Chapter 5

21. (credit to Smallest, akailana, and Multi_fandom_dump)

"Ten paces, fire!"

"This again?" Dream muttered, spinning around. Tommy grinned back at him, and Dream had a second to realize that he was aiming a glitter-rigged, firework-loaded crossbow rather than a regular bow and arrow. It took him another second to realize that Tommy had pulled the trigger, but by then it was too late.

"What the f--"

~~~

"Ten paces, fire!"

Tommy turned around and was nearly knocked off his feet by a Knockback-I-enchanted pebble. "OW!" he howled, staggering and clutching his sternum. A new bruise was already forming under his fingers. "What--"

"Revenge is sweet," Dream sang. Tommy flipped him off.

~~~

"Ten paces, fire!"

Tommy and Dream turned around and engaged in an intense staring match.

"Uh," Tubbo called uncertainly. "Tommy?"

"Hurry up and shoot him!" George shouted.

Lightning-quick, Tommy clapped his hands in front of his face. Dream blinked.

Tommy jabbed a finger at him. "AHA!" he crowed.

Dream scowled. "That's cheating--"

"Nobody said we couldn't move," Tommy chirped. He grinned widely. "So. Independence?"

"Fine."

~~~

"Ten paces, fire!"

"This is bullshit," Tommy griped as they returned to the duel for the seventh time in a row. "Bull. Shit. Stupid fuckin' timeloops must be glitching or something."

Dream tossed his bow over his shoulder, pulling out a deck of cards. "Uno?"

"You're on."

~~~

"Ten paces, fire!"

Tommy pulled out a deck of cards he had swiped from Wilbur. "Old Maid," he snapped. "We've played Go Fish three times already, I'm not doing it again."

"You're just sore you lost."

"I will fucking murder you, you bastard--"

~~~

"Ten paces, fire!"

Without hesitation, Dream turned around and lobbed an egg at Tommy. It splattered across Tommy's clothes.

The teenager opened his mouth to say something, only to get bombarded with more eggs. Chickens sprung up on the path, clucking in confusion. Tommy brought up a shield in a desperate attempt to protect himself, but it was already too late.

Dream cackled as he hurled another egg.

~~~

"Ten paces, fire!"

"EAT ICE, BITCH!" Tommy shrieked. Dream hadn't even fully turned around before he was smacked in the shoulder with something. . . cold.

"Did you just throw a snowball at me?" he asked in disbelief. "I-- how?"

Tommy smirked, hefting another snowball. "Snow doesn't melt in your inventory."

"Ah," Dream said mildly. "Well then, I should let you know that I brought more eggs this time."

"Bring it, bitch."

~~~

"Ten paces, fire!"

Tommy looked Dream in the eye, then held out his fist.

Dream sighed. "Fine. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot."

Tommy cursed when Dream beat his rock with paper. "Best out of three," he demanded.

Dream obliged. "Rock, paper, scissors, shoot."

"Ha!" Tommy cried. Dream scowled.

"Rock, paper scissors, shoot!"

"Best out of five," Tommy wheedled.

"Just accept that you lost," Dream grumbled.

"Never."

"Um," Fundy cut in, looking very, very confused. "Excuse me, but what the fuck is going on?"

~~~

"Ten paces, fire!"

Dream turned around, tucked his bow into his inventory, and began signing aggressively at Tommy.

Tommy signed right back with double the vitriol, punctuating his sentence with a sharp jab of his pointed middle finger. Dream gasped like an offended grandmother.

"Tommy," Wilbur said slowly. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Shut up, Wilby," Tommy said without looking away from Dream's rapidly-moving hands. Wilbur instantly went silent, gaping like a fish at the nickname. "We're having a diss battle in sign language."

"Isn't-- isn't this supposed to be a duel?" Tubbo asked. "Like. . . like with bows and everything?"

Dream finished up his turn. "Would you rather us be shooting each other?" he asked dryly.

"W-well, no, but--"

Dream nodded. "Exactly. We're dueling, just untraditiona-- where did you learn vocabulary like that?"

Tommy grinned impishly. "Phil taught me a few loops back."

"Philza. Of course."

~~~

"Ten paces, fire!"

Dream produced a pen and a notebook. "A Tic-Tac-Toe battle for L'Manberg's independence."

"I accept your challenge," Tommy intoned gravely, producing his own pen. "Prepare to be defeated."

They then proceeded to tie ten rounds of Tic-Tac-Toe, all while ignoring the confusion going on around them.

~~~

"Ten paces, fire!"

Dream produced a pen and a notebook. "Tic-Tac-Toe, but nine by nine."

"We're still gonna tie, Dream."

"Worth a shot."

~~~

"Ten paces, fire!"

"Tic-Tac-Toe, but fifteen by fifteen."

"Dream--"

"Come on, Tommy. We can't tie forever."

"Bet."

~~~

"Ten paces, fire!"

"T--"

"If you say 'Tic-Tac-Toe but twenty by twenty, I will end you. We have tied on every single game in the past three loops--"

"I was actually going to say twenty-one by twenty-one, but okay."

Tommy felt fully justified in trying to stab Dream with his pen.

~~~

"Ten paces, fire!"

One end of the bridge burst into flames. The people watching from the sidelines shouted in alarm, scrambling back.

"ARSON, BITCH!" Tommy cackled, ripping pages out of a book and tossing them into the fire.

"TOMMY, WHAT THE FUCK!" Wilbur shrieked.

"YOU SAID FIRE!"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!"

"My Tic-Tac-Toe book," Dream mourned as Tommy ripped another handful of pages from it.

~~~

"Ten paces, fire!"

Dream turned around. "∴⍑|| ↸╎↸ ||𝙹⚍ ʖ⚍∷リ ᒲ|| ʖ𝙹𝙹ꖌ?"

Tommy scowled. "✋︎🕯︎❍︎ ■︎□︎⧫︎ ◻︎●︎♋︎⍓︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ♋︎■︎□︎⧫︎♒︎♏︎❒︎ ❒︎□︎◆︎■︎♎︎ □︎♐︎ ♐︎◆︎♍︎🙵♓︎■︎♑︎ ⧫︎♓︎♍︎📫︎⧫︎♋︎♍︎📫︎⧫︎□︎♏︎ ⬥︎♓︎⧫︎♒︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎📪︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ♌︎♋︎⬧︎⧫︎♋︎❒︎♎︎."

Dream blinked. "╎ᓭ ℸ ̣ ⍑ᔑℸ ̣. . ." he started slowly. "╎ᓭ ℸ ̣ ⍑ᔑℸ ̣ ∴╎リ⊣↸╎リ⊣ᓭ?"

"✡︎◆︎◻︎." Tommy grinned. "🕈︎♋︎♓︎⧫︎, ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ♍︎♋︎■︎ ◆︎■︎♎︎♏︎❒︎⬧︎⧫︎♋︎■︎♎︎ ❍︎♏︎?"

"⍑𝙹∴ ᓵᔑリ ||𝙹⚍ ⚍リ↸ᒷ∷ᓭℸ ̣ ᔑリ↸ ᒲᒷ?" Dream shot back. "╎ ℸ ̣ ⍑𝙹⚍⊣⍑ℸ ̣ ℸ ̣ ⍑ᒷ ᒷリ↸ ꖎᔑリ⊣⚍ᔑ⊣ᒷ ∴ᔑᓭ ᒷ ̇/ᓵꖎ⚍ᓭ╎⍊ᒷꖎ|| ⎓𝙹∷ ᒷリ↸ᒷ∷ ⍑||ʖ∷╎↸ᓭ."

"☜︎■︎♍︎♒︎♋︎■︎⧫︎❍︎♏︎■︎⧫︎ ♋︎◆︎♎︎♓︎□︎♌︎□︎□︎🙵⬧︎."

"ℸ ̣ ⍑𝙹ᓭᒷ ᒷ ̇/╎ᓭℸ ̣?"

Tommy stared. "✡︎♏︎⬧︎, ⧫︎♒︎♏︎⍓︎ ♎︎□︎. ☟︎♋︎❖︎♏︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ♌︎♏︎♏︎■︎ ●︎♓︎❖︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ◆︎■︎♎︎♏︎❒︎ ♋︎ ❒︎□︎♍︎🙵?"

"╎-- リ𝙹, リ𝙹 ╎ ⍑ᔑ⍊ᒷ リ𝙹ℸ ̣ -- ᓭᒷ∷╎𝙹⚍ᓭꖎ||, ∴⍑ᔑℸ ̣ ᔑ⚍↸╎𝙹ʖ𝙹𝙹ꖌ?"

"Can anyone understand what they're saying?" Tubbo asked. "Because I can't."

"I didn't think it was physically possible for a human to make sounds like that," Punz muttered, looking mildly disturbed.

Tommy grinned. On the other side of the bridge, Dream shifted.

". . . ∴⍑𝙹 ᓭᔑ╎↸ ╎ ∴ᔑᓭ ⍑⚍ᒲᔑリ?"

Tommy's head snapped towards him. "Wait, what?!"

22. the nyan chronicles, pt. 2

Ranboo awoke to a crash and a harsh, discordant screech. Leaping out of bed, he summoned his axe and rushed outside, expecting the worst.

Instead, he found his platonic husband standing over the broken remains of their jukeboxes, dressed in pajamas and a sledgehammer in his hands. "Tubbo?" he called cautiously.

Tubbo slowly turned to him. "Someone is going to die today," he promised darkly.

Ranboo took a step back. "Uh. . . why?"

"Can you hear it, Ranboo?"

"No?" Ranboo answered, half confused and all concerned. Was. . . was Tubbo hearing voices?

Tubbo leaned in, his blue eyes glinting eerily in the moonlight. "Listen."

Ranboo hesitated, then tried to focus on his hearing. All he heard was the wind around them. "I don't--"

"Listen."

Ranboo narrowed his eyes, straining his ears. Underneath the wind, there was another sound, almost like. . .

"Nyan cat?" he asked incredulously.

"Do you know what's happening, Ranboo?" Tubbo asked "Did you read your communicator?"

"No. . .?" Ranboo realized he was still holding his axe, and hastily dropped it back into his inventory before he pulled out his communicator.

: whoever decided it was a good idea to play nyan cat at two in the morning, your days are numbered

: wait i thought it was karl?

: you think I would do that? i'm hurt : all of them are playing at the exact same fucking time

: its so LOUD

: so I'm not the only one that woke up to nyan cat blasting from my jukeboxes?

: you too? mine won't stop playing

: the disc isnt coming out

: wait

: oh no

: i don't think there IS a disc

: DID YOU JUST BREAK OUR JUKEBOXES

: yup no discs, just an empty jukebox

: you are a menace

: pot meet kettle

: oop gtg karl's on a warpath

: wait wait wait so its the jukeboxes playing the song?? not the discs?

: nope

: think this is the same guy who overwrote all the discs on the server?

: probably

: who else would it be?

: give me a name

: so I can know who to kill

: i think every jukebox is playing nyan cat

: at the exact same time

: I can hear it from here

: when you say EVERY jukebox, do you mean like every jukebox that exists or

: brb gonna go find a sledgehammer

: a sledgehammer? Why

: ah nvm

: they keep playing even in my inventory help

: who would do this?

: fundy?

: listen i like pranks

: but i'm not insane enough to rig every jukebox on the server to play nyan cat

: AT 2 AM IN THE MORNING

: who else would it be?

: not to point fingers but tommy's been suspiciously quiet

: Tommy. Got it.

: wait techno no

: TECHNO

"Ah," Ranboo said. He eyed the shattered remains of their jukebox, then looked up at Tubbo. "That's. Something."

"Oh, it's something alright," Tubbo hissed, eyes wild with sleep-deprivation-induced rage. "I'm gonna-- I'm gonna find every jukebox on the server, and then I'm gonna bash it to pieces."

"Right, right." Ranboo nodded nervously. "And I'll help, but let's get some sleep first--"

"No."

Well, it was worth a try. "At least change out of your pajamas?"

Tubbo loosened the death grip he had on his sledgehammer. "Fine," he decided, then marched back into the mansion.

Ranboo sent one last mournful glance at the remains of their jukeboxes before following.

23. lava, pt. 2

Dream hummed, turning in a slow circle as he took in Technoblade's house. "Well, I know Tommy's here," he said casually.

Technoblade froze. "Um. No, uh, no he's not."

Dream stared at him for a long moment before he sighed, turning away. "Well, it doesn't matter. I just came here to say one thing."

Technoblade narrowed his eyes, hand drifting towards the sword in his inventory. "And that is. . .?"

Dream smirked, then hopped onto Technoblade's ladder and hung there with one hand. "The floor is lava. Five. . ."

Tommy, hidden with an invisibility potion, silently spewed every single curse word he could think of as he clambered onto a crate while trying to stay as silent as possible. The crate shook dangerously but held under his weight, and Tommy sent up a mental thanks to Prime that it didn't creak. Technoblade stared at Dream with a befuddled expression. "What are you doing?"

"Two, one," Dream finished, then shot Technoblade a grin. "Just a little inside joke. Don't worry about it."

Technoblade blinked slowly. "'The floor is lava'?"

"Yup." Dream dropped back onto the ground, then brushed imaginary dust off his shoulder. "Well, I'm off."

Tommy waited until the door swung shut, then slid off the crate. "That bastard," he seethed.

Technoblade slowly turned to him. "You gonna explain?"

Tommy ignored him, instead heading over to one of Technoblade's chests. He pulled the lid up. Ah, golden apples. Perfect.

"Hey, what are you-- no, put that-- Tommy, that's my gapple, you can't just--"

24. the adventures of dreaxter, pt. 1 (credit to curry_powder and Silver_Melody)

"Dreaxter?" Tommy demanded. "What kind of fucking name is Dreaxter?"

"Dream and Specter," Dream huffed, crossing his arms. "You went with Toast, you have no room to judge."

"But Dreaxter? " Tommy wrinkled his nose. "Why didn't you go with like-- 'Ghream' or something?"

Dream shuddered. "Look, I know we're going for cursed names, but I have standards."

Tommy considered that. "Okay, yeah, if someone was calling me Ghommy every day I'd probably flip and go polterjest on them."

"Poltergeist."

"That's what I said."

"No, you pronounce it 'polter-giest."

"It's 'polter-jest.'"

"'Iest', like heist but with a g."

"Nuh-uh. I'm right, you're wrong, end of discussion."

Dream buried his face in his hands. "Tommy--"

"Dream?"

Both loopers turned to see Sapnap, who was standing on the path and staring at them. "Sapnap!" Dream exclaimed. "Tell Tommy that it's pronounced polter-giest, not polter-jest!"

Sapnap took a step back. "Dream," he said weakly. "Dream, you're-- you're a ghost."

"Yup! My name's Dreaxter!"

"How. . ." Sapnap choked out. Dream blinked.

"Are you okay?"

Sapnap shook his head. "I-- no, Dream, how did you die?"

Dream's smile dimmed. "Don't remember much," he said distantly. "I was cold, and tired. Really tired."

Sapnap stared at him and said nothing. Dream shook himself, smile reappearing. "But anyway, tell Tommy that he's pronouncing it wrong."

"I am not pronouncing it wrong," Tommy protested. "You're the one pronouncing it wrong. You're projecting your flaws onto me."

Dream's face twisted. "That's not-- that's not how projection works."

They both looked over at a strangled sound. Sapnap had his face pressed in his hands. His breathing was uneven, as though he was struggling to keep himself calm. Dream drifted closer.

"Sapnap? Are you okay?"

Sapnap let out a humorless laugh. "Am I-- no, Dream--Dreaxter, I'm not, what the fuck--"

"Are you sad?" the ghost asked. He produced a fistful of. . . something from his hoodie pocket. "Here, have some glitter."

Sapnap shook his head. "I don't-- wait, glitter?"

In answer, Dream threw whatever he was holding in Sapnap's face. Sapnap flinched back and shut his eyes, arms coming up to protect his head from whatever projectile Dream had just tossed at him. When several long seconds had passed and nothing hit him, he cautiously opened one eye.

Dream beamed at him, hair dusted with glitter. "Glitter," he affirmed. "Glitter makes me happy."

Tommy began coughing loudly, almost like he was trying not to laugh. Sapnap paid him no mind, instead lowering his arms and glancing down at himself. Sure enough, he was covered in glitter. Shiny, silver-green glitter. He looked back up at Dreaxter.

The ghost shuffled awkwardly, a motion that didn't quite translate without legs. "Do you feel better?" he asked.

The look on Sapnap's face shifted from 'angsty inner turmoil' to 'what the fuck'. "Is-- is your glitter like Ghostbur's blue or something?" he asked, sounding slightly hysterical.

"Yes," Dreaxter lied. Not that Sapnap needed to know it was a lie. He wasn't about to give up an opportunity to toss glitter in peoples' faces. "Do you want more?"

"Uh." Sapnap ran a hand through his hair, then grimaced when it came away coated with glitter. "I'm good, thanks."

"You don't look good."

"I'm fine," Sapnap insisted.

Dreaxter reluctantly put away the handful of glitter he had pulled out. ". . . Okay, if you say so."

Tommy's coughing devolved into full-on cackling.

25. adoption arc, pt. 2 (credit to Trytokillmeorsomething123)

"You know," Tubbo hummed. "Dream doesn't seem like a bad guy."

Tommy dropped the block he was holding and rounded on him. "What?"

Tubbo blinked. "Uh. . . Dream doesn't--"

"No, I heard you the first time," Tommy snapped. "What the-- what the hell, Tubbo."

Tubbo shrugged. "When I first got to the server, he showed me around, introduced me to Sapnap and George, stuff like that. He seems pretty friendly!"

Tommy rubbed his temples. "Tubbo-- Tubbo, big man, Dream is a bastard."

Tubbo's eyes darkened. "Was he mean to you?"

Tommy hastily backpedaled. "No, no, he wasn't-- or he was, but not really-- argh. It's kinda complicated?"

Tubbo's eyebrows rose.

"Look," Tommy huffed. "You can't trust him, Tubbo. He's gonna-- he's gonna try to adopt you."

Tubbo frowned and heaved another block onto the wall he was building. "Um. Okay? Bit early for that, I'd like to get to know him first."

"Do you see nothing wrong with this?"

Tubbo blinked slowly. "You make it sound like he's trying to kill me or something," he pointed out. "What's so bad about adoption?"

"It's-- it's Dream," Tommy protested, at a loss for words. The other boy sighed.

"That doesn't explain anything, Tommy."

Tommy made a frustrated noise and slammed his next block down with more force than strictly necessary.

Loop Notes

21. The loops were stuck on the bridge duel for a while. Tommy still wants answers from Dream.

22. Never underestimate the magnitude of XD's simping for George. Seriously. All Tommy had to do was tell him that George liked the Nyan Cat song.

24. He would have called himself Ghream or Drost, but it was too cursed for even him.