12

"I LEFT a towel on the sink for you," Bethany walks back into the closet with a towel wrapped around her body.

"Thanks," I didn't find something to wear. All of these clothes are making my head spin.

"Over there," she points and leads me over, "blouses and jeans," she begins to nibble on her bottom lip, "these here might fit you nicely," I'm more interested in her lack of clothing than the search for them, "Xiomara?"

"Yeah?" My eyes flutter to hers, and she's smiling.

"Is your life ever going to be less complicated?" She asks. I have to give her brownie points. Even though she's the younger one, she's more open about her feelings than I am. I expect myself to be more mature and forthcoming than her.

"Yes, I think it will be. I'm just, I—" want you so badly that I don't want you at the same time, "I'm confused with my feelings."

"Me too," she assures and reaches for my hand with hers, "just don't push me away. We can be friends until you're ready."

That makes me so happy—knowing that I can have her in my life, regardless of a relationship, sounds amazing.

"Friends, huh?" I sigh. This means that I can't kiss or touch her. It'll be so fucking hard!

"Blue likes you, and I think you're good for him," usually, a responsibility like that would get anyone running. Who wants to be a priority in a kids life? Oh right, me. I love kids. And I love Blue already.

Does this mean that I love Bethany? Platonically, maybe. I'm sure that I'm not in love with her yet. And hopefully, I won't be anytime soon or ever, for that matter...

"I wouldn't run away from him anyway," I'm referring to her too, hoping that she realizes that I want her in my life.

"Good," she grabs a blouse from the railing, and hands it to me, "I'm sure this one will fit you perfectly," I nod, as she steps away, and heads over to another railing.

Taking a moment to settle my thoughts, I walk out of the closet, and towards the bathroom. A warm shower will do me some good.

"MOMMY," BLUE whines, as we walk into the elevator, "I want Xo to lift me," he finally dropped the repetition for once.

"Fine," she gives him to me, and I grin at him, "you two enjoy yourselves," she waves, as she steps out of the elevator when it begins to close.

Blue's eyes widen and he squeals, "Mommy, no!" Tears are falling from his eyes, and he stretches his hand for her. Bethany places her hand in between the colliding doors, and pouts at him.

"Come here, buddy," he envelopes her in his arms, and buries his head into the crook of her neck.

"Well, well," I arch my brow, as the doors close, and the elevator begins to move. Crossing my arms over my chest, I miss having him in my arms.

"Mommy, no pancocks for you," I lean against the wall, and stare at the two of them.

"And why?" Bethany asks. He wipes his eyes with his little fists and sniffles.

"I'm cryding, you meany," I place my hand over my chest. Aw, his duck lips are the most adorable thing ever.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she rubs his back soothingly, "I'll buy you ice-cream, okay?" His eyes light up immediately.

"Extra springles?" She considers it for a moment, "pwease, Mommy?"

"Okay, do I get ice-cream too?" The intensity of his duck lips increases, as he rubs his chin with his index finger in consideration.

"No chalklate syrup for you," he says. Bethany narrows her eyes, making her eyebrows furrow. They're such a fucking adorable pair.

"Fine," why did she set herself up for punishment? I'm feeling so giddy from just listening to them talk.

The elevator door opens, and we walk out, my eyes not leaving them for a second. Is that what I was like when my kids were toddlers? Was I so damn cute with them?

"Xiomara, look where you're going," as soon as Bethany says that, I stumble into the door.

My head smacks against the glass of the door, "ouch," I mumble, as I rub my forehead. Blue giggles and points at me, "that's not funny!" I complain, as he reaches for my shoulder.

"Don't wowie, I wuv you," how's he so smart for a two year old? I remember that my kids could barely say their names properly when they were his age.

"I love you too, sweetheart," I say. Bethany bites down on her bottom lip, and opens the door, making me smile bashfully. When we exit the building, the wind whips her hair back, and she places sunglasses over her eyes.

"Ma!" I hear Jane's voice. and almost panic. My eyes wander over the street, and lands on her leaning against the hood of my car, with the biggest grin on her face, might I add.

Fuck. How did she find me? She holds onto her stomach, as we cross the isolated street.

"What are you doing here?" I ask. She's already gushing over Blue, and taking him into her arms. As he shyly smiles at her, she places a kiss on his cheek.

"Ain't you a bundle of cuteness," Jane mumbles. The blush on his cheeks darkens, and he squirms in her arms.

"Jane?" I really want her to answer my question. Is she using that tracker that she installed on my phone again? I swear I'm going to delete that app.

"You know I can find you whenever I want, Ma," I huff, as Bethany runs her fingers through her lovely hair, catching my attention, "and Mary got worried, since you didn't go home last night."

"She fell asleep on the couch," Bethany explains immediately, as though trying to ensure that nothing sexual happened. How can anything happen with Blue around anyway?

"I see. Does your bed have bed bugs now?" Jane swings Blue side to side playfully.

"No, we were watching cartoons, and I just fell asleep."

"And Mary camped out in her old room waiting for you to get home," Jane explains. I begin to feel guilty, before I remember why I stormed out of my own house.

"Join us for breakfast. There's an IHOP just a block away," Bethany says. I grit my teeth, as my thoughts rattle once again.

I take Blue from Jane, noticing that her breathing is heavy, and place him to sit around my neck. He rests his hands on top of my head, and taps it like a drum.

"Bethany, you really do have a beautiful voice. Any more gigs?" Jane stirs up conversation, while I focus on this bundle of joy.

"Here and there," Bethany responds.

Even though I enjoy my freedom, now that I live alone, I miss the company of my kids terribly. And somehow, Blue's filling that void inside of my heart completely.

"Ethan's coming for the weekend, but he wants to stay at my place," the immediate rush of dread spreads through my body. And the gigantic smile on my face disintegrates.

"Okay," I don't know what to say. He's been so distant lately, and I can't stand it. All of my kids are drifting away from me more and more by the day, and the situation with Petah is making it even worse.

"They'll let go of the idea soon. I think they know that it's impossible for anything to happen between you and Ma again," my eyes travel over to Bethany, and she's biting her lip nervously. Fuck, she doesn't need to witness this conversation.

"I hope so. The last thing I need is four kids whining over a fantasy that'll never come true."

"Hey, three not four. I'm on your side, Ma," sure you are. I spot the IHOP sign and sigh, as I slow down my walking pace.

"Just don't get your hopes up, sweetheart. I know you never wanted us to divorce."

I'm taking quick glances at Bethany, and she seems unbothered by the conversation now. We head inside, and grab a booth. I place Blue on my lap, and he flips through a menu quietly.

"I was sixteen. And I didn't understand," yeah, if I remember correctly, you told me to turn a blind eye.

"So, pancakes?" Bethany's looking at me, and I'm looking back at her. I can tell that she senses my discomfort, and I wish that I could be sitting beside her, resonating in her presence better.

"Yeah, pancakes," I mumble.

My voice is low, and Jane senses that she should change the topic, "and bacon and eggs. Oh... crepes and french toast. What about some omelettes," she reminds me of myself when I was pregnant with Mary.

Look out for a hot mouth popping out, Jane.