Chapter 4

"Loving someone is giving them the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to." Julianne Moore

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Chapter Four

Luke opened his eyes. Why he bothered, he did not know. It was not as though he could see anything once his eyes were opened.

But he consistently felt a pang of disappointment whenever he did open his eyes. After nine and twenty years of waking up to the day, he was not used to seeing nothing. Every morning, for only a few seconds, he forgot that he was blind.

He wondered what time it was. He knew that there was a small clock on the mantle but that would not do him any good. He could always ring the bell for a servant, but how humiliating it would be to just ask them for the time. What if it was the middle of the night? There would be no one downstairs.

Luke did feel rested. It had to be morning, or thereabouts.

Instinctively, and perhaps hopefully, Luke felt across the width of the bed for another person. He was not surprised to find that he was alone. Well, not entirely alone. His hands did come across the tin soldier that he had found on the settee.

Luke sighed and encased the soldier in his hand.

Isabella had not joined him during the night. Luke did not blame her after the way he had spoken to her. He really did need to apologise. Would she come to see him today? Luke's breath caught in his throat. Would she bring Jamie?

Luke pushed back the duvet and swung his legs over the side of the bed. It took a moment for him to focus. He had paced the bedroom the day before. The basin was nine paces in front of him.

Luke took a deep breath and tried to balance as he put one foot in front of the other. He counted in his head as he took careful steps towards the basin. He was going to have to learn to do this every day for the rest of his life. He had to be able to walk in a straight line.

"I can do this," Luke said to himself. He could not spend the rest of his life as a miserable lump.

With his arms outstretched in front of him, Luke smiled when he felt the basin and the bench before him. This was his first success for the day. He felt along the bench for the jug of water that he knew would be there. Sure enough, to the right of the bowl was the jug filled with cool water. Carefully, Luke secured his hands on the handle and lifted the jug towards the basin.

As Luke poured the water, the liquid hit the rim of the basin, and splashed him directly on his nightshirt. Luke swore loudly. Whatever confidence he had built up quickly plummeted. He cried in frustration as he placed the jug back down on the bench. Just as soon as he released the jug, he heard it fall to the ground and smash. Water splashed his feet and began to soak the rug that he was standing on.

Luke smacked his hands against his forehead and swore again. He cried out and huffed. He all but threw a tantrum.

"Now, now," called Mary, just as he heard her close the door. "It was an accident!" Before he knew it, he could feel the fabric of Mary's dress against his leg as she began to gather the pieces of the jug.

"I broke the bloody jug!" he shouted.

"Then we will get another one!" Mary retorted. "You know you can wait for me to come to you in the mornings, Captain."

"I cannot always depend on my nurse! I should be able to wash my face in the morning without having a nanny tend to me!" snapped Luke. He knew he was being very rude and short with Mary, but he was not in the mood for morning pleasantries.

"You are going to break things, Captain. It is all a part of adjusting to your condition," Mary said calmly. "Now, are you hurt? Did you cut yourself on any of the china?"

"No," Luke grumbled stubbornly. Only his pride was hurt.

"Good, now come and eat your breakfast," she instructed. "Then we shall get you dressed. Your mother wanted to visit with you this morning."

Luke just knew that his mother was going to cry. Helena had always babied Luke. She definitely favoured him over Matthew to a degree. Matthew had always been self-sufficient. Luke was the one who had needed Helena growing up, and that was what she had liked. She hated the fact that he had to go into the navy but Luke was a second son. It was either that or the clergy, and Luke knew that he would have been bored witless writing sermons.

Luke was glad that he was able to spook the porridge into his own mouth. Having Mary feed him would have been too humiliating.

"I have laid out some clothing for you. Come and get dressed," Mary encouraged.

Mary led him back over to the bed and held up his trousers for him. She always informed him that she had turned around while he pulled them on. Luke had to sit down while he put on his trousers. He had made the mistake in the past of trying to put them on standing up. This had resulted in a near concussion. Once he had managed to fasten the button on his trousers, he pulled his nightshirt from his body and discarded it. Mary then helped him into his shirt and tied his cravat for him. She then buttoned his waist jacket and helped him into his coat.

"There," she said proudly. "You are perfect."

Luke scoffed. "I do not know about that." He then sighed. "Mary, I do apologise for my behaviour earlier."

"I have seen this all before, Captain. You do not need to apologise to me." Luke suddenly felt her hand cupping his cheek, albeit briefly.

That was strange.

No sooner had that thought entered his mind, there was a knock on the door. "Isabella?" he whispered to himself.

"I am sorry, Captain, but that will be your mother. I spoke to Mrs Cassidy yesterday in an effort to explain your condition. I do believe that she would prefer to keep her distance from you at the moment," Mary said regretfully. "I think that this is all a bit much for her for the time being."

"Oh," said Luke emotionlessly. He clenched his teeth to keep from trembling. "Of course this is too much for her." Luke in no way wanted Isabella to be his nurse, but he could not deny that her not wanting to be near him was hurtful. "Tell my mother to go. I do not want any visitors today," he mumbled.

Mary quickly obeyed him. He could hear his mother's protestations from outside the door but Luke remained quiet.

"Did you want to talk about anything, Captain?" Mary asked softly after she had sent Helena away. "I am here to listen."

"How am I supposed to be Isabella's husband?" Luke asked suddenly, exasperated. "How am I supposed to be Jamie's father? I am the one who is supposed to take care of them! Not the other way around!"

Isabella had fallen in love with a naval captain. Would it be impossible for her to love him in his present condition?

Mary placed her hand over his and led him to the settee. "Mrs Cassidy is awfully young, Captain. She might not be mature enough to comprehend your condition."

Mature. Isabella had certainly had her moments of pure immaturity during their informal courtship, but then, so had Luke.

He could remember their first kiss as clear as day. It had been in the Dawson girls' village in Sussex, just after Annaliese had given Luke her blessing to pursue Isabella. The ladies were shopping, but Luke had not been able to tear his eyes away from Isabella, and the piece of liquorice that she was absently nibbling.

How was it that this girl was able to making eating sweets tempting? Luke stared at Isabella as she flipped through one of the dressmaker's catalogues. Were he not staring at her lips, he would have been making gown suggestions, albeit inappropriate ones.

Isabella nibbled on the end of her piece of liquorice and looked up at him sweetly. She batted her beautiful brown eyes at him and smiled. "I cannot concentrate on these gowns with you staring at me so, Captain," she teased.

"No?" Luke teased back. He walked up behind her and peered over her shoulder. Much to his delight, he saw Isabella shudder. He was not oblivious to the effect that he had on women, but this was all the more pleasing. "Well, then, you should not be eating that liquorice so seductively, Miss Isabella," he whispered in her ear, "or I might be forced to do something about it."

Isabella, with fire in her eyes, grinned at him. "Oh? What are you going to do?" she challenged playfully, abandoning the catalogue. She turned around on the stool that she was sitting on to face him.

"I shall pinch the rest of that liquorice stick for starters," Luke hinted, winking.

Other girls would have blushed and turned away, perhaps even handed over the liquorice. But not Isabella. No, she proceeded to stuff what was left of the sweet into her mouth, leaving only the end poking out of her mother.

Isabella arched her eyebrows, as though she were challenging him to take it.

Luke did not need to be asked twice. He immediately closed the gap between their two faces and bit off the exposed piece of liquorice. As he did so, he pressed his lips to hers fervently and wrapped his arms around her. He could feel Isabella's enthusiasm as she stood off of the stool and into his arms. Just as Luke was about to deepen their kiss, they were interrupted by the dressmaker scolding them about public propriety.

Both Isabella and Luke had laughed, but Luke had known right there, in that moment, that she was the one for him.

But perhaps that Isabella was no more. It had been three years since they had been together. A lot had changed. More than a lot had changed.

"Where did your head go, Captain?" asked Mary quietly.

"A better time," replied Luke honestly. "Before I became this."

"Captain," said Mary firmly as she took his hand in hers, "this is not anything to be ashamed of. You are no less of a man because of this, and if Mrs Cassidy cannot see that, then she is horribly mistaken."

Luke's head snapped up. "Did she say that? Did she say that I was less of a man?"

Mary did not answer. Instead, she said, "Captain, it is an unfortunate fact that some marriages do not make it through hard times."

"Isabella would never be cruel," Luke said confidently. She could be in shock, but she would never be cruel. "Would you ask her to come to me tonight?" Luke asked Mary.

"Tonight?" repeated Mary. "After dinner, you mean, for bed?"

"Yes, what other kind of tonight is there?" Luke huffed. "Tell her that I want to apologise. Nothing else. Tell her that she does not have to say a word. I need to apologise for how I spoke to her."

Mary said nothing.

"Mary?" prompted Luke.

"Y...yes, Captain. I shall ask her," Mary said quietly.

Luke knew that he was still going to throw adult tantrums whenever he broke something. He would most likely get frustrated with himself every day. There would be days when he would not want to get out of bed. But he was hopeful that there would be days that are successes.

He just did not want Isabella to give up on him. If she did, it would be awfully hard for Luke not to give up on himself as well.

"Thank you, Mary," Luke said gratefully.

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Hiya my lovelies!!

I'm so sorry about the wait. I have been working like crazy leading up to Christmas!! I now officially hate Christmas music thanks to my job. I swear the same 4 songs are playing on a loop - "Last Christmas I gave you my heart" (HATE HATE HATE that song now) "Santa Baby" "Under the Mistletoe" (Ugh, most annoying song ever) but I do like the Michael Buble songs playing hehe.

And there is no bloody air con in my store so I'm melting because it's stupid summer and a heatwave is coming, joy! It's going to be 41 (106F) on Saturday! I have to work, then I have to put on a dress and pretend not to die of heatstroke at a 21st.

Okay, enough whinging from me! I have to tell you guys something because if I don't tell someone I'm going to burst! I suck at keeping secrets!

So my family always write code names on our presents under the tree as one of my brothers has a habit of opening and re-wrapping his presents. This year, my code names are Holly Golightly, Jo Stockton, and Natasha Rostova. If you know anything about me, it's that I LOVE Audrey Hepburn :) Okay, so my code names: Mum = Holly Holightly, because Breakfast at Tiffany's was the first AH movie I ever saw, and the first AH movie I made my mum watch. Jo Stockton = same for my brother, Funny Face was the first AH movie I made him watch. And Natasha Rostova = for my other brother, because neither of us have seen War and Peace. My brother is thinking wayyyy outside the box. Like I'm not even kidding, somehow he connected Natasha Rostova with The Grinch which is his favourite Jim Carrey movie. Yeah, we're weird, I know :P But none of them have even thought to maybe, I don't know, Google the names!!

But I got my mum this special vase for Christmas. Long story short I broke her favourite vase a few weeks ago. It was on the floor in the downstairs lounge and I tripped over it and it broke. So I searched high and low (even on American websites!) for a replica and it's this old fashioned design that I couldn't find ANYWHERE but lo and behold, I walked into Harris Scarfe last week and there it was, the last one, and 40% off, SCORE!! I can't wait to see her face!

Okay, I am working CRAZY hours next week leading up to Christmas. Like I'm not even joking. I'm working 10-7 on Tuesday, and until 10pm on Christmas Eve setting up for Boxing Day Sales. Depending on what time I finish work on Sunday night, I might be able to write then, but I'll see. I'll keep you updated on Instagram (littlelowriter).

Love you!!! Xxxx