Baby Steps…and Backward

MAX

A knock on the door jolted us awake.

It was still early evening.

Estella’s eyes fluttered open, and she gifted me with a brief smile before the memories of the past few hours flooded back. She tried to pull away, but I held her close.

“No,” she protested.

“Estella…”

“You don’t have the right to hold me.”

“I know. But it might help with the pain.”

“The pain you caused?”

“Yes, but it’s not what you think.”

The knock echoed again.

“Just a minute!” I called out.

I quickly located the clothes left for me and pulled them on. I opened the door to find the alpha waiting patiently.

This was a courtesy not all alphas would extend. I was in his territory. His house. He didn’t need my permission to enter, but he was kind enough to respect our privacy.

I heard Estella whimper from inside the room. I asked my wolf to reach out to hers, to comfort her. Then I stepped outside, closing the door behind me.

“I am Alpha Alexander,” he introduced himself with authority. “How is Liz?”

“Liz?” I asked, puzzled.

“The human,” he clarified.

“Her name is Estella,” I corrected him. “Her mother’s name was Liz.”

“Estella is more fitting.” He smiled warmly as he began to walk. “How is she doing?”

“You mean, aside from hating me right now?” I asked.

“Yes, I suppose that’s what I meant.”

“She’s resting. Hopefully, her wolf is behaving while I’m away.”

“I apologize for pulling you away from her, but I thought it would be less intrusive if we spoke in my office.”

“This is your house,” I reminded him as we entered his office. “You can’t be an intruder.”

“Yes, but this is Liz’s… I mean… Estella’s room.”

“You’ve been kind to care for her all this time,” I said sincerely, taking a seat across from his desk while the alpha settled into the chair behind it.

“Having humans in our territory isn’t something we’re used to,” he confessed. “But my luna insisted we keep the girl, and she was right.

“Eric filled me in on what happened earlier, and he also mentioned you’re her mate.”

“I am, yes.”

“I won’t ask why you didn’t tell her. Our doctor gave us some insight before the nurse brought you here. But at least you’re here now.

“I’m aware that you and my beta don’t exactly get along.”

“There’s a mutual dislike,” I confirmed.

“Yes, for all the wrong reasons. But that’s not why I wanted to talk. I wanted to tell you that you’re welcome to stay here for a few days, until Estella is well enough to travel home.”

“Thank you. That means a lot.”

“It’s nothing. I’ll have a larger room prepared for you, and you’ll have full access to our clinic.

“Now that you’re here, we could use your expertise. Our doctor is still young, and he could benefit from your wisdom.”

“I’m not sure I’m the right person for that.” I sighed.

“A mistake in personal judgment doesn’t make you any less of a doctor,” the alpha countered. “Word of your achievements during the recent crisis has spread.”

“It didn’t stop the loss of many pack members,” I said bitterly.

“No, but it did reduce your losses, and you saved your alpha and your luna. Now, I won’t keep you any longer,” he stated.

“As soon as the new room is ready, a member of my pack will guide you and help you settle in with Estella.”

“Thank you again. I appreciate it.”

He smiled, and I left his office, returning to the bedroom where Estella was once again asleep.

ESTELLA

When I woke up again, my head was throbbing and my fists ached. But there was a strange sense of comfort enveloping me.

Max was beside me, which explained it.

He was gazing at me with such love. I couldn’t return the sentiment, but I didn’t push him away either. I wanted to. But something told me it was the wrong move.

Something strange happened to my body when I did that, if earlier was any indication.

“How are you feeling?” he asked gently.

“Weird,” I mumbled.

“That’s normal. I need to explain a few things to you.”

“Now you want to explain?” I scoffed.

“Yes. I didn’t foresee this happening.”

“That a strange woman would claim she’s your mate?”

“About that…” He hesitated.

“About what?”

“Del isn’t a stranger, sweetheart. You’ve met her before.”

“I would remember a woman like that, Max,” I retorted.

“She was blonde then, and you had just returned from Australia.”

I stared at him in disbelief as the memory clicked into place. I hadn’t really paid attention to the woman back then.

It was her, indeed, but she had changed, and it wasn’t just the hair. Did she know who I was back then?

I asked him just that.

“No. Very few people knew, and she wasn’t one of them.”

“Who else knew before me?” I demanded.

“My parents, Patrick, Eva, Rohan, Bonnie, and Luz, because she inherited Eva’s gift.”

I felt betrayed.

All the people I had trusted for years knew something so significant, and no one thought to give me even a hint?

Why?

“Sweetheart, don’t hold it against them. They’re not to blame.”

“They didn’t… they…”

“It wasn’t their place to tell you. That was my responsibility,” he admitted, his voice flat.

“Then why didn’t you?”

“I could give you a million reasons for that.”

“Should I start counting?” I shot him a sharp look, even as a part of me scolded myself for being so harsh.

I pushed aside the second voice that seemed to have recently taken up residence in my head and continued to glare at Max.

“From the moment I met you and for a long time after, I didn’t want a mate. I think I was the only werewolf who wanted to find his soulmate later in life.

“Patrick, who felt the complete opposite, thought I was strange. But I don’t think it’s that strange. I think it’s normal. At eighteen, you’re hardly ready for it.”

“Why not?” I challenged. “Every mated couple I’ve seen is happy and deeply in love, even after many years, which is rare for humans.”

“Yes, that’s true. But is it because they’ve matured emotionally, or is the intensity of the bond messing with their minds? Is it real, or is it just sparks and tingles?

“That’s always bothered me, and I wanted to be old enough to have lived my life so I wouldn’t lose my mind when the time came. I wanted to find my mate when I was truly ready for her.”

A growl echoed in my head, but I tried to suppress it so I could focus on what Max was saying. It sounded reasonable and grounded, but it wasn’t enough.

I don’t know what would be enough for me right now.

“When I found you, I panicked. A six-year-old human girl who had just lost her parents? I thought it was a cruel joke. I wasn’t ready for you, and clearly, you weren’t ready for me.”

“You could have rejected me,” I said through gritted teeth.

“I could have, and you probably wouldn’t have felt anything, being so young and since we had barely interacted. I wanted to reject you.”

A pain in my stomach made me double over, and he quickly pulled me into his arms, making the pain disappear instantly.

When I looked up, his eyes were silver, and he looked angry.

“Are you okay?” he asked, concern in his voice.

“What’s happening to me?”

“We’ll get to that too, sweetheart,” he murmured as he stroked my hair.

“When?”

“Soon.”

There was a knock at the door, and he invited the person on the other side in, causing me to frown.

My frown deepened when the pack member announced that our new room was ready and he would wait outside to escort us there.

As soon as the door closed, Max answered the question before I had a chance to ask it.

“The alpha offered us a place to stay here until you’re strong enough to travel. That’s why I left earlier.”

“I don’t want to share a room with you,” I declared.

“I would respect your wish if I could, but for now, it has to be this way, trust me.”

“Trust you?” I hissed. “You don’t deserve trust.”

“Fair point. But I’m telling the truth. Now let’s get your things together. It would be rude to keep the man waiting.”

I didn’t move. I just told him where my things were so he could gather them. It wasn’t some kind of revenge. I just wasn’t strong enough to do it myself.

My earlier outburst had somehow drained me. Still, I managed to stand and walk beside him without assistance.

This room wasn’t far from my previous one, but it was much nicer, meaning it was larger and even had a queen-sized bed. Plus, the view was a bit better.

Not that I cared much about the view or anything else at the moment. As soon as we were alone again, I gave Max a look, silently urging him to continue where he left off.

“As I was saying…,” he began, but I cut him off.

“You considered rejecting me. Why didn’t you?”

“I’m not sure.” He sighed. “I mean, back then, it would have been easy, and there were good reasons to do it, one of them being that you were a human and could reject me yourself once you were older.”

“I wouldn’t have.”

“I didn’t know that then, sweetheart, and I was always uncertain. Part of me feared rejection, and the other part feared that you might accept too quickly and regret it later.

“But then, the Moon Goddess helped me decide when she told me that if I rejected you, I wouldn’t get another chance because you were already my second one.

“You see, my original mate died too young. Anyway, I had already grown fond of you, and since you had been left alone in the world, I felt responsible for you and cared for you until Julian came along.”

“I didn’t stay a child forever, though.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“I confronted you,” I spat.

“You did.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me?”

“Estella, everything that held me back from telling you seems so fucking stupid now because we could have worked it out. Except for one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“I knew that once I marked you, you’d have to shift. Become like me.”

“I…”

I hadn’t considered that. Did I mind? I’m not sure. If I had been told before all this, I might have processed it differently. But there was something in the way he said this…

“Your aging would slow down. Your senses would become sharper, and you wouldn’t need glasses anymore. You’d become stronger.”

He paused.

“Assuming you survived your first shift,” he finished.

“What do you mean?”

“A small percentage of pups don’t make it through their first shift, sweetheart,” he said gently, taking my hand and leading me to the bed.

“Even the toughest werewolves struggle with their first few shifts. Some don’t make it, and you’re human.”

“I was a strong human,” I countered, lying back and wincing at my use of past tense.

He mirrored my position, our hands still linked.

“You still are. I was so damn proud when you started training. But it scared me, too. I never wanted to see you in pain.”

“Great job, then, Max,” I snapped, yanking my hand away.

MAX

This wasn’t going well.

I shouldn’t be shocked. The doctor had warned me.

Part of me thought maybe I should wait until she was more open to hearing me out, but my gut said she’d never be fully ready. And I’d put off explaining for too long already.

“Estella…”

“What?”

“I didn’t want to lose you because of what I am.”

“Okay. So, what? I’d have a wolf in my head, too?” she asked, changing the subject.

“Sweetheart, you already have a wolf in your head.”

She stared at me, shocked, then slowly began to understand.

“How?” she gasped.

“I’m not sure. Typically, humans mated to our kind have a dormant wolf that wakes up when the mating is complete.”

“But we didn’t… You didn’t mark me.”

“No. I didn’t.”

I tried to organize my thoughts, to break it to her as gently as possible.

“Usually, mates meet, the bond triggers, they complete the mating process quickly—”

“I know that,” she interrupted, impatient.

“That speeds up the bond’s growth. But ours is different. Our bond wasn’t forced to grow and deepen.

“It was built over all the years we’ve been close. It nourished your dormant wolf and woke her up earlier than expected. And because of that…”

“Because of that, what?”

“She’s trying to get out,” I said.

“Can she do that?”

“She’s awake, and she needs her mate. Yes, sweetheart, she can do that.

“The first time we made love and several times after, she surfaced briefly. You might have already felt her anger, sadness, or jealousy.

“You might even hear a growl in your head now and then.”

“I…I… do,” she stuttered. “I do… it’s been happening on and off for…for years. That’s her?”

“Yes, sweetheart. I can tell you from experience, it can be pretty confusing.”

“It is.”

“I bet.” I swallowed hard.

“There’s more?” she asked.

“That seems to be our pattern.”

“Out with it, Max.”

“She’s the reason you’re sick. She… When you left me that rejection message, it strained our bond.

“It wasn’t your fault, you didn’t know, but you did reject me. You felt pain that day, right?”

“Yes.”

“I did too, but it was less because it wasn’t a verbal rejection. For you, it was worse because your wolf fought back hard, and with our bond so deep, she was badly shaken and…”

“She’s causing my pain…,” she whispered. “She’s why I can’t be away from you.”

“Yes.”

“What about you? Is your wolf doing the same?” she asked.

“Not exactly. I have more control over him. Or maybe he didn’t bother because he blamed me for losing you. He basically checked out.

“I think if I hadn’t found you today, he would have eventually died.”

We sat in silence, letting it all sink in. I knew once it did, I was in for another well-deserved outburst.

“I need to go to the bathroom,” she finally said, sliding away from me to get out of bed.

“I need to wash my face, comb my hair… something. I’m tired of other people doing everything for me. I don’t even know what I look like anymore.”

I hesitated, unsure, but quickly made up my mind. I’d prepared her for so little, I owed her this.

“Sweetheart,” I called just as she was about to go in.

“What?”

“I need to tell you something.”

“What now?” She rolled her eyes.

“Remember when you told me about Luz begging you not to go?”

“Yes,” she said slowly.

“Remember how you saw her shift? Her white hair?”

“No,” she mumbled, shaking her head. “No.”

She rushed into the bathroom, and I heard her cry out at her reflection.

I jumped up from the bed and followed her.

“What have you done to me?” she hissed.

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying you’re fucking sorry. What have you done to me?”

“I…”

“What have you done?”

“Your hair turned white early because I slept around,” I admitted, closing my eyes. “That patch of white hair you had was the price for my cheating.”

“Everything I’m going through is because of you,” she hissed.

“I tried not to do it. It was hard enough knowing you were aware of the other women.”

It wasn’t an excuse. It was the truth.

“If it was hard, you would have stopped.”

“They meant nothing, and you know that,” I said. “They were long before you.”

“Liar!” she screamed. “For this to happen to me, you never stopped. Even after we… you never stopped.”

“It was just one time.”

“Who?” she questioned, her eyes flashing a brilliant silver.

Her inner wolf was seething at me too.

“Delta.”

“Her?”

Now, she was trembling with rage.

“Her?” she echoed.

“To me, she was just like all the others.”

“But she wasn’t,” she shrieked. “She wasn’t!”

“I am…” I stopped myself before I could spit out another useless apology.

“I didn’t follow through with it. I was just drunk, drowning in despair, and pissed that you’d left me. That you’d confirmed all my worst fears. I had no fucking idea that she was the reason you’d left.”

“You touched her.”

“It was the worst choice I’ve ever made!” I yelled. “I couldn’t be with her. I didn’t want to. Because she wasn’t you.”

“Fuck you, Max!”