Chapter 27: Rock Stars Drop a Xan, Sometimes

Trace

I should sleep for hours more. Kat is in my arms and last night we made an incredible connection. Yet here I am in the gray dawn, sweating, shaking and miserable.

My misery is partly from the partying, but mostly from the guilt. I'm stuck on this thought:

I'm in bed—and in love—with my sister-in-law.

Fuck, it's almost laughable that I never thought of Ashlynn as my wife until Kat came back in my life. I never once thought of Ashlynn while I was fucking a hundred fangirls in the last two years. And I never brought any weird guilt vibe home to Ash over it, either. One had nothing to do with the other.

It's not the case anymore, because the two women in my life are undeniably connected, and I care about them both. I can't stop thinking of where Ashlynn is and how she might be hurting herself. I don't feel unfaithful to Ashlynn, but I do feel like I'm hurting her now that I know how she feels about me. Me being with Kat is driving her to even more instability. And even though I told Kat everything except the fact that there is a marriage certificate tying Ashlynn and I legally together, I know in my heart I'm lying to her. Somehow, I don't think she's going to see it as nothing more than a piece of paper.

How could Kat ever see a commitment between us as real, if I try to convince her I think marriage is a meaningless arrangement? And yet how can I explain the truth...that though I'm no where near in love with Ashlynn, I feel committed to her? Can I make Kat understand that I was a twenty-one year old idiot and I had no clue that marrying someone and living with them everyday and taking care of them would build a powerful bond? Can she possibly understand at eighteen what I still can't wrap my head around after two years of being married?

Fucking hell, I can't tell if my head or my heart is going to explode first. They are both hammering, and not just from my vicious circle of guilt.

I broke the first Rock Star Commandment: Though shalt not take candy from strangers.

I should have spit that pill out, when the fangirl in Leed's room put it under my tongue and shoved her beer bottle in my mouth. She said it was Xanax, but I feel like I'm dying right now. Why the fuck did I swallow? It could have been anything.

The truth is, I took it because I was hoping it was like she said...a little Xanax to take the edge off. Because I was torqued over Ashlynn and even more freaked about going to bed with Kat. I was afraid without something pharmaceutical, that I might end up using sex with Kat to calm down, and I didn't want that. When Kat and I do come together, it will be a first for both of us. She's never had sex with anyone, but I've never made love with anyone before. I want it to be so right between us...and how can it be, under the circumstances?

Why the FUCK did I take Ashlynn to Vegas and marry her?

I've asked myself that a thousand times at least, and the best answer I can come up with is that I saw so much crazy shit in LA in my first six months of fame-orgies, fight clubs, overdoses at house parties-nothing seemed real to me at that point. A midnight ride across the desert to get hitched in Vegas? Just another crazy night without consequence in a rock star's life.

Except, it did have consequences. Christ, if I had waited one day and thought it through—if I had tried to imagine myself explaining it to Kat—I could never have gone through with it.

Goddamn the state of Nevada and their 30 minute marriage industry.

"Hey," Kat murmurs, sliding a hand up my sweat, slick chest. When she feels me shaking, she sits up abruptly. "Are you ok?"

I roll away from her, sitting up on the side of the bed, grabbing a water off the nightstand. "Yeah. Just a little rough from the bourbon and no dinner."

She leaves the bed for the bathroom, and when she returns, she crawls across and kneels behind me, easing a cool towel around my neck. She holds out two hands. One has three ibuprofen and the other has a joint and a lighter.

I rub the towel over my face with shaking fingers. "Where did you get the weed? Leed or Bodie?" Either way, we're gonna have words. They shouldn't be giving my girl anything but maybe a beer without letting me know. Kat's not some LA party chic, and her sister is a drug addict. Addiction is partly genetic, right?

I try to not to dwell on the hypocrisy of my line of thought or think about my dad as I sit here shaking from unknown quantities of liquor and anonymous pharmaceuticals. It's not the same. Last night was as bad as it gets for me, generally. I do a good job pacing my drinks. Last night was an exception. And I don't do drugs, as a rule.

"What? It's yours—from your bag," she laughs.

Okay, well, I don't do pills or hard stuff. There is the weed, but who doesn't smoke a little? Even Presidents cop to it.

"I was looking for the headache medicine. Oh," she said suddenly. "Sorry, I guess I shouldn't have gone through your stuff."

"It's fine." I swallow the ibuprofen and put the weed in the drawer, pulling her back to bed with me against my chest. She pats me gently with the cool cloth.

"Do you need...something besides weed?"

I sigh. "You think I'm in some kind of withdrawals, don't you?"

"You're shaking and sweating, Trace. I've never seen anyone do that from too much to drink."

Ha, I have. My dad, plenty of times. Kat doesn't have experience with that level of alcoholism. Fuck, I really need to stop drinking so much. I refuse to become him, downing a liter-plus of scotch over the course of a Saturday and pretending like he had the one-day flu on Sunday. I decide to come clean with Kat.

"Kat, I took a Xanax last night in Leed's room. I'm not used to them. I guess I'm coming back up, and I feel...jittery. It's not a big deal. I've had worse hangovers. Honestly."

"Why would you choose last night to do that, if it's not something you've done before?"

I shrug. "It's not like I never have, I just don't usually. It was like I told you...the conversation with Ashlynn. I was upset and I just wanted to...be chill, with you."

She is quiet as she traces thoughtful circles on my chest.

"What are you thinking?" Fuck, please don't be thinking my lifestyle is too much and you want out already.

"I feel like you are two people, Trace, and I don't understand why. But I want to. I saw all the pills in Leed's suite last night and some of the sound techs and the girls were doing lines. I see how casual everyone is about it, and I think about Ashlynn and I guess I am a little worried about you, too. But I know I can't expect you to change for me. I just don't want you to hide things from me, and treat me like a child. I mean, if the partying is a...habit you are trying to manage, or whatever, it's ok.  I mean...I don't like it, I don't want to get high, but it's not...a...a...dealbreaker either. I won't judge you, I promise. You mean too much to me. I will never turn my back on you. If my parents and I hadn't judged Ashlynn, maybe things would be different."

I don't know what to say, so I kiss the top of her head. Kat is so smart and intuitive and she's reading my emotional pieces and trying to fit them together in a way that makes sense. She's so close, but she can't make the pieces fit. She's sensing I have a secret. She thinks I have a drug habit. Fuck, maybe I do. Maybe Kat is my heroin, and Ash is my methadone.

Finally, I say, "It means a lot to me that you feel that way. I promise you I do not have a dependency like Ashlynn, ok? And I want to be able to share everything in my life with you. But...there are some...things going on with me that I...want to change. And I'm trying to get straight with that right now, so I can give you my best. I just need a little time. I want to make sure I'm on the other side of some stuff with my head straight, before I share everything with you."

"Is that why you want us to go slow? You don't want to make love until you are...straight?"

"Yeah, something like that," I murmur.

"Okay," she says. "I get it." She bites her lip. "I know I've been acting like virginity is a life-threatening disease and you are the only cure, but...honestly, it's not about losing my virginity. I just...I feel like..."

I'm trying not to laugh at her self-admitted description. Actually, I think it's adorable, how  she wants me, and only me. She obviously never begged Dickwad for it or she wouldn't still be a virgin—there's no way he would have slowed his roll. "You're ready for us. You were waiting and you didn't know why and now you realize, you were waiting for this. I get it, and I'm...blown away by you, Kat. And I'm...working really hard to get there, too. But it's only been three days and I want to do things right."

"This feels right." She snuggles close against me. "I love exactly where we are right now. Slow is better. You're right, Trace—we have time."

I trace walk my fingers up her ribs. "We could have a lot more time if you stayed on tour with me all summer."

She's quiet. I feel like I'm pushing for too much too fast. She's eighteen, she's never even lived on her own, and I'm basically asking her to live with me, on tour for twelve weeks.

"If it's too soon to make a plan like that, I totally get it, Kat."

"It's not too soon. It's just, I have a month-long internship at this medical research lab in Texas that is supposed to start in two weeks. But to be honest, I don't want to go. I never did, really. Especially now. I want to stay with you. In this bed," she adds, kicking a smooth leg across mine and rubbing my calf slowly with her foot.

The shakes and sweating have totally subsided. Kat is so calming to me. And the way she promised not to judge me, I can almost believe she won't, even when I tell her Ashlynn and I made a terrible mistake. But I meant what I said. I want to be on the other side with the annulment papers when I do that. And to do that, I've got to get Ash back to LA; I've got to make sure she has a support network and is stable and she understands that just because we annul our marriage doesn't mean I'm not going to help her. No way am I abandoning her with an email annulment. Christ, I need to get up and find Riley and see if the PI he hired in Atlanta has had any luck tracking where she went.

But I can't do that. Kat thinks I'm two people, and I won't flip the switch right now and stalk out, claiming I need to do rock star business. I'm here with her...for her, right now.

"Why don't you want to do this internship?" I ask. "I mean besides the obvious reason."

"Obvious?"

"Well, you can't deny... my shock and awe has got your sweet little pussy functioning as your brain..."

She pinches my nipple. "Shut up."

"Personally, I think you should bag this research gig. You are probably incapable of contributing any higher brain function out there in Texas while you are jonesing for my lovin'...Owwww!" She pinched fucking hard—and twisted!—that time. "But, that's just my very biased opinion. Was there a specific reason you didn't want to go, before I got your panties all wet and bunched?"

She burrows against my neck and whispers. "I don't want to do research, or major in pre-med."

"Then why do it?"

"Because I should? I mean, it's not like I hate the sciences. I have the grades and the aptitude. It's practical, it's just not my passion."

"Your parents want it?"

"Yeah."

"What do you want to major in?" I ask.

She shook her head. "I'm not sure. That's the problem. I'm not sure, and my parents are sure that I should shoot for med school."

"What about your art?"

"Well, I still like to create little things, when I have time, but I haven't felt inspired to do big pieces in years. Mostly I just fool around with vector graphics on my laptop. I don't even have a portfolio, even if I wanted to apply to an art program."

I bite my lip. Don't say it. Don't fucking say it, Trace. You've rearranged Kat's world enough in the last three days. You are going to scare her off. "You don't have to go, if you're not ready. You could defer. Duke's not going anywhere. But you and I could."

"Could what?" she asked carefully.

"Go places. When this tour is over, Soundcrush is on a long hiatus. We could go to Paris, or Rome, or anywhere else you want to go. You could get inspired." Fuck. There. I said it. My arms automatically tighten around her, like I'm afraid she's going to run from the bed.

She doesn't stiffen or try to flee or even react for a long moment. She just keeps lazily circling my chest. She sighs. "That's a really nice daydream, Trace. Where else would you want to go, if we could actually do that?"

I start breathing again. She didn't take me seriously. I guess that's a good thing. Otherwise, I seem kind of crazy, planning a world expedition to restore her creative mojo, after only what...eighteen hours of being her boyfriend? And I guess, it really is a daydream. I can't escape with Kat. I have to see about Ashlynn.

But we can dream. "South America. Maccu Picchu, the Amazon, all the ruins."

"Hmmm...that does sound fun."

"Yeah, lots of good food and music and fun culture in South America, too. I've been to a few places...Rio, of course. I like the vibe in Peru."

"Don't they eat guinea pigs in Peru?"

"Yeah, but you don't have eat one. No one should have to eat the memory of a beloved pet."

"Ahhh, you remember Zelda the guinea pig?"

"I remember the time we made her a maze under Ashlynn's bed and didn't clean up the poop."

Kat giggles. "It really started to stink after a few days. She was so mad."

"Yeah, Ash is a total germaphobe," I say casually. Kat stiffens.

Fuck. Just last night Kat told me she doesn't want to talk about Ashlynn when we are in bed together. I try to think of a way to redirect, but Kat beats me to the punch.

"What was it like...you two living together?"

"Probably like you would expect," I say. "We got on each other's nerves a lot."

"But...I mean...you didn't have...any awkward moments?"

"Lots," I assure her. "You'll have lots of awkward moment with your roommate in your dorm, until you get used to each other. Adam and I acted like weirdo punks to each other for weeks before we became friends." I frown. Where is she going with this?

"I didn't mean that kind of awkward..." she trailed off. "I meant...did you ever...find yourself..."

Now, I know where she's going with this, and I refuse to let her. I tilt her head up, forcing her to meet my eyes. "Did I ever find myself looking at Ashlynn and missing you? Absolutely."

"That's kind of my point, Trace. If you're attracted to me, then surely you are attracted to her."

"You are missing my point. Once I took a good look at her one day, and realized I was looking at your nose on Ashlynn's face, the curve of your pout on her lips...and especially the eyes—the way they go almond shaped just like yours when you guys smile. I couldn't stop seeing you."

"That's not making me feel better, Trace."

"It should," I insist, desperately trying to make her understand. "I thought of you everyday that I spent with Ashlynn after that. It was torture. I was missing you the whole time, but knowing you needed to be right where you were, in high school, getting grown up."

She looks away. "I don't want to talk about Ashlynn anymore." She always says that. I keep bringing Ashlynn up and Kat keeps telling me she doesn't want to talk about her. I'm beginning to understand. Kat's a little jealous of Ashlynn. That's not good.

Not good at all.