chapter 20: implode

August's body, once wrapped up in the woman's, was now left cold and empty when Willow suddenly sprang off her, her face aghast as if she had seen a ghost.

August quickly sat up, eyebrows threading in confusion as her chest still heavily rose and fell from the passion she was in a daze from. "What? What's wrong?" Her voice cracked, and she cleared her throat as she watched Willow cover her face with her hands, not hearing the girl through the thoughts running rampant in her mind.

"Willow, wha—"

"I can't do it," she interrupted her, her back still halfway turned to her. Taking a deep breath, she slowly turned to face the girl. August could've sworn that for a split second, she saw pools welling the woman's light green eyes. "I can't."

"Willow, what are you—" August began, worried by the mixture of melancholy and anger in the woman's face, but she was cut off yet again.

"I can't be involved with you in this way, August." Her voice was nearly trembling, and to see the woman in such a perturbed state scared the girl who stood from the bed as Willow continued, "I am dangerous, August. Dangerous. You will get killed." Willow kept her voice low, trying to indicate to the girl just how serious she was.

August stared at the woman whose words were partly true. She was dangerous, the most dangerous person she had ever met, in fact. But she couldn't truthfully say that August would certainly, for sure, without a doubt, get killed just because of their involvement. She was still trying to wrap her head around the very definition of their so-called "involvement."

"Willow, no. Everything will be ok—"

"No!" The woman's shout made August jump slightly. Willow could feel her anger boiling within her. She wished the girl would just comply and agree to not get involved with her, but no, she was defying her words again. No one ever refuted the words of Willow. "Everything will not be okay!"

"Will—"

"I am a fucking monster and you are a young girl with your whole life ahead of you that I have put in danger. Nothing is okay because I have to deal with the guilt! And I cannot lay on top of you like that and feel your skin and think the thoughts I was thinking in my head while also being that person." She took a deep breath, her skull pounding from the potency in her own voice. She lowered her face, black strands of hair falling over it as her head hung low with the heaviness of her brain. She was so torn between guilt, anger, confusion, and a somewhat adoration for the girl standing in front of her.

August heard the words coming out of her mouth, but she stared at her with concerned eyes nonetheless. "Willow, I was the one who got myself in this mess. I am the reason I am here right now. You are the one protecting me." Her innate role as a comforter began to shine through as she stepped forward and reached out to lay a gentle hand on the woman's leather-covered shoulder.

But the woman moved as fast as a cheetah, her hand grabbing the girl's raised wrist with a slapping noise as her disturbed eyes burned into August's which were widened with fright at how the woman moved so fast.

"Do not call me a protector. I am the shadow in your future, and I am also the possibility that you may not even have one. I and everything I stand for is just going to get you killed. Do you not understand that after this dispute with the gangs in Ithaca are over, you and I will have no more affiliation? I'm a fucking gang leader. I murder people, August. You fucking watched me stab somebody and you're here, saying it's okay and that you don't care? Are you really that naive and stupid?"

Willow spoke through her teeth as she puffed her chest out, making sure her face was intimidatingly close to August's. "Are you that lonely of a person that you're nearly spreading your legs for the first person you see, even if it's a deranged murderer who abducted you and could kill you? Or is slutty the word I should be using?" Every word that passed through her mouth felt like a release to her heated temper but another pang of guilt in her chest.

August's face fell as her words engraved in her brain, her cheeks tinging red as she stared up at her with eyes pleading her to stop speaking. "You are just mad right now, Willow."

"No, I'm not!" Eyes widening, she gritted her teeth and tightened her crushing grip on the girl's slender wrist, causing her to let out a small whine and wince in response.

The fiery red screen that seemed to tint Willow's vision was suddenly broken through by the sound emitted from the girl. She looked at her hand that clenched the girl's wrist between it at a grip so hard that her knuckles turned white and her hand shook.

Gasping, she quickly released the girl's wrist, realizing exactly what she had been doing. Her face fell away from the enraged expression to one of shock and guilt as she stepped away from the girl who held her aching wrist in her hand.

"I-I'm sorry," she mumbled. She grew sick at the thoughts that invaded her brain, reminding her that she had a habit of finding herself physically exploding on the girl and hurting her. Her stomach felt nauseous as she kept running over and over in her head how much she had hurt the girl. "I-I have to go." She sharply turned around and started walking to the front door, putting up her defenses. She had to do something, anything to distract the overwhelming pain she felt at that very moment. She needed to leave the room and go drown her emotions in alcohol.

August had started to grow fearful when the woman had nearly broken her wrist with her bare hand, but she still was not afraid of Willow. She didn't know why, after the reasons she had yelled in her face and all her own reasons in her head.

But she wasn't afraid of the woman who constantly exhibited her dangerous lifestyle and explosive temper, and that is why she yelled out, "Willow, wait!" and ran, grabbing the woman's arm right before she reached the door.

Willow's hand had been so close to the doorknob, and her tears so close to spilling out. She had never found herself so overwhelmed by emotions, on the verge of tears with trembling lips. She didn't know what to do, so she tried to do the only thing she could do which was run away. But a hand grabbed her forearm, yanking her surprisingly hard. The force caused her body to twirl around and slam right into the front of August's, and the woman nearly gasped as she felt a pair of arms wrap around her waist in a gentle but firm hold and a head lightly press against her chest.

It was then that she felt as if all her broken pieces, shattered and scattered about, levitated back together into one piece again. A hole that had been in her chest for decades was filled as she felt this other person, this girl whom she just met and had gotten accidentally involved with, squeeze all her brokenness back into wholesomeness. It could've been anyone that saw her and her gang kill that man that night in the alley, and it could've been anyone she would've been forced to kidnap and hold hostage there in Utah at the Blue Porcelain Hotel. But she knew in the deepest parts of her soul, dampened by the years she'd spent in her area of business, that no one else would've been able to hug her once and make her feel that complete.

Her arms wrapped around the girl who hugged her and pushed the side of her face into the woman's chest right below her neck, that being as far as she could reach. She nuzzled her nose into the girl's soft brown curls, inhaling her scent and fluttering her eyes closed as her arms squeezed her body tighter against her. She didn't squeeze tighter the way her hand had furiously squeezed tighter around August's wrists only moments before; she squeezed her tighter in a way that begged for her to never let go—a way that desperately thanked her for being the most forgiving soul she had ever met, no matter how much the woman hurt her.

"I'm sorry," Willow whispered into the girl's hair, letting her lips press against the side of her head. "I'm so sorry." She meant it, too.

"It's okay," spoke that light, angelic voice that was muffled into the woman's chest. "Don't be sorry."

It amazed her how the girl had calmed her down so quickly, how she forgave her so easily. It was rare that Willow encountered forgiving people. Most people she met were cold and hard, without a perception of what kindness really was. But now, as the young girl who she had hurt so many times in her short amount of time knowing her hugged her so tight and with such warmth that a small smile raised her lips upwards, she wished she had met that kindness years before.

August pulled away slightly, much to Willow's dismay. The woman wanted to stay there in the girl's comfortable hold forever. August lifted her chin up to stare into those serene green eyes that looked sedated in comparison to how they had looked only moments before. She smiled up at the woman, feeling a happiness in her heart for having calmed her down with ease. She found it funny how back in October she had this feeling that there was someone out there who needed her comfort, and now here she was, with the last person she thought it would be, comforting her like she was a baby needing to be consoled.

Willow smiled warmly at the girl, her eyes sparkling as she stared at her like she was a pot of gold. "Thank you," she whispered.

"Just kiss me," August whispered back, getting up on her tip toes but still not being able to reach the woman's lips with her own.

So she waited until Willow was done grinning so widely at her with her dimples and leaned down to meet her lips. Their kiss was different than the first time; this time it was slow and passionate, whereas the first one was zealous and lust-filled and too quick and hot to be thoroughly enjoyed. Willow memorized the feeling of her lips, resting her finger and thumb under her chin. When August allowed her polite tongue inside her mouth, Willow made sure to memorize every part of the inside of her mouth, relishing in her taste as she gave her one last peck before pulling away.

"You are a good kisser, by the way," August said with a smirk.

"Am I the best you've ever had?" Willow asked with an arched brow, making herself jealous at the thought of the girl kissing someone else even if it was before her.

"Mmm, I wouldn't go as far as that." August chuckled as she joked with the woman. She knew for a fact that Willow was the best she had ever and would ever have. She loved the way her lips had glided against hers and her expert tongue had softly explored her mouth. She wondered what her tongue would feel like in other places much more taboo than her mouth.

♠

The two women went and took their separate showers after their little moment, each smiling like crazies as they thought about one another. Afterwards, August refolded every article of clothing in her suitcase while Willow got ready for bed, turning everything off in the hotel before clambering into the bed.

"August?" she asked as she slipped under the covers, looking at the girl who placed the last folded shirt into her suitcase. She laid on her side, just watching her with such intensity as she did something as boring as fold clothes.

"Yea?" August replied as she zipped close her suitcase and placed it on the floor beside the bed, then climbing into bed herself. She moved around a bit until she got comfortable, laying on her back but turning her head to the woman.

"I just want you to know that..." Willow trailed off, not knowing exactly what she needed to say. She ran a hand through her black hair. "I want you to know that I really do apologize for the way I acted. I just felt so much guilt and anger towards myself, and I took it out on you which was not okay in the slightest." She reached out and took the girl's hand into her own, letting both her eyes and thumb run over every crease and line in her palm. "I just care about you...a lot. And I don't want to see you hurt, especially by my own hand." She shifted under the covers, sighing as she felt the nauseous feeling again that came with thoughts of ever hurting the girl.

"It's okay, Willow." Willow met the girl's gentle gaze as she continued, "I got myself into this whole shebang. If anything happens to me, I am the root cause of it no matter what. I am simply dealing with the consequences."

Willow nodded slightly, understanding what the girl was saying. "But I can't let that can't stop me from doing everything in my might to make sure nothing happens to you."

August smiled, leaning close to where her lips were only centimeters from the woman's. She whispered, "Then don't."

The girl closed the gap between their lips, giving the woman a slow, gentle kiss. As she pulled away, she saw an impish look across the woman's features. "What?" she inquired.

"I just remembered there is going to be a ball tomorrow night, which means I will get to see you in a dress." Willow smirked harder, winking at the girl.

"What? A ball?" August asked, perking her head up slightly. "You're just now telling me we're going to a fucking ball tomorrow? Also, I have no dress to even wear, not that I have to wear a dress like you assumed which I am offended by."

"It's a Christmas ball that our ally gangs from around here throw, and I can scrape something together for you," Willow spoke, an excitement growing inside of her at the thought of seeing August in a dress where her hands could slide up anywhere without being stopped by any fabric serving as walls.

August nodded, wondering what the woman could "scrape" together for her. She was too sleepy to ask, her eyelids suddenly growing heavy as they began to flutter closed, but she fought to hold them open.

Willow simply watched, both women facing each other, as the girl could barely hold her eyes open anymore. Eventually they closed for the rest of the night and her breathing slowed, indicating that she was asleep.

"Goodnight, August," Willow whispered, leaning forward to press her plump lips against the girl's forehead before leaning back to go to sleep herself and dream about the feeling of the girl's soft lips moving against hers.