Episode 13

EPISODE THIRTEEN

“I think we’re better off as best friends, I can’t really imagine us being together”

Do you know that feeling? That cold and lonely feeling, like having your heart and soul ripped out and you feel so empty but it feels heavy at the same time?? That’s what I’ve been feeling these past few days, is it normal for me to feel this way?  I thought we had a chance but I got my hopes up too high now I’m crashing down, with no one to catch me...

As much as I want to stay at home and cry some more,  I can’t and I won’t, I’ve cried enough these past few days, I think it’s time for me to pick up my broken pieces and try to put it back together again

Arden’s gonna leave soon anyway, the words I use to convince myself not to try anymore, I’ll move on from her

I played my iPod as I start walking to school, I stopped using my bicycle so I’ll arrived late and not have to sit near or beside her

I arrived 15 minutes late, the professor doesn’t really care if you’re late or absent as long as you pass the subject, so I quietly entered the room and sat at the back, my iPod still playing, I stared at the professor and pretended to look interested. After that class, I quickly left the room without looking back

I did this for three days straight, attending the same class as Arden but trying so hard to not talk to her, we glance and smile at each other but that’s all we did these past 3 days, I’ve been successful but we’re bound to meet and talk again, we do have mutual friends and that’s exactly what happened

Jamie and I at the cafeteria, eating, well, she’s eating, I’m just drinking diet coke, I don’t really have an appetite right now, I already told Jamie the details and she’s been very understanding of my mood, almost

“Hey” Jamie spoke “You should eat something”

“Thanks but I’m not really hungry”

“You’re not yourself either” she then handed me a cupcake “eat this or I’ll smack you”

“Fine” I took a bite of the cupcake and gave it back to her “Here, I’m already full”

Jamie gave me a disapproving look and sighed before taking back the cupcake

I then took out my iPod and stuck the earphones on and leaned my chin on my hand while Jamie continued eating, after a while, I felt someone sat beside me, I turned and saw Arden

“Hi!” She greeted happily

“Hey...” I said forcing a smile then turned away

Kevin , Ryan and Cindy soon arrived and I greeted them the same way I greeted Arden a small “Hey” and a forced smile, they bought it and started talking about random things, Jamie is the only one who knows the details about the Arden thing, so I’m kinda glad they didn’t pick up my depressed mood, I only talk when they ask me about something, but mostly I just nodded

After a while, I decided to leave, seeing her makes my heart ache, I need to get away from her, just for a while, just until I can bear the pain.  I stood and grabbed my stuff

“I’m going, see you guys later” I said and left

I was walking around when I heard Arden call my name, I ignored it, i still have my iPod on so I pretended that I didn’t hear it but she ran after me and grabbed my hand to stop me from walking

“I said wait up” she said still catching her breath

I removed one of my earphones and quickly made an excuse “sorry, I didn’t hear you, i have my earphones on” I said “do you need something?”

“No, I just want to walk to class with you” she answered and intertwined her hand with mine

I untangled my hand from hers and stepped back “I’m not yet going to class, I’m just gonna hang out at the soccer field for a while” then I started walking away

I walked across the field, went to the benches and laid there, I think I’ll skip today’s class, it’s just one class, wouldn’t hurt my grades

I turned up the volume of my iPod, drowning off the noises around me then I closed my eyes, I wanted to drift off, sleep is my way of escaping problems.when you're asleep, you can always dream of beautiful carefree things but somehow I can’t sleep, my mind doesn’t want to, guess my subconscious wants me to face my problem

I sighed and sat up, I opened my eyes and saw Arden standing across the field, she stared at me and started walking towards me, I removed my earphones and watched her make her way to me

She then sat next to me and remained silent

“What are you doing here?” I asked her

“I was bored so I left the class” she answered

“Wasn’t that class your favorite subject?”

“It is, but somehow today it got boring” she then slowly turned to me “what about you? Why didn’t you attend?”

“I’m not really in the mood to attend class”

We both became quiet for a few minutes until Arden asked “Did I do something wrong?”

It took me a while to answer “No, you didn’t”

“Then why are you like that?” she again asked, this time in a more serious tone “you’ve been avoiding me for a week now and I hate it, I hate not talking to you, I hate that you don’t joke around me anymore, I hate this! So just tell me what’s wrong, because I really miss you Nicky, I miss m-”

“I’m in love you with Arden” I stared directly at her “I love you so much and when you said we can’t be together, that you don’t want us to be together, it b-broke me…” I said, my voice cracking a bit and my eyes tearing up

Arden held my hand and looked at me with her sad almost teary eyes “I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be, you didn’t do anything wrong, you just made me realize that not all things go the way you want them to” I sighed heavily “and that’s why I’ve been avoiding you, it hurts to much to be close to you right now” I squeezed her hand and continued “don’t think you’re losing a friend because you’re not, I just need some alone time”

I stood and pulled her up then hugged her tight, this time I was crying. I whispered to her “I’ll move on okay? and when I do, I’ll come back and be your best friend again” I stepped back and looked at her, I sadly smiled and quickly walked away...

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Arden granted my request and kept her distance, I did the same. In our classes, we sit far away from each other, I always took glances at her, I wish everything would just go back to the way they were before, when the kind of love I have for her is friendly not greater than that. i sighed and turned away.

When our gang would meet up at the cafeteria for lunch, Arden and I sit far away from each other, I sit next to Jamie and she sits next to Cindy, of course, the guys are wondering why we’re acting like strangers, I just told them that we just want to spend time with other people as well not just with each other, Arden assured them that things between us are alright and we still hang out from time to time, of course that’s a lie but I guess the guys sensed that we don’t want to discuss it so they quickly changed the topic

and it’s been like that for almost three weeks now and to tell you the truth, I miss her so much  but I have to do this, I need to do this, so I can keep her and be a part of her life even if I’m just a friend…