13

-• a latent desire •-

Rudra

Pleasure was dormant for the most part of my life. I never seeked physical satisfaction. I didn't find myself wanting it ever, not even when I realised my body and face possesses the natural skill to attract the masses, men and women alike. I relied more on my eloquence and political deftness to control people's mind. Honestly, I never found the need to use my body in attracting one's attention. I basked in my prowess as a sharp minded individual who didn't need anything except his intelligence to take what he wants.

Well, that certainly didn't last long because of a certain someone who benefits nothing from my sleepless nights, yet I still spend them thinking solely about her.

She wasn't lying when she boasted in front of Akansha that it's not her spreading her legs, it's me.

Because fuck, I'd be her slut anyday. That's how much control the woman has on me.

Sex used to repulse me.

Even at the thought of physical intimacy, my stomach used to churn, and I used to feel a bile rising my throat. I never even shagged myself until she came. That's how much I hated sex.

But now I'm a twenty five year old virgin man, with raging hormones and high sex drive, that only greeds after one woman. It's pathetic. I wouldn't call myself a saint. Sometimes the appetite to feel a lithe flesh slide against my body was so strong that I did consider picking up a random woman at the bar. But no, my dick is more loyal to her than me. And so, it only stood up excitedly at the thought of her, no other woman, no matter how drop dead gorgeous, was able to evoke an illicit, raw hunger from my body as she does.

I hate it.

I can't die a fucking virgin if I don't get her. I can't rely on my right hand for the rest of my life.

Maybe I should see a new psychologist.

Yes, new. Because I did see one in the past, and her response was quite logical from her perspective, as she called it. I thought she was incapable of treating me.

"I think, Mr. Rajawat, you're emotionally dependent on that person. As you said, you've lived a very guarded life, and you've been very conscious and alert about your safety. So in a way, naturally, by allowing your emotions to express in that person's presence, you've also automatically provided a safe place for your body. The emotional attraction has allowed your body to drop all the inhibitions and feel the need to be accepted as whole. Because of the past, you've subjugated your body into using disgust and revulsion as defense mechanism towards its natural needs. But that's not okay. Physical needs cannot be suppressed, and by bringing this person in your life, by opening up to them emotionally, you've already wired your brain into thinking that physical intimacy with this person must be just as beautiful, safe and secure."

I scowl deeply.

Bullshit.

She's just so sexy. That's it. That's the only reason.

And she makes me want to soften my tone, become gentle, and subdue my dominance around her. She's beautiful, she's gorgeous, only a gay man wouldn't want to slip her dress off and kiss every bare inch of her body. Her kindness and optimism is just a plus. She also has a thing for certain dark things. It adds to her charm. She's fucking perfect. And she makes me feel grounded, stable, the internal clash of my thoughts ceases in her presence, my body, my mind, and my soul seems to become one, for she demands the entire attention when she steps into a room.

It's her fault.

If she had been anything like the people I've met in my shitty life, maybe I'd have never felt this thick desire to bind her to me forever. But she threw me off my axis, so I did what I could, I made her my axis.

It's her fault. It's all her fault. I don't care if she's hating me right now, perhaps even killing me in her head. I don't care if she feels trapped, helpless, and agitated with the whole situation. I don't care whether she has forgiven me or not. And I don't care whether she'll ever forgive me for what I'm doing to her.

If I can't escape the hell I was born in, she must step in here and become my heaven.

It's unhealthy, I know. And if love is really anything like the books and movies describes, then I'm setting a bad example here, because my love is made up of all evil I've grown up in.

My love is not attuned with the beauty of this world, it roots from deep within the darkness of hells. It cannot be compared to the sunny days of warm summer, nor to the crystal snowflakes of cold winters. It's a destruction encased in a storm, unforgiving, uncontrollable, and it cannot be appeased with.

It can never know the generosity of a sacrifice, it is eternally punished to be selfish. There's no compassion, there's no patience, and there certainly is no end. My love is damned to perdition. It has born from the ruins, and it'll bloom there.

The shrill ringing of my phone breaks the heavy daze of lust glossing over my thoughts. In the dark room, the phone screen glows. I sit up straight in the bed and reach for the device on the nightstand.

Video call from Arush.

Frowning, I slide accept, and damn my luck, the first person I see is her, standing at a distance and laughing along with her friends. The sight of her stirs my cock to life. She looks ethereal in the red dress. Only if the neck was a little more deep, I'd have got a delicious glimpse of her cleavage.

Pervert.

The voice in my head chastises. Deserved it.

I breathe heavily in the night. I can't deal with this right now.

"She looks completely unfazed." Arush speaks. I blink to focus. "Did you really propose her?"

"I did."

He snickers. "Yeah, you're dying single man. She gives zero fucks. That's my sister." He sounds proud. I roll my eyes.

"Did you talk to her?"

"No," he answers. "I thought the moment she sees us, she'll burst out and complain about you. Surprisingly, she was very calm. She didn't even react when I intentionally said your name when Agastya Bhai asked me about my studies."

"She won't make a scene."

"Why wouldn't she? Getting proposed is a big deal, especially for girls."

But she won't. I've warned her.

"I know she won't. You'll have to talk to her. Tell her about my situation. I need her help."

"Yeah, I'll try. I can't promise."

"Arush, we made a deal. Remember?" I grit out.

He sighs. "Yeah, man, I remember. But I don't want to influence her decision. I'll just show my support, that I'm okay with her marrying you. That's it."

I close my eyes in irritation. "Fine." I snap, aggravated. "Just talk to her."

"Alright, I'm hanging up now-"

"Don't." I blurt out. "Let me just see her, please. I've missed her." I cringe at the last sentence.

"No, that's creepy. Bye." And he cuts off the line.

I throw the phone on the bed, palming the tent in my pants out of frustration. Trying to think of gross things fails miserably when her face keeps popping up in my head. That meaty flesh, those plump, juicy lips, the sexy curve of her neck, my hands practical itch to wrap around her throat and choke her until her mouth opens up to kiss me.

Stop.

I've lost it. I've officially lost it.

And so has my dick. Because nothing stops it from straining my briefs to the point it becomes almost painful to keep it confined. I undo the strings hastily, my fingers deft, yet clumsy, and before I know it, before I can even comprehend it, my length is in my palm, pulsing, throbbing, and leaking with need.

I close my eyes and imagine her soft, nimble fingers around me, sliding the small palm up and down my hard cock, brushing the pad of her thumb gently over my bulbous head, using the sticky fluid to coat the entirety of my thick girth, and increasing her pace as she looks up at me with ravenous blue eyes, caging her bottom lip beneath her teeth, watching me like I'm her most favourite muse.

She fondles what she can't hold, and watching me trickle from the slit, she licks her lips. Wanting me in her mouth. Needing to taste me.

Oh, fuck.

My wrist burns by how fast I start to jerk off.

A low groan rips from the back of my throat.

I come shuddering in my hand.

Settling down from the high, I lean back on the headboard and pause briefly to catch my breath. Reaching for the bedside drawer, I snatch the wet wipes from the box and clean the mess before tucking my dick back in my pants. I throw the waste in the trashcan and head inside the bathroom to wash my hands.

As soon as my butt touches the bed, my phone bleeps with four steady notifications. I pick up the device and unlock it, regretting my decision almost immediately.

Arush: the three images as i promised.

images attached

I give up right after downloading the first image. The neck is deep enough, alright. Especially in that pose.

My nether regions tingle. I look down at my sweatpants, shaking my head slowly as I get hard again. "Don't you fucking dare." I threaten. "Oh, fuck," a soft exhale leaves my mouth as my briefs tighten.

I'm not doing it again.

I don't even come that fast. It takes me over ten minutes. My hand is already tired.

"You fucking dick," I grimace. "Go die of blue balls for all I care." Lying down on the bed, I set the AC to its lowest temperature and drape an arm across my eyes, forcing myself to sleep. It's only eight in the night. But I've nothing to do here, and Yara is busy working on his updates.

I jolt straight before I can fall asleep.

Of course, I can't fall asleep lying down. I've tried sleeping normally for times I've lost count of. But it simply never worked for me. Everytime I lie down and try to sleep, my body jerks awake right before I can doze off. It's scary. As if I'm on top of a cliff and plunging down to my death.

The doorbell rings, bringing me back to the present. I frown in confusion. I don't remember having any visitors. If not Tarun, I don't expect anyone to know I'm here. But Tarun won't come, he had to go to the hospital after getting a sprain in his lower back after Taranya flipped him over. I wince just remembering how weak his voice sounded over the phone. He was on the verge of crying.

Unless......

I get off the bed with a gasp and trip on my slippers, crashing to the floor with my knees taking the fall. "Ow!" I rub them harshly, forcing myself to stand up and stumble out of the room. A rabid desperation flows through my body, making me restless before I can open the door. Fixing my messy hair and adjusting my sweatpants so my hard-on isn't visible, I plaster a calm look on my face and open the door.

Amir stands in front of me with the take-out bags of some fancy restaurant.

My face falls.

He blinks.

"It's you." I say disappointedly.

"I apologise for being me." He says. "Should I ring the bell again? This time open the door without any expectations."

Rolling my eyes, I step aside and let him in. He walks past me inside the suite. "I figured you hadn't eaten anything the whole day. So, I ordered from a local restaurant that had most positive reviews. I've tried it. It's good. Should I serve you?"

"I'm not hungry." I plop down on the couch with a huff.

He shoots me a glance, then focuses on unboxing all the food. "You've to eat something. I can only protect you if there's anything worth protecting." He puts the dish in my lap.

"If only I knew beneath that polite exterior is a sarcastic man who talks back to his boss without any emotion on his face." I state, palming the dish from beneath and picking up the spoon with my free hand. "Didn't you find any Indian restaurant?" I grimace at the slimy noodles.

"I did. The reviews said it tasted nothing Indian."

"Got it." Twirling the fork, I put it in my mouth and savour the creamy taste of cheese and sauces. "Do you think she'll come?"

He shrugs.

"No?"

"I don't know her enough to assume that."

"Fair enough." I mutter. We fall in comfortable silence. He doesn't speak again. I don't try either. Over the last three years, we've formed this understanding and trust between us that never needed words of affirmation. It's just happened. Yuvraaj was apprehensive in the beginning. He refused to trust the man. But then an incident happened that shook us both.

Coming from a powerful family has its own demerits. Compromised safety is one of them. Virendra made a hasty mistake again. He's still not over his gambling addiction. And when I denied paying for his debts, he hired men to get rid of me. That was the only solution he could think of, considering he can't reveal the truth to the Chairman, neither could he watch me owning the Rajawat Empire. So, when I was out and about, commuting from Jumbo Steels to Esther Innovation, a bullet was to kill me instantly if Amir hadn't shoved me aside and took it on his shoulder.

Blind rage had filled me seeing one of my loyals bleeding profusely on the floor. And it was enough for me to drag Virendra to the same cell he had locked me up my whole childhood, torturing him until he begged for my forgiveness.

He should remember, I'm not a boy anymore. And the man in me doesn't favour mercy.

Yuvraaj had stepped in before I could beat him to death. Then he appointed a doctor to nurse the old man back to his health, and until then, told me to lie that daddy dearest was on a business trip to Mumbai.

Ever since then, Yuvraaj and I trusted Amir as more than a bodyguard.

"Does it really have to be her?" Unexpectedly, he breaks the silence between us.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't like her."

I raise an offended brow.

He sighs. "She hates you. It's in her eyes. She'll do anything to hurt you if she's forced to give in and say yes."

"I know." I nod.

"She'll never want to make you happy. I've been with you for three years, and I know you deserve to be happy more than anyone."

I smile. "Thank you. But she makes me happy. Everything about her makes me happy."

"If you say so," he gets up from the couch. "I'll be outside. Let me know if you need me." And he walks out of the suite, closing the door softly behind him.

I put the plate away and bury my face in the cup of my hands, thinking back on his words.

"She hates you. It's in her eyes. She'll do anything to hurt you."

Abandoning the leftovers, I go back to my bedroom and don't come out until next morning. It's when I'm preparing myself a cup of coffee that my phone vibrates on the kitchen counter, flashing Arush's name. I slide accept and put the call on speaker.

"Yes?"

"She's talking to Yuvraaj Bhai. They're in his room."

Fuck.

My stomach plummets to unseen depths.

"Can you hear them?"

"No, of course not. The walls are soundproof."

I stop the coffee machine and turn around, leaning on the counter with my hands clutching the edge. "Did you talk to her yet?"

"I didn't."

"Then what are you waiting for!?" I growl out. "Don't forget, Arush, you were the one desperate to offer me your support in exchange of my help. I've fulfilled my end of the deal, now it's your turn."

"Geez, so impatient. Stop bringing that up every time we talk. I remember what I promised you. I'll talk to her."

Yeah, when it's too late.

Perhaps, it's already too late.

I hang up and lower my head, inhaling deep breaths to calm myself. There has to be some other way to make her mine if this doesn't work. But standing against Yuvraaj, when I don't even have her yes? There's no fucking point.

I can't give up on her, damn it.

I'm restive for the rest of the day. I've no idea of knowing what's happening there and it's eating me up from the inside. I'm not a patient man. I don't do waiting. I've done more than fucking enough of it. It's only a day I've left her unsupervised after dropping that bomb on her. Fuck, I should have been careful in using Tarun. But I was so damn desperate to meet her again that I didn't care if he needed to blow off his cover to bring her to me.

Arush calls me again close to midnight.

"What happened?"

"She was surprised. She didn't expect me to know about it. I told her to think carefully and then decide. I'll support her anyway." He mumbles. "She was quiet. She just listened to me."

"That's it?" I frown.

"Well, I also said you'll be trapped for the rest of your life if you get married to Niharika. Power in the hands of Rajawats has already proved to be fatal, too much of it will be catastrophic."

I nod. "Thanks."

"Now, it's waiting game. Though, I don't think she was much convinced." He sighs and hangs up.

I spend the night doing mundane, boring tasks. Another day arises, and falls, bringing no good news to my doorstep. I slowly start to lose hope. Niharika calls me on the third day.

"Come back,"

"My flight is tonight."

She falls quiet. "So, I win."

I clench my jaw and hang up, throwing the phone to the wall. Amir rushes in after hearing the loud thud. He slows down upon seeing the shards of my phone screen on the floor. Squatting down, he takes out the sim from the broken phone and puts it in the extra device. I accept it with a small thank you.

"I'll keep the car ready at six."

I nod reluctantly.

He sighs and walks out of the room, probably feeling pity for me. I sit down on the edge of the bed in defeat. It's over. And there's nothing I can do to change that. Even using my worst, I couldn't conquer her. Hardening my heart, I decide to pack my things.

Amir drops me a text at six.

Amir: The car is ready.

I reply with okay.

I haul my suitcase off the bed and wheel it to the living room. Grabbing the card key from the dining table where I left it this morning, I walk towards the main door and pull it open.

I freeze.

The key slips from my hand when my eyes meet the familiar blue ones. The pace of my heart skyrockets.

She watches me keenly for a moment, her gaze drops to the suitcase in my hands, and she breathes, walking inside the suite past me. I deeply inhale her scent, like an addict finally getting his fix.

"Come inside. We need to talk."

Holding back a smile of victory, I follow her inside the suite.

Honest lies carry more conviction than blunt truths.

And before you know it, they trust you more than they trust themselves.

I'm sick to be enjoying this 💀

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