I FINALLY FELT PEACE

I stared at the light fixture hanging from my ceiling, trying to make sense of everything that happened today. My mind reverted back to the curly-haired girl who won her first volleyball game. I watched the excitement fill her face. I watched the disappointment from my attitude erase it. I watched her smile, and I watched her cry. Then the one thing I didn't want to happen happened – she disappeared into her bedroom, and I wouldn't be able to see her until the next time she came out.

I listened to the thunder outside. It's louder with my windows open. I thought the rain would drown out my thoughts. I keep throwing my football into the air. Pass. Catch. Pass. Catch. Pass. Catch. Over and over. Until it doesn't distract me from feeling like a piece of shit. Until it isn't keeping me confined to my bed, and I'm racing toward Sawyer.

I pulled open my door to find Sawyer standing at my door. Her eyes are glossy, and there's a dash of redness on her nose. I found fear etched in her features. Her chest is rising too quickly. She can barely catch her breath, and I'm pulling her into my room before she can pass out in the hallway.

"Sawyer – "

"Hold me," she choked, her hands shaking as she sobbed. "Please. Hold me. Please. Tell me it wasn't real. Tell me none of it was real."

I tugged her against my chest, my fingers threading through her hair to hold her close. Everything I wanted to say rolled off my tongue as she shook against my body. My hoodie muffled the sounds she was making, but I could hear it, and it sounded like falling apart.

"Talk to me," I mumbled into her curls. "What happened?"

It only made her cry harder. So, I didn't push any further. I stayed in the same spot with my arms around her body, shielding her from whatever monsters were creeping out of her bedroom. But I feared the scariest ones were living in her head. They came to visit when the lights went out and didn't allow her an ounce of rest.

"Sawyer, I need you to calm down, baby," I pleaded. "You're breathing too fast."

I cupped her face causing her to shake her head. "I can't – I can't – "

She wouldn't listen to me, so I did the only thing I could do. I tried distracting her from the thoughts in her head by speaking about my own.

"My mom left. She dropped me off at school and never came back," I swallowed harshly. "And I told everybody how great my mom was, and how much I loved her, and that nobody's mom loved them more than my mom loved me. I said it because I believed it and because I was a child. My world revolved around my mom, and I still remember sitting outside with my teacher waiting for her silver car to pull up."

Sawyer blinked away the tears as they fell but her eyes were on me. She was still struggling to breathe, but her focus had shifted, and all I needed was to continue taking her mind off everything until she caught her breath.

"I found out she left us for another family. Her husband has two sons. They're aspiring lawyers and gods does she fucking love them. Every post on Facebook is about how proud she is to be their mom," I continued on. "I reached out to her. She claimed to love me. Said she supported me. But how do you love someone and walk out on them? How do you claim to love your son and drop him off at school without the intention of picking him back up?"

I told the woman I loved most in this world about the one I used to call mom. I told her how much it made me question my worth. How I second-guess everything, and that I don't know the man in the mirror.

I've spent my whole life realizing I'd never be enough for anyone. I went from people-pleasing to not giving a fuck. Everyone planned on leaving anyway. Why would I try to make them stay? I was a throwaway.

"I don't know what I want out of life. I'm still struggling to decide what to do with my career, and she's got two sons at home who are gonna be lawyers one day. I can't compete. I don't even compare."

"You were a child – "

"A disposable one."

"No. You were enough then and you still are now."

I threw up my arms. "To who?"

"Me dammit!" She clutched her chest. "You're enough to me."

"You barely know me."

"I know enough, and unlike your mom, I think the world of you."

"Until you find someone else."

Her head moved back and forth. "There isn't another Carterpillar for me."

I let out a huff as the corner of my lips tugged upward. "Shut up, Sawyer."

A giggle rolled off her tongue as the last tear fell down her face. "I want to bug you for the rest of my life."

"That's a tragic way to spend your life."

"I know tragedy," she sighed. "And you haven't got their eyes."

"Then what kind of eyes do I have?"

Her teeth sunk into the skin of her bottom lip as she stared up at me. "The kind that makes you want to keep on living."

"Yeah?"

She nodded, whispering. "Yeah."

I felt my heart flip as she stared at me. The curly-haired girl is a beautiful fucking storm. Falling in love with her was like experiencing a natural disaster. Everything is still. Then there's complete chaos.

You can spend an eternity building walls just for them to crumble within seconds. Boarded windows don't stop the floods, and the darkness you once lived in was washed out.

She's cleansing my soul. Sawyer has wiggled herself into the spaces of my broken heart before filling the emptiness. Now she owns it. Everything I once knew was wrong, and the despair I felt was replaced with my feelings for the curly-haired girl.

"I kind of wanna kiss you."

Her eyes flickered from my mouth back to my eyes. "Then what are you waiting for?"

I cupped her face, bringing her closer to me as my lips kissed away the tears on her skin. I barely caught the way her eyes fluttered shut. Her lashes were clumped together, and the redness of her face had started to fade, but I felt the heat flushing through her cheeks.

She let out a heavy breath as I brushed our lips. "I'm falling for you, Sawyer Price."

"I promise to catch you."

Her arms looped around my neck, finding no need to wait for me, and dragging my lips to hers all on her own. It tore a groan from deep within my chest. Her soft mouth working against mine made me weak, and just like before, the world tilted beneath me.

I backed her against the mattress before her body fell on top of the sheets. She leaned up to meet me as I took her mouth again. As I tasted her, my hands begged to touch her. Anywhere.

"Can I try something?" I mumbled against her. "If you want to stop, tell me, okay?"

"Okay," she let out a breathy laugh as I nipped at her bottom lip.

I captured her mouth with mine as my hand drifted over her body, hoping it wouldn't be the last time I touched her. Hoping she'd trust me enough to do it again or hoping at the least she wouldn't want me to stop.

But as my fingertips danced over the underside of her jaw, down the length of her throat, and against the smooth skin on her collarbone, she didn't protest. She only pulled me closer.

I dragged my knuckles through the valley of her cleavage just to listen to her breathe harder. Just to draw out her shivers as I ghosted the swell of her breasts, but I felt something like pride spread through my chest as she arched her back.

"You like that, huh?"

She whimpered against my mouth. It didn't stop the fantasies playing on a loop in my head. I wondered about the sounds she'd make right before coming. Did it sound exactly like that? Or would she try to conceal it?

So, I lowered my hips until she spread her legs, and I felt like I was on my throne, seated between her thighs. She blinked up at me with a look of frustration. I wanted to test her, draw every sound from those pretty fucking lips, and bathe in the sound of her pleasure.

I rested my forehead against hers. "It's taking everything out of me to hold myself back."

"Then don't."

"Trust me," I captured her lips for a quick kiss. "I'd love nothing more than to explore every inch of your body, but I can't do it when you're not in the right headspace."

Her swollen lips brushed against mine as she spoke. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Opening up," she whispered. "It's not easy but I'm proud of you."

I dropped to my elbows, making sure I was close enough to ensure her eyes were on me. "You're my sun, Sawyer, and I want to spend the rest of my 21,000 days revolving around you."

Her mouth pulled into a sleepy smile, and for the first time, I found something I was actually afraid of losing. Just as everything stilled, I heard nothing. The voices in my head stilled, and just like that, I finally felt peace.