11. Matter

Chapter Soundtrack:

NF Paralyzed

Thank you RosieToovey for the music!

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Nova

The steam was so thick I could almost touch it.. Clouding my vision as the spray of hot water rained down, droplets forming on the etched glass shower door. With my cheek pressed against the glass, I drew a sad face on the fogged glass with my fingertip before wiping it away.

How my soul feels

I let the water get extra hot in order to wash away my guilt, scrubbing harshly until my skin turned red. Love bites and scratches made by his sharp fangs ran down my torso reminding me of our moment together..

I'll be reminded of it every time i take my clothes off until it fades..

Even then, I'll be reminded every time I see his strong arms, remembering that they held me so delicately.. Muscles rippling and veins trembling.

I sank down to the shower floor, snaking my arms around my knees as I held myself together, hot water raining down on my skin, scalding it in its wake...

Im paralyzed.

I felt so numb again.. My stomach was a giant knot once more.. Nausea my only friend. I would be breaking the promise I made to him. I just can't eat.. The thought of eating makes me want to throw up.

Sighing, a trembling hand reached up to cut off the water. Pushing myself up, I wobbled slightly, my system going too long without nutrients had my mind fuzzy.. Dizzy.. My body tingled, feeling like I would pass out at any moment.

I needed to get myself together...

Looking down at my gaunt form, my stomach concave and ribs sticking out of my skin. Even my breasts were smaller. I'm wasting away...

How does he think I'm still attractive?

~~~~

After I managed to get myself out and dry, I attempted to dress, trying my best not to pass out. Every miniscule task was leaving me exhausted from exertion, no energy in my body available to the working muscles which were eating away at themselves.

I slid on a pair of cut off jean shorts and a red fitted tee, leaving my hair long to dry on its own in loops. Slipping on some converse, I headed out my room and made the journey to my parents house.. Needing to find my brother and console him. He needed me now.

I might be younger than he but we are family and I can relate to what he's going through now.

Mates are special... Every wolf is taught that from a young age.. Accept maybe for Grace. She was another story.. But you wait your entire life for your mate.. You won't be truly happy if you don't find them and claim them.. And you claim them quickly. Most wolves claim them immediately..

I trudged down the dirt road a little further, my hair drying in the hot sun and warm breeze. The familiar turquoise door and willow tree I climbed as a pup brought back sweet memories as I entered the front door, thinking about a happier time.

"Mom? Dad? Nic?" I glanced around from room to room. I couldn't smell my parents but Nic was here somewhere.

I took the stairs two at a time before I came to his closed bedroom door. I stood there for a moment before knocking softly as I pushed a lock of chestnut hair behind my ear.

"Nic? Its me. Open up." I kept my voice low.

I could hear some shuffling around before the door swung open. Red puffy eyes met mine.. Dark circles surrounded those Forrest green orbs. Sorrow was what I smelled from him, my wolf wanted to come out and comfort her big brother.

"Nova. Where have you been? What happened to you?" He held the door open for me to come in. I kept my eyes to the beige carpet as I entered his room and sat on his bed. The sheets were all tangled as if he had been rolling around in them instead of sleeping. The smell of salt lingered on his pillow making my heart lurch..

"I'm so sorry Nic. I fainted when you said Grace was your mate last night and I guess someone took me to bed. I just woke up about an hour ago and got a shower to come find you." I didn't lie..

Someone did take me to bed... That bed just so happen to be in a tent and that someone just so happened to be Zaryn..

He sighed, closing the door. "Its fine. I was worried about you. How are you doing ?" Those sad eyes had me wanting to break Down with him but I held on.. He might have had enough breaking by now. He shouldn't worry about me though.. He was in dire straights as well.

My mouth fell open and I glanced up at him with wide eyes. "Me? I'm the last person you need to worry about Nic.. How are you doing? This is a disaster! And you look like shit!" My wolf whined in the back of my head, pawing at the ground wanting to come out. I shook my head, backing her off.

He threw a shirt over his muscular torso and flopped back on the bed beside me. "Yeah. Tell me about it. It seems like Zaryn keeps ruining everything for both of us."

I couldn't help but to scoff, looking straight at him. "Nic can't you see it's Grace? He couldn't smell her heat and now she's pregnant and then we find out you are her mate which means she probably isn't even an alpha blood! There's something strange going on here Nic.. And I think we need to talk to Alpha Blake about it."

He shook his head, huffing out a puff of air with a sarcastic smirk. "I don't know Nova. Do you honestly believe he didn't smell her heat? That sounds like complete shit. He smelled it alright then took what he wanted. I've sensed a females heat before. Its something you can't control, the wolf takes over. He probably wanted to make you feel better."

This made me frown. I know what I saw in his eyes when he told me, and that's the fact he was telling the truth.

"But yeah it is completely strange how she's supposed to be my mate but I'm not an alpha. I don't know Nova. I'm not sure what to do about this. My wolf is trying to jump out of my skin as it is.. She wouldn't even talk to me last night. I tried to talk to her but she just ran off crying." His eyes closed as he shook his head sadly. I felt pain for my brother.. I know it can't be easy for him especially just finding his mate in a situation like this..

I put my arm around his shoulder and leaned into him. "Its going to be okay Nic. You deserve someone better anyways. Grace is not a very worthy female.."

"You deserve someone better too." He glanced at me.

Pursing my lips, I nodded. I wasn't sure what was going to happen but I knew I couldn't sit around waiting on Zaryn. He may or may not have a family and time spent with him will only make it harder. I need to control my wolf better...

Nic laid down, taking me with him as we lay side by side curled into each other. Together we mourned the loss of our mates. His grief and pain mixed with mine, making the stale air smell foul with sorrow.. We just lie there soaking in our own miserable feelings. Together.

Turning my head to see the profile of his face, "Nic. You need to go see Alpha Blake."

His head turned, green eyes meeting my own. "Oh I plan to. Just not yet. I need to wait until I'm feeling a little more stable before I venture off to that checklist." His eyes floated up to the ceiling, a far off look in them.

We just lay there in silence, holding hands as the sun crept overhead, filling the room with warmth from the inside out, not saying a word. Like nothing mattered.

After about an hour, my stomach started to growl so Nic kicked me out and told me to go eat and enjoy the day... That he needed time alone. He was glad I came by though. I decided to skip pack lunch since Alpha Blake, Zaryn and Deacon would be there. instead, I raided my parents fridge.

I settled on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, forcing myself to eat. Zaryn had been right..my body was withering away. He was still attracted to me but I needed to put more meat on myself. I've lost nearly 25 pounds and I never needed to.

Just as I finished the sandwich, the front door opened. Mom stood there staring at me with a blank expression. I could taste fear, guilt, and sorrow from her.

"Mom? What's wrong ?" My brows knitted together as I approached her. Closing the door, she put on a fake smile and pulled me into her arms with a shaky sigh.

"Its nothing baby girl. I'm just .. So worked up about what's happening to you and Nic. Your father has been in a terrible mood and I don't think he will last too much longer before he snaps. He is pushing Alpha Blake to make his son do the right thing but what your father doesn't understand, is that he is." She smiled sadly before releasing me as she rubbed her eyes with a yawn.

Mom must have been up all night with dad, Alpha Blake and Luna Penelope.. Figuring out what to do about her pups' situation.

"Mom go get some sleep. I was just leaving. I doubt Nic wants to be bothered but you can check on him. I love you." I kissed her cheek before walking out the door. She seemed so sad.. It felt as though her heart was breaking along with ours. But she shouldn't feel guilty. That's one thing she should never feel.

Kicking up dirt and watching it spread through beams of light, I meandered down the dirt road, coming into the field of grass by the pack house. I couldn't think of anything to do.. I didn't have any friends.. Except Deacon.. Who I couldn't even see publicly because of the ban by Alpha Blake. It was beginning to make me mad... Not that I wasn't mad already.

I knew where Deacon would go though..

Our spot.

A smile crossed my lips and I picked up the pace, heading for the other side of the woods and up to the cliffs. I knew he would be there. I knew no one else would ever go there...

Except Zaryn...

We had to be careful not to get caught. I didn't so much mind Zaryn knowing I was seeing my best friend but I didn't want another fight.. And Alpha Blake would have to punish me for going against his direct order ..

The turmoil in my gut was coming to a slow halt as my stomach digested the nutrients I gave it.. A smile spread slowly on my face as I smelled Deacon's scent coming closer up the side of the cliffs in the forrest.

So close.

My wolf was yipping at me in my head as I ran full speed up to the stream at the top, smelling Deacon fully now. He was here.

"Deacon?" I was out of breath from the run, panting with hands on my knees as my weak body tried to regain composure.

"Nova" his voice echoed from behind me and I whipped around to see him standing there with a tight smile on his face. His eyes were soft though.

Without another thought, I ran, leaping into his arms. When I felt his arms finally surround me, I couldn't control my pent up emotions and the dam burst.

I sobbed into his shoulder but he just soothed me with his words as a hand slowly rubbed my back , comforting me.

"Hey hey. Don't cry. What's the matter Nova?" His warm breath spread over my neck. I pulled back, wiping my eyes. Shaking my head, I look at the ground between us as a tight smile made its way to my lips.

"I'm just.. I just.. I just font know anymore Deacon. Everything is so messed up and I hate not being able to see you.." My voice broke at the end.

He let out a huff of breath as my eyes found his baby blue ones. "Me too. I think its shit that my dad is doing what Zaryn wants.. Its not fair to me or you. He's the unpredictable one .. He should be locked away, not you. Actually he should be punished for this crime he's committed against you." His eyes hardened.

Zaryn would have been punished if it was with another she wolf from our pack. Each pack has different laws but as a whole, wolves had laws to abide by that were set for everyone. The crime he committed, mating with another female, wasn't tolerated in our pack but it wasn't such a big deal in others. Those packs are ran with poison.

"Nova.. I probably shouldn't be here.. I know its wrong of me to seek you out but I needed to see you. I don't want you to get in trouble though. I probably need to go.."

He made to walk away but I grabbed his arm, halting him.

"Wait. When I spoke with your dad.. He said as long as I didn't get caught seeing you that it was fine. But if I got caught I would have to face the consequences.. We're fine here."

Just saying that made my blood boil.. My wolf bristled slightly at my anger.

To think my wolf let our mate touch us when he's done this .. Gotten my best friend banned from seeing me.. All I felt right now is anger at him.. I pray he doesn't come near me again.. But at the same time, I can't help but to think about this morning.

Deacon gave me a grin. "Let's talk then.. Shall we?" He turned away, walking through streams of sunlight toward the waters edge to sit down on our favorite rock. Flat and smooth, large enough for four people. it held the chilled earth inside of its stone, cooling our legs as we sat by the trickling stream.

"Have you eaten today? You're wasting away.." His eyes trailed over my legs with a frown.

Rolling my eyes, I nodded. "Yes dad. Peanut butter and jelly. Did you hear about what happened last night at the party?" I glanced at him, his lips in a thin line.

"Yeah. I did. Grace is your brothers mate.. I feel bad for him Nova. That female is poison. I can feel it. Something about her isn't right. How can she be mated to your brother when she is supposed to be the alpha's daughter? That isn't supposed to happen. Unless the moon has a special plan for her..." He trailed off thinking.

I let my fingers sink in the clovers behind me as I leaned back on my elbows, feeling the sun stream through the small spaces of the trees' canopy onto my face, warming me.

"I feel the same way D. I don't know what's going on but.. Something isn't right. Poor Nic is crushed. I told him he should talk to your dad, bring some of these things up."

He turned to face me. "I already have. He's working on it.. He cant really point fingers because of a mate bond, the moon may very well be involved because of her choices.. We don't know." He stared at me a moment, taking in my scent.

"Where were you last night Nova?" Eyes assessing me for lies.. I couldn't lie.

I closed my eyes, letting out a breath. "I passed out last night after everything happened. When I woke up it was already morning so I took a shower and went to see my brother. I don't know what happened the rest of the night aside from what Nic said. He said he tried to talk to Grace but she ran away from him crying." I prayed he didn't ask anything else... I let my eyes slowly open, gazing down my legs at the clear water as I let my feet splash around in the stream. He was quiet.

"Yeah. I came to the party right as everyone was being broken up by my dad. They went back to the celebration and Grace ran off, Nic behind her. She turned toward him and he said something .. She said something.. Then she ran away. I'm not sure what's going to happen but I don't like what's going on.."

I didn't say anything else. He laid back in the grass beside me, taking my hand and we just were.

We just let the tranquil sound of the stream and the rushing sounds from the water fall soothe our souls. I knew he was hurting.. In pain over not being able to see me. I was too. But his pain seemed more..

"Nova" he spoke after an hour of just lying there.

"Yeah?" I kept my eyes closed, afraid my eyes would give too much emotion away.

"Do you want Zaryn?"

I had to think about this.. Did I want him?

"Under normal circumstances, yes. I do. Now? I'm not so sure. My wolf wants him but I, I can't live with that pain. I can't get to know him better because its just more painful in the end.. If I just know him as the annoying older brother I've always known him to be, its not so bad. As just my mate I've never gotten to know. This is hard Deacon. These emotions... They are running inside me at full speed.. The attraction around him is so much. I just can't be around him.. I'm afraid my wolf will take over and I won't be able to stop her." I spoke truthfully.

His hand squeezed mine as he sat up. I followed his lead, sitting up and pulling my legs under me, looking into his pained expression.

"I'm sorry Nova. I know its hard for you. Just know I'm always here for you. Always. No matter what. You can tell me anything. OK?" He stared pointedly into my eyes, gazing into my soul. I swallowed at the intensity. Did he know something?

I nodded. "I know. Thanks D."

"Nova.. You know if you wanted to get out of here for a while, we could go visit my uncles pack .. Together.. It would be good to be away from everything..." He seemed hopeful.

I gave him a tight sad smile. "I can't. I need to be here for Nic. He's in just as much pain.. "

"He could come too.."

A smile crept up on my face. "I'll think about it.. I'll run it by him and see what he thinks. Thanks Deacon."

I didn't really want to go because I wanted to see how the moon let this play out.. See if Zaryn really did have any emotions for Grace.. Find out why she is mated to my brother..

With a sigh, Deacon got up, brushing himself off. "Well. I have to go train. I'll see you later?"

I nod my head, giving him a closed mouth smile. "Yeah. See you later."

Thirty minutes passed quickly as I just sat behind the shade of the trees, my feet in the cool water , staring down across the lake to the pack house. It was busy with wolves by the lake, parents chasing their pups around, females laying out in the sun, catching a tan in their bikinis.. While I sat here, hiding from the world, delving in my sorrows. The moment Deacon left was the moment my slightly calm interior broke and the wall of comfort shattered, leaving me with frayed nerve endings surging through my body. Those shards of my broken heart that were once still, were now moving slowly in my body, wanting to break free.

I was confused.. Hurt.. Heart broken.. My wolf whimpered inside me, wanting me to set her free but I refused. Its unsafe for her to come out while I'm feeling like this. The last thing I need is for her to seek out Grace, ripping her throat out then search for Zaryn and mark him...

I knew where Zaryn was coming from not wanting me around Deacon because of his unstable wolf.. But having me suffer twice made the hatred for him seep through my veins. The wolf didn't like these feelings coming from me..

I felt like I just didn't matter to anyone. .

The sky was turning a deep pink with orange hues as the sun began setting on the horizon, above the trees the sky was dark blue with streaks of purple connecting the warm and cool hues. I could see a few stars begin to glitter in the darkened sky, the moon looming through the trees, peeking down at me. I wonder if she is sensing my pain.. Perhaps working in my favor..

The breeze picked up and I smelled that familiar scent that caused me to unleash myself this very morning. The sunset's blinding rays had me shielding my eyes as i leaned my head up to sniff. A crunch behind me had me turning around so quickly to see a pair of bright blue eyes watching me.. Staring.

"Zaryn? What are you doing here?" I began to panic, remembering I had Deacons scent on me. His wolf won't like that too much.

Zaryn came closer, away from the deep shadows of the wooded forrest, his jaw clenched, nostrils flaring as he smelled the air.

"You smell like him." It was gritted out through clenched teeth followed by a rumble of his chest.

I huffed, rolling my eyes as he came closer , sitting down beside me with a hardened gaze. I took in his scent of fresh cedar with a hint of vanilla. There was another layer on top of his.. One that smelled like earth and cinnamon..

a low growl came out of my chest, the wolf surfacing to see out of my eyes as I saw out of hers.

"You smell like her."

We glared at each other for a few moments of uncomfortable silence, our wolves ascending only to descend as we reigned them in.

This would be a battle that I wasn't trying to win. Our furs vs. Our skin.

Grace's scent on his skin lingered, my canines erupting from my gums.

She was going to take over and make him hers...