to the members of my past.

sometimes

I just start to write

most of the times

I just write to avoid, cause

some topics fuck me up

like

this one kiss,

I didn't know would led to more, even though

I cried: "no."

even though

I cried

some topics like

you breaking my heart in a thousand pieces

without noticing any of that pain

pain

you cause

you breaking my heart and leaving me alone in a fucking broken home

a broken home

you caused too

sometimes

I am writing

cause talking is exhausting

like talking to you

for hours

without knowing what to say

cause at some point we changed

and you cheated on me

in every possible way

I never told you this,

but you're such a fucked up bitch,

you know that?

and I just laugh into myself, cause I feel like a goddess

since we separated

even bleeding out my pain

•feels like gold•

compared to your sense of happiness

you're a fucked up bitch

- just saying

that's why I'm writing

cause I gave my heart to you

and all my demons could remember

is the rejection I have left for myself

I don't want to be honest,

but that's why I write

I don't want to be that honest,

but I'm still the one

who sees more than

any of them would

I write to avoid topics like that

you missing every of my birthdays

since I was ten,

you never calling,

never coming back

tell me,

is there anything you regret?

cause every day

I ask myself,

if I was not worth it,

or if you all just got too blind to see

how fucking precious I am

and I'm not trying to write a text

that talks about people

who didn't show me enough love,

nor an enumeration of letters to say

how I want to love myself

please don't miss the point

I just write, just start to avoid

ironically

cause here I am telling you that I'm a mess,

even though I am not

I still can't think of any woman

but it comes to you

you know-

I'm not a mess

and rather than that

I'm absolutely not your problem,

your well-depressed friend from faraway,

I'm just someone who's hoping

that you will see some things

and won't notice some others

at the same time

don't ask

cause I won't have the answer

at least

can't explain it with words-

but offer it with my eyes

searching,

with my voice

calling,

with my hands

reaching,

with my body

talking

and my lips

yearning for more,

but please, don't ask

cause sometimes when I write

I ask myself enough

for example

how the past could happen

with me ending up here

and then again

how I could ever thought

it would lead me to somewhere else

maybe it's just about to

confuse you as much as possible,

so no one forgets to appreciate what's been given,

although I don't think this is working out very well

but I write too much

when you read this

just know that I love you,

if you don't,

be sure that I'll write a lot more

about you

just about you

and how I don't give a fuck

or how you tear me up,

how you destroyed my soul

and how much I fought to

survive all of the violence

you had left for me

be sure to hear this letter

when God is telling you

what's coming next,

be sure to cry

when you finally realize

how I really feel,

be sure to discover

that you still don't know enough from me

I will always surprise you,

I will always be better

than most would have expected,

I give more, I care more

I am more than

you made me think I am

cause calling me: "nothing",

didn't left much space to interpret

after all

its just about what I am doing with the blood

that's known as my past

it's running through my veins

leading me forward,

painting my future

after all

it's just about what I write next

and what I won't write too