34: masked

Nila woke up, squinting her eyes because of the phone lighting up next to her face. After breakfast, her parents had gone to a temple feast for lunch so she had quit her act and lazed around in her bed. She didn't realise she had fallen asleep. Nila ran a palm over her eyes and picked up her phone.

Any sleep that had been sticking to her suddenly vanished when she looked at the caller ID.

It was Kayal.

Nila sat up and stared at her phone. She had promised herself she'd come clean to Kayal the next time she called and her phone was vibrating in her hand with her picture on the screen. She took a deep breath and swiped the call green.

"What took you so long to pick the call? Were you asleep? Did I wake you?" Kayal fired as soon as she held the phone to her ear.

"Yeah. But it's fine. I'm up now. What's up?"

"I'm not beating around the bush. Appa and amma called. They're worried about you. What's happening with you? Something's up right? Your blog on Instagram is dying. There are no posts, not even stories. You literally have your garden in the house so you should be making lots of content but you aren't. What's wrong, Nila?"

"Where are you right now?" Nila asked.

"Home. I just put Ajay to sleep. Ajju has gone to work. Why?"

Nila chewed her lip. Was she really going to do this? But it was the perfect timing. Her parents were not home and Arjun was also not with Kayal. Maybe this was a sign.

"I have to talk to you about something."

"Nila, you're scaring me. Are you okay? You're not sick, are you?"

"I'm fine. I just—I have been hiding something from you, Kay. I shouldn't have. But I was scared. I didn't know how to tell you. This is a really sensitive---"

"Cut the disclaimers, Nila. Just tell it to me. You know I can't handle tough shit," Kayal said. Yes, but could she handle this?

Nila went silent. What if Nila disrupted her sister's life by saying this to her? She had gone through so much and gotten to a place where she is finally happy. Did she need to hear this? Aren't some things better off not knowing?

"Nila? Stop overthinking it. Just tell me."

"Kayal, you remember Vijay?"

"Yes, of course. Your boyfriend whom you haven't introduced to me till now. Every day I tell Arjun how rude it is of you. You don't even send a picture of him to me. I don't understand why you keep him hidden like he's your dirty secret," she rambled.

If only Nila had sent his picture to her in the beginning, maybe things would have been different. Maybe she wouldn't have gotten too deep with Vijay.

"Do-Do you want to see him now?" Nila asked.

"You're finally sending his picture?"

"Yeah. I'll send it to you now. Stay on the call."

Nila picked the picture of Vijay grinning at the camera as he held her close to his chest, his arms wrapped around her like a vice. They'd clicked it on the day of his sports day. She sent it to her sister.

"Did you see it?"

There was a deafening silence on the other end.

"Kay?"

"Yeah, I'm just... This is--- Did you know he was...?"

"No. Not until recently," Nila whispered. "I went to his house and saw um, Nishanth's picture there. I didn't know. I didn't know what to do. And Kayal, I don't know if you know it already but Nishanth..."

"Nila, I know."

Tears choked her throat. "You-You know?"

"I was in love with him, Nila. Everyone knew that. His friends called me when the accident happened."

Nila couldn't hold it back anymore. She clasped her mouth with her palm as she sobbed into it but the scratchy pained sounds filled the room. "How-How did you deal with it alone? You must—You must have been so devasted. I can't even begin to imagine, Kay. Why didn't you tell me? I could've—"

"Nila, trust me, it was something I had to go through alone. You couldn't have done anything. I would have just been more upset if you'd known. I know you saw him like a brother. I thought it was best you didn't have to go through something like a permanent loss. It's ten times more horrifying than a temporary loss, like a breakup. I thought that killed half of me but feeling his death was a hell I wouldn't wish on anyone. But don't worry, I wasn't entirely alone. Arjun helped me through it."

"Arjun? How—that time you two hated each other."

"He saw me shattering into pieces when I took the call in front of him. He held me when I broke down. He was there with me every step of the grieving process. He was so patient. You always asked me how I miraculously became so in love with him, right? It was this moment that changed everything."

"Arjun wasn't mad?"

"No. I had assumed he would be. But he was understanding. I'm lucky that way because I don't think many men would be."

"Do you-do you miss him?"

"Sometimes. I think about him. I think a part of me will always love him. He was my first love, after all. That shit sticks to you till the end of life," Kayal said. Nila couldn't help but think of Vijay, her first love. Did he ruin her after all? Was there no going back for her?

Nila picked at the thread in her bed sheet. "You're so strong, Kay. I don't think I can ever be you," she whispered.

"Nila, my beautiful, adorable sister. Are you dumb? You're the strong one in our family. When I was growing up, I wasn't constantly compared to anyone or forced to walk in someone's shadow instead of my own light. But you were. Every second of your life our parents reminded you to walk the exact path I did as if it was the only one that led to success. I felt so guilty every time our parents did that. I even spoke to them once but they dismissed me saying that I didn't know anything because I didn't have a child then. What you went through is one type of emotional hell, Nila. The saddest part is that you don't even realise it because they've gotten you used to it. They've made it your normal. And you also didn't put up much of a fight. You kept it all to yourself and didn't say a word. You never express yourself freely. It's like they conditioned you to lock in your real emotions," Kayal said.

Nila's eyes welled up again. Tears spilled on her bed sheet, staining the floral design.

"Even now, you kept the news of Nishanth's death to yourself because you were scared it'd hurt me. You always want to do the right thing but that's never going to happen. Take it from me, Nila. The 'right' and 'wrong' in your head was decided by our parents. Do you want to agree with them blindly? Don't you want to decide for yourself? Your instincts would have told you a million times in your life to do something that's right for you but you would have ignored it because that's not 'right' in the dictionary authored by our parents. Don't continue following that outdated dictionary. Make your own. Decide for yourself what you want or what you don't want."

"But Kay---"

"Yes, I make it sound easy. I know it's not. But you've already taken tiny little steps. You've allowed yourself to fall in love, Nila. That was something I never imagined you doing. I was so surprised when you told me. And it made me feel so happy. Don't walk backwards now, okay?" Kayal said. "Look, you've endured this shit for so long and you're so strong for it. I would've crumbled under the pressure a long time back. But you are amazing. Never think you're weak, okay? Never ever. I'll be so mad if you do. My baby sister is one of the strongest people I know. I'll swear it on anyone so you've got to believe me."

A tiny laugh slipped loose between her tears. "Okay, I'll try."

"Now stop ignoring Vijay and make sure you call him. I know for a fact that the men in that family are born to be lovers. They're a good family. I've met them, you know. They are very sweet. It's too bad I can't stand to face them now."

"You know it's not your fault, right?"

"Yes. I know. But still, I can't bear to look in their eyes. I feel guilty for in some way playing a role in it all. The life I couldn't have, maybe it's meant for you, Nila."

"That's so twisted."

"Life can be like that."

Then Nila frowned. "Wait a minute. I never told you I was ignoring Vijay. How'd you know?"

"Huh? Oh that, I just figured you would. Haha, I know you so well. So, you were really ignoring Vijay?" Kayal said.

If there was something Kayal was terrible at, it was lying. She was good at omitting information and keeping secrets but never lying on confrontation. She fumbled embarrassingly.

"Don't even try, Kay. Tell me how you know."

Kayal sounded annoyed. "You're too clever sometimes."

"You just lack talent sometimes. Spill now."

She sighed. "Your Vijay called me a few days back."

"What the fuck?"

"Good thing you had saved my number in his phone so that he'd know if I called during the time you went for your friend's wedding. He called me one day and introduced himself. I was so surprised. Then he explained that both of you had a small fight and you were ignoring him. He wouldn't tell me what exactly happened though. But he was sick with worry because you weren't even seeing his messages. He called me to check on you. It was so sweet of him, really. I could tell how much he loves you, you know."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you didn't bother to tell me what was happening with you no matter how many times I asked. So, I didn't as well."

"That's so petty, Kayal!"

"I don't care. You better call that sweet boy and patch things up with him. You'd be a fool if you let him go."

Nila sighed and fell back on the bed. "Our parents will never approve. It's a losing battle."

"It will be if you think so. He's fighting for you with everything he has. Why aren't you doing the same? Does he love you more then you do him? Is that it?"

"No way. I love him more than he does me!"

Kayal chuckled. "I've never heard you so defensive. Well, then, act like you love him. Fight, Nila, because that boy is worth it. And let me tell you, don't ever think you're mighty and great if you let him go. Don't be dumb like I had been. I still regret not fighting harder for Nishanth. I chose the path that's all too familiar and easier for us – the one where we sacrifice our happiness. We've been so used to it so we think it's the better choice. But no. Fighting for what you want is harder and if anyone can do it, it's you, Nila. And besides, you have me. You have Arjun. You are finishing a degree that'll fetch you money like crazy if you work a little hard. You'll soon become an independent woman. You will not be tied to anyone. And if after all this, you think convincing our parents is impossible, just elope."

"Kayal!"

"What? Come to Bangalore. I'll plan your wedding."

Nila's cheeks reddened. "Stop talking about wedding already. We are not ready yet!"

"What a liar you are. Have you never imagined living together with Vijay? It's the same but with legal agreement."

"Why do you want me to get married so badly?"

"Because I want to see you happy, Nila. I want you to get what you want and I want you to help you get it. I don't know why but I feel like Vijay is the beginning of that new life so I want to do that for you. I don't want you to remember me as some success meter you get compared to."

"I've never seen you that way, Kay. I noticed how your face turned whenever our parents compared us. I know it pissed you off too. I've never seen it as your fault."

"But still. I want you to be happy. I want you to be so happy that you cry happy tears."

"Shut up. Don't talk as if I'm chronically depressed. I feel happiness too."

"I'm not saying you are chronically depressed. You are chronically masked. I want to see real happiness on your face."

Nila looked down at her nails on her lap. "Don't get so emotional now."

"Emotional? Me? I'm not the one who's been sulking for more than two weeks."

Somehow, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her chest. She felt a lot lighter, freer and at ease. If Nila had known this was how the conversation she had been dreading would actually go, she would've had it a long time ago. Nila was still a scared about ending up hurting Vijay in the end but what Kayal told her also made sense. Maybe she was only opting for the familiar path rather than the right one. Maybe what was right for her was Vijay.

She had a lot of thinking to do on her own. Kayal had always been a great motivational speaker. Her words tapped the right neurons in the brain. That's why she couldn't decide in this heady moment and then change her mind later. Besides Kayal had switched a lamp on the domestic fantasies she had had of Vijay and her, casting light on the dust-collecting images in her head. The chance of them becoming possible was fucking with her mind, getting her all dizzy with anticipation and hope. The word marriage was still far ahead in their plans but Nila realised it wouldn't be so bad to start thinking of it if she was going to step completely in with Vijay.

"Nila? Nila!"

"Oh, sorry. What were you saying?"

"You remember the plan I told you before? Just don't let Amma and Appa catch you red-handed. You're good at masking so at least it'll come handy in one way. Never let them know or doubt. You just focus on working on your relationship with Vijay. Fall for him recklessly---"

"That's already done."

Kayal chuckled. "Then fall harder. Be happy. And keep me in the loop. You can tell me anything. Don't think you have to keep something to yourself just because it might hurt me. I'm stronger than you think."

"Okay. Thanks, Kay."

"Now, call your man."

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