Chapter Thirty-Three: The Dark Night of the Soul

There's this thing in movies called the dark night of the soul. Once you know about it, you always recognize it. It's that moment when all seems lost in the protagonist's life. When they hit rock bottom and can't see a way out. Everything they've tried to do has failed. Every path they want to take is blocked. But in the morning, there's a glimmer of light. Something shifts, and they realize something that they haven't thought of before. They claw their way back and before you know it they're tackling that obstacle, or solving that crime, or finding that love that was elusive until then.

That's how life works in the movies.

But my life?

It's the morning now. I barely slept last night. I couldn't get the image of Ben's broken face out of my head. I couldn't help wondering if this was another one of the stupid decisions I was making in my life. The BookBox is just a job. I can get another. I can move to some other town or back to Cincinnati. I still have friends there. But if I do that, then I won't have Ben.

Ben.

I've only known his name for a couple of months, but it feels like it will be imprinted in my life forever.

Am I in love with him?

That's what Anne realized in Anne of the Island in her dark night of the soul after she learned that Gilbert was dying. That she loved him, that she'd loved him the whole time. But there I go again—looking to books to solve my very real problems.

Because it doesn't matter if I'm in love with him.

That doesn't change the reason I broke things off.

What I said was true. I can't trust myself around him. I can't trust that what I'm feeling is real or right or the best thing for me. And how are you supposed to build a relationship if you can't have that?

How are you supposed to build a life?

My phone beeps on the nightstand. I check it, half-hoping it's Ben even though I told him not to contact me. I'm surprised by the time. It's after ten. I haven't slept this late in a while, but I guess I have nowhere to go and I still feel exhausted.

It's a text from Jameela. Only we've never texted before so that's how her text starts. This is Jameela. Are you okay?

I'm okay, I write.

I can't believe they put you on suspension.

Before I can answer there's another text that appears and I realize it's a group thread. The other person is another number I don't recognize.

There are a couple of old ladies who work in fulfillment who nearly had a heart attack after they read your list.

Addison? I ask.

Of course.

So Jameela and Addison truly have made up. That's something. I picture them, sitting at their desks in the triangle with my empty one, messaging me on their phones. I guess they couldn't call me in case Tabitha heard.

I can't believe this is happening, I write, partly to them and partly to myself.

It'll blow over, Addison says.

No, I think I'm getting fired. Tabitha wants to fire me.

But sales have gone up month over month since you've been here, Jameela writes.

And that thing you did with that campaign made that book a New York Times Bestseller, Addison adds.

Yeah. Doesn't seem to matter.

You just going to take this lying down?

I am in bed, yeah.

Ha, ha. No, girl. No, Addison writes. Get up. Fight. This is bullshit.

Agree, Jameela says. You have to fight for the family you want.

I can't help but laugh. #Bridgertonquotes forever!

Totally, haha. But I mean it. This isn't like you. Just accepting this.

I know. But I just broke up with Ben.

Why?

Because you were right, Addison. I was making stupid decisions.

When did I say that?

In your Wattpad story. You know, the one about me?

There's a pause, and I wonder how she's going to react.

That's fiction.

I know, but it's inspired by me, right?

Maybe.

I'm not mad. You made me see some things. So thank you.

My phone pings with a new text in a separate thread. It's Jameela.

I can't believe you brought that up!

Is she mad?

Nah, she seems fine. I think someone contacted her about publishing it?

What?

An editor at Wattpad I think? Deanna something.

OMG.

The other thread pings and I toggle back.

I wasn't trying to teach anyone any lessons with that book.

I know, it's fine, Addison. Whatever you were doing, it resonated with me. And lots of other readers too.

You sure you're not mad?

Nope.

Cool.

Ping!

OMG, Jameela writes in the other thread. I can't believe she's not telling you about the book!

I'm sure she will when the time is right.

Doesn't she need your permission or something?

For what?

To use your story?

I don't know.

She should give you a cut.

Ping!

What are you two texting about? Addison writes.

OMG, does she have magical powers? But no, she's not dumb. She can see that Jameela is texting more than what appears in the thread.

Jameela mentioned that you might have some interest in publishing your book?

The other thread goes. !!!

I can't lie to her again. I'm in enough trouble.

Ping!

Yeah, that's true.

I think that's great, Addison.

Really?

Yeah, really. If it's your dream, go after it, right?

Good advice. You should take it.

Right.

I mean it, Chloe. What do you want out of your life? If the BookBox is it, then go get it.

How?

Ask for a meeting. Make your case. If you don't try you'll never know.

Right.

Same goes for Ben.

Ouch.

Why did you break up with him? Jameela writes.

I said—ever since I started trying to find him my life has been a mess. I make stupid decisions. All that stuff with his phone number. His ex is still hanging around. I just don't feel like a can trust it or him or me.

Respect.

But real true love is worth it, Jameela writes.

I wish I lived in the Ton, but I don't.

That was a racist, misogynistic time, Addison says.

You know what I mean. A fairy tale. Where everything works out.

Happily Ever After.

Yeah, no HEA for me.

You can get that too, if you want it, Jameela says. Don't you believe that?

Honestly, if I just get my job back that will be enough for me for now.

You need help with that? Addison says.

I'll take all the help I can get.

Okay, Addison writes. Can you come to the office at 4?

I'm not supposed to.

I'll make sure it's okay. Just come.

Okay, thanks, guys. I really appreciate the check-in.

Jameela puts a heart in the chat, but it's some sort of Giff, because it keeps growing and growing until it explodes, splattering all over the screen.

Sorry, Jameela writes. Not what I was going for.

No, I write. It's perfect.

I show up at BookBox fifteen minutes before four. Addison texted to say it was okay for me to come, and there's no way I'm showing up late for this meeting. I have a bad moment when my pass doesn't work, and I have to go to security to get a visitor's pass, but I shouldn't have been surprised.

I'm on suspension.

Suspended in time.

Not welcome here.

Gah.

It doesn't help that I know I could reach out to Ben right now and that he'd be there for me, sending me encouragement, offering to make me dinner after. It hasn't even been a day, and if I keep thinking about him, then I'm going to start crying and that is not the look I'm going for.

Instead, I've dressed like I'm going for an interview, and I have a printed package under my arm with the sales numbers and initiatives I've done in the last year and a half. I ride the elevator up to the BookBox floor more nervous than when I was coming for me first interview.

Tabitha is there to greet me when the doors ding open. I guess she can't trust me to even walk into the office without an escort. I feel a flash of annoyance; it's not like I stole anything.

"Hi, Tabitha. Thank you for meeting with me."

She nods and glances over her shoulder. Jameela and Addison are smiling at me encouragingly from our shared workspace.

"Come into my office."

I follow her into her office and sit down where she tells me too. She's got some of the bestselling book covers up on her wall—there's one waiting to be mounted is the book I worked on, Most Wanted.

"I'm listening. What did you want to tell me?"

I put my folder down on her desk and open it. I hand her a copy of the printout. I went to Kinko's to get it done in color, and it looks impressive if I do say so myself.

"First of all, I wanted to reiterate that I did prepare the list of titles you were asking for."

"You didn't email it to me."

"I know. Here it is." I push a document across the table. I spent the rest of the morning preparing it and the rest of the presentation. There's nothing like fear to focus the brain, and I think the list is pretty good. "And I'm happy to produce content like that whenever you want. On Friday, I had a lot going on. The other list ... I know it's not funny, but it's a long-standing joke between me and my best friend. It was her engagement party on Friday. It's not an excuse, but it's why I was keeping the list. I was frazzled and I sent it to you."

"You sent it To-All."

"I know. But you know how that happens. I started to write your name and it came up as an option. I was working too quickly. Others have made the same mistake."

"Not with pornographic material attached."

"I know. And I'm sorry. I can write an explanation or go apologize to anyone who was offended."

She folds her hands on the desk. "That's the bare minimum."

"I know. And I also wanted to show you this." I take out the second document and give it to her.

"What is this?"

"It's our sales figures since I started here. You'll see that we are up 25% overall, and that Most Wanted was the most requested book of the last year and still going strong."

"You're taking credit for this?"

"Not credit ... I wanted to underline my contribution."

She looks again at the paper. "Where did you get these statistics?"

Addison gave them to me but I'm not throwing her under the bus. "I ... I got them off the server."

"While you were on suspension?"

"No, I mean, yes, but only to show them to you."

"This is highly irregular, Chloe."

"I wanted to show you how much my job means to me and how I think I've been doing well here at BookBox. I know I screwed up a couple of times; I'm human. But I'm good at this job. I'm good for BookBox."

"And what about your interpersonal issues?"

Does she mean Ben? "What are you referring to?"

"You and Addison and Jameela."

"We're good."

"I'm not an idiot, Chloe. I know Addison wasn't actually sick the other day."

"You'll have to ask her about that."

"I'm asking you."

I shake my head. "As far as I know, she was sick. And we're all friends. I'm not saying everything is always perfect between us, of course sometimes there's going to be little flare-ups, but nothing serious."

"I have trouble believing that."

"Didn't Addison and Jameela convince you to take this meeting?"

She leans back in her chair. "That's true."

"Why would they do that if we were in a fight?"

"That's a good point."

"Everything is good between us, I swear."

"All right."

"And nothing will happen like this again. I've taken care of the distractions in my life. I will be 100% focused on work."

She considers me. "What about this man who you were searching for."

"He's not a factor anymore."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"After all that?"

"It wasn't working out."

"Why?"

Do I really have to explain this to her to keep my job? "Um, that's private."

She smiles for the first time. "Good for you."

"I'm sorry?"

"You're too soft sometimes, Chloe. You let people push you around. That was a totally inappropriate question, and I'm glad you pushed back."

"Oh, okay. Thank you?"

She looks at the report again. "This is good data."

"Will it make a difference?"

"It might."

"Will you go to bat for me?"

She puts the report down. "I'm not sure, Chloe. I have my job to think about too."

I feel like a deflated balloon. "I understand."

"Give me a day to think about it."

"Of course." I guess I'll use that time to polish my CV. Ugh. I stand up. "Thank you for your time."

"I'll let you know."

"Thank you."

I turn to leave.

"I'm surprised," Tabitha says.

"About what?"

"That you're not with that man anymore. Ben?"

"Why?"

"Because he called here today to ask me to go easy on you. Said it was his fault that you were distracted at work. He seems like a nice man."

I nod slowly, shock enveloping me. "Sometimes nice isn't enough." I blow out a long breath. "Is it okay that he did that? It didn't hurt my chances did it?"

"Did you ask him to call?"

"No."

"Good. I like a woman who can try to save herself."

I give her a wan smile. "That's me."