CHAPTER 21

I woke up early in the morning to get ready for work and I knew very well that my siblings would not be happy with that but I cared less. I took a shower dressed up and as soon as I went to the kitchen I found Vuks helping himself with my food while he listened to music in his earphones. I wore a scorn on my face while he simply ignored me. I grabbed two slices from his plate which by the way had six slices with all sorts of stuff inside. The man had salmon slices, avocados, tomatoes, cheese and lettuce. He started whining about me bullying him and so on until realisation hit him in the head.

"Why uyosebenza ngoba uthe udokotela kufanele uphumule isikhashana?" (Why are you going to work when the Docter said you should rest?)

"It's been a while." I dismissed but he didn't budge and stood infront of me instead. "Ngingakusiza ngani Vukile?"

(How can I help you Vukile)

"You know very well what I want." He tried to threaten.

"No I do not." I retorted while pushing him to the side so I could pass.

I went to my car and drove to work and listened to music as well. I greeted the security and and went to the office for shift handovers. Everyone was shook to see me with a bandage around my forehead. I went to the manager who was a friend of mine and begged for him to let me work. He was a but reluctant at first, understandably so but he let anyways. My medical note had strictly advised that I stayed in bed rest for at least four days. I asked the manager to pretend as he had not seen that part.

"So what really happened?" He inquired with suspicion flooding his eyes and I just stared at him with fake confusion. "Because I know for a fact it wasn't just and innocent accident." He added.

Skhumbuzo knew too many things, too much for his own good. He was also like me, had a job just as a cover up although was in the arms trafficking field. He was the type of guy that knew people who knew people and could get you out of any shit whole. I heaved a defeated sigh and narrated everything to him. We did this while working with the others but kept our voices hushed. He asked if I had any trouble finding the assassins and I assured him that I had everything under control. The people were dead and I was hunting Zwane down.

Lunch break hit and I had lunch at the cafeteria with Sandile and Mandla keeping me company and updated me on what I had missed out on. I was disturbed by my ringing phone which had a private number on its caller ID. I answered not caring who it may have been and was met with silence for a few seconds.

"Grootman."

"What?" I snapped which caused the chuckling on the receiving end.

"I had an assignment for you and you didn't answer my calls. Are you working for someone?" He asked as cool as a cucumber.

"No I am not, Zwane, get to the point." I commanded.

"My men." He said with venom.

"And you are next." I said before cutting the line.

I was then irritated thereafter and avoided talking too much. I generally did not talk too much so my colleagues had adapted either way.

I didn't call Zama just incase my phone was bugged. I called Vuks with the work telephone and informed him about everything and asked him to track Zwane. Within two hours he managed to tell me his whereabouts. I left work and went to Zwane's  location. I had my usual work clothes and  my leather bag filled with guns. I walked into a hotel from the back and got up the 50 flights of stairs. Luckily there was  load shedding so nothing would be caught on the CCTV cameras. I got to the roof top and lay on my stomach and grabbed a gun from my bag.

From a distance I could see him talking to a woman who looked like a one night stand. She had a short black dress with her heels in her hands while she walked bare footed.

I had a clear view of his head as he sucked faces with her. The woman also looked like the type to run for her life instead of calling the police which further makes my job much easier. My aim was perfect, finger brushing softly against the trigger. It was the perfect moment. Until my phone rang and revealed the caller ID.

Zama.

I rejected the called and tried again. My mind was jittering and I suddenly couldn't hold the gun correctly. I tried to gulp my nervousness down and didn't realise that the red dot was now on the anonymous woman instead of him. I assume he noticed and ran towards his car. Without thinking I pulled the trigger and three bullet holes were now placed his back.

I packed my things away and went back to my car. I drove to work until knock off time and went home afterwards. I didn't call Zama back. I didn't know why but something inside me insisted that I didn't. I took a shower to release some tension, ate cereal and went to bed. I didn't sleep though, I just blankly stared at wall infront of me.

I wasn't guilt stricken which was the worrisome part. It felt as if nothing had happened, like I had killed nobody all. It had to stop somehow. This thing going on with Zama and I. I had to twist some lie up and explain how we were not meant to be together. Our stars were not aligned and if I could, I would try to convince the universe that it made a colossal mistake by giving me this life. She was falling in love with a façade I had put up for her.

These thoughts wired themselves around my head for a few hours. I didn't pay attention to time and for that reason I'm not really sure when I fell asleep but I did. I managed to  stop thinking about her and let fatigue swallow me.

*****

I sent flowers to Zama's work place and a full outfit that Mandisa had picked out. A handbag, perfume,dress, heels and so on. I booked out an expensive restaurant with a wierd French name. I then hired a mini orchestra and the best chefs the restaurant could offer. I wasn't romantic but I knew how to treat a woman. I knocked off, nervous as hell and went home to dress myself up in my best suit. I wore an avocado green three piece suit and a Ted Baker watch. I wore my most expensive cologne and sped to her house.

I was twenty minutes early and I did that on purpose. I needed time  to breathe before I saw her. I switched on the radio and calmed myself with soothing music and almost fell asleep. Luckily I had set an alarm for myself which would ring eight minutes prior to the planned time which was 19:30.

I left the car and went up to her apartment, knocked twice and waited for her to open for me. As soon as the door opened my mind was fizzled. My insides because fuzzy and a smile crept up my face. I wiped away the sweat  that had grown on my palms on my sides. She wore a  red off shoulder bodycon dress the clung onto her skin and ended at her knees. She had black heels that matched with her handbag. She also wore a wavy Bob weave that had a wet look. She wore make up for the first time too.

Zama was making it very hard for me to keep my hands to myself.

"maNdosi"

"Msindazwe"

I slowly walked to her, still studying her and internally worshipped her. I took her hand in mine and kissed the back of her palm and worked my up up to to her forearm, shoulder and neck. Goodness she smelled heavenly. She let out a soft moan as I placed butterfly kisses on her neck and I involuntarily tightened my hold on her waist and pulled her so close I was sure she could feel the bulge in my pants. I  slowly lowered my hand that had been on her back until it was just a few inches away from her butt although I fisted my hand to dismiss whatever had come over me. I pulled away from the passionate kiss and rested my forehead on hers. She had her eyes still closed while I had mine open and waited for her to look at me. She was still so shy around me. When she opened her eyes they only stared at my lips and went to my eyes for a brief moment before returning to my lips again.

She wiped the lipstick that had transfered itself to me and then gave me a peck and left to switch the lights off around the house. We left holding hands and me carrying her handbag and coat. I opened her door for her and got in as well and drove to the restaurant. I drove while she told me about her day and how hurt she was that I didn't call her last night. I made an excuse about being busy and what not. I parked the car and opened the door for her when we had arrived.

"Good evening Mr and Mrs Mdletshe." Said the waitress who had appeared from absolutely nowhere.

Great just great, give the woman hope that we'll ever marry in this lifetime. Zama, in response to that, squeezed my hand. I wanted to correct her but it did have a good ring to it so I let it be.

We walked into a mini orchestra that performed harmonious music. I led Zama to our table and pulled her chair for her so she could sit and went to sit on mine which was across hers. She looked at everything around her in awe and I internally patted myself on the shoulder for a job well done.

We ordered our food while keeping each other company. She had a radiant glow that night, I'm not sure how one could describe such beauty or perfectly articulate it into words. Our food was brought to us and Zama indulged in the food and moaned in all sorts of ways that left me feeling hot and needy. Zama was a messy eater, she would only clean after herself when she was done. She only had her attention on her food. Without touching my food, I shamelessly stared at her. I only took a few bites of my meal before focusing my attention back to her.

"Nkosana." She called with concern laced in her eyes.

"Yes, sthandwa sami, what's wrong?"

"Why aren't you eating?" She questioned with a bit of cream on the sides of her lips.

"Nothing" I dismissed.

"It's just-"

"You're absolutely gorgeous." I interrupted and she blushed intensely and gulped down the remaining non alcoholic champagne.

I took a few other bites and asked for a waiter to take our dishes. I stood up with a napkin in my hand. I took her hand in mine to helped her stand up. I pulled her closer until her bosson was squashed against my chest. I gently wiped away the sauce around her lips and locked her lips in mine. We were waiting for the dessert that Zama had insisted on. I brushed my lips against her earlobe.

"Dance with me." I whispered. I did not know what I was thinking. I knew I did not know how to dance and I doubt she did either. I blame Netflix. No Zulu man dances to damn violins. We walked to the centre of the room. We weren't exactly dancing but simply swayed from side to side and occasionally stole kisses from each other. I whispered sweet nothings to her while losing myself in her eyes. I pulled her in for a passionate kiss while my hands roamed around her back. I trialed soft kisses on her jawline and shoulder, I moved her hair and tastes the skin on the nape of her neck and she let out laboured breaths. She placed her hand on my neck and pushed me deeper. Before I could tend to her unspoken pleads we were interrupted by someone clearing their throat.

The damn waitress.

Zama scrambled away from me and fixed herself up, those honey orbs of her were flooded with embarrassment.

"Your.. des-dessert.. your dessert is ready." She stammered while she shifted from one foot to the other.

We walked back to the table and Zama dug into her dessert while I busied myself with my phone. When she was done I paid the bill and we left to go to my house. We held hands while I drove and Zama just drooled over me with a smile plastered on her face.

"I love you so much and thank you." She finally spoke.

"Nami ngiyakuthanda sthandwa sami kodwa why are you thanking me?" I asked with my eyes still glued to the road ahead.

"For doing this, for taking your time to prepare such a beautiful dinner for me. That was very thoughtful of you" she said and I nodded in response because I honestly did not know what to say.

I drove in silence until we both reached my house. I parked the car in the garage and opened her side of the door. I led her to the guest room so she could freshen up. She already had a few clothes in the closet just in case. I also took a shower in my room and changed into grey sweatpants and a white baggy shirt. I left my room and found her on the couch with a blanket draped over her. Her eyes were solely fixated on the TV. She was watching that Hlomu thing of hers. I sat next to her and she immediately scooted closer so she could wrap her arms around mine and rested her head against my shoulder.

Two episodes later, realisation had dawned onto me and guilt ripped me apart.

"I think you should leave." I said with my eyes still not leaving the TV.

I could feel her eyes on me, trying to pick me apart. She removed herself from me and I immediately yearned for her warmth again.

"You should leave ,Zama" I repeated just incase she didn't hear me. " I'm so tired of watching you love me while I can't do the same." I confessed.

I did love her but the problem was that she was in love with my façade instead of me. What if one day she realises that I'm not exactly what she wants. I couldn't latch onto her because I would suffer the consequences.

"But you do" she whispered with a hoarse voice.

"I'm not who you think I am and I don't want you to find out the bad way. It's better if you just leave now."

"So you're kicking me out?"

"No, you can leave tomorrow morning. When you get home don't call me or text me. Delete my number and carry on with life like I never existed."

After that we were envelopes with silence, the heavy kind that weighs in your shoulders

"I want to go home."she demanded with tears blurring her eyesight.

"It's late." I said and bit my tongue before I could her to stay. I wanted to look at her sleep for the last time, to watch her moving about the kitchen on the next morning,making lunch for the both of us.

"If you don't want to then I'll taxi." She challenged.

"Zama-" I tried to beg.

"I'm leaving" she interrupted and walked away

"Fine," I huffed in defeat, "I'll drop you off" I added. She stopped walking and slumped her shoulders. She slowly turned around and looked at me squarely in the eye.

"Why?" She exhaled and I almost chocked at that question. I didn't expect her to be so direct when asking that question.

I honestly did not have an answer to that question. Not a perfectly constructed one atleast.

"Because I love you" I confessed and Zama looked uninterested about that statement, "and if you love someone you protect them even if it hurts and this is me protecting you." I explained.

She slowly approached me while I did the same with our eyes still locked and unmoving.

"And why do I need protecting, Lifalethu?" She retorted

"To make you happy I have to be far away from you. " I said while towering over her small frame.

"What makes you think my happiness lies far away from you?" She questioned with her eyebrows titling upwards.

I liked the angry and sassy side of her. It gave her just a sprinkle of bravery. She looked hot, not that she never was. Everything about her was sexy and proof of that was the sudden rise in the temperatureof the room. The air specifically around me was hot but I did not dare break the eye contact. It was weird really—humiliating even that I developed an erection right in the middle of an argument, a break up rather.

"Let's get you home, it's already late. " I dismissed and she turned around and stomped her way to my car.

She opened the door and got in and I went to my side. When I was about to start the car I noticed how her whole body had shifted towards the door. Like she couldn't wait to leave already. She had tears trickling down her cheeks and her soft sniffs filled the car. I wanted to say something, sorry perhaps or something more heartfelt but I knew that nothing could ease the situation we have found ourselves in. Nothing was said until we reached our destination and when we did she leaped out of the car without looking back. For some stupid reason I ran after her, I did that while calling her but she simply ignored me.

I caught up with her grabbed her wrist to stop her. She swatted it away from me and turned turned around only to just glare at me.

"Why are you being so stubborn and damn selfish" I hissed at her. I walked closer to her until I could feel her breaths on my chest.

I wanted her to rest her head on my chest and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I was confused and yet so sure of what I was doing. Amidst the circus in my head one fact remained. She deserved to be happy and safe with or without me. She faced the other way and folded her arms on her chest. I grabbed her jaw and made her look at me.

"Zama I love you, there is little to nothing I would not do for you but trust me this is for the best. Do you know how hard it is to let go of someone you truly love, someone who makes you happy just because you know you will never be enough for them? Do you know how painful it is to watch you cry? Zama please try to understand, ngiyakucela sthandwa sami." I reason while I carressd her cheek.

"But you are enough for me Nkosana." She whimpered through her cracky voice.

"I will not give you the future that you desire"

"I obviously won't get my desired future because you're leaving, Nkosana." She said with conviction.

"Go get some rest, maCele" I dismissed. I leaned into her and captured her lips for the last time.

She tasted sweet as always. I deepened the kiss and tightened my hold on her waist. She was a bit stiff but she was slowly warming up to me. At that moment nothing felt alive like she did, no existence mattered except for hers and for that reason I held her tighter and hoped to never let go because I knew reality would crash in one way or the other.

I pulled out but still rested my forehead on hers and held her cheeks.

"I love you so much it hurts–" I said with my lips against her but she removed my hands from hers as if they were some sort of filth. She didn't say anything before walking inside.

I was left silenced and not able to comprehend what had happened. I dragged myself to my car but couldn't bring myself to drive away from her. I  locked the car and rested my head on the steering wheel. Her scent being present in the car did not make things easier for my purple heart. I stayed in that position for good knows how long.

I was disturbed by curses being thrown at someone and someone violently banging on my window.

"Vula lom'nyango wakho wenanja!" She yelled. ( Open this door you dog)

I unlocked the car and Khetho opened the door and slammed it close just to spite me.

"My fucking sister Nkosana, my fucking sister! You made Zama of all people cry! What did I tell you? I told you to stay the fuck away from her but wena awulaleli angithi, ucabanga ukuthi uwazi kancono angithi, Nkosana. Voetsek, voetsek Nkosana." She  furiously yelled.( ..you don't listen and you think you know better isn't it)

"Are you done?" I asked pretending to be bored. But honestly it really hurt to have someone tell it to my face like that.

"No, I am not done. Zama loves you spot but wena you do the same thing to her that you had done to me. Above all else I am livid that you did this to Zama of all people. Fuck you Nkosana, from the bottom of my heart fuck you." She said with a way less yelling. She left the car and left me feeling worse about myself.

Author's note

Hey guys I'm so sorry but writer's block killed me but I'll try update although it's exam week. Please stay patient and carry on reading. Vote and comment  pretty please.❤️

Wish me luck I'm writing physics tomorrow.