Chapter 9 - I lost everything

"Golden child, lion boy; Tell me what it's like to conquer.

Fearless child, broken boy; Tell me what it's like to burn."

*******************

One year later...

Lilly's POV

I am panicking.

So very much panicking.

I am in trouble. Big stupid trouble.

Fuck.

How could I be so damn stupid?

My pulse took off a sprint as I stared down at the birth control pack, to see three pills are still left. I am supposed to have finished them all by today, twenty-eight days passed, twenty-eight pills, but no, three are left, which means...Fuck, how did I forget to take it three days in a row?

Three freaking days!

Jesus, Lilly, how could you be so stupid?

I didn't even notice it when it happened.

I pulled my phone and with my hand shaking, I checked the calendar, my mind calculating and trying to remember when this must've happened. It had to be about ten days ago, I had my exams and my graduation project presentation, I was so stressed. I usually take the pill first thing in the morning, considering I wasn't sleeping well during that time, I probably just forgot to take them.

I am supposed to get my period in the following days, but what if I don't?

Oh my fucking god, I can't be pregnant, I just...just can't.

"Baby, I am gonna leave now," Christian's voice from the other room had me pushing the pack under the pillow, way too terrified to face this at the moment, "I will come back early, I don't have much work today, will you be here when I get back?" He asked, walking into the bedroom and toward me.

I gulped down and pulled my hair from all over my face as I stared back at him and nodded, "Probably...I have nothing to do today," Other than panicking over the possibility that you might've knocked me up because I was too irresponsible while taking the pills. Yeah, I definitely left that last part to myself.

"Okay, if you need anything call me," he added and I nodded, you know probably a pregnancy test on your way back home would do just fine. The thought alone had my panic level rising.

While Christian, totally unaware of the war raging in my head, leaned down and gave my lips a sweet little kiss before he left.

When I heard the main door shut behind him, I jumped up off the bed and started pacing around the room, this can't be happening, fuck, I am about to graduate in less than a month, I can't have an actual human baby. I can't. I am still a damn baby!

I ran my hand through my hair, messing it more as the anxiety rapidly ate at my inside. I paused in my steps and pulled my phone and dialed Sally, she has more experience with this than me. Maybe three days isn't that much, maybe...

Fuck, I can't deal with this.

"Sally," I said in panic when I heard her answer.

"What's up?" She asked, chewing at something.

"Are you home?" I asked as I opened the closet and pulled out a random pair of pants and a shirt to change.

"Yup, why? What are you doing?"

"Okay, don't do you dare go anywhere," I mumbled, holding the phone to my ear using one hand, and with the other, I pulled at my short and almost fell down, "I am on my way, it's an emergency."

"Okay, I am waiting," She said, worry creeping into her tone and I immediately hung up, changed my clothes, pulled my hair into a messy bun, washed my face and teeth so fast before I grabbed my keys, and rushed to my car.

A few minutes later and I was unlocking the door of our apartment, the moment I stepped in, Sally was in my face, her eyes warily assessing my state, "What's wrong? What happened?"

I gulped down, "I am panicking at the moment, so I need you to tell me that this doesn't deserve me panicking," I said, my throat tightening at the thought as I pulled the pills pack from my bag and shoved it toward Sally, "Today I was supposed to finish it, but three pills are left."

Her eyes widened as they drifted from the pack to me, "Oh my god Lilly, you missed three days?"

"Okay, your tone isn't helping my state at the moment!" I said, her panic triggering mine again.

"When did it happen?" She asked, "When did you miss it, do you remember?"

"I guess it was like ten-ish days ago," I mumbled, "When we had our presentation, remember?"

She pressed a hand to her forehead and started pacing around, her brain working, "Oh shit, if I am doing my calculations right, that would be your fertile window days," She stopped pacing and her narrowed eyes fell on mine, "Please tell me you didn't have sex during those days."

I gulped down and stayed silent, which only made her eyes grow wider, "Oh come on, Lilly!" She scolded me, "You forgot to take the pills and had the audacity to have sex as well!"

I shook my head, "I didn't know back then that I didn't take them, you remember how stressed I was preparing for the presentation, my mind wasn't functioning properly!" I defended myself.

"Too stressed to remember to take the pill but not to stop from having sex, huh?"

"What?" I shrugged innocently, "Sex helps me when I am stressed."

She shot me a glare before she looked away, "Oh god, I am too young to be the cool single aunt."

"Don't say that, I don't want to have a baby now!"

She pulled into a deep breath and pulled me with her to the couch, "Okay, okay, we shouldn't overreact when nothing is clear yet, I mean the possibility of you being pregnant can't be that big," She tried to calm both me and her, "Maybe there is nothing to worry about at all."

"Should I take a pregnancy test?" I asked, the thought alone had my stomach tumbling up and down and the need to throw up became more persistent. My eyes widened, oh no, I am not throwing up, I am not having...morning sickness, right? I am just so stressed, so terrified, it's psychological only.

Sally shook her head, "It's still too recent, the results won't be as accurate, you may get a false negative when you are positive, the best thing to do is to go to the hospital tomorrow and have a blood and urine test, first thing in the morning," She said and I nodded, "Okay, okay," I tried to breathe again, "Maybe there is nothing to be worried about."

She nodded and placed her hand over mine, "Yeah, exactly."

I rubbed a hand over my face, "I should tell Christian," I mumbled.

"Maybe wait till after tomorrow," She suggested and I shook my head, "No, I am way too terrified and panicked, he will notice something is off with me," I explained, "Also, maybe tomorrow he can take me to the hospital in the morning," I added, hoping that he can help decrease my level of panic and assure me that it will be okay. I kind of need his support at the moment or this news will wreck me.

"Okay, let me prepare us something to eat and we can talk about it, I am starving now," She said, already standing up.

I gulped down and she noticed my distress, "I don't want to eat, what if I threw up?" I mumbled and she pulled me from my arm, "Don't be so stupid," She said, calling me off on my irrational fear, "You will survive the meal, I promise."

*****************

I checked my watch for the umpteenth time and paced around the living room, Christian is almost here and I've done nothing today but worry about what type of news tomorrow holds for me. I have gone over each and every possibility and how to act on it next.

I don't want kids, not now, it's not in my plan at all, but if god forbid and I am pregnant, would I even consider the possibility of actually birthing that human baby thingy. Jesus, no, I can't, I am not equipped to take care of another human, I can barely take care of myself.

That would leave me with one other option and it's abortion. People do that, right? It is not that big of a deal, or is it? Is it too wrong?

See, I still don't even know what's wrong from what's right, I shouldn't have a baby!

When the door opened, I almost jumped up from the nervousness. Christian's eyes fell on me and a small smile lifted his lips before he noticed my shaken-up state. His eyebrows pulled closer and he placed his keys aside before he walked toward me, "Is there something wrong?" He asked, his head tilting in worry.

I rubbed a hand over my burning throat and nodded, "Kind of," I mumbled, doubling his confusion and worry. I wrapped my hand over his and led him to the couch, "Let's sit," I mumbled.

The panic and fear radiated off me in waves and he definitely sensed it, "You're kind of scaring me now," Christian mumbled, a few lines etching his forehead.

With my hand still wrapped over his, trying to take some strength from his touch, I started, "I am going right into the subject," I said and he nodded, ushering me to carry on, "I kind of forgot to take my birth control pills for three consecutive days," I dropped the bomb, "It was around ten days ago, and we did have sex back then, so it was unprotected and now I am kind of worried I might've gotten...pregnant or something."

My last words had his eyes widening and he pulled his hand away from my touch, "Wait, what?" He asked in disbelief before he got to his feet, "Lilly, you're kidding around right?" He asked and I got to my feet as well, "Because you wouldn't be this irresponsible with something as big as this, right?"

I swallowed hard and shook my head, "Those times I was so stressed with school's work and I probably just forgot to take it in the morning," I inched closer and my hand went to his arm, "I don't...don't know how it happened, I am-"

He pulled his arm away from my touch, almost flinching away, "Fucking unbelievable!" He snapped and anger rushed all over his face and to his eyes, "How could you be so damn reckless?"

The harshness in his eyes and words had me taking a step backward, a bit surprised by his reaction, "It's not like I did it on purpose," I mumbled, trying to defend myself but my voice broke a bit, today finally taking its toll on me.

"Still, I trusted you in this for god's sake," He took a step forward, "You can't be fucking pregnant, it's the last thing I need on my plate right now!"

"I don't want this either!" I snapped, frustrated at his reaction.

I expected him to be a bit calmer toward this, he was the mature one, and the Christian I knew didn't get angry this fast, "Christian I am just saying, there might be a very slight possibility this happened, and maybe nothing happened at all," I tried to explain, "And even if it is, the situation is still fixable, it's not like I want to have kids now!"

He scoffed and raked a hand over his hair, his hand almost shaking with his rage, "This can't happen, okay, you get that? It.can't.fucking.happen," He stressed out, "You can't come later and pull on me the whole mother's instincts and say you want to keep the baby or whatever, I don't want to deal with that bullshit!"

He shook his head, the grey in his eyes darkening to the point it actually scared me, "I can't understand how stupid you could be, Lilly!"

Hurt at his words and his way of expressing his worry had me rubbing a hand over my burning throat, "Why are you acting like this?" I mumbled, weakly.

"Because the last thing I want is to have a kid from you!" He snapped and I winced, his voice bellowed into the room, colliding with the four walls and coming back as an echo before he turned around, grabbed his keys, and slammed the door shut behind him as he left.

The gravity of his words had me sitting down; he didn't say he didn't want to have kids, that would be understandable, but no, he said he doesn't want to have a kid from me.

I couldn't hold the lone tear that escaped my eyes, way too shocked by his words and reaction. I get that this is the last thing we need, I am freaking terrified as well, but this is not the way to deal with this, especially when there is nothing to worry about yet. It is just a probability and he acted like this, what if I am really pregnant, what would he do?

I took my phone and called Sally, not wanting to be alone at the moment and not having the energy to drive, "Can you come here?" The weakness in my voice was enough for her to say, "I am on my way."

The second I opened the door for her, she shot out, "What did he do?" She asked and anger reflected off her eyes, already expecting that he did something.

I ushered her to get inside and we sat down as I explained what happened and what he said at the end before he stormed out.

"Okay, I am gonna tell you something, Lilly," Sally started, her tone very serious, "Something that shows how everything about the way he dealt with this is very wrong."

I nodded and she swallowed down hard, preparing herself before she said, "Conner and I kind of had a thing going on," She confessed and I wasn't surprised, "I know, it was kind of obvious, you guys were talking every day."

She shook her head, "It's not like that, the summer before he left to uni, one time we were alone and one thing led to another and well," She gave me a knowing look, "We slept together."

My eyes grew wide a bit, "Why didn't you tell me?" I asked.

"Chase had just left and you were not okay, and also Conner and I decided to not tell anyone, and somehow we had that...thing going on the whole summer before he left," She explained, "Anyway, we agreed that it was just a summer thing and he was leaving so we didn't need to ruin our friendship over it."

"But, we kept talking a lot all over that year and when we saw each other again the next summer, well, the same thing just happened again," She added, "It was like we couldn't keep away and the whole summer went on like that."

"Oh, come on, how come I know nothing about this?" I asked, my eyebrows pulling closer and I pushed at her arm, "I tell you everything."

She sighed, "I don't know, Conner and I have been friends for too long, it was kind of weird to talk about it and it wasn't exactly a relationship, it was just...our summer fling," She shook her head, "Anyway, the thing I wanna talk about is that by the end of the summer after that one, my period got late, like really late and even though we used protection, I just had to be sure," My eyes widened, totally not expecting that, "I bought a pregnancy test and the result was...positive.",

"What?" I asked in shock, "You don't have a kid I don't know about, do you?"

She shot me a glare, "No, anyway, I immediately called Conner to meet me, and I told him about this, and you know what his first reaction was, I mean yes, he was shocked of course but he said that if I wanted to keep it, he will be with me and a hundred percent involved, that whatever my decision to this is, he will support me in it," She added, pointing out the difference in our kind of similar situation, "And he was leaving the next day, but he canceled his flight so he can go with me to the doctor, and turns out that was just a false positive and I wasn't even pregnant, I just had a problem with my hormones at the time."

I nodded, understanding the message she was trying to send.

"Lilly, Conner was still just a student and young, and we weren't even in that big of a relationship, yet he stood by my side through it and he was ready to take full responsibility, but look at Christian now, who is old and supposedly mature enough, and how he acted."

I shook my head, "There is something not right, what he said in the end, it's not about having a kid, it's about...me, I just don't understand it," I mumbled before I looked at Sally, "So, what happened after that?" My eyebrows pulled closer, "With you and Conner?"

She shrugged, "We decided it was better to keep some distance, that little panic moment I had just assured me I am no way near ready for something serious, and with Conner, things felt like they could get...serious," She explained, reminding me of her not-so-good state at that time, "We decided to talk less, just check on each other every once in a while, and well, that's all."

"I remember how bad you were after that summer, if you liked him this much, why...why didn't you give it a chance?" I couldn't help but ask.

Her eyebrow raised, "You were in love with Chase, Lilly, so why didn't you give it a chance as well?" Her words were like a punch to my face, trying to call me out on my own bullshit. My gaze dropped down to my lap and she explained, "You know me, I am not much of the relationship type, so before things got too complicated, I took a step back," She shook her head, "I didn't want to hurt Conner."

Her words had me looking up, "Like I hurt Chase," I stated.

She didn't comment on that, instead, she inched closer and placed her hand over mine, "I will ask one thing, if it was Chase in Christian's situation right now, do you think he would've acted like this?"

I immediately shook my head, "Of course, not."

She nodded, "Lilly, from day one I saw how unhappy you were, and yes, I wanted you to be happy, and with Christian, somehow, you are," She shook her head, "I like that, but never did I like that guy, you know that, we had so many arguments about him, he just never felt...sincere to me," She shrugged, "He got you under his spell but what he did now just made me not like him even more," She explained, saying the same things dad said...They judged him so fast, it's because they don't know him as I do, Christian allowed me to see his good and bad side, his strength, and his weaknesses.

He just never let me see this angry part of him that took over today. That's what scared me.

That maybe there is still a hidden part of him I have no clue about.

"Just know one thing, whatever his side in this is, you are not alone," She assured me, her words warming up my heart, but my panic didn't once decrease, "You've got me."

I leaned closer to her and she wrapped her arm around my shoulder, "Thank you," I mumbled, burying myself into her embrace, needing someone's support, I just thought it would be him soothing me now, but no, "Thanks for always calling me out on my bullshit, but still supporting me no matter what."

"Well, that's what friends are for," She said and I could hear the smile in her voice. She rubbed at my arm and asked, "What are you going to do now?"

I pulled myself out of her embrace, "I should talk with Christian, in a calm logical way," I said and she nodded, agreeing, "I need to understand why he reacted like this and where he stands in all of this."

I took my phone and called him, but he didn't answer. So, I called Louis, hoping he knows where Christian is, "Hey, little one, what's up?"

"Hey Louis," I said through the phone, "Do you know where Christian is?"

"Is he not at home?" He asked, confused, "I haven't talked with him at all today."

"Okay, can I ask a favor," I mumbled, "Can you please call him and see where he is, because he is not picking up my call."

There was a second of silence from his side, "Uh, okay," He said, "Did..did something happen between you two?"

"I will tell you about it later, can you call him for now?"

"Yeah, hold on a second, I will call you back in a bit," He said and hung up.

A few minutes later and he called me to inform me that Christian is at his office. He insisted to know if something had happened, but I only thanked him in return and said we can talk about this later.

I turned to Sally, "Can you drop me off at the campus?" I requested and she accepted for sure.

She insisted to wait for me outside but it was already late, I didn't let her, and I saw Christian's car in the parking lot, so I am sure he is here. One way or another, we need to talk alone, maybe he had calmed down a bit by now.

The building was mostly empty, I barely saw anyone but a few students making their way to the library. When I stopped by Christian's office, I saw the light seeping in from under the door, signaling that he is here. I pulled into a deep breath, preparing myself for another angry version of him as I opened the door and stepped inside.

His gaze was on some papers ahead of him on the table, his elbow propped over the desk, his forehead pressed over his palm and his fingers anxiously fisted over his hair. My entrance had him looking up, everything about his being screamed distress, "What are you doing here?" He asked, blankly.

"You weren't picking up my calls," I mumbled and he looked back at the papers in front of him, "Meaning, I didn't want to talk," He said as he gathered them around.

"But, we should talk," I stated, taking a step forward, "So, can we please go home and talk about this in a more...mature way?"

The muscles of his jaw worked, still not looking at my side as he placed all the papers in an old manila folder and got up to his feet, "Okay," he said, not very satisfied.

He grabbed that folder and took his keys before he headed outside, leaving me to follow him. I shot a glare to his back, annoyed by his childish behavior as I followed his steps. He closed the door of his office and locked it, silence was all I got from him as we made our way to the parking lot.

When he paused near the car, I reached for his hand, shaking him out of his thoughts and urging him to just look at me. His head turned and his eyes fell on mine, "Are you mad at me?" I asked, unable to hide every doubt and fear my tone held.

He didn't answer right away, a war fought between the grey and the light blue in his eyes before he shook his head, his jaw tightened and so did his fingers over my hand, "You see that's the problem," He said, ever so helplessly, "It's not you who I am mad at."

If his words were meant to give me a clear answer, they definitely failed. Before I could ask more, he let go of my hand and opened the door for me, "Let's go home," He said, "We can talk there."

I decided to keep silent for now and did as he said. Once we arrived at his house, he said he'll take a shower first, and then we can talk. I pulled into a deep breath as I sat by the bed's edge and waited for him to be done. The folder he brought with him was laying over the nightstand, the beige color of it almost fading away and the sides wrinkled and ripped, signaling how old it must be, with a stash of papers gathered in its inside.

Curiously, I inched closer and opened the file. I took a look at the first paper that was placed inside, it was a ripped page from a newspaper, I looked at the date to see it dating back to around fifteen years ago, and the headline in bold stated, "Explosion at New York's asylum results in hundreds of deaths and leaves thousands injured."

I read over the news but understood nothing. Thinking it's probably something related to his human rights project, I closed the file, totally losing my interest, especially when I heard the shower's water being turned off. Anxiety grabbed me tighter and I prepared myself for whatever conversation awaits us.

A couple of minutes later and he walked out of the bathroom. Without acknowledging my presence, he pulled a white t-shirt from the closet and slipped it over him along with a sweatpant before he rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, tiredly.

His blank gaze finally met mine and with one deep breath, he sat beside me over the bed's edge but he didn't say a thing, as if waiting for me to initiate the talk.

I swallowed hard and focused my eyes on my lap, "Tomorrow, I will go to the hospital and make a test, just to be sure," I mumbled, "If there is nothing, well then we have nothing to worry about, but..." I gulped down, "If there is," I turned to him and he was still watching me, "I assure you, you've got nothing to worry about, I don't want a kid now, and neither do you, so it will be taken care of."

He nodded, "Cool."

Cool? That's all he has to say?

My jaw tightened and I couldn't stop myself from asking, "Can I know why did you act like that?"

His jaw ticked and he shook his head, "You wouldn't understand."

"Make me understand then," I said, angry at him and at the same time, very hurt.

He looked away but stayed silent. I shook my head, "I was never scared of losing you, you never made me feel like it could happen," I explained, "But today, it felt like I could so easily lose you," That was enough to make him face me again, my eyebrows pulled closer and I added, "I don't want that."

He is the only constant in my life now, if I lose that constant, I could easily get lost again.

That blank look that took over disappeared in a second and I could slowly see my Christian again in there, the softness in his eyes and in his touch as he edged closer and his hand rested under my chin and over the side of my neck before he pulled me closer and pressed his lips to mine, kissing me with everything he had in him.

I wanted him to say something, explain and make me understand, but it felt like he was trying to tell me something through this kiss, something he couldn't say out loud. His arm wrapped around my body, moving me backward a bit till I felt my back hit the mattress, with him on top, and his lips never for once breaking the contact from mine. My fingers reached for his shoulders, holding into him, hoping that today was just a nightmare that its memory was just about to fade away.

But Christian had other plans. He broke the kiss, his chest heaving oxygen in and out, "You're talking about losing someone," He mumbled lowly, his nose beside mine, his lips a breath away from mine, "Lilly, do you have any idea what it feels like to lose everything?"

His words and the weakness in them had me gliding my eyes open to meet his, he stared down at me with an unexplainable look as he shook his head, "You don't know," His thumb brushed over my cheek, his words contradicting his gentle action, "And it's gonna hurt me to let you go through that now," He silenced my confusion by pressing his lips over mine again, "I am sorry that you are about to lose everything," He mumbled into my lips and I placed my hand on his chest and slightly pried him away, breaking the contact and confused at his words as he added, "Just like I did."

"What are you talking about?" I whispered, my eyebrows pulled closer as I stared at the eyes that were my home for the past two years, but now, they felt so foreign.

He shook his head, "You see, there is a reason you and I can't have a child, you have no idea how wrong that would be," His eyebrows pulled closer, "I mean how can I have a kid who has the blood of my father's killer in him?"

"What?" I asked, his words making no sense or whatsoever.

His father's killer?

What did he mean?

I was about to get myself up, trying to understand whatever was going on in here, but Christian's hand over my shoulder kept me down.

My eyes widened at his action, "Christian, what are you doing?" I asked, my heart racing through my chest.

"What I was supposed to do a year ago," He stated, "It was supposed to be one year, just one year, gain your trust, your love, study everything, but-" He shook his head, his jaw tightening, "But it took me two fucking years for some reason," He scoffed, "Anyway, today was a wake-up call, you coming to me with the pregnancy news, I knew then that I've taken this too far."

My heart quivered, sensing how everything about him is out-of-the-ordinary, I lifted my hand to his chest, "Can you please move away, because you're not making much sense," I mumbled as I tried to push at his chest.

I gasped when his hand curled over my wrist and he pushed it into the mattress by my head, "I am gonna start making sense in a bit when I tell you everything, don't worry."

The hardness of his voice and his touch had my wide eyes drifting from my hand that I couldn't move then back to his face, "Christian, you are scaring me," I said, my voice low as I tried to break my arm free of his grip.

"You're scared?" He scoffed, "You have no idea what real fear feels like, Lilly," The look of pure disgust in his eyes had me gulping down, "Fear is opening the door to see your father's body there, killed in the most inhuman way," My stomach churned at the thought and he added, his voice and rage increasing with each word, "Fear is waking up after one hell of an explosion and not being able to move, for five hours, I couldn't move a muscle as I watched all of my friends there die because your fucking family thought that killing one man was worth burning up the whole damn asylum!"

Asylum...explosion...the newspaper I just saw.

"My family?" I asked, weakly, nothing making sense, nothing.

He nodded, "Yes, Lilly, your family," He said, "You see, it took everything in my being not to snap every time you talked about your father over the past two years, you kept talking about how much you love him, how good of a man he is, how you look up to him," He shook his head, "You don't know anything about the man your father is," His jaw tightened and he spat the word in my face, "He might be the hero in your story, but he is the villain in mine, he is a monster!"

That was my breaking point, he was crossing a line and I wasn't going to let him. I groaned as I pulled my hand out of his grip and pushed at his chest with everything in me, "Get away from me!" I screamed, not caring if my voice would grab the neighbor's attention and I finally had the opportunity to break free, "I don't understand anything but don't," I got to my feet and off the bed and pointed my finger at him, "Don't you dare say a thing about my dad!"

"You're still defending him?" His eyebrow raised in disbelief, "How could you defend a murderer?"

Anger clouded my sense and I snapped, "Don't call him that, I don't know who placed these ideas in your head but my father is not a murderer!"

Christian's lip lifted up in a smile, his smile so misplaced in the midst of this tensed conversation, "You're so naive," He said, calling me the word Joe said. He came to a stop in front of me, "So damn naive, it's almost unbelievable," His eyes held what looked like pitty, "Just like I was able to easily trick you, your parents did the same," He shook his head, "You have no idea about all the lies being cooked behind your back, you have no idea what secrets your family is keeping from you and...that brother of yours."

My face pinched, "I don't understand anything you're saying, Christian!" I seethed, my voice coarse and ragged, filled with all the uncertainty and the rage I didn't understand why I was feeling.

I couldn't comprehend the things he was telling me, my parents, his father, lies, secrets...tricking me, for two years he tricked me? Why? For what purpose?

"What's not to understand?" He questioned, gaining a step forward on me, "It's simple, your father killed my father."

Fear slithered under the surface of my skin. I'd never been frightened of Christian before, but at this moment, there was something on his face that told me maybe I should be.

Because it was filled with pure hatred.

A hatred I had neither earned nor understood.

The man who told me he loved me for more than a year, looked at me now like I was his enemy.

I shook my head, refusing everything, "My father could never hurt anyone let alone kill someone!" My voice hardened and I took a courageous step toward Christian, "So, don't you dare call him a killer again, I don't know who killed your father, but it's definitely not my dad!"

"Then, what about your uncle?" He asked, his tone challenging, "How did he die?"

There are things that I've told Christian over the past years about my life, but never did I mention the fact that I had an uncle, who died.

"How do you know about that?" I asked, my voice thick with emotions I didn't understand.

"I asked you how did he die?" He stressed out again, his eyebrows pulling closer in mockery, "Oh wait, you don't know how," He said, in realization, "Your father didn't even tell you about him, did he? It's another scheme of his, another lie he created, isn't it," He said, leaving me guessing.

"Stop," I mumbled, my voice low, on the verge of losing all of my energy.

"It must hurt to realize that daddy dearest is a big liar, huh?"

"Stop!" I snapped, my inside growing angrier and frustrated with every word, with every lie he is making up. I couldn't handle it anymore, I couldn't, my head felt like it just exploded, my heart slowly dissolving into my chest under the impact of Christian and his betrayal, "Just stop!" I shot out again and marched forward, pushing at his chest and shutting him up.

His hands curled over my wrist, stopping me from punching him over and over and he moved forward till my back hit the wall, "Can't accept the fact that your father lied to you, news flash Lilly, he did, he lied to you and to your half brother all the damn time," That word was enough to pin me back and knock all the oxygen out of my lungs.

Christian looked satisfied at my shock and he gave me a fake-pity look, "Oh true, you don't know about that either, I should've probably led with it, my mistake, sorry," He taunted me, persistent on ruining everything as he added, "You think Max's father is Alex?" He shook his head, "No, it's that uncle of yours," He stated, so sure, "Nikolas is Max's real father."

My throat got all gravelly and my eyes burned. My inside burned. My ears heard what he was saying but my brain couldn't translate the words into something that made sense.

The shock had knocked me when I heard him say that sentence. Nikolas is Max's real father. It felt like a distant memory. As if I've heard this sentence or something similar to it before but it was lost somewhere in my brain, a childhood memory or a dream traveling through my subconscious.

I didn't understand.

"Lilly, don't do this, please, Nikolas isn't your father, Alex is." It sounded like my mother's voice, it came out of nowhere and pushed to the forefront of my brain. It's that type of thought that you don't understand, is it a real memory, a dream, or just a fragment of your imagination? That's how this felt, my brain playing tricks on me, triggered by Christian's words.

"Too bad he died, huh?" Christian carried on, "Now, why don't you make a wild guess of who killed him?"

I knew what he was about to say. I knew the word that's gonna leave his mouth and ruin my whole life.

"It's daddy dearest again."

My inside grew numb with every word, "Why are you doing this?" I asked, energyless and on the verge of falling apart.

Today started with a piece of bad news, but is ending on a much much devastating note.

"I told you, I have to make you lose everything," He stated, ever so casually.

"Why?" I asked so weakly, the pain pulsing through my veins made me press my palm over the wall to steady myself and not fall to the ground.

"Because you see, I used to think you were your father's weakness," He shook his head, "But after I got to know you and him more, I realized, you're not his weakness, no, Max is, while you...you are his strength," He kept on talking but I felt like his words are coming from worlds away, "So what's better than to take away his strength and play on his weakness, huh?"

I didn't hear what he said, my brain has short-circuited, going on a loop over what he said since his lips touched mine a few minutes ago. My body was shutting down so I walked to the bed, my knees failing me and I sat down, feeling gutted.

I pressed my palms over the mattress and my gaze focused over the ground as I heaved for one normal breath, "Max is my brother, my father is not killer," I mumbled, my voice low, talking and assuring myself, "My father isn't a killer, everything you said is a lie," I added, panting and out of breath like I just ran a marathon, "Everything you said is a lie," I added, convincing myself or as he said, I would lose everything.

I heard something fall beside me on the bed, my head whipped to the right to see the folder that was on his nightstand, "Everything you need to know is in here," Christian stated, "Every proof you need is in there, the person that gave it to me told me I would need it one day, I guess that is today," He added and placed what looked like a flash drive over the folder, "Visual proofs as well, because the picture doesn't lie, Lilly."

I ignored his words and looked up at him, to the eyes that didn't look so familiar, to the grey that's wrapping around my wrists like shackles, and to the blue that's dragging me ten feet under the surface, "You didn't love me," My words were more like a statement than a question.

He leaned closer and rested his hand over my cheek, he smiled and shook his head, "No, Lilly, I didn't," He brushed his finger over my cheek and I added, "You always said the right things."

He nodded, "I always did the right thing, because it was the only way you'd fall," His finger moved down my cheek and to my chin, his eyes followed his movement and he added, "I was just studying you, I was studying your family."

"I was just another...project for you?" I asked, hurt tightening my throat.

He nodded, "Exactly."

He pulled his hand back and took a few steps toward the door, "You either read those, and watch what's on there," He pointed at the folder and the flash drive, "Or else, you are not leaving here."

I shook my head and I shot from the bed, "I am not watching anything, and I am not reading anything, I don't believe a thing you said!" I snapped, refusing to comprehend everything he mentioned. Things I didn't know, things I wasn't supposed to know.

I marched forward, heading for the door, but Christian blocked my way, slamming the door shut and locking it, "Sorry then, you're not going anywhere."

My eyes widened and I pushed past him, reaching for the door, but his grip over my arm was too hard and he pulled me from it and pushed me backward. The force of his push had me stumbling backward, my knee hit the mattress and I fell on the bed.

Flustered at everything, I gathered myself and stood up again, "When you feel ready to see your father for who he really is, you will be allowed to get out," He added, pressing his back against the door and crossing his arms over his chest, "I really really don't want to hurt you, so don't force me to do that."

I shook my head, "I am not giving up to your wills," I stressed out and he nodded, amused, "Well, baby, two can play this game, we're both stuck here till you do."

My eyes glared at him and my jaw tightened. I nodded, showing him I am up to the challenge as I sat down. I pulled myself up and rested my back against the headboard of the bed and pulled my knees up. Exhaustion weighed my body and brain down and for a mere second only, I pressed my eyes shut.

Behind my closed eyelids, the reality of everything that happened in the past few minutes finally sinking in. That's what it takes for your whole world to change, minutes only. Minutes to realize that the man you trusted with everything was lying to you for two long years. Minutes to doubt everything your family ever said or did.

Minutes only to lose your way.

Minutes to regret every decision you made.

Minutes to break down when you were trying so hard to fake a strength you don't have.

I let my eyelids glide open and my vision was blurry with tears; tears of fear, of betrayal, of lies and secrets that didn't make any sense. I didn't dare to meet Christian's gaze, I refused for him to see the amount of destruction he reflected on me. I didn't allow myself to think through any word he said against my parents.

It's lies. His lies.

My father, he could never. My mother won't even. Max, he is my little brother that I love with everything in me.

Christian can't ruin that, he can't make me lose the only thing in life that I need, he can't make me lose my family.

He can't.

But somehow, he did.

*****************

Next day...

You know that scene in Twilight, where Bella sits without moving, waiting for Edward as the season's pass by, one after the other, well, that's how last night and today felt like. I didn't move, I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. I sat there, waiting for something, but I didn't know what I was waiting for. For Bella, they were months, for me, just a day and a half, yet they felt longer than the past four years I've been here.

Christian went out of the room and came back, he didn't say a thing, and maybe if I tried, I could've escaped, but for some reason, I was stuck, sitting beside a folder that could answer every question and doubt in my mind.

Even if I left, where will I go now? What will I do after every belief I had is being slowly shattered, after my faith in the ones I loved is slowly fading away?

He dropped my phone on the nightstand when Sally was calling me in the morning, I could've easily answered her call and asked her to come and take me, but I didn't. Christian wasn't keeping me a hostage, he knows me, he knows how hard I overthink, he knows I can't leave this room till I know the whole truth.

He studied me, he knows me so damn well.

I just texted Sally in the morning that I will call her later. The thought of being pregnant didn't even feel that big anymore, not when compared to my brother, who could be my half-brother, or to my father, my safe haven, that could be a killer, or even to my mother, who probably had a son with...my uncle, the one my dad killed.

I dug my fingers into the inside of my palms to stop myself from crying and breaking down. My gaze focused on the folder, my fingers itching to open it and just see, but my heart begging me to keep my faith in those that I love, to not let a piece of paper ruin us.

After a day and a half, my brain won and my heart cried out as I placed my hand over the folder and opened it. I gathered whatever strength I had left in me and read the first paper, the newspaper talking about the explosion and its unknown source. The second discussing the sudden disappearance of the one and only, the head of the Italian mafia, Isaac Viarchi.

Mafia?

Oh my god. I can't do this.

A thud of panic hit me again as I flipped through the pages, some that I didn't understand and some that I did. The one that broke me the most is what definitely looked like a DNA test, at the top, it had my brother's name; Maxwell Dolan and at the very end, it said POSITIVE, but under that word wasn't my father's name, under it was written: Nikolas Viarchi.

My heart skipped a panicked beat, my hand shaking over the piece of paper, my mind trying to make sense but I couldn't understand how was this test made...who made it? How could it be even possible, dad said his brother died before Max was born...was it also another lie? How did Christian even get a hold of these?

Is it fake?

A tear escaped my eye and fell on the paper, is it real?

How come dad and Nikolas have different last names, how is it that he has the same last name as this Isaac?

Too many questions, too many possible answers.

And by the end, I just understood nothing.

The room's door opened and I lifted my teary eyes to Christian, whose gaze immediately fell on the many papers scattered all around me. He didn't seem surprised, he knew I was gonna cave one way or another. He took a step forward and shook his head, "It's gonna take you some time to connect all this information together," He commented, addressing my distress, "It is pretty complicated."

He took the flash drive, "But this, this has what you're trying to look for," He added and pulled his laptop from its bag and placed it ahead of me. I didn't object, I didn't refuse as he opened it and placed the flash drive into its port. Some files showed up and inside them, there were a couple of videos.

Somewhere deep inside, I felt like I knew what these videos held. Something that I don't want to see. A side of him I never knew existed. A side that was not supposed to exist.

Christian didn't start the video and when I turned to him, he had his eyes already on me, "I am sorry," He said, and maybe he meant it. I don't know. I didn't care. It didn't matter anymore.

Nothing felt like it mattered anymore.

The video started and I knew why he said sorry. Sorry, you have to see your father kill, sorry you have to see the man that made you feel safe your whole life take someone else's life away. Sorry, you had to see him aim a gun and fire. My hand covered my mouth, a low whimper of shock pushed its way out of my chest, as every word Christian said came to life right in front of my eyes.

The pictures didn't lie.

I saw my father fire two bullets at the man I know only through pictures. I couldn't even think of who in their right minds would film this, the quality was so bad, like it was filmed through from a phone and from far away. It didn't matter but when the first bullet hit, I gasped, when the second one came, I looked away, tears uncontrollably streaming down my cheeks.

My shoulders shook and another video came, in the beginning, I didn't understand anything from it, too many people fighting, bullets being fired, and not till I focused my eyesight that I saw my dad again, this time stabbing someone, "That's your grandfather," Christian's comment had me whipping my head to his direction, taken aback at yet another information.

No wonder dad never talked about his parents...

Christian fast-forwarded and he pushed the screen toward me and away from his sight, "This, this I can't watch again," he said, his tone dripping with venom and pure distaste before he moved away from me, standing at a distance, watching me as I watched my father torture what I suppose is...Christian's father.

Killed in the most inhuman way.

This was inhuman.

This was evil.

This wasn't my dad. It can't be my dad!

My entire being quaked with a jolt of pain and I lost control over my tears. It was like watching a horror movie, scared of the murderer or the villain, but in this...my dad was both.

My anger and rage had my pushing the laptop away, "No, no," I mumbled, pain overcoming all of my senses and I couldn't witness more, I couldn't see the man I loved the most in the world do things only monsters do.

No wonder Christian hates me and where I come from.

"My problem is not with you, Lilly," Christian's words pulled me out and I looked at him, "You are innocent, I know that."

He shook his head, "You and I, we both were born into this world," He said the last part nodding toward the papers, addressing this world of murder and lies, "But you, you survived it, while I didn't," He explained, "You said it once, life isn't fair, well it wasn't fair with me," His voice tightened, "And someone should pay for that."

And right that moment, he got exactly what he wanted.

At that moment, it felt like I lost everything.

************************************

"Max is Alex's weakness and Lilly is his strength."

THIS IS SO DAMN TRUE.

So, whatcha ya think?

Some of you guessed it,

some didn't XD

Anyways, if you still didn't understand who Christian is; Go to "The death of me", Chapter 57, right at the beginning, after Alex leaves his mother's room, Christian is mentioned there.

Since in this chapter there was a lot of calling back to information from "The death of me", if you don't understand something or don't remember something since it's been a long while, just drop your questions here and I will answer!

Now, right after this, the part I wrote in the beginning of PART TWO comes, so if you don't remember it, go read it again, because next chapter starts right after Lilly called Alex a killer.

And yes, shit just got real. So, keep your seatbelts fastened xD

Love ya all!