twenty four

My brain just shuts off completely after that. After the realization hits.

I sink to the ground and curl my arms around my knees, my head tucked in safely, cover my ears and my eyes. Maybe in hopes to wake up from this nightmare.

A nightmare that isn't actually one, but is just reality. The harsh reality we live in, the one we can't simply escape from by waking up.

There are hands touching me, voices calling my name, barking orders, but I don't want to hear any of it because I just don't want to be here anymore.

The grip around my knees doesn't falter, instead, I start rocking back and forth, something I've always done as a kid, when I felt overwhelmed and just wanted to block out everything around me.

The only thing that makes me react when I realize the one touching me is Adrian, and I flinch away from him, crawling back until my back hits a tree and I cover away again, my head hidden between my knees.

If I didn't feel the bile rising up my throat I would've told him to never touch me again. Ever.

I don't know how much time passes and I don't care, but then there's another voice calling out my name. A voice I know, that my wolf knows, and that we actually take comfort in.

"Hi Rafael, it's me, Tristan," he speaks softly, but I don't acknowledge him, just stay curled up right where I am.

"Can I touch you?" he asks, and just because of the fact that he actually asks, I nod.

"Okay, I'm gonna touch your knee, yeah?"

I nod again, my mind a mess, his voice the only thing that actually gets through the dark fog in my head.

"Okay, good," he says, and when he touches my knee I don't flinch, so he sits down next to me, his leg and arm touching mine.

He doesn't acknowledge Adrian and Levi that are still trying to talk to me, and neither do I.

"Now breathe with me, slowly, in and out."

But I shake my head, at that. Because I can't. Because I don't want to. I don't want to breathe anymore. I never want to breathe properly again.

I just want everything to stop. Stop breathing is the first step towards that. That's the only solution my mind can come up with.

"None of that, Rafael," he scolds faintly, but I can tell that he's shaken, probably because none of my outbursts he's ever witnessed before were this bad.

"I don't want to breathe anymore," I tell him, my voice barely audible, but I know he heard me by the way his body tenses next to mine.

But it's not him that speaks up.

"Don't say stuff like that," Adrian retaliates, but there's no fire behind his words. They sound more scared than anything.

"I told you to fucking leave. You've done enough," Tristan finally snaps at them, and I know he's really holding himself back right now.

"No-"

"Leave," I cut him off, "I n-never want to look at you again."

"You can't say stuff like that-" he says, voice choked, and normally I would've stopped, would've felt bad, because Adrian never loses composure like this, but this time I don't.

"I said go away!" I scream suddenly, unexpectedly, and even dare to look up at him. even though I never wanted to see him again, I look at him because I want to hurt him the way he hurt me.

And it works. Because the moment our eyes lock, his start filling up.

I don't know what he sees in them, but I hope it hurts. God, I really fucking hope it hurts because I'm hurting so much right now. And I feel like I might burst any second now.

He's not the one who gets to cry about this. He's not the one that gets to act hurt by this.

He can't cry and make me feel bad about it. That's not fair.

How could he not have told me?

I want them gone. I want Adrian gone, but I don't want Levi to see me like this either.

"Rafael," he tries again, voice hoarse, but it's Levi who stops him.

Levi, whose eyes have long-lost tears and just looks at me like... like he wants to take all the pain away from him, which just makes me ache more.

"Let's go," he tells Adrian, but doesn't look at him, doesn't touch him, just takes one last solicitous look at me, before walking away, "now."

Adrian does, but his face contorts as if he's going to cry and that just hurts to see, and so everything in me just starts to break. What I've been holding back for so long, everything just comes to the surface.

The sob that escapes me tears through every barrier ever built up and doesn't just hurt physically, but everywhere. It pierces right through my fucking heart and all my bones and my veins and my skin.

"Oh fuck," I croak, so afraid and confused and frantic.

If I cry now, I don't think I'll ever be able to stop.

"Just let it out, Rafael. Let it out, I'm here," Tristan whispers, voice hoarse, and when he puts an arm around my shoulder, I just fall into his embrace, my head falling into his lap, and I just cry.

No. I weep.

I weep for myself, mostly. But I also weep for everything that's broken beyond repair.

And then there's this horrible feeling inside of me, that I need to tell Tristan. That I need to tell him what happened, what's still happening. Everything.

And I hate that feeling because I don't actually want to tell anyone, I never wanted to.

I don't even think I'd be able to talk right now in the first place, but I just need to- I need to-

"Please breathe Rafael, you're going to faint if you keep going like that."

He tells me, all while holding onto my for dear life, combing through my hair, trying to console me somehow.

"I-I ca... can't," I hiccup, and it's true, because I'm heaving, and everything inside me just feels so tight, like someone squeezing my lungs together, making it hard to breathe, even to gasp for air.

"Yes you can," he urges, and he sounds so sure, but at the same time so helpless, that I try to follow his instructions and I try to breathe with him through my sobs and my tears. It takes a long time for me to even calm down the smallest bit, and be able to breathe just a little better.

But that's when my thoughts start to be more comprehensible again, start getting louder, and now I can actually hear them, and my chest shudders when the tears don't stop streaming down my face, my shoulders shaking.

I need to tell him, I have to, I need to-

"I'm s-so fucking st... stupid," I whimper, my eyes shut so tightly it hurts, but I've never meant anything more in my entire life. And never felt it more.

"No-"

"He abused me," oh fuck... oh goddess, there they are. Three simple words. Three such simple words.

"H-he abused me, for-for so long and I tho-thought I had to bear it, be-because I'd have no-no one without him and- and I... I'm so... fucking-"

"You're not stupid," is all he says to stop my rambling, his arms around tightening to a point where I can feel it starting to hurt, but I don't care because it feels like it's the only thing that keeps me grounded right now.

"He's not... he isn't my... he..."

"I know," he whispers, and I can feel a tear on the bare skin of my hand, and this time it's not mine.

Tristan is crying for me, and I'd be dammed if that didn't make me cry even more.

"I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop crying," I reveal to him, trying to wipe at my eyes roughly because they just won't stop.

"That's okay, I'll be here for all of them."

"He abused me," I repeat, the words flowing out of my mouth with ease this time but they donÄt hurt any less. They just make it more real.

For a time, silence reigns over us, his arms never loosening and my grip around his arm never faltering.

"Sorry will never be enough for what I'm feeling right now Rafael, so I won't say it. But I can promise you, that something like that will never happen again. Ever. I promise you."

"I already did that myself," I whisper, my voice empty. As empty as I feel, probably. After carrying that for so long, and now actually revealing it to someone... I just feel empty.

"I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop crying," I tell him just another one of my many truths.

"Then don't. I'll be here for every single tear."

is rafael overreacting? I genuinely can't tell. welp.