CHAPTER 16

Again, a nightmare that left me a quivering mess with laboured breaths and sweat that dampened my clothes. I hated nightmares, they reminded me of how vulnerable I was and who I really was, they reminded me that no matter how much I ran, I would always take myself with me. Without thinking I had grabbed my phone and dialled a familiar number that I knew too well.

"Nkosana it's 03:09 what's wrong." She asked with a rusty voice

"Nothing, I just missed you." I lied.

She was silent for a while and I knew that she knew that something was wrong but she didn't inquire any further and I was thankful for that.

"What is keeping you up at these odd hours of the day." She asked.

"Some-"

"Uyaloya that's what." She interrupted.

"What?" I asked with confusion.

"I can already imagine you in a rondovel namakhandlela nemphepho eshayo eziko." She said playfully which eased the constant banging from my heart to my ribcage.(in a hut with candles and a burning incense somewhere.)

I could immediately picture the triumphant smile on her face.

"Benginga kwenzelani lokho." I asked with a smile lingering in my lips while I tried to sit up straight.( Why would I do that.)

"You would do anything to have me all to yourself." She said and I let out a throaty chuckle.

"I would." I agreed and I could already picture her blushing to no end while she found the floor to be the most fascinating thing to ever exist. My morning voice wasn't exactly making things easier for her as it had become much deeper than usual.

"Can I sleep now?" She croaked which brought a smile to my face.

"Yes, goodnight." I said before I waited for her to disconnect the call.

*****

I had sacrificed my one hour lunch break only to have Mandisa complain about every living thing on earth especially the one in her stomach. On either side of her sat a dozen shopping bags with baby clothes and other disturbing stuff. She was only a month pregnant yet she was more prepared than a woman who was a few minutes away from labour.

She dragged me around the whole shopping centre and had me carry all her shopping bags while she cooed on how cute the tiny tutu skirts were or the yellow onesies. I payed little attention to whatever she was saying until I saw a familiar face being reflected by the mirror and the most enchanting set of eyes examine me. She didn't make a scene, instead she face the other way and carried on with her day.

It looked wrong. Everything did. I had shopping bags in my hands with a women who wore her smile right up to her eyes. I wanted to explain to Zama how Mandisa was my cousin. The other half of me didn't see the need to, we are just two people who kissed occasionally, took each other out for lunch, called each other every night to wish each other goodnight. It was nothing more than that. We were just two well aquainted human beings. I knew that but sometimes I would tend to forget that and I would find myself looking for something in her eyes that told me that we were somehow different.

A small vibration in my pocket broke my chain of thoughts. It was my alarm  that had indicated that I was only twenty five minutes away from the end of my lunch break. I then paid for whatever Mandisa bought and walked her to her car and continued to go to work.

*******

I drove to Zama's apartment to somehow explain myself of why I had been with another woman. I knocked a few times before she opened the door with tired eyes. She immediately plopped onto my chest.

"What's wrong sthandwa Sami." I whispered while wrapping my arms around her

"I'm tired that's all."

"Then let's get you some sleep."

She then led me to her bedroom and she,again, plopped onto the bed. I took that as an opportunity to really take in my surroundings. There was a bed in the middle and two nightstands on either side of the bed. There was a shoe rack on the side, a make up table I assume and a mini book shelf. The walls were a light shade of blue with a few paintings on them.

Cute.

She was scrunched up in her blanket while she stared at nothing in particular. I walked over to the side of her bed and studied  her as her eyes were solely fixated on mine.

"Let's sleep." She said while patting the empty space on her bed.

I obliged, removed my shoes and lay on the bed.

"Tell me what's wrong."

"Period pains." She murmured with her gaze tearing away from mine.

I did not have a reply. I did not know what to say. What was one expected to say in situations like these? I barely grew up around women to know these things. Was I supposed to say I'm sorry? Like any sane person who didn't know the severity of the situation, I pull her body closer to mine. I did so until I could feel her breaths on my chest.

"It's going to be okay." I whispered.

I was lying, I didn't know if it was ever going to be okay. It seemed she believed me since she had loosened her body and snuggled into my chest. I placed a small kiss on her lips as well as her forehead.

The  busyness of the day was starting to weigh on my eyelids and some parts of my body had begun to numb themselves. I placed my hand on her cheek while I gently caressed it. Her breaths were starting to even on and her lips had formed themselves into an adorable little pout.

"I love you." I mumbled to the sleeping figure.

My vision had blurred and I finally gave in to the world of slumber.

"I love you too" she whispered back.

No.

No.

NO!

WHY?

My eyes flew open, my body stiffened and the air grew thick. Why did she say that? Why did I say that. Okay, I needed to be subtle. To leave without making it obvious that I was running away from her.

I kissed her good night and made an excuse about some plans I had with my siblings and I.

As soon as I hopped into my car, I called the one person who could call out my shit with no remorse.

"Mandisa help me." I said while starting the ignition.

"With what?" she asked in a bored tone. I could already picture her rolling her eyes and chewing on something.

"She said she loves me." I said with more panic than expected.

"Who? The unknown?"

"Yes, the unknown!" I yelled.

"Okay calm down and tell me everything."

I told her of everything that occured and she kept quiet the whole time while I was talking. I hated how quiet she was, was I in the wrong.

"Nkosana this is stupid. You're stupid. You're in love with her and you know it. Why would you just randomly tell someone you love them in your sleep."  I wasn't sleeping "just grow up and  try this thing out. You can't spend your life in grief because of whatever happened to you in the past. You're sending mixed signals to the unknown. If I were her I would have left your ashy ass." She said.

I said nothing in response. I disconnected the call and sped home. As soon as I got home, I took a shower and got my much needed rest.

*******

My phone buzzed none stop and I hated every second of it. I checked the caller ID only to find Mseki. I answered the call and music was blaring in the background.

"Sawubona Bhuti wethu omudala futhi esimuthandayo futhi esimuhloniphayo futhi-" he slurred (hello older brother that we love and respect and-)

"Just cut the crap Mseki." I interupted

"Sicela uzosilanda." He mumbled.

"Nikuphi?"

"Empire" he replied

Goodness these kids will be the death of me. It was 23:44 and these kids were out partying their lives away. There goes my much needed rest.

I forced myself up, drove to Empire and dragged them to the car after I had paid their thirteen thousand Rand bill. What were they drinking? I drove back home with Nhlakanipho singing along to the radio, Mseki continuously apologising while I wanted to tell him shut up because he reeked of alcohol. Nhlonipho, on the other hand, was dead asleep. By the time I got home both the twins were half dead and Mseki was only half asleep.

I helped Mseki up to his room and later carried the twins to their room. I  forced Mseki to take a shower and readied the twins for bed while they were sleeping. I left them with their shirts and boxers. It was already half past one by the time I went to sleep.

Again, I had to wake up. It was half past four and I had to get ready for work. I did the necessary stuff and prepared sandwiches for kids to eat. Its weird how I have raised my siblings to the point where I see them as my kids.

"Bhuti, you know something really weird happened last night." Mseki said from out of nowhere.

"What is it Mseki." I asked with an annoyed tone.

I was still really pissed at them.

"A random guy came up to me and called me Grootman." He said with a bit of confusion. I looked at him with an eye that told him that I would punch him if he didn't continue. "He asked me if I was back in the business and I went with the flow and I said yes. After that, he told me that he had an assignment for me and that he would spread word that I was back in the business." He continued with his head cast in the floor and his feet uncomfortably shifting from place to place.

My anger had risen from zero to one hundred.

"Get out and take your siblings with you"  I said calmly while packing my lunch box.

Mseki's face was a mixture of confusion and guilt. I wasn't sure why he felt guilty, mayby he knew of how much shit he just put my ass in. After a few moments of silence, he nodded obediently and disappeared into the twins' room.

These kids will be the death of me.