chapter 28

Part IIChapter 1Picking up the threadsHer shoulders were weighed down. The last few months hadn’t been easy, and it showed in the way her face had paled, her body  thinned. Only on closer look could one have made out that it was the same Anu. Her already prominent, large eyes were even more accentuated by the lean face. Gone was the urban look she had sported earlier, and in its place was an untouched, rustic air about her, heightened by the change in her attire and appearance. She wore cotton salwar, covering her head with the dupatta as the village custom demanded. Her hair was long and braided. She was more angular now rather than curvy, which made her look younger and more fragile.There were other changes too, not visible to the naked eye. Physically and emotionally, she had undergone a great deal, and if it hadn’t been for kaki, she could well have died. She paused, thinking that to the world she had known, she was as good as dead. Anu of Rampur, Madhya Pradesh, was a new person. This Anu had seen losses piled against her one after the other, and so had found the simple, untouched air of the village easier to breathe in.The loss of her mother followed by her running away from Chintan had taken its toll on her emotionally. Kaki didn’t complain when all Anu did was sit in corners, leaving her chores incomplete, her eyes fixed on the door, hoping to see Chintan walk in at any moment, even as her mind protested against this fixation.She didn’t notice many other things as the months progressed – the changes in her body, the missing of the monthly cycle, the growing foetus. By the time kaki realised it, the midwife absolutely refused to have anything to do with an abortion. Anu was not privy to this conversation, or even to the fact that she was pregnant till she felt the first kick. She had gained no weight, had lost weight in fact, and assumed the kick was her stomach giving her firm signals demanding attention. She assumed that the slight sense of imbalance, the heaviness in the lower abdomen, the small things that she couldn’t explain, were the natural result of her neglecting her health. The lethargy increased, but when the midwife left, she saw kaki’s face and knew something was wrong.“Is it that babu?” kaki had asked, confusing her. When she stared blankly, kaki persisted. “Go to him, tell him…call him. I will come with you. Marry him…get him to marry you!” kaki urged. Realisation hit her, but before she could open her mouth, kaki asked anxiously, “He will marry you, won’t he?” Anu stared at kaki, the blood draining from her face. She stretched out her hand blindly, her head swimming without warning. Kaki grasped her hand and said, “Go beta, don’t waste time. This is not good.”But her mind was elsewhere, on that fateful evening, when a seed had been sown in her womb, even when a storm had been brewing in her backyard, uprooting her life completely. And yet, the seed had survived. Did that make it the happiest or the saddest day of her life?She looked at kaki, her mind jumping with hope, tempted to take up the old lady’s advice. Her heart beat fast at the prospect of seeing him again, using his child as the pretext. His beloved face floated in front of her eyes, but with that came the memory of her mother, asking her never to have anything to do with him. She looked down. The promise…did it matter now? Had it mattered ever?No, it didn’t. But she had run away from him, refused to respond to his messages, not told him where she was, and insulted him – unceremoniously shut the door on his face. Wouldn’t his father have smiled at him in triumph? Wouldn’t Chintan have burned in anger and humiliation? She regretted every word that she had spoken to him in anger. In her imagination, she had been even more bitter than she actually had felt. She had literally thrown him out of her life without a word, and now her pride revolted against her having to go to him as a supplicant. As a lover, unencumbered, she would have gone to him… Would he welcome her back now? That too when she carried a child! What if he asked for proof that it was his! She would die!Even if he didn’t – no, her Chintan wouldn’t doubt her... Would he believe she was returning because of how she felt? Wouldn’t he suspect her of being an opportunist? What if…what if he had someone else in his life?His father…the inner voice grew softer with doubt. Would he have the courage to cross his father? What if the father insinuated again, questioning her virtue, doubting the child’s paternity… She went into the only other room in the tiny house, closed the door behind her and cried, willing the child to die. When she had spent all her tears, she touched her abdomen tentatively. The kick brought a weak smile to her lips. She would leave the village too. Go to some new city and live a quiet peaceful life.She caressed her abdomen gently, drawing strength from the child. She would live her life, her head held high.But kaki was more tuned to worldly matters. She went to great lengths to suppress the news of the pregnancy, and since Anu rarely stepped out, not many suspected. As the time for delivery neared, Anu became more aware of the child and even started looking forward to it – as a fresh reason to live. As a reminder of the joy she had shared with Chintan. But that was denied to her too. Suddenly one day, all movements stopped, and she delivered a stillborn that night.She felt cheated. As if life had held out a promise and then snatched it away. She decided to cheat life in turn. She didn’t leave the bed, giving up all will to live. Kaki and the midwife did all they could to revive her sagging life with herbs and medicines. But hope? They could not give her that. She was like a ghost now, only, in the reverse. She had a body that lived, but no soul that moved it from within. Weeks and months passed and though Anu’s body recovered from her most recent loss, her heart and soul didn’t. She withdrew into herself further. Just then, as if in answer to kaki’s prayers for her ward, an NGO set up a centre in the village. A shrewd woman, kaki reasoned that if Anu would not live for herself, she would – she must – for others. She talked incessantly to the young floundering woman and sparked a desire to give her life for a cause, and not waste it away.It was an uphill task, but finally, when the NGO head asked her for help as the only educated woman in the village, she reluctantly agreed and life returned to the limbs. Seeing her work here, the NGO head, Reema, requested her to go to Mirzapur, a nearby village, for similar work. Anu was not ready, but by now, kaki was on a warpath to bring Anu back to life as before. She emotionally blackmailed her, and reluctantly, Anu agreed to the project.But as she walked down the road to Mirzapur, where she had to help with documentation, she felt no confidence in herself. When she sighted the village, she realised that the rough and tumble of rustic life had hardened her, and subconsciously she had learnt how to find her way about, locate landmarks that wouldn’t have made any sense to a city-bred in the normal scheme of things. No, what scared her was not her venturing out of her own village into a new one, but going back to a world with which she had had no contact for the last two years…the professional world. A world she had forgotten all about and did not care for anymore. She did not need to, either. Kaki had some income from her land, and Anu’s own proceeds from the sale of the house cushioned them well.She reached the village and stopped to ask a lady for directions to the office of the Grameen Nari Kendra. After gratefully accepting a glass of water and refusing the offer of buttermilk, she resumed the short walk to the office.