chapter 23: safety

August nearly moaned at the feeling of taking her heels off.

"My God. I mean, I get it—fuck the patriarchy. But heels hurt like shit." August tossed the shoes across the room, letting her body fall backwards onto the bed and reveling in the ultra-soft mattress comforting her aching back. "Also, I'm starving."

Willow took off her blazer and rested it on top of the dresser, next unbuckling her belt that was starting to get tight around her waist from all the cookies she had eaten. "I'm not. Those macaroons were fucking delicious."

August listened to the jingle of the woman unbuckling her belt, and she looked over to see her long arm pulling the belt completely out of her waistband and setting it on top of the dresser. She then watched her untuck her white button-up shirt and kick off her shoes. Green eyes turned to stare at her.

"Come here," August whispered, patting the pillow next to her.

Smiling down at the beautiful girl laying in her bed, Willow strutted over and crawled into the space next to August who laid on her side. The woman laid on her side as well, facing the girl whose face was only inches from hers. She could hear her soft breathing.

"I have a question," August said in a small voice to the woman whose gaze pierced through her entire soul.

"Ask," Willow mumbled, trying to focus on the girl's words rather than her beautiful face.

"I just wanted to know..." August looked away, finding a loose string on the comforter and pulling it out. Twiddling it between her fingers, she resented the rabbit in her chest that was returning. She chewed on her lower lip, not really knowing how to articulate what she was feeling.

"Wanted to know what?" Willow quietly asked, watching the girl's every movements.

August gave a small sigh, rolling the piece of thread into a ball between her finger and thumb. "I just...want to know...what we are?" She was unsure of her words, not wanting to cause any awkwardness. She was also afraid that perhaps she had been delusional and that the woman would give a cold answer to confirm her lack of reciprocated feelings for the girl.

Willow just stared at the girl in front of her. She didn't know how to answer. Only six days ago she was nearly going to murder her. Six days ago she hated her and the burden she put on her and her gang, but now she found herself head over heels for the girl more than she had been with anyone her entire life. Willow was not a person who believed in love or romance, but there was something about August that made her want to.

"I don't know what we are," she began, reaching over and taking the girl's hand in hers. She ran her thumb over the back of her palm, feeling every bone underneath and every line in her skin. "And I don't know if I want to know." Her eyes flickered back up to August's to check if she responded, which she didn't. "I just..." She let her fingertips trail down her fingers and down her palm, letting them come to a slow stop at her wrist. "I don't want this to end," she whispered, biting her lip at how vulnerable she was being. A part of her wanted to run away from the vulnerability and retain a nonchalant attitude, but a bigger, much more powerful part of her stayed put in the state she was in, only because it meant she could touch the girl's hand the way she was.

"I don't want it to either," August whispered, her hand tingling everywhere the woman's roaming fingertips touched.

"August," Willow whispered, finally intertwining their fingers and looking the girl in the eyes. "I have never felt what I feel for you for anyone else in my whole life. Yet, I have never had so many reasons not to feel these things for someone as I do for you."

August felt her heart drop in her stomach. She was terrified that the woman would choose rationality over what she truly felt.

"But..." the woman trailed, her eyes falling to August's lips as she felt the intense desire to kiss them. "I have already gone too far with not listening to reason. I don't see why I should stop now."

August lifted her free hand and gently placed it against the woman's cheek, watching her green eyes flutter closed in response. "I don't want you to stop."

Willow opened her eyes to see the girl had leaned a bit closer. Her heart raced as she stared at the girl's red lips, wanting so badly to get lost in them the same way she got lost in her eyes. Those lips were her nectar and she was the hummingbird, her wings flapping a million beats per second and keeping her high in the sky.

"Kiss me," August pleaded her with a sedated look on her face, her eyelids half closed. Her blue eyes officially disappeared as the woman took no time in crashing her lips against hers.

August's fingers found their way to the back of the woman's hair, tugging slightly as their lips crashed together like harsh waves on a windy night at the beach. The girl's tongue was the first to ask for entrance, relishing in the minty taste of the woman's mouth. Soon, Willow's tongue invaded her own mouth and August felt a hand rest on her hip, tugging her closer to the woman. Their kiss grew more intense, inciting a soft moan from August that was nearly inaudible.

Willow wanted more of the girl. She could feel her immense desire returning, and the thoughts and feelings invading her mind and body were almost unbearable. She parted their lips for only a moment, eyes still closed as she breathed the girl's name, "August."

August felt Willow's breath against her lips, and then felt the woman's firm hand slide from her hip around to her backside, cupping her ass and pushing her front against her. She gently gasped, taking hold of Willow's collar in her fist.

Reconnecting their lips, Willow moaned as she squeezed the girl's firm ass harder, beginning to grind her front against hers in order to feel some kind of release in the friction. She let her hand roam, circling and feeling every curve of her backside.

"Willow," August let out a shaky whisper between kisses, tugging on Willow's collar to push their lips even closer together.

Their heated make-out was interrupted when a muffled ringing came from somewhere on the floor next to the bed. August jumped slightly, and Willow groaned as she stood up from the bed. Bending down, she rummaged through her bag until she pulled out August's phone that was ringing a lot louder now.

"It's your dad," she told her, looking up at her and noticing that her red lipstick was smudged all across her mouth. She chuckled, and so did August as she saw that Willow's own mouth was covered in her red lipstick. But her chuckles faded as she realized her dad was calling.

"Can I answer it?" she unsurely asked.

"Of course," Willow said, trusting the girl and handing her her phone.

August immediately swiped, answering the call and bringing it up to her ear. "Hello?"

"August," she heard her Dad breathe, and it felt like a million pieces of glass in her heart shattered.

"Dad," she returned his breathy tone, closing her eyes and pressing the phone closer to her ear. She hadn't had the time to think about home very much, but now that she heard her dad's voice, all her longings for her family came crashing down on her.

"I was texting you all night and you never answered. I got worried," he told her, his usually calm voice sounding unsteady and full of worry.

"I'm sorry, I was out and didn't have my phone on me," she quickly made up, glancing towards Willow who stood with her hands on her hips, listening with concern.

"It's alright. I'm just glad you're okay. Are you all packed for your flight tomorrow?" he asked her, his tone lifting.

August stopped breathing. She had forgotten all about how she had told her dad she would still be coming home for Christmas even though she couldn't. "Um... Yea. I am almost all packed," she breathily laughed, biting her lip to keep the tears forming in her eyes from falling.

Willow watched, not hearing her father's words but knowing exactly what he was saying. She felt a pang of guilt in her chest as she saw August turn her head away, knowing that the girl was trying to hide her tears. The familiar, gnarly grasp of guilt began to squeeze her throat. She hated the fact that she was keeping the girl from seeing her family on Christmas. She ran a hand through her black hair and tried to think.

"That's good! Well, I really need to get back to wrapping presents now. I just wanted to call to make sure you were alright." August could hear her dad sigh over the phone. "Don't scare me like that again, kid. I don't know what I would do if something happened to you."

August felt hot tears roll down her cheeks, but she forced her voice to stay strong and clear. "I won't, Dad."

"Good. Get some rest, August. I'll see you tomorrow! I love you, sugar."

"I love you too," she whispered before hanging up the phone, tossing it onto the bed and placing her hands over her face.

"August..." Willow whispered, walking over to the girl and placing her hand on her shoulder. She didn't know what to say to comfort her, but she wanted to so badly. The girl still had her hands in her face, turning away from the woman as she tried so hard to not let her breath shake and indicate that she was crying. "Please look at me," Willow softly asked her, sliding her hand across her back and nudging closer.

Finally letting out a sniffle, August removed her hand from her face but didn't look at the woman. She simply couldn't. She had never liked to cry in front of people, let alone people as sophisticated and ever-composed like Willow. It always made her realize how not composed she was, as if she was just spiraling all over the place all the time. She hated that feeling.

"Baby, please look at me," Willow insisted, placing her fingers underneath the girl's soft chin and slowly turning her face to hers. Her inflamed cheeks were watered with tears, her bloodshot eyes covered in black mascara that was slowly dripping down her face. Placing both hands on either sides of the girl's hot face, Willow used her thumbs to wipe away all of the tears across her cheeks, even though some were still coming. She would still just wipe them away and also wiped away the smudged lipstick still on the girl's mouth.

August felt like a child, feeling Willow's gentle hand wipe the lipstick off her mouth, leaving her lips buzzing from her touch. She inhaled, her lips beginning to quiver again as she felt more tears coming.

"Why are you crying?" Willow whispered, still holding the girl's face while she looked deeply into her eyes. She knew deep down why the girl was crying, but she wanted to make sure she was right.

August shrugged, trying to lower her head away from her stare, but the woman gently lifted her head back up. "I am here, August. Please talk to me," Willow pleaded. She began to worry; she had never expected the girl to be so reluctant to open up to her. She was afraid that she would never be able to break the seemingly impenetrable brick walls surrounding that girl's beautiful mind.

Gulping down the hard lump in her throat, August hummed at first to make sure that her voice could even work through all her crying. She then opened her mouth to speak in a raspy, wobbly voice, "I just..." She spoke so low that Willow leaned in closer to hear her. "Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. And I'm supposed to be with my family..." She hiccuped, more tears flowing down her face.

Willow looked at her with threaded eyebrows as that guilt again crawled its decimating way up her throat. She had never seen the girl cry like this, so upset that her words slurred together and the faucet behind her eyes not being able to turn off.

"My dad and Daisy—they just will be so upset. And I miss them. And I feel guilty for not being able to be there and I just—"

"Don't feel guilty," Willow stopped her, placing a strand of her hair behind her ear. The girl looked at her with sad eyes, her blue irises dampened with the angst hiding behind them. How could Willow ever do something to make those beautiful eyes look so full of despondency? How could she continue to look at the girl's melancholy and not do something about it?

Sighing, Willow let her fingers surf her own raven waves of hair. "Okay."

August scrunched her eyebrows. "Okay?" her throaty voice inquired.

"We will drive you home for Christmas tomorrow. But I have to go with you and be at your side at all times, for safety measures," Willow spoke all at once, not being able to get another word in because a pair of arms were being thrown around her neck, and she inhaled the French vanilla scent of the girl hugging her so tight she thought she'd suffocate.

"Thank you," August whispered in her ear, keeping her arms around her.

"Don't thank me," Willow mumbled, rubbing the girl's back with her hand. She closed her eyes, savoring the feeling of the girl hugging her so tight, basically sitting in her lap as her body pressed against hers. She buried her nose in the girl's shoulder, secretly inhaling her scent again. She never wanted to forget it.

♠

"Amarillo?" Willow repeated after the girl as she typed in the directions from Escalante, Utah, to Amarillo, Texas, on her phone later that night. They had both taken showers and packed all their things up so they could leave first thing in the morning.

"It's about 13 hours. So if we leave at 5 in the morning, we might be able to make it there before dark," Willow said, locking her phone and placing it on her nightstand.

August nodded, laying on her side and looking at the woman who looked beautifully comfortable in her pajamas with the sheets over her. Her white tank top revealed all her tattoos, August's eyes studying every detail of each one.

"So what's it like to live in a city that means 'yellow' in Spanish?" Willow asked her, staring down at the girl who had the covers pulled up all the way to her neck like she was a caterpillar in a cocoon.

"Is that your way of showing off your bilingual-ness?"

Willow rolled her eyes. "No, actually, I'm multilingual. I know German, Spanish, French, and Italian. The last three kind of all go hand-in-hand."

August smiled. "Were you a nerd in school?"

Chuckling, Willow stretched her arms in the air. "Sort of." She yawned, feeling tiredness overcome her body. "A nerd that was addicted to heroin."

August's eyes nearly popped out of her school. She didn't know why she was surprised that as a gang leader, Willow used to do drugs, but the woman didn't seem like the druggie type. "You did drugs?"

Willow nodded, her eyes meeting August's. "From 15 to 23. An overdose that nearly killed me is what made me stop. Now me and my men mostly just deal." Her mind flashed back to that night 6 years ago when she had almost died. For a while, she hadn't really felt fortunate for somehow surviving it, but as a familiar hand intertwined with hers, she was so glad she did.

"I'm sorry. I am glad you got through it, though. I'm proud of you for being clean for so many years," August told the woman with a soft tone, holding her hand in hers.

Willow looked down at their hands for a few moments before her cool green eyes glanced to August's eyes, then down to her pink lips. She leaned forward, giving August just one soft kiss that she let linger. She tried to completely savor the feeling, the taste of the girl's lips. She had begun to grow shamelessly obsessed with them.

After pulling away, Willow smiled down at the girl. "We should go to sleep," she whispered. "Have to get up early."

August smiled back, nodding before turning around and turning off the lamp on her nightstand, leaving the two in the complete dark. She snuggled back down on her pillow, pulling the sheets completely over her body. But a hand slipping under the sheets and a body moving closer to her made her open her closed eyes as she felt Willow wrap both arms around her waist and pull her closer, deserting her side of the bed to lay fully on August's side.

The girl felt blush rise to her cheeks as she placed her hand on Willow's hip, burying her face into her neck as they both laid on their sides facing each other.

Willow closed her eyes, bringing her hand up to stroke it through August's curls, feeling the significantly smaller girl snuggle closer to her body and leave absolutely no space between them.

In that moment, Willow wanted to simply absorb the girl into her body so that she would never have to be without her. And August wished she could absorb into Willow's body so that she could always feel that protected, safe feeling that she had never felt in her entire life. After 18 years of feeling vulnerable and unsafe, especially after her mother died, August could finally sleep without the covers pulled all the way up. She could sleep without clenching all her muscles and hugging herself so the pressure could calm her to sleep. The woman's arms pressing her close and her body so warm and inviting was all August felt she would ever need for the rest of her life. She breathed in the woman's scent, feeling her face nudge against the warm skin of her shoulder.

Willow felt like home—her safety.