CHAPTER 40- FIVE YEARS~AYESHA💕

A Y E S H A : -

Turning to my right side, I brought my blanket up to my chin, cocooning in it's warmth and raised my hand to lay on Farhan's arm, only to meet with cold sheets.

Groggily opening my eyes, I noticed the bed next to me empty, trying to get some last remnants of sleep my eyes kept drooping but the next moment the blaring noise of my alarm made me snap open my eyes widely, still eyes closed I tried to find my phone as the sound got louder, only to notice that it is on the opposite nightstand, rolling over the bed I grabbed my phone and tapped on the 'stop' button. When did I kept my phone here? Must be Farhan.

Seeing the time which showed fifteen minutes past eight, I closed my eyes and mentally prepared for the day. Another day of how I can leave my bed. We should not let go things which we love. But love is also letting go. I was dozing off again but then my eyes snapped open again by my notification bell.

Throwing the covers off me, I sat up on the bed and tied my hair in a ponytail and rubbed my eyes, a yellow sticky note on the nightstand caught my eye as I stood up and plugged my phone to charging.

Meeting. Will be late.

Ok mr. husband, sticking the note back on the nightstand I stood up and draw the curtains of the windows, I sighed leaning against the window frame, it is snowing today, white snow spread all over the backyard garden and the window sill, what a lazy day.

Shaking my head I went to the washroom to fresh up and face the day.

After getting ready I went downstairs to the dining room only to find Bi jaan and mina seated on the dining table, frowning I walk towards them and greeted Bi jaan to which she didn't said anything colourful as she was saying everyday since last seven days when we were here.

Confused I asked mina about mama and baba jaan to which she said, "Baba went to some meetings with Bhai and mama.. isn't feeling well so she's resting." Mina said eating her cereal her voice was void of her regular mischievous self.

An uneasy feeling formed in me seeing their behaviour, "What happened to mama? Is she alright? Should I check on her?"

"No bhabhi everything is alright she has a headache and she said she wants to be alone today, I gave her some painkillers, don't worry, come sit and have some breakfast." Mina smiled passively.

I sat down beside her with the same uneasiness and poured some tea for Bi jaan and myself, "Everything is fine right mina? Farhan left way too early today."

"Yes bhabhi, they told they both have some meetings to attend but I have no idea why so early?" Mina said, confusion morphing her soft features.

"Mama had her breakfast?" I ask, picking up a apple,

"Yes, she did." Mina assured.

"Farhan toh kal bhi bohot jaldi chala gaya tha, ho kya raha hai?" [Farhan left early even yesterday, what's happening?] bi jaan asked me.

"Bi jaan, kal toh Inke dost Yousuf ke Bhenoyi ki achanak ek accident mai death hogayi thi oman mai, toh Yousuf ko waha ki airplane tickets jaldi dilwane gaye the" [Actually Bi jaan, yesterday his Friend, Yousuf's brother-in-law, passed away in a car accident in oman, so Farhan went yesterday to get Yousuf oman's airplane tickets as soon as he can.]

I was quite shocked to hear this when Farhan told me about it, I remember Yousuf mentioning his mom living with his sister and brother-in-law, I felt really bad, there is no assurance of life, my heart broke when Farhan mentioned they had four year old daughter, who doesn't have her father now.

"Allah khair kare sab pe, Har jagah se bas buri khabre hi sunayi de rahi hai,"

[ May allah have mercy on everyone, a bad news is heard from everywhere.] Bi jaan sighed sadly and placed her tea cup on the table.

Mina nodded finishing her cereal and I just have my tea not having an appetite early in the morning,

"Don't you have college today?" I asked mina seeing in her pjs and not ready as she is always before going to college,

"No actually I am taking an off today," she pointed to the veranda windows, where snow was smeared on the sofas and the floor, "Not really a fan of snow storm," I nodded my head as she helped bi jaan to get up and take her to her room, and not have anything to do I started clearing all the dishes from the table with help of the house helps, the woman who I have seen my room kept looking at me weirdly but I just ignored her.

I sat in the empty living room, near the fireplace and rubbed my hands together, the house seems too big when silent, sighing I decided to call my mother and started talking to her and she asked about bi jaan,

"How is bi jaan? I talked to her yesterday with humza, but I know she would've forgotten so tell her I said salam."

I hummed playing with lose threads of my shawl, "She was a bit off today, even aunt ayeeza didn't came downstairs for breakfast, said she was not well."

Mama sighed sadly, "I can understand ayeeza aapa must be sad today, I wish I could be there."

I frowned, "Why mumma?"

"Ayesha you forgot? Today is fifth of December, Fahad's death anniversary, its been five years now." A sudden realisation hits me and I sat up on the couch.

"Oh my god, how can I not remember, that's why everyone is a little skeptical today, why didn't I thought of it." I cursed myself again and again, I am such a bad daughter in law.

"Ayesha listen, just be with them today alright? Make sure they know you are there for comfort make sure your aunt ayeeza is okay, do not pity them, just be like a warm embrace to them, to bi jaan, ayeeza aapa, junaid bhai and mina and Farhan. Alright my love?"

"Yes." I nodded solemnly,

"Okay, I will keep the phone now be with your in laws now. Hm? Say my salam, Allahafiz."

"Allahafiz." I muttered hung in up the call,

Be with them? How? While I was in my thoughts I didn't realised mina came back from bi jaan's room and was seated opposite to me,

"Bi jaan slept?" I asked, rubbing my forehead,

"No she did not, she just wanted to be with mama," I nodded my head.

Noticing her tired eyes which didn't suited her usual cheerful face, I patted on the space next to me on the sofa, mina propped beside me placing her head on my shoulder,

"How are you doing?" I ask patting her cheek.

Mina looked at me as if trying to form something in her mind but shook her head, "Honestly I don't know. I really don't know. I just want to be a small curious child and be completely unaware of its surroundings, but at the same time the situation makes you want to be an adult, which I don't like one bit.

"I've read in many books how they forget the pain over a death of a beloved during years, and that just becomes a memory, how can someone so dear to you could be just a memory? How can you not live it? How can they forget the pain? Why do the authors don't write about the pain, the longing, the desire to meet one last time again and again? And just make them a memory?"  I wiped her tears which kept falling freely from her eyes on her pale cheeks.

"My brother don't deserve to be a memory, his legacy should've been lived.. but people." She chuckled bitterly and kept her head on my shoulder as I caress her hair,

"But to me bhabhi, he is like a dream now, hard to catch, difficult to imagine, the only remembrance of him for me is my dreams with my own scenarios, because in reality I didn't had much memories with him, and god if that isn't my biggest regret." She cried, my throat clogged up and my eyes welled with tears.

"I was just fourteen years old, when he.. I had no idea of emotions that time, but as I am growing up the emotions are coming to sense with deeper pain." I made her face me and wiped her tears,

"Enough mina," I whispered softly, "I know the pain never goes, it stays with you for life, but the pain will become a reality, a beautiful one which you would remember, because that's exactly what would make you stronger, just pray to Allah that your brother gets the highest rank in jannah, you'd want that won't you?" She nodded listening like a obedient child,

"And you are the strength of the family mina." she shook her head in negative, so I told firmly this time, "Yes you are, you and Farhan for your parents, if you let weak, then who will give them strength? Hmm?" I signaled one of the house helps for a glass of water, and made mina drink it,

"Now come on, take a deep breath." I demonstrated with her, "Good, just pray to Allah, he will give all the answers, alright?" She nodded and surprised me when she suddenly hugged me,

"Why are you so best?" I chuckled softly as she whispered.

Seeing mina hurt so brutally I wondered how hard it must be for Farhan, he used to be so attached to his brother,

"Does every year happens like this?" I ask carefully wiping away her tears.

"Yes, it used to look so lonely, so dark, mama used to shut herself in her room, and bhai and baba go to Fahad's bhai grave, which is like four hours away from here, this year Bi jaan is here, You are here, otherwise this whole house seemed so dark to me, I didn't knew what to do, there was no one to ask me." Her eyes watered again and so did mine.

I hugged her again, "I am so sorry mina you had to face this alone, you can share anything with me, I am always there for you." No one deserved to be left alone in their pain, grief, my heart broke for mina.

"That's why I told you, you are the best, no Bestest." I patted her cheek as she pulled back and smiled softly at her,

After making mina settle to her room, I went downstairs to the kitchen and instructed for the lunch, usually mama does this but as she isn't feeling well I had too, not having anything else to do, I helped in making lunch with the house helps.

It was lunchtime now, there was no sun today, snow covered inch of the garden and veranda. The lunch was made and kept on the dining table, thinking of giving them a little time I prayed and made duaa for Fahad bhai and my family and after praying I went down in the living room and sat near the fireplace as it was too cold today, not hearing anything from Farhan I texted him,

How did your meeting went? When will you be back? - A♡

Knowing Farhan will not reply instantly, I left my phone on the couch and went to call everyone for lunch, entering mina's room, I saw her sleeping on her bed, with her course textbooks next to her, she looked tired from the morning, I can make her eat when she wakes up.

Closing her door, I went down to mama's room and knocked before going inside, Bi jaan was praying namaz sitting on the arm chair near the balcony and mama was seated on the bed with  tasbee in her hand, and undoubtedly tear-streaked face with a dazed look. I knocked again to get her attention and she snapped her head to me and wiped her face with her namaz duppata,

"Lunch is ready, I came to call you both." I said blinking my tears back, seeing her like this.

She shook her head in a 'no', I went towards her stood in front of her, I remember when a month ago when she came to Ankara after listening to that mall incident, how scared she was to loose her child and when she saw us how she hugged us, I could never forget that embrace, how she wiped my tears during initial days of my marriage when I didn't knew anything, how she always helped in my lowest and gave me courage every single time.

Raising my hand, I wiped her tears, and kissed on top of her head, and hugged her, I felt the front of my top wet as she started crying again, I hold her just the way she did me, without saying anything and understood all her pain, she let me understand her pain.

Moving back, I wiped her tears again and said, "Bas [enough] mama, please. You are one of the strongest women I know mama, please stop crying."

"How can someone forget their pain of losing their child?" she whispered, her voice hoarse.

"I have no idea about this pain, I know it's not easy, the one who faced it knows better, but I can't see you like this, I can't handle this." Few tears dropped down my cheeks.

"Please mama, get up and have some food, for me? For your children? Please, what if Farhan or Mina wanted comfort from you and they sees you like this, it will give them pain? Right? Please for them?" I pleaded and after few moment she nodded and went to washroom to wash her face.

Seeing bi jaan's prayer was done, I turn to her, "Bi jaan, lunch is ready, let's go, you didn't even eat breakfast properly, you even have to take medicine in afternoon."

She looked at me intently and I started freaking internally, did I said something wrong? I shouldn't have said something to mama or her? Feeling cold air hitting my neck, I realised I wasn't wearing my duppata on my head, realising my mistake I quickly draped my duppata on my head and looked down at my feet.

"Tu,[you]- " bi jaan was saying something but stopped when the washroom door opened and mama came out washing her face.

"Chale, amma." [let's go, mom] mama said and bi jaan had a blank look on her face, oh she forgot.

"Lunch, bi jaan." realisation dawns her features and she nods getting up from the chair, I passed her walking stick and helped her to get to the dining table and made her sit, I then made mama sit beside her and served both of them food in their plates,

"Where is mina?" Mama asks, picking up a spoon,

"She slept." I answer, standing beside her,

"In afternoon?" Bi jaan frowned.

"She was tired bi jaan, she was studying I think." I look down, playing with the loose skin of my index finger nail,

"It's alright amma, when she would wake up, she will eat." Mama says playing with the rice in her plate. "Have you talked to Farhan?"

"No, I texted him, I will just check if he replied," I say before going to the living room and picking up my phone from the couch and checked the messages, my stomach fell a little when I saw no reply.

Going back to dining hall, I tried my best to hide my disappointment, mama raised her eyebrows seeing me, and I shook my head in negative.

"Tu nahi khayegi khana?"[wont you eat?]

Bi jaan asked and I shook my head,

"I will eat with Farhan," I reply standing behind a chair,

"Farhan might be late, don't wait up and eat." mama insisted.

"It's alright mama you eat, I will wait," I smile,

"When you could love your mother in law like your own, but when I want you to treat like my own daughter, why you're holding up? Hm?"Mama smiled, I shook my head holding back my tears,

"No mama, I respect you and love you a lot, but I am not hungry really- I would eat with mina? Okay?" I offered,

Mama looked at me like she wanted to scold me more but I pleaded with my eyes and she nodded reluctantly.

"I wanted to say something but I forgot, remember to ask me about it later." Bi jaan said getting up with mama from the table after eating her food,

"Amma you forgot? So how will you remember?" Mama chuckled weakly.

"I will," bi jaan said and I helped her getting to mama's room as she wanted to be with her,

"Rest for a while mama, how is your headache now?" I asked as she settled on the bed beside bi jaan,

She smiled softly holding my hand, "Much better," she kissed my palm and I smiled and told her to take some rest.

Mina woke up around three in the afternoon and forced me to eat lunch with her, I really wanted to wait for Farhan, and I said mama that I will eat with mina, to keep her heart but mina actually made me eat with her,

Now that the afternoon went and evening arrived, mama, bi jaan and mina came down in the living room to sit and evening tea was served, All of our tea's were almost over when I perked up as I heard the main door opening, a tired baba jaan and a very tired Farhan came to our view making me worry, baba came and sat beside mama in the living room, and Farhan without any second glance to anyone went upstairs.

Breaking my view from the stairs, I asked baba for tea to which mama replied, "You go beta your working since morning today, I will ask mina to make," baba jaan agreed with her and told me to go upstairs,

"Yes bhabhi I will do, You can go rest." Mina assured.

With careful steps I entered the room and saw Farhan sitting on the bed with his head in his hands, he changed from his formal attire and now was wearing his joggers and t shirt.

As I stood in-front of him without thinking anything I placed my hand in his hair and combed back, after a few seconds Farhan looked up at me, I moved back scared he didn't wanted that, and also because I was taken aback seeing his red rimmed eyes, Farhan frowned and took my hand in his and placed it back in his hair, "Continue." His voice rough, as if stone against stone.

I massaged his head for a while, after few minutes of massaging I tilted his head with one hand, his skin warm against my hand, frowning I placed my hand on his forehead, which was warm.

"You have fever." I stated and ask him to lay down, I took out thermometer from the side drawer and checked his temperature,

100.9*F

"It isn't much, but could be, here have this medicine." I said giving him a panadol, to which he made a face,

"What are looking at? You have fever you need to have medicine." I argue,

"Make it half," he demanded.

"Are you serious? You have to take this full according to your body weight." I argued with him.

"I will take half after dinner." He says stubbornly,

"Farhan this doesn't works like this." I sigh,

"It does to me." He argued, sighing I snapped the tablet into half and gave it to him.

"Sleep for a while, I will wake you up for dinner." I said pulling covers on him,

"I don't want to sleep." He mumbled tiredly, his eyes drooping.

"You want too." I said brushing his hair away from his forehead,

He grabbed my wrist and made me sit beside him, my back facing the headboard "Be here," he said guiding my hand in his head.

After a while I kept massaging his head he dozed off, checking his temperature which was going down, I sighed and kissed his forehead and made sure he is covered properly and pulled comforters to his chin, I went downstairs.

It was dinner time now, I didn't realise I was almost there with Farhan for like two hours.

Everyone sat on the dining table quietly as I served everyone and sat on my place, the chair next to mine empty,

"Where is Farhan?" Baba jaan asked.

"He slept, he has a little temperature." I reply taking a bite of my food,

"He is sick? Is he okay?" Mama asked worried,

"No mama everything is fine, he had a little temperature, I gave him medicine, after dinner I will give him some soup too." I reply,

"Make chicken soup, it is great relief when sick," bi jaan says eating her porridge,

"Okay, bi jaan." I nod,

"He won't take medicines easily, it's always a huge worry for me when this boy fell sick." Mama sighs, placing her spoon down,

"Mama even you are not well, don't worry bhabhi is there for him." Mina says smiling at me,

"Uhm mina is right ayeeza, and besides be happy you won't have tolerate his mood swings." Baba chuckled, it felt so good to finally hear his laugh after a long day.

"I am worried for him, why are you joking on this junaid?" Mama sighs but a small smile tug on her lips.

I looked around at them and smiled, this family deserved every happiness, My family.

After dinner I made some chicken soup for Farhan and mama came with me to the room to check on him,

Farhan was awake, when we walked in, leaning against the headboard and was scrolling through his phone, mama sighed saying,

"This phone won't go from here even when we are sick." She says sitting next to Farhan on the bed and I kept the tray on the nightstand.

"I am not sick mama." Farhan's voice was gruff, oh you are totally.

"Yes of course, thermometers lie, don't they?" Mama said and a chuckle left my mouth unintentionally to which Farhan glared at me,

"Why did you tell amma? Now that you have told her, do one thing make an announcement in the whole neighbourhood." I was taken aback by his words but then I remembered, a sick is man has mood swings equal to a pregnant woman.

"Sorry?" I offered amused.

"Stop tearing bills on her name, she was worried for you that's why she told me, now stop with your tantrums and here have this soup- Farhan. I am not repeating myself." Farhan made a face and looked away.

"Here," she scooped some soup in the spoon and brought it near his mouth, "I am counting till three, one-" Farhan opened his mouth and swallowed it.

Complete man child when sick, people say true.

"Now take this, and finish it by yourself. And if I hear from Ayesha your troubling her, you will face me," Mama placed the tray on his lap, before getting up.

"Cant believe a grown up married man is doing this," mama shook her head and I smiled going towards the dressing table.

"Amma," I heard Farhan call her as I was checking on the medicines in the first aid box on the dressing table,

From the mirror I saw mama sitting down on the bed again and placed her hand on his face, Farhan hold her wrist and rubbed it, two pairs of hazel eyes asking for each other's pain, "Were you okay today?" Deciding to give them a little privacy, I went inside the walk in wardrobe in which I had finally filled my clothes and unpacked everything.

The doors of the wardrobe weren't thick enough, sound easily passed and as much as I tried to ignore I could still here their voices,

"I was,"

"You cried a lot didn't you?" I heard Farhan asking,

"Human cries when they feel pain Farhan, and mina was disturbed too today."

"So you cried alone."

"No, Amma was there with me all the time, and my daughter was there for me too in every aspect."

"Mina is understanding everything now."

"She is, but I wasn't talking about my this daughter,"

"You have only one."

"No I have two, my Ayesha helped me a lot today." My hands paused on my clothes hangers and a lump formed in my throat.

They talked for a while and mama left after that, taking my night clothes out I came out of the wardrobe and decided to give his medicines first, after making sure Farhan had all of the soup, I checked his temperature, his skin was getting warmer under my palm, I gave him his half tablet and said,

"Here take this half tablet and sleep and leave your phone." I snatched his phone and kept it on the dresser and went to change into my night clothes, after coming back I saw Farhan already laid down with an arm on his eyes, closing the lights and making sure the heater is on, I made sure the comforter is tucked completely over Farhan, before I laid beside him, checking his forehead time to time.

Till one in the morning, Farhan kept whimpering and did not left his hold on my hand, his fever didn't decreased one bit, making me worried, Farhan was looking in distress? sitting up I started massaging his head and the frown on his forehead eased a little,

My eyes were drooping and I was almost asleep when I heard little almost in audible whimpers from Farhan,

"No, it's- not not him."

"Lie."

I opened my eyes and looked down at the uneasiness coating his face,

"Don't go there."

"All lie."

"Farhan?" I called him softly, patting his cheek.

"Stop he's my brother."

"Farhan?" I called out again,

This time he started squirming around and said softly,

"Bhai come back."

"Farhan!" I called our more firmly as he started thrashing around now.

"Bhai!" He screamed suddenly and I shook his shoulders violently and waking him up, wide panic eyes opened and started looking around in alert, Farhan sat up, his breath coming out in harsh pants, his forehead glistening with sweat, turning on the lamp lights, I sat next to him and rubbed his shoulders,

"Shh, it's no one, relax go back to sleep." I made him lay down and wiped his sweat on his forehead, which was warmer than before. I took the thermometer and checked his temperature, my eyes wide seeing it,

103.2* F

Keeping it down, I was rushing out of the bed when I felt him grabbing my wrist,

"Don't leave." his eyes were still frantic from his nightmare, "please," he pleaded and my heart broke,

"I am not going anywhere, I will be back in a moment, alright." I assure him and ran downstairs and filled some cold water in a bowl and poured some milk in a cup keeping it in a tray and took it upstairs, keeping the tray on the nightstand I went to drawer to take out a clean kerchief, all of a sudden, my eye caught something near the leg of bed, squinting my eyes, I noticed what it was,

The half pill, which I gave to Farhan after dinner.

Oh god, Farhan

Shaking my head, I dipped the cloth in the bowl and then placed it on his forehead, after twenty minutes of keeping the cold watered cloth on his forehead his temperature came down to solid 102 F, less but still not, he became a little calm now, so I made him sit and told him drink the milk, to which he denied,

"Please, only a half cup? Please?" I pleaded and he reluctantly drank it, after that I instructed him to open his mouth and placed the tablet in his mouth and made him swallow with water, to which he started panicking,

"Shh shh relax, relax, just swallow, easy, easy and done." He swallowed the pill and wiped his mouth with his hand, placing the glass on the tray I went and sat bedside Farhan and told him lay down, I was caught off guard when he kept his head on my lap and closed his eyes,

Leaning towards the headboard, I adjusted his head on my lap and started massaging his forehead and temples,

He had a nightmare, I understood that, the way he kept saying bhai, it was about Fahad bhai's death I don't know what really happened to Fahad bhai, all I remember what my mom told me was he was a cop and was fighting some precarious case, and after a few days he committed suicide? Things didn't add up, and I think Farhan knows everything and has kept it to himself, I have to talk to him about it. I will ask him once he gets well.

My head kept dropping down throughout the night, at some point near five in the morning, I felt fingers brush against my cheeks, snapping my eyes open, I looked down to see Farhan looking up at me, placing my hand on his forehead, I sighed in relief when it wasn't warm.

Looking at the digital clock the desk, I saw the time which showed five in the morning,

"How are you feeling now?" I ask brushing his hairs back,

"Fine." His voice gruff, he moved his head from my lap and kept it on the pillow,

"Sleep. you must be tired," I say getting off the bed,

"Where are you going?" I heard him ask,

"I will be back," I say entering the washroom to make abulation,

Taking the prayer mat, I offered my tahajjud prayer and made dua'a for Farhan's health and Fahad bhai and my family, after praying I recited some verses and blew it on Farhan,

Farhan wasn't asleep when I came back and sat up after I blew some verses on him,

"Why did you threw your tablet?" I sighed sitting next him and loosened my namaz scarf,

"I didn't want to take it," he shrugged tiredly,

"It made you sick more," I counted,

"You gave it, now I am good." His tone took me aback,

After few minutes I said carefully, "You had a nightmare Farhan."

He sighed, "It's not a usual thing... it happens sometimes."

"Sometimes? Farhan this can't be neglected." I shook my head,

"It's fine." He sighed harshly,

"No it's not, mental health is important, Farhan." I tried to keep my tone gentle,

"You're saying I am mad? Or do I have some mental illness." He frowned his features contoured in anger,

I rushed to explain, "Absolutely not, I didn't said that, I am just talking about you should take...help."

"I am not mad." he repeated, gritting his teeth,

"And I didn't said you were, you need to talk to someone and let it out." I say carefully,

"I am taking to you," he snaps,

"You are not." I reply,

"You're not really talking to me, you are not telling me what's inside your heart, share with me. Please." I pleaded, grabbing his hand.

His fist clenched in frustration, and he looked away, "I.. I can't,"

"You can Farhan, you can, you have to face it one day," I took hold of his fists and unclench them, "Let it out, I am here to listen to your heart."

Angry tears welled in his eyes and he holded my hands tightly,

"There is so much inside me Ayesha...it's weighing me down." He whispered, his hazel eyes filled with tears, "I feel like it will drown me."

"Then I will catch your hand and bring you back to the shore, let me in, show me everything that you have buried deep inside your heart, let me reach out to you, I am here for you, waiting." I whispered, swallowing the knot in my throat.

And he does as the morning grace the sky, a new morning of Farhan getting off everything off him, I hold his hands all the while as he guides me with him deep inside his heart, where the demons of his past hide, the shadows in his heart clearing up as he guides me, the light of our reunion melting away his demons, his darkness until it was nothing but his pure heart.

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A/N :-

What a sad chapter it was😪

But be ready, cause the next two chapters is going to carry us to the past.

So brace yourself.

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