♦⊱ Chapter 14 - Understanding ⊰♦

Ruka pov:

"That cloud looks like a rabbit," I mumbled to myself. I was sitting on a reclining chair on the snow-covered grass in one of the many gardens of the palace watching the clouds. It was just after lunch and I had nothing to do besides relax.

Days had progressed to weeks and weeks to months – it had now been close to three months since I had come to this palace and a little over one since I was allowed to roam the palace without soldiers keeping an eye on me all the time.

Kichiro sama's unexpected gestures of having me sit in his lap during meals and sleep next to him at night had become an everyday routine. At first, he had me sit in his lap or sleep next to him once every few days. It slowly increased and now it's something that is an everyday occurrence. I've not only got used to it but I've also become quite comfortable with it...which is kind of scary, actually.

I didn't feel as afraid of Kichiro sama as I was before and had even begun to be curious about him. I often wondered what the actual reason was for him to bring me here, why he always made me stick close to him when he could, why he was so...gentle towards me. I was his prisoner and there was no reason for him to give me such a luxurious room, expensive clothes and more than stomach-filling, scrumptious meals three times a day. He didn't make me work at all like a prisoner or slave would have and he didn't expect anything else from me either. I was free to do whatever I wanted as long as I remained well within the compound walls of the palace.

I couldn't really come up with any explanation for it though so I stopped thinking about it. I just settled comfortably in the luxury while making sure I stayed completely subservient to Kichiro sama.

Besides meal times and sleeping next to each other in the night, Kichiro sama had been mostly busy with his emperor duties. I rarely saw him during the day because of that. Despite our limited interactions, I had noticed subtle changes in him. He didn't get easily irked by anything I did anymore, mainly if I hesitated or was slow at understanding something. According to Kyo chan, he was a lot calmer than before, in general and not just with me, treating his soldiers and attendants without losing his temper as quickly as he did before.

If he did lose his temper though, he was still very violent and hadn't eased out on the intensity of punishments he gave to those he was angry at – I wasn't really aware of these changes though because I was silent and submissive, being the good girl he always wanted me to be. I just worked to make my behavior around him acceptable so he would lash out at me in any way.

He had taken me the Imperial Strolling Garden twice and both times, he had given me a branch of flowers as a gift when we left from there. His gesture was most definitely considerate and I had taken the liberty to put the flowers in a vase in 'our' room.

I also visited the stables often to see all the horses including Onyx. Onyx had taken quite a liking to me and I was almost sure that he was always happy to see me. I was certain that Kichiro sama had heard about my visits to the stable and even the name I had given his horse bit he hadn't said anything about it. I didn't try to tell him about it either since I came to the conclusion that he probably didn't mind it much.

I blew hot air into my hands to warm them a little. Winter had set in completely and I had to wear extra layers to keep warm. It was uncomfortable because the clothes were heavy and made it difficult to walk. But I couldn't really avoid the extra layers because it was a necessity.

My train of thought was interrupted by the light snow that began. I smiled, raising my hand to catch some of the snowflakes but my smile faltered when I remembered the very first snow that I had seen when still in the village. I remembered Tomo kun, Lady Kana, Miyuki san and the others I had become close with, missing them – surprisingly, even Akari.

I shook my head to push away the depressing thoughts. It was all in the past and I would only feel sad if I kept thinking about it.

I distracted myself by thoughts of snowmen that we built when I was in my time period. It was always a custom to build snowmen during the snowing season and I couldn't quell the desire to build one now. I got up and began to gather snow, rolling it into two big balls. Struggling a bit, I stacked one on top of the other and then added a third for the head of the snowman, though smaller than the ones I had used for the body. I then got up and sprinted to the kitchen excitedly.

When I entered the kitchen, the chefs there bowed in greeting. I smiled at them awkwardly, "Can I have a carrot, please?"

One of the chefs handed me a carrot on a silver plate. I kindly refused the plate and thanked the chef before hurrying back to my snowman with the carrot in hand. I stuck the carrot in the top snowball as the nose and searched for small pebbles for the eyes, a big smile, and the buttons. I put them in their places and then searched for sticks that I could stick in the sides as hands.

I then stepped back to look over my creative work with a wide smile. I took off the muffler I wore around my neck and wrapped it around the snowman's neck. I laughed softly, adoring the snowman and feeling happily nostalgic.

"What are you doing?" I heard Kichiro sama suddenly. I swiveled around to find him looking at me but spared a glance at the snowman.

I bowed and averted my eyes in mild embarrassment besides the usual nervousness I felt while around him, "I just made a snowman. I used to make snowmen with my family – I just remembered that so I made one here."

He walked closer to me and observed the snowman silently for a moment. While he was looking at the snowman, I observed him a little. Since I had been in close proximity to him often lately, I got many chances to observe the finer details about him. He was very handsome – tall, broad, and well-toned, but not buff. His face was carved into perfection, each and every feature sharp, masculine, and flawless. Right now, he wore red attire – a color I assumed he was fond of because he wore it often – and his strong physique was clearly noticeable despite the layers he wore.

I looked away from him with a light blush dusting my cheeks – I mentally scolded myself for admiring his physique like a fangirl.

He walked away without another word soon after. I watched him until he was out of sight and then shrugged. I crouched in front of the snowman and touched the tip of his carrot nose. My thoughts floated away momentarily and I recalled a scene from an animated movie that I had watched several years ago.

An act of true love will thaw a frozen heart.

Frozen, a story about a girl who had the power to control ice, who was afraid of her powers because she couldn't control it and so isolated herself from the rest of the world. It reminded me of Kichiro sama and I momentarily wondered if he too had a similar past that made him so isolated and cruel. In the time I had been in the palace, I hadn't seen even one person talk to him with the slightest affection. The ministers, attendants, and soldiers respected him because of his power and authority but they either feared him or resented him.

I think only Kijima san, Kichiro sama's first minister was the only one who didn't seem to fear him or resented him and genuinely respected him as a loyal subject.

Kichiro sama was always serious, his eyes cold, but I often saw something different in him when he looked at me. His gaze remained stern but I could see him searching for something in me. There was curiosity as well, and restlessness. He always gave me what I wanted, let me do whatever I wanted, but he never let me get away from him. He was somewhat possessive too, for I remember how I had begged him to spare the stable boy, Narumi's life when he had held my hand to teach me how to groom Onyx. He had ended up with a black eye, a broken arm, and several bruises on his body just because he held my hand.

I considered myself both lucky and special, I suppose. If I was the same as everyone else to Kichiro sama, I surely would have had my limbs cut off and my tongue ripped out of my mouth after I had run away and called him a monster. I shudder to think of such a situation.

The beautiful, expensive clothes, sitting in his lap during meals, sleeping next to him in the night – these weren't things that anyone would do for no reason, right? Perhaps Kichiro sama was doing all this to pamper me. Perhaps he was doing this because he wanted something in return. Perhaps I was being delusional but I couldn't help but think that he wanted love, that he wanted affection from me.

His gestures towards me were always so gentle. It made me wonder why he was so closed off and cruel to the rest of the world. It made me wonder what he was thinking, what secrets he was hiding behind his cold façade. I wanted to know more about him – I was genuinely curious off late – because I surprisingly liked his gentle side.

I wanted to know why he never smiled, why he always seemed so distant, why he never showed any expression besides placidity or anger. Despite his limited expression of emotions, his gentle gestures and proximity during meals and sleeping made me feel like a princess and flustered me enough to make me blush. When he treated me like a princess, I felt so special, so important, so...pampered. I enjoyed it even though I'd never say it out loud.

I sighed deeply and my breath condensed into whiteness. I was overthinking about this, wasn't I? I mean, why would he want me to like him anyway? We were total strangers – surely no one would be so comfortable around a total stranger and imprison but pamper them because they wanted to be pampered in return, right?

"Jeez," I groaned, letting my head fall sideways. I was definitely thinking too much and it was beginning to make my head ache.

I shook my head and stood, giving my snowman a smile. I decided to head to the stables to see Onyx. I climbed up onto the elevated hallway and walked to the stables at a comfortable pace. When I took a turn though, I paused walking upon seeing Kijima san walking down the hallway with a few scrolls in his arms. A thought went through my mind and I lifted my kimono dress a little to jog up to him.

"Kijima san," I greeted him with a chaste bow which he returned cordially.

"Good evening, My Lady. Is there something you needed?" he asked, his voice gentle yet stern. He was a knowledgeable man in his late thirties, courteous and composed no matter what was going on around him.

I smiled in return, "I had some questions, actually. If you aren't busy, I was wondering if we could talk for a few minutes."

He was silent for a minute, staring at me with an unwavering gaze. But he soon nodded, "I do have a few minutes to spare. Shall we sit in the tea garden to talk?"

"Sure, that sounds good," I agreed, nodding as well.

We walked to one of the small tea gardens that was closest to where we were in the palace. We took a seat opposite to each other at the wooden table under the creeper and snow-laden gazebo. We were served tea and light snacks by the attendants before we were left alone to talk.

"What questions do you have, My Lady?" Kijima san coaxed after taking a sip of his tea.

"I don't know if it's rude of me to ask this but I've been curious about for quite a while now. Why exactly am I here? What does Kichiro sama want from me?" I asked and noticed that he narrowed his eyes in the slightest. Ignoring that, I continued, "I've been here for close to three months now, have faced his wrath when I tried to escape, and have become confused and rather flustered by his unexpected gestures. Why am I here, Kijima san?"

Kijima san averted his eyes to his glass of tea he held in his hands. He was silent, lost in deep thought. I waited patiently until he decided to break the silence that had settled around us.

"Kichiro sama," he finally spoke, "is not like the rest of us."

"I don't understand..."

"Kichiro sama had been through much pain, seen much blood, and is still shackled to the endless darkness that he was thrust into when he was barely a wee child."

My heart skipped a beat at how low his voice had become, how deep his frown was. He looked both angry and pained. I swallowed thickly, unsure of whether I was ready to hear what he was going to say because I had a feeling that it was not going to be pleasant.

And I was right.

All I remembered about being five years old was running around and playing like I had no care in the world. I was busy having the time of my life, going to birthday parties of my kindergarten friends, eating food, playing with flowers and dolls, riding my bicycle...and that's what I'd seen all other children of that age do. But Kichiro sama had never had an ounce of innocence in his childhood. He didn't know what it was to be a child, to be free and unrestrained. He had never experienced love in any form, not as a son, a brother, or a friend. He grew up as a tool for power, surrounded by lies and distrust and blood. The number of times people had attempted to assassinate him was countless, the ways the people around him used him for their benefit was unimaginable, and the brutal mental and physical abuse he had suffered at the hands of every single person he was surrounded by was horrifying to even imagine.

I couldn't imagine living without love, living without people who cared about me – my parents, Kojiro, Tomo kun, Lady Kana, and all the other people I was close to. I couldn't imagine even now, at my age, being abused in any way, let alone being beaten until my bones were broken. I couldn't bear to imagine being a tool used to gain supremacy.

How was it possible for a person to have lived his entire life without the tiniest bit of love to still be sane?

I had been brought here for the sole reason that Kichiro sama thought that I would be able to give him the importance and affection he always longed for. It was the same with the boy who had lost his life because he tried to kill Kichiro sama instead of show him affection like he was expected to. As to why I was chosen specifically, Kichiro sama had found my unbiased concern for strangers as admirable. The injured man I had helped in the fields in the village I lived in was none other than Kichiro sama and by offering concern and kindness without consideration of his identity, his status, and anything else that one would consider when dealing with people, I had gained a paramount place in his thoughts and life.

I was alone in the tea garden now, in a daze as everything that Kijima san had told me about Kichiro sama echoed in my ears over and over again. My tea that I had had barely one sip of had gone cold. It had begun to snow again though, somehow, my heart seemed to be colder than the weather. I had a numbing ache in my chest as I thought of Kichiro sama that had even started occasional, silent tears to fall from my eyes.

Despite everything Kichiro sama had gone through, he had been strong. He had held on to his goal and pushed past all the insults, the pain, the hatred, to become the emperor, to rise to a level above everyone. He didn't know happiness or kindness or affection or...anything that any normal person would know and would have experienced so much in their lives. It was his harrowing past that had left him so cold, so ruthless, so stoic. It was why he never smiled, why he was never gentle...and I couldn't blame him for it.

All that he did for me – the luxury, the hesitant yet seemingly affectionate gestures, and freedom – it was all because he wanted to be treated as a human too. He was known to everyone as the Emperor of Darkness, he was feared and hated and no one ever wanted to be in his presence for they saw him as nothing more than a monster. In all honesty, I had been just as judgmental but I knew now that all he wanted was to be loved, to be cared for even if he had to force someone to do it. He just wanted to be...wanted.

Perhaps people would call him selfish but he wasn't. It wasn't wrong for anyone to wish to be loved. Everyone deserved to be loved and so did Kichiro sama.

I raised my arms to look over the sleeves of the beautiful kimono-dress I wore. I was treated like royalty here, given everything I wanted, served without the slightest lack in anything – all just because he wanted a warm heart in return. He was doing so much for something people got without any effort at all and the thought of how unfair his life had been made me tear up even more.

I'm sure Kichiro sama would never cry and even call it as foolish but I couldn't stop crying for him despite having several soldiers as an audience – they were guarding the hallways like they always did. They ignored me though and I was thankful for that.

A few more minutes passed in silence before I wiped the tear staines off my cheeks and stood. I gazed ahead, sudden determination burning fiercely within me. I was still afraid of Kichiro sama and would be incredibly flustered by his gestures but I wanted to show him that he was important too, that he deserved care and concern and affection like everyone else in the world. I wanted to release myself from the shackles of hesitance and help him.

If I was appreciated for being warm and loving person to those around me, I could surely spare some affection to Kichiro sama too, right?

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Yes, Ruka chan! That's the spirit! You can help Kichiro sama feel happy and wanted and loved TwT The poor guy has had a terrible past and I know you can heal his heart :3

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