Chapter 1- Her

⚠️ Please be noticed that there are some words that's not good for kids. If you're uncomfortable you can just skip. Thank you

Rhainne Jhammira Alethea Lopez

Tinignan ko ang oras sa clock,  it's just 7:00 am. Who the fuck is knocking on my bedroom door?

These people. They know how much I value my peace and quiet, yet here they are, relentlessly disturbing my sleep. It's as if they take pleasure in ruining the calm I desperately crave.

"What do you want?" galit kong tanong ko dito. Shock and being afraid was obvious on her face as I looked at her with lifeless eyes of mine.

"Good morning young lady, M-Master A wants to talk to you and have a b-breakfast with you" She stammered her response, then lowered her gaze, her fingers nervously twisting together—whether out of fear or respect, I couldn’t quite tell. I mean, who wouldn’t be nervous around me?

I've been with him for so long-since I was a child, barely seven years old. If you're wondering where my parents are, they're in the Philippines, living their life to the fullest, far from me. And here I am, stuck in this strange place, suspended between worlds, trying to figure out what's left of mine.

Sometimes, I don't even know if I'm suffering or not. It's like my heart has become a hollow space, numb to everything around me. I look back at my parents, at the life they've chosen, and I don't know how to feel about them. I can't tell if I'm angry, hurt, or just... indifferent. I can't remember what it felt like to be loved by them, to be cared for in the way children should be.

And yet, I'm still here. With him. The man who's been part of my life for as long as I can remember. I've forgotten how to want, how to miss, how to hope. Every day feels like it's just dragging me further into a place I don't want to be. And I don't know if it's pain or just an emptiness that consumes me now.

Hoping that some day my life would be worth it to live. After all, this is the life that I chose to live—to live in misery of it all. Blinded by misery and pain

"Tell him that I'll go down, I'll just do my routine"  sagot ko rito kaya naman agad itong tumango at nakayukong umalis sa harap ko.

I smirked as I slowly lost sight of her before closing the door of my room.

Lolo, there are only a few people I trust-well, add to that is my friends. They're the only ones who've earned my trust. But it's not like I'm scared to trust people, or maybe I am. My senses, they tell me to be wary, to hold back. And I can't ignore that feeling. It's like a constant whisper, urging me to keep my guard up, to keep everyone at arm's length. But then, sometimes I wonder, what if I'm just pushing away people who could truly mean something?

I want to trust, to believe that people are capable of kindness and love— pero paano ko magagawang maniwala kung ako mismo hindi magawa iyon. What happens if I let someone in and they hurt me again? What happens if I trust and get betrayed once more? The thought haunts me, and yet, there's a part of me that wishes for the courage to find out—to let them ruined me once more. To crash me like a shattered glass—pero paano nila mababasag ang basong dati ng basag?

Then, every time I look at myself, all I see is a person trapped in a cycle of fear, pain, anger, hatred and bitterness. A person whose life is tainted with hatred—not just for others, but for herself.

A hatred she can't seem to escape. It's like her heart is broken, but she don't know if it will ever heal. She always wonder if one day, that hatred will turn into something else-into love, maybe. Or if she's destined to live in this never-ending struggle, too afraid to trust and too scared to let go.

Pagkatapos kong mag-ayos ay agad akong bumaba. Pagdating ko sa living room nandoon siya kasama ang isang lalaking naka suot ng tuxedo at tila kasing edad rin ito ni Lolo dahil sa itsura nitong may maputi ng buhok

I look around to see if there are other people and there's none of them. I looked at them as I gave them a questioning look but then this old man just gave me a smirk

What wrong with him? Did he just disturb me for this?

Papalapit na sana ako kay lolo ng biglang .....Shit! May kutsilyong papalapit sakin. What the fuck is wrong with them?

Agad ko naman itong iniwasan pero may isa pa palang dadating. Shit! Well hindi na bago sakin to but sometimes I can't take this routine. Iniwasan ko na lang ang mga kutsilyong binato nila.

The audacity of those two old men, treating me like I'm some sort of knife-proof shield. They didn't even consider that if I didn't dodge those blades, I'd be nothing more than dead meat.

"Nice one apo" Lolo said and smirked at me once again, I rolled my eyes on them

Easy peasy, but hell I just woke up.

Masyadong mapapaaga ang punta ko sa impyerno if I couldn't avoid it on time. Sometimes I wanna punch this old man on his face but then again I remember that he's my grandfather.

Kung hindi lang talaga siguro matagal na rin siyang nasa impyerno.

"I'm hungry, is that what you're supposed to say?" I coldly said to him and make his smirked more.

I wanna rip his face for that

"Well that's not all. I just want you to show off. I just want to inform you that it's time-you need to face them" I stopped for a moment to analyze his face if he's joking or what-but oh boy he's serious.

Noooo it can't be

I'm not ready yet

Hindi pa pwede

I can't bear to face them right now. It doesn't feel right—it always doesn't feel right at all. I fear I might cause them more pain than I already have.

I'm not even sure if I can treat them the way they deserve. The uncertainty eats at me—I'm terrified of what I might say, or worse, what I might not say.

I'm not done with my therapy what's wrong with him? Nag iisip ba siya?

I can feel the weight of every word, every silence, knowing that whatever comes out of my mouth will only hurt them more. I'm afraid of myself, of the damage I could do if I let my feelings spill uncontrolled. I just don't trust myself with them, not in this state.

"Are you kidding me?" I turned to face him. Kung ang kaninang smirk sa muka niya ay napalitan ng walang emosyon.

"I'm not." He firmly answer.

Napakuyom ako ng kamay, bumaba naman ang tingin nito sa kamay kong nag sisimula nanamang manginig. Fuck this anxiety.

"I can't. AYOKO" kalmado kong sagot pero mahahalata mo ang galit sa boses ko

He's good—napanatili nito ang walang emosyon niyang muka. If he's playing with me I have to win against him.

"You have to go back and that's final"

I threw him a dagger look "Why? Why would I have to go back? As far as I remember that wasn't my home."

He stay firmed as he answered my question. "Maybe it wasn't but you know that .......that is where you truly belong"

Stay calm Rhainne. You have to stay calme. Just like what your psychiatrist told you to do.

"How could you" yan na lamang ang naisagot ko bago siya tuluyang iwan.

Ang kaninang plano kong pagkain ay nabago na. Agad kong kinuha ang susi ng kotse ko at lumabas ng bahay saka ito pinaandar papunta sakanya.

I need to see her. I need to see my psychiatrist

Pagkarating ko sa office niya ay agad ako nitong inasikaso paupo.

Nanatali naman akong tahimik at ganon rin siya. She let me stay silent hanggang sa tuluyan kong sabihin sakanya lahat.

Thank god that she was here

"I might not know what's his reason but I think it's the best for you to try to trust him. I know that you don't trust anyone but trust him or trust yourself. You've been doing good lately. You know what it's already been 5 months since you started to talk to me on what happened on your day and that's the sign that you already trust me" binigyan ako nito ng ngiti saka hinawakan ang kamay kong nakalapat sa binti ko.

Did I just did that? Did I just started to talk like that?

"I-I can't Zhera....."

"Maybe now you can't. Let's just hope on the good side hmmm. That start won't end you. Susunod ako sayo......if you can't handle it..... I'm here" I nodded at her.......

I'm trusting you Zhera. Maniniwala ako sayo sa ngayon. Pero oras na may mangyaring hindi maganda aalis ako sa lugar na yon.

________________

Nandito ako ngayon sa bahay kasama si Lolo. We were having dinner—kaming dalawa lang, minsan nga ako lang mag-isa. Nasany na rin akong ganito ang buhay ko.

I grew up with him and with myself. I didn't even know how to rely on someone except from Zhera and my friends.

"You'll leave tomorrow" agad akong nag angat ng tingin dito na ngayon ay nakatingin rin pala saakin "I know that you disagree with it, it's been decade Jhammira. Hindi na ako bumabata pa. I know that I have fault on this and I just wanted to fix everything and the first thing that I thought of was to get you home"

"Empire" the only words that came out of my mouth. I know what that he get what I'm trying to say

He look at me with fear in his eyes. He tried not to show it but sometimes our eyes betray us. It speaks when our mouth can't

Empire the organization that he built to protect us—his family or so he thought he could protect us.

Kaya nga naging miserable ang buhay ko ay dahil hindi kami nagawang protektahan ng sinasabi niyang organisasyon.

And that makes me one of them.

"N-no." I mentally smirked when I heard him stammer

"Then, you can't force me to go there"

He signed "Okay. If that's the only reason para bumalik ka don"

"Okay"

I will not go there ifit won't benefit me. Nakalimutan ata niya na magaling akong manggamit ng tao lalo na pag napapakinabangan ito.

"I'll be there with you but mauuna ka. I have some important things to do"

I nodded in response

"Don't expect me na uuwi ako sa bahay na yun " cold kong sagotsakanya

I know he knows what I'm referring to.

It feels like there's a missing piece of myself that I couldn't find—that maybe I could find with them.

"I understand pero alam mong hindi sa lahat ng oras matatakasan mo sila."

Hindi man sa lahat ng oras pero sa pansamantalang panahon OO.

Hanggat maari gagawa ako ng paraan huwag lang kaming magkatagpo.

"Sayōnara. But just let me. Let me adjust. You know everything from the very start Lolo."

"Zhera......she wants to come" dahil sa sinabi niyang iyon ay napatingin ako sakanya

"I know"

"You're doing good"

"I am" thanks to Zhera. She's a big help.

It's been 2 years since I met her. Lolo introduce me to her.

____________

"Good evening, young lady. It would be an honor to serve as your butler and companion here in the Philippines. My name is Butler Kim." pag salubong nito saakin pagkapasok ko.

I just nodded to him and didn't bother paying attention to him or perhaps to them.

Just what I've said earlier. I don't have the energy to deal with them.

I'm coming home, home where I feel hell.

I closed my eyes and let every memory flash in my mind. Suck to be me a so-called strong person but goddamn so weak.

A/N: please vote 3<<<