45

-• secrets between us •-

Taranya

I don't mind acting my part in front of Shourya. He sees stability in me, perhaps, even his future. And while lying makes it worse, I know he's not ready to handle the truth right now. What I'm doing is wrong, I'm giving him hope, and empty hopes are crueler than sincere promises. I hate to be making the decision on his behalf, but it's what's good for all of us. What's hard is facing Rudra, which is ironic considering this is not even my mess, and I never had any say in it. I was dragged, unwillingly so, yet I'm the last to complain. The guilt I feel after treating Rudra with indifference shouldn't be there but I can't help it. He looks at me as if I'm tearing apart his world. He's still trying to room with this new change, and having it shoved in his face every now and then must be hard. But I'm afraid this might become the last nail in the coffin of their relationship as half brothers. And I don't want that kind of guilt on me. I don't want to become the reason for the wedge between two brothers.

If not for me, they'd have given each other a chance, right?

I'm sure at least Rudra would have tried, considering he regrets what he had to do to Shourya for his revenge plan.

But seeing his half brother claim his wife as his might spread the bitterness to the roots, ruining the beginning of something new that could have bloomed into something beautiful.

"Am I boring?"

I jump at the voice. My eyes meet the familiar brown ones and I plaster a small smile on my lips. "Sorry?"

"You're always distracted around me." He mumbles, playing around with his fork in the salad bowl.

I shake my head. "No, that's not-"

He looks at me, and I fall quiet. I can't refute. I do space out a lot in his company. Around him, there's a lot I get to reflect on. He's nothing like I expected him to be when we first met seven years ago. I don't even remember what he was like then, except for his promise that said he's going to have me one day. I wonder what would have happened if he wasn't in coma for so long. I hated his audacity back then, now I'm curious. Who would have this Shourya grown up to become? Would he be anything like his half brother? Or starkly different? Would he have become spoilt, rude, obnoxious heir of Rajawat Estate, or considerate, smart, capable businessman?

"Tara,"

I blink out of the reverie.

"See," he smiles tightly, "you did it again."

Sheepish, I look down at the bowl of my soup.

"Is something bothering you?"

I shake my head.

"Then what is it? Why is it that when you're with me, you're never with me?"

I swallow.

"You said we were in love," I gather enough courage to look into his eyes, "Where did that love go? Is it still there? Was it ever there?"

I clench the spoon tightly in my hand.

"Talk to me, Tara, I'm so alone." He whispers. My heart squeezes in chest seeing the unshed tears shining in his eyes. "I've so much to say, but there's no one here. Even when I'm with you, I'm still alone."

"I'm sorry."

"That's it?"

I shrug.

"Then don't be sorry." He murmurs. "I don't want you to be sorry, because that would mean I'm right. I don't want to make you so guilty that you'd think giving up is easier than trying. Because I can't afford you to give up on me, Tara. I'm already so alone. I can't lose you."

It makes me feel terrible to be on the receiving end of his kindness. Because I don't deserve it. The chance he's trying to give me, it was never mine to begin with. How can I tell him? How can I tell him I'm not who he thinks me to be? I'm not his wife. Fuck that, I'm not even his friend. All I'm doing is deceiving him.

"What happened before my accident?" He asks suddenly. "Did we have a big fight? Was I angry? Was I rash driving? Why was I out so late at night? Why did you not stop me? Did we have problems in our marriage? Was I- was I cheating on you?"

My eyes almost bug out of their sockets.

He stops at that, taking my nonverbal response as a yes.

"Oh my God, did I really cheat on you?"

"No! No! No!" I shake my head and change seats to sit next to him. He looks at me earnestly, as if hoping desperately I help him out of the stumbled swamp. "You did not cheat on me. We did not have a big fight that night."

"Then what is it?" He turns fully to face me. "Did I change after the accident? Had you- had you given up on me? Were you trying to move on?"

I look away, unable to answer. What should I even say? Everything he's feeling, thinking, assuming, is based off on a lie. I can't hurt him more than I already had. I can't lie to him more than I already did. If I conjure up fabricated truths to his genuine questions, it might give him answers, yes, but also a new space to ask more questions. The more details I add to this fake world, the real it'll get, and the more real it feels, the more it'll hurt when it shatters.

"Please, I cannot take your silence anymore." He begs.

I feel torned.

"Wait," he says, catching my attention and I regard him with confusion, waiting to hear the rest. "In the- in the three months you had to act as Rudra's wife, did you start feeling something for him?"

I freeze.

His eyes bore into mine, demanding answers. "Do you like him, Tara?"

I clutch the edge of my seat tightly enough to dig through the leathered cushion with my nails.

"Do you love him, Tara?" He asks in an even lower voice, as if he's holding himself back from lunging off the chair and rattling me physically to get a response out of me.

My lips tremble, my heart races, and I start to sweat nervously. I hadn't yet confronted my feelings. I don't know where I stand with my feelings towards Rudra. I don't know whether I love him or not. I know that I'm in the process of falling for him, but there's a big difference between liking someone enough to love them in the future, and being already in so much love that you can never stop liking them.

"Tara, please answer." Shourya pleads, holding my hands in his, clutching them so tightly as if he's afraid I'll say what he's dreading to hear, but is aware of already.

"I- I'm -" the doorbell rings.

We both startle.

"Someone's at the door," I pull away, snatching my hands from his and he slounches in the chair while I go to attend the door.

As soon as I open it, Agastya drops his raised arm from the doorbell.

I frown. "What are you doing here?"

"Shour-" he winces, "Rudra said you need my help." He corrects himself.

I almost cry in relief and hug him tightly. He goes off balance but holds his footing before wrapping his arms around me. "What's wrong?"

"Thank you. I was about to off myself." I rest my forehead on his chest.

"What?" He peels my hands off his bicep and makes me stand straight. "Did something happen?" He looks over my shoulder, meeting my eyes again, "Did he try something on you?"

"Confrontation."

Agastya frowns.

I shake my head, dismissing the questions he might have. "Just thank you for coming. Let's go inside." I hold his hand and lead us back inside the house.

Shourya returns from the kitchen, having cleared the dining table, and stops short at the sight of us.

"Have you guys met before?" I ask in an attempt to make the introductions.

"Holy shit." Agastya says under his breath, then leans down to whisper in my ear, "He looks exactly like him."

I elbow him in the ribs. He stands straight with a wince.

"This is Agastya, my brother. He's older than me by two years."

Shourya nods. "Hi," He comes over and reaches for a handshake. "I'm Shourya. I'm sure you already know. We couldn't meet at the Veer Mahal, but I remember I heard you once in a while outside the room I was staying in."

My brother stares wide eyed like a deer caught in the headlight. I pinch his spine. He jolts straight with a hiss and rubs his back, giving me a stink eye before shoving his hand into the outstretched one for a firm handshake. I release a sigh of relief.

"The pipeline in the bathroom of the ground floor is leaking, so I asked for his help." I make up a lie on the spot.

Agastya looks weirdly at me. He can't close a perfectly working tap properly, let alone fix a leaking water pipe.

"You could have asked me." Shourya says.

I chuckle. "How can I? The doctor has advised you out of any physical work. You need complete rest."

"I'm sure I can handle a little bit of plumbing work."

"Okay, do it." Agastya says.

I glare at the good for nothing waste of space.

Shourya blinks, taken aback by Agastya's statement.

"But first tell me what tools you'll need," Agastya asks, crossing his arms on the chest.

Shourya opens his mouth, coming up blank. How will he know? Poor guy went in the coma at the age of sixteen. I'll be surprised if he can spell convenience right. I'm half British and have completed my full education but I still can't.

He clears his throat, "You're right." He smiles at me. "I could have helped you, but the doctor told me to get deep rest." He glances at Agastya who feigns an understanding nod. "I'll be in my room. Let me know if you need me." His gaze flickers between both of us and then he turns, marching upstairs to his room. The door slams shut and I let go of a stressed sigh.

"Dumbass." Agastya mutters under his breath.

I slap his arm. "If you're so smart, tell me what tools a plumber needs to fix a leaking pipe?"

"Is there a leaking pipe you need to fix?" He asks.

I shake my head.

"Then you don't need to know," he strolls inside the kitchen. "Is there anything to eat? I'm starving." He stretches his arms over his head before opening the fridge and sticking his head inside.

I follow him and push him away, leaning in to get the ingredients for scrambled eggs out. "I'll make you something. Did you not have breakfast?"

"Nope. I was about to when your husband -"

"Shh!" I glare at him, looking outside the door in case he's around. Though I know I'm just being paranoid.

Agastya makes a face of regret before whispering sorry. I wave it off. "Just don't call him my husband aloud, especially around Shourya." He nods in response. "Continue," I encourage, moving towards the kitchen island with the eggs and bread.

"Yeah, so he called and told me you need my help. He didn't say anything else. I thought it was important so I came right away."

"Thanks." I shoot him a grateful look. "Scrambled eggs and toast sound good?"

Hopping on the kitchen island next to me, he nods in agreement.

Agastya stays with us for the rest of the day. I request him to not leave my side no matter what, and indirectly so, he obeys by keeping Shourya busy with video games. The only two things to make men bond with each other are girls and video games. Sometimes cars might replace the girls, but video games stay.

By the end of the day, I'm packing up to leave.

"Do you have to go?"

I turn around, and there he is, standing at the threshold of the guest room, looking at me longingly. My stomach twists in discomfort.

"Yeah, I've office tomorrow." I walk up to the dressing table to grab my phone and charger.

"Can't you leave tomorrow morning?" He walks inside and closes the door after him. My muscles grow stiff automatically. I force myself to keep doing whatever it is I'm doing. Right, wrapping the USB cord around the adaptor. The moment he's close enough that I can smell him, I turn to leave, but he grabs my wrist. "Stop pushing me away." He grits out and encloses me with his frame. I flinch when my back hits the wall. "I want to kiss you," his eyes drop to my lips. Panic ensues. "I want to reassure myself that whatever I'm feeling is not one sided, it's reciprocated, and I'm not just making up things." He looks into my eyes. I fist my hands, doing my best to curb my flight or fight mode.

You can't push him away, Taranya.

You can't.

He'll demand to know the truth. Everything will come to an end. Rudra's revenge, your revenge, everything will cease if things go wrong between you and Shourya.

I breathe so heavy I've to part my lips to keep the oxygen going in and out of my lungs. His gaze falls low and he comes closer. I feel tears burn the corner of my eyes. I fist my hands to my chest, my muscles all tighten and I clench my eyes shut, hoping something happens, anything, a calamity, a war, an apocalypse, fuck, even an alien invasion.

Suddenly, he pulls away, I get free room to breath and my eyes snap open.

"You're trembling." He points at me.

I look down at myself.

And he's right.

I'm trembling, from head to toe, as if I'm getting electrolutate.

"At least you didn't push me away," he sighs. I stare at him. "I'll take that as a sign. And I'll wait. Until you come and tell me what's really the issue between us." With that, he turns away and walks out of the room. I go lax against the wall, relief spreading through my body.

Without wasting anymore second, I pack up my backpack and head downstairs, getting into Agastya's car in the passenger seat.

"What took you so long?"

I look outside the window, at the balcony facing the hills, and spot him there, watching me. He smiles softly and waves at me. I swallow, forcing myself to wave back at him, before I'm quickly buckling myself to the seat and staring ahead. "First, let's just go from here." I say.

Agastya frowns at me but listens. In less than a minute, we're leaving the farmhouse behind. I'm finally able to breathe freely. For the entirety of the drive, my brother keeps asking what's bothering me. I avoid answering by making an excuse of being tired and needing rest. I can't tell him Shourya tried to kiss me and backed away after realising I'm not into him. Agastya might just swerve the car around and punch him in the face. Patient or not.

After an hour long drive, the car stops in the porch of Rajawat Palace. "Thank you," I go to unbuckle myself when Agastya places his hand on the back of my palm. My eyes meet his worried ones.

"This is taking a toll on you. Should I talk to Yuvraaj Bhai? Whatever condition Shourya is in has nothing to do with you. Why are you suffering the brunt of it?"

"Because it's necessary," I cup his cheek. "This wasn't our fight until Dad was murdered unfairly. The one time he dared to be brave, this world proved why he never tried before. He deserves justice. Those- those kids deserve justice. We deserve justice." I tell him. "So, if this is the price I've to pay, I don't mind. As long as those criminals are punished in the end, I'm ready to suffer. Don't worry about me."

He sighs in defeat. "Alright, but if it gets tough, speak up. Okay?"

I nod.

He leans in and kisses my forehead. "Go and get some rest."

"You too," I pat his cheek before unfastening the seatbelt. "Did you come to a decision yet?" I raise a brow at him.

He retracts to sit straight, his posture sharp, stiff, and uncomfortable.

"What's wrong?" Trepidation fills my voice.

"My - my coach called me. He said the position of assistant coach is empty. And if I'm interested, I can come and work with him."

I gasp, a smile wins me over. "That's awesome! Then what's the problem?"

"I don't know what my problem is. I don't have a degree, and I'm ashamed about it because I definitely want one. I also want to take up this job. But I know it's not going to be enough to cover my expenses, not even half of them. Going back to the field scares the shit out of me. And I don't -"

"You want to take up law?"

He looks at me, indecisiveness in his eyes. "I want to do something big."

"As in?"

"As in start my own sports centre that caters to sports that aren't as big as cricket and football. The condition of baseball players in India is shit, Tara. If it's not cricket, nobody gives a fuck. I had resources, but what about those countless, infinite Indian kids who never pursue their dreams of becoming a baseball player because our country could care less about a sport that's not cricket or played at an Olympic level?"

"And you don't have enough money to turn your dream into a reality?"

He nods.

"Well, realistically speaking, becoming an assistant coach is not going to be enough. And I know you're never going to ask Yuvraaj Bhai for money." He hums. "Then take up law." His eyes find mine again. "Your dream is farther than you can imagine, and unless you earn six figures a month, you're never going to fulfill it. You're smart. You've what it takes to become a lawyer. And you've the means, the platform to make it big. Chauhan Group."

He nibbles on his lower lip.

"Go for it." I punch him on the arm. "Make your dream true." I smile.

He nods slowly. "You're right."

"I'm always right." I shrug.

"Alright, get out of my car now."

I gasp, offended. "Is that what you say to your sister who just gave you life changing advice?"

"You're so cocky. Get the fuck out of my car!" He shoves me on the shoulder.

I snort, opening the door and stepping out. "Asshole!"

"Bitch!" He says before driving off.

I turn around and make my way inside the palace, nodding at the butler who stops to greet me. My feet take me to the third floor, and to our bedroom, before I open the door. My heart flutters at the sight of him working at the desk.

Should I tell him about the almost kiss?

But then he'll get worked up needlessly. No. He should know. It's his right.

"Rudra-"

"Close the door first." He glances at me.

"Oh, right, sorry." I quickly close the door.

Dropping my purse and backpack on the couch, I move behind his chair and place my hands on his shoulders. "When did you return from the office?" I ask softly, working on the knots in his shoulders. He's always so tense.

"An hour ago." He answers.

"So, uhm," I start, reluctance lacing my tone. "How was your day?"

"Fine. What about you? Had your date?" His tone gets bitter in the end.

My heart almost leaps out of my chest. God, if he's so mad about the nonexistent date, what will he do if I tell him his half brother almost kissed me?

"It was no date. And you can't complain. You sent Agastya to make sure no date happens."

"You sound disappointed."

I release a strangled breath. "I'm not looking to argue with you, Rudra." I wrap my arms around his neck and rest my cheek on the top of his head. "I missed you."

His body finally relaxes. "I'm sorry, I missed you too." He pulls me around the chair and on his lap. I pull my knees up and tuck them to my chest, lying in his embrace with his arms around my frame.

"Rudra,"

He hums.

"Why Rudra?"

He shrugs. "I don't know. Your brother named me."

I smile. "And why Rudra Rana Singh Rawal? Did you intentionally choose a longer name? Trying to beat Shourya Singh Rajawat?" I pull away teasingly.

He chuckles, running his thumb over my jawline before pulling me in for a deep, heady kiss. "No," he says upon leaving me free to breath. "I didn't randomly choose the name. My mother's parents adopted me and gave me their surname."

I almost slipped off his lap in shock. "What? You- you have a family?"

He grows uncomfortable. "They're not my family."

"They adopted you. Gave you their name. Only families do that. Where are they?"

"Ratangarh." He answers.

"They're alive?"

He nods. "I went there once. Yuvraaj took me. I was fifteen. We had to sign the legal papers. They live in the heart of the city. In Rawal Haveli."

I sat stunned for a moment. "How were they?"

He shrugs. "Good people. Though I never went back again."

"Why?"

"Why would I?"

"If they're not bad people, why didn't you? Why weren't they at our wedding?"

"They hate Rajawats."

"But not you, right?"

"I'd like to think so." He nods.

"We should go there." I sit straight. "I want to go there. I want to meet them. Is that possible? Please." I fist his shirt in my hand.

"Tara, it'll be awkward -"

"Why? I want to meet my husband's real family. I want to meet my real in-laws."

"They're not my family."

"That's what you think. What if they don't think the same? What if they think of you as their own? Please, Rudra, let's go meet them."

He looks unconvinced, and I know the no is on the tip of his tongue, but I can also see the flicker of hope that burns in his eyes, the possibility of having a family, the possibility of being accepted as who he is.

"No?" I ask unsurely.

"Yes," he agrees.

I shriek and throw my arms around his neck. "Thank you!" I smack our lips together for a long smooch. "Tomorrow?" I ask him.

He nods defeatedly. "Tomorrow."

What do you think the Rawals will be like?

Excited to know?

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