5. Heart❤

Chapter Soundtrack:

Birdy - Not About Angels

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Nova

My eyes closed as a sudden breeze enveloped my body, serenity all around me in the calms of nature.

I pictured his face in my mind, the perfection of every detail, every angle. He was someone I've always felt drawn to, even as pups.

The agonizing conversation Zaryn and I had moments ago left me reeling, questions in my mind flowing rampantly. Feeling so helpless when it came to my own destiny was more than I could bear. With that in mind, I decided it was time for my second shift ever.

My wolf was pacing in the back of my mind, wanting to release her aggression. Seeing Grace and hearing the foul words spout from her lips didn't sit well with my wolf. All she could think about was chasing after the pregnant she-wolf and taking something away from her, just like she did to us, but I wouldn't let her. It was hard, but I managed to keep my wolf reigned in, letting her know I was going to let her out to play.

Zaryn's words had left hope inside me.

I won't mark her..

Words that would make any female smile, but I shouldn't even be in this predicament in the first place. I should be the one with his mark already.

Yes, there was hope, but the aching inside my heart was slowly being replaced by anger. Anger at him for wanting me to wait, his unspoken implication - to watch that female's belly grow while I wait. The wolf in me wanted him because he is ours. She would wait, but she would also have taken out the competition. The human in me, that part was angry that  Zaryn would even insinuate that I just watch and see how things go, wait for him. I won't let my wolf out to take Grace down, but I will not be a back-up plan either.

I know he couldn't help what had happened between them but I still felt angry.

Anger for that she wolf who trapped my male unknowingly.

I couldn't be this sad female, showing my broken heart to everyone, hiding my face behind a curtain of chestnut hair when I had nothing to be ashamed of.

It wasn't my shame.

It was his.

It was hers.

I couldn't hide anymore. I had to face my family and friends eventually.

My parents came to my room religiously in the two weeks I had locked myself away. They knew I was inside, but I couldn't bring myself to face them. I didn't want their pity.

My father, the Alpha's Beta, Alpha's right hand wolf, he was respected by the pack and now instead of a time to rejoice, he was shamed by the Alpha's son's indiscretions against his own mate - my dad's only daughter. I didn't want to see the sadness in my parent's eyes. I didn't want to see disappointment or pity either.

I remember just holding a pillow over my face, quieting my sobs as my parent's voices tried coaxing me out of the room. They eventually gave up, knowing I wanted to be alone. I haven't seen anyone in these past two weeks.

Other than Deacon.

And now Zaryn.

I needed to get ahold of the reckoning heartache I felt, mend my shattered soul back together with this new found contempt I held for this intruding she-wolf and her family. My mate didn't shun me. He wanted me. He was being forced to do the right thing. But it is his pup, of course he would want to be in that pups life. The pup would be half him, half of his Alpha blood - and half of her Alpha blood; A strong bloodline.

A wolf has strong instincts when it comes to their young pups. I couldn't blame Zaryn for this anymore because he's an expecting Alpha parent. He wouldn't just give up a pup.

I could blame him for wanting me either. I'm his mate. I couldn't blame him entirely for anything because he never knew I was his and he never sensed Grace's heat. There were far more factors playing in this than I had originally thought. I can't just blame everyone..

But I could blame her for a lot.

She ruined any chance of my happiness. I won't stand by waiting to see if she miscarries or not. I won't be that desperate scorned female. I couldn't stand by and watch him have a pup with another female, waiting in the wings for him. I just won't do that.

But my soul wants his.. Desperately.

My mind and my soul are at war with one another on this and my wolf was on a whole other level.

I can't think about this anymore, I just can't. It will destroy me more than I already am. I'm too young to go through this kind of soul shattering heartbreak. The one I'm made for, being forced to father a pup he never meant to create. But he did help create it and now it's his responsibility.

Being angry would be my only saving grace.

It would save my heart from shriveling and my soul from crumbling.

I don't want to feel So fragile, so breakable; hiding from the eyes of curious wolves.

This wasn't my fault. I'm an innocent bystander in all of this.

Watching the sunlight sway through the trees, bouncing off the water as it cascaded over each stone jutting from the surface, I felt the tears dry on my cheeks from the cool breeze. There would be no more crying.

Not today.

I stood, sliding my dress off my shoulders so that it pooled around my feet. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes, standing bare in the secluded clearing of my secret meadow at the cliffs as I concentrated on my energy. Focusing.

A strong current rolled through my mind. It was my wolf surfacing , ready to take over. A piercing cry ripped through my throat as the snapping and shifting of bones slowly began to give way to the wolf's body as she came barrelling through - a happy image of her in my mind with her tongue lolling out to the side. She was happy to be let out of the cage.

It's always painful to shift for a while until you become used to the feeling of your bones breaking and realigning into another shape. A handful more shifts and it wouldn't phase me at all.

After a few moments of agonizing pain, I was lying on the grass, white fur in my view. My wolf surged forward, throwing me to the back. But I stayed grounded, being in the forefront of our mind. I couldn't let her be too free or she could do something bad.

Shaking her head from side to side, white fur with gray markings came into view and she purred to herself. She liked the way she looked, she thought she was beautiful and I would have to agree.

Everything was so clear; The sun so bright, the grass so green. Every smell overcame our senses.  The scent of flowers enveloped the air. The rushing water from the creek rippled along stones before falling down the cliff into the lake below, making a continuous splash. The low hum of bees and the chirping of birds;  Everything was so much more now.

Standing on shaky legs, she balanced herself. Our energy came back quickly and she padded forward as she prowled around the creek, sniffing and rubbing her fur along the trees, scenting our hideaway. I was enjoying this time as one with my wolf. She deserved this. We deserved this.

Sniffing along the ground, she smelled our mate's scent on the spot he had rested just by the creek bed. It was a scent that had her eyes rolling back in her head and her mouth opening in a wide grin. She was unbelievable.

A low purr erupted from her chest, followed by a whine and a whimper. Her pain over what we are having to deal with concerning our mate is too much for us. Especially for her.

She felt the pain like I did but her instincts are more animalistic. She wanted to take out the competition and claim her mate. The thoughts of Grace crossing my mind caused a low growl to protrude from my wolf. I needed to stay present in our mind in case she decided to do just that. That action wouldn't be easily forgiven. Understood, but not forgiven.

Most newly shifted wolves don't have complete control over their wolves because they haven't learned to become one with them in their minds yet. My first shift, I spent hours in wolf form, concentrating on staying in charge, getting to know my other half. Now I could easily stay in command of her animal instincts, guiding her. She did what she wanted but only if I allowed it. The moment she wanted to do something that I didn't approve of, I could take control, forcing myself to reign her in. She didn't like it, but that was how it went.

Being a shifting wolf is like having another person in your mind. Your mind is split in two - the wolf side and the human side. Being in human form, your wolf is at the back of your mind. They see what's going on through your eyes and they express their wants, their instincts. You feel them but your human side stays in control. When you're in wolf form, you are allowing the wolf to take over. They do what they want. They are in charge in their form, but the human side can control their actions if they want to do something that wouldn't be deemed as appropriate. It's like a mind surge, the human side overpowering the wolf, commanding it to do as the human side wants. Unless the wolf side feels a strong emotion.

A familiar scent was picked up by the wind, sending it our way. She felt the urge to locate the scent trail. Nose to the ground, ears perked, she carefully stalked through the clearing and into the forest; the calming sounds of rushing water diminished with every step.

As the scent became more abrupt, she stopped, sitting on her haunches, waiting for him to make an appearance. She let out a playful bark, her front paws digging into the earth as she hunched low to the ground ready to pounce, keeping her eyes open for any sign of Deacon.

A chuff came from behind a mass of shrubbery but before she could do a thing, a large grey and white wolf leaped through the brush, pouncing on her, causing her to fall on her back. The wolf began playfully nipping at her.

She rolled playfully, my wolf's hind legs kicking him off her, sending him backwards before it was our turn to pounce.

Mine and Deacons wolves got along well. She sees him as her family, as that is what he is to me.

Family.

After an hour of chasing each other around, wrestling and hunting rabbits with no luck, his wolf bumped its head into my belly, signaling playtime was over. He was tired. We both were panting, ready for a drink.

We padded over to the stream, lying on our bellies as we lapped up the cool spring water that flowed from the riveted earth, enjoying our time with our wolves. I stayed in control of my wolf's mind just in case-

In case she caught a whiff of Grace and decided it was time to show her what it means to encroach on our territory. She wouldn't think twice about ripping out the pup growing in her womb. A feeling that strong will have a wolf ascending completely, blocking out their host's intrusion. My wolf lived off instinct, wanting what was rightfully ours. Thoughts of eliminating the threat weren't out of the ordinary for any wolf.

Deacon's wolf and mine lay side by side, licking each others faces in a friendly, loving gesture before going belly up in the sunshine. We were enjoying the warmth that caressed our bodies.

After a while of relaxing in our wolf forms, we shifted back to skin. Shifting back to human from wolf is a little less painful than shifting to wolf, so I didn't let out any screams this time.

Wolves don't notice one another when they are naked, bare from any coverings because it is something we are used to..only your mate would react and Deacon wasn't that..

We dressed, slipping on our shoes as well before he took my hand, guiding me back down the hill top of the Forrest towards the pack house.

His soft voice filled the air, the only other noise being the Forrest floor crunching under our steps.

"I heard you had a talk with Zaryn..... That he came to see you?"

I only nodded in response.

He flashed me a look that said 'continue'.

Signing in irritation, I relented. He'd never stop. "He told me he wouldn't mark her."

"What?" He was surprised. Didn't he know this?

Nodding as we kept on our path. "He told me how it happened... How she didn't know her heat was coming and he couldn't sense it. He couldn't resist, being an unmated wolf... And this is the result....... She over heard him saying he wouldn't mark her and would leave that option open for me no matter the outcome of the pregnancy." I felt the familiar constricting of my heart, our play time long forgotten. The contempt I felt for that female was beyond anything I could imagine..

His hand squeezed mine softly, flesh molding to flesh in a friendly manner. "Oh Nova... I'm so sorry.... Are you gonna.. Wait for him?" He was very curious.

I shrugged. "I can't... I can't put myself through that.. Waiting like a desperate mate ... In hopes she miscarries .. He said himself that the first ten years he would raise his pup with her still around.. Taking up residence here so he could be near his pup. Once he would be 10, he would allow the pup to go with Grace back to her pack to begin training since that's their way.. The pup coming to spend summers here with him.. How could I live like that? Its a constant internal battle Deacon. Everything in my wolf says to mark him.. But I won't allow her. Everything in him wants to mark me but I won't allow it.. Not while this mess is going on. I just don't know what to do anymore." I kept my eyes to the ground. The broken pieces of my heart shaking inside me.. Wanting to feel our mates touch to soothe us... My wolf wanted her mate no matter the consequences but I was on a different page. I don't act on instinct. She does.

The slight anger towards the she wolf was the only thing keeping me from falling apart... This was her fault..

"I'm sorry Nova but I don't think my brother is worthy of you. He can't ask you to wait.. Watching .. Hoping something happens because If it doesn't, you'll only think about that. The resentment of not being his first pup's mother would eat at your wolf... " he was right. The wolf side would never forget that.. And neither would I. She would look at that pup as a menace..

Shaking me head, I kept the battle between my heart and my head at a minimum..

I am not going to think about the what ifs... I need to live in the now.

As we made our way out of the clearing toward the pack house, I felt a warming sensation over my entire form. Finding his eyes instantly, Zaryn was near the lake with a crying Grace. He seemed agitated with her but once his eyes found mine, they softened. My heart sped up as we couldn't take our eyes off each other..

That is, until he noticed Deacon's hand still intertwined with mine.. His face contorted to one of fury as he stood, back straight, hands closing into tight fists at his side.

"Deacon let go." I whispered.

Deacon frowned at me before looking up, seeing his brother .. Glaring at him as his nostrils flared, veins popping out of his flawless tan flesh. Anger radiated from him and a growl could be heard yards away from where he stood.

i let go of Deacon, walking toward the pack house. Alone. He stood there, glaring at Zaryn with just as much intensity... Two brothers.. Fighting with each other over me. Deacon trying to protect me and Zaryn being insanely territorial...

I managed a peek at Grace who looked on at Zaryn with narrowed eyes before I looked away, not wanting to imagine her with my mate...

Walking inside, I decided to let it go. This wasn't my fight. I felt awful coming between two brothers but they both felt a sense of belonging towards me just in different ways. They needed to hash this out .. The two of them alone.

You don't come between two male wolves with something to prove..

Regardless of age.

Before the door even could close all the way, I was brought out of my thoughts by the sound of crackling and shifting, followed by feral growls.. The ones that come from fighting wolves. ...

They were going to tear each other apart.

Turning, I bolted back outside into the sunlight, the sight before me sending me into a panic...

I screamed.