Archer returned to school two days later.
I'd visited Mrs Woods at the hospital after she regained consciousness, and she was elated to see me. She wasn't getting the point of all the 'fuss' we were making about her.
"Honey, I'm fine! Why are you all so worried even now?"
Mr Woods mock-glared at her. "You don't know how worried you had us there, El. Archer and Viv were scared stiff and it wasn't for nothing! Your condition was much more serious than what you think."
She sighed. "Okay, okay, fine. But I'm alright now, aren't I? Viv, dear, how're your parents?"
I smiled. "They're fine, Mrs Woods. They're coming to see you today in the evening."
"Oh, lovely! I haven't seen them in so long!"
Archer patted his mum's head. "Now, don't get so excited mum, you need to rest. Getting all worked up isn't good for you."
He was taking great care of his mum. Constantly sitting by her side, ensuring she ate enough, taking care of her medicines, filling her in about everything she missed during the time she was unconscious...he was doing it all.
And upon Mrs Woods' insistence, he finally returned to school two days post the surgery.
We were back to our regular routine- footy training, classes, and then working in the study.
But despite the same old lifestyle, something was different this time. That tension, that awkwardness between us still lingered. It was as if neither of us had been able to forget what'd happened on the day of the surgery.
We were constantly stepping on eggshells around each other. Whatever easygoing friendship I'd hoped to develop with him was gone. We were stuck in a strange limbo between friendship, and something else.
Something more.
Now, every kind of contact with him was making me hyper aware of his presence, and all the time alone with him in the study was definitely not helping.
Today, in the evening, for example, when we were both working, he suddenly leaned over me to take some worksheets which were kept on my desk, and in doing so, his arm brushed against mine, and his face hovered a bit too close for my liking.
I tried to subtly shift away. But he noticed.
"Am I--am I making you uncomfortable?" He asked hesitantly.
I shook my head almost mechanically. "No, um..of course not. Everything's great."
He stared at me for some time, and then broke out in a slight half smile.
"You know, I can tell when you're lying."
"I'm not lying!"
"Vi," he placed his hands on either arm of my chair and leaned forward, "you're forgetting I've known you for a long time now."
The look he was giving me made me flush, and I closed my eyes for a second, then opened them again. "No, you're not making me uncomfortable."
He gave me the tiniest of smirks. "Sure about that?"
I nodded and smiled tightly. "Yup."
He leaned in closer, smirk still intact. "Even now?"
We were almost nose-to-nose now. Someone kill me.
I decided I wouldn't let him affect me. Hah, too late for that. Okay, correction, I wouldn't let him know he was affecting me.
I smiled calmly. "Well, you're invading my personal space, which you really shouldn't be doing"--I subtly reminded him of the time I'd asked him to give me space--"but it's not affecting me as such, if that's what you wanted to know."
His smirk fell, as he remembered what I'd asked him all those days back. He pulled away suddenly, taking away all the warmth with him.
"Right," he looked away, his face stony, "I'm sorry. Shouldn't have done that."
I was regretting my choice of words now. I knew I'd said nothing wrong, but a part of me was enjoying the warmth, the closeness, and the playful smile he'd been giving me. That part of me was actually wanting to savour the moment, and even though I'd said the right thing, I felt like I hadn't.
Like I'd been the one to hurt him.
I felt furious with myself, and with him. Why did he have to make me feel guilty? When I hadn't done anything wrong, when he'd been the one to make the mistake?
Why was I feeling bad for him anyway? Wasn't I supposed to be distant?
I swear, all the complications started with that kiss. Before that we were almost doing fine. We could've been friends, maybe I could've slowly forgiven him for the past and just been on good terms with him, but no!
I had to kiss him on the cheek, and he had to respond with a kiss straight on the lips!
I felt all my frustration building up. I glared at him. Maybe I was overreacting or being irrational, but at this point I wasn't thinking straight.
"You. All this is because of you!"
His eyes widened. "What did I do now?"
"What did you do? What didn't you do? You just had to kiss me that day, didn't you? Why did you kiss me, Archer? It's just not done! You can't do things like that anymore!"
He stood up. "Woah! I said I was sorry, didn't I?"
"Well, I hate to break it to you, but sorry doesn't make it any better!"
His jaw ticked. I could sense he was getting worked up too, and I could feel a small part of me telling me to calm down and stop, but did I listen to it?
Fat chance.
"Look," he began, "I kissed you out of impulse that day, at a time when I was running high on emotions. I apologised because obviously it wasn't right. Now if you can't take my apology then it's really not my problem."
I put my head in my hands. Tears were threatening to escape my eyes. Why did I always start crying so easily?
I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I took my frustration out on you. I mean, I was feeling angry at you too, but mostly at myself."
He sighed and turned towards me. "Why were you feeling angry at yourself?"
"Because--because I was the one who decided to act on impulse first that day, and--and..."
My voice was breaking. Shite.
He immediately knelt next to me. "Hey, Vi, are you crying?"
I shook my head and kept my face hidden.
He brought his fingers under my chin and turned my face towards him. Shit, shit, shit.
His eyes widened. "Why are you crying?"
I shook my head again. "No reason."
"No," he whispered, "There's always a reason. Tell me. You can still tell me anything Vi. I'll listen, I promise."
He was looking at me so soulfully that I felt compelled to spill my guts out to him.
"It's just that I...I was feeling really frustrated with myself and with everything I'm feeling right now. I'm a mess, and I can't figure out anything!"
He wrapped his arms around me. "Hey, it's okay to be frustrated sometimes you know. We can't always have everything figured out. And if it's any consolation, I don't know what the hell I'm feeling either."
I looked at him. "About what?"
"You."
I couldn't look away. His eyes were burning golden in the firelight, and I simply couldn't look away.
It was so confusing, dealing with a thousand conflicting emotions, possibilities, second chances and regrets. It was exhausting.
He whispered, "What are you thinking?"
I answered after a moment, "I'm thinking about how confusing this is. This whole thing. Us."
He looked away. After a minute, I decided to ask him a question which had burned in my mind for months.
"Arch, can I ask you something?"
He smiled faintly. "Even if I say no, you'll ask me anyway. Go ahead."
"Why didn't you ever date anyone after me?"
He clearly wasn't expecting this, as his eyes jerked up to meet mine, mouth slightly parted.
"I--there's no reason, really, I mean--"
"Tell me the truth, Archer."
He paused. "Why didn't you date anyone new?"
"Don't answer my question with a question."
"No, but you have to answer honestly too."
"I asked you first."
He huffed in frustration, clearly annoyed at my childishness.
"Well, I don't know. I don't know why I didn't date anyone else after you."
"You looked like you jolly well knew when I first asked you!"
He was looking at anything but me. His ears were red and jaw was clenched.
"Archer," I began, "Tell me the truth."
"Okay, you really wanna know?! Fine! I never got over you! I can't, how the hell can I? You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Vi, how can I possibly forget you and move on with another girl?"
I was fearing he'd say something like this.
"Now, tell me, why didn't you date anybody else, Vi? If you were so hurt and angry with me you should've completely moved on and gone out with another lad. Why didn't you?"
I closed my eyes. How could I answer him when I hadn't been able to face the truth myself?
He stared at me. "You've got to answer, Vivian."
I let out a deep breath. "Same--same reason as you," I whispered, so faintly that I was positive he hadn't heard me.
His eyes widened slightly. "What did you say? Did you--did you just say same reason?"
"Maybe."
He was silent for a while. Then, he slowly got up from his kneeling position and took my face in his hands.
"I'm still gonna keep fighting for you, Vi," he whispered, "I'm willing to wait as long as you want, but I'll never stop trying to win back your heart. I think, by now, we've both realised this: We can never go back to being just friends. Only friendship sucks, now that we both know what more feels like. And I won't stop trying to make up for my mistake. I'll only stop if you ever look me in the eye honestly, and tell me to stop. Only then. Otherwise, I'll keep trying, 'cause I made a mistake once. I'm not foolish enough to make it twice. Especially when it's you."
He let go of my face, and after giving me one last determined look, he left the study. I hadn't even realised it was past 7:30, and I honestly couldn't be bothered, since I was too busy hyperventilating over what just happened.
What he'd just said.
I couldn't believe it. If it were even a month ago, I would've been able to look him in the eye and tell him to forget about it. He'd never win me back.
But now? How could I tell him anything, when my own treacherous heart beat a little bit faster every time he came close, every time he gave me that look?
I couldn't believe myself sometimes, couldn't believe how far we'd come from the first day of the school year, when we'd both hated each other and felt repulsed about working together as Heads.
How we had reached this situation, I'd never know.
I could only think of one thing now, it's that Archer was a determined boy. And it was true, he tried his best to never repeat his mistakes.
But could I trust him again? Could I give him a second chance now? I had no clue what I even felt anymore. It was all a dazed mix of heartbreak, confusion and feelings.
And it was driving me stark mad.
a/n: how are you liking the story so far? just to clarify, if you think viv's being too emotional, or overreactive, just put yourself in her place once. you'll understand that she's going through a messy state right now, and however calm and collected she may be with others, she isn't the same when it comes to herself (or archer). she's very confused and frustrated, especially because she'd asked him for space, and yet she's getting all these feels herself. it's because you can't control how you feel, however much you try to. and at the same time, she's afraid of giving archer a second chance, scared of trusting him with her heart once again.
arch is not in a much better state either. he was super confused about his own emotions too, especially after the turbulent time with his mum in the hospital, but after this conversation with viv, he's realised he needs to rectify his mistake and keep on trying. you can't blame him for trying either, he's human and he still isn't over her.
I'm trying to write this book in a way which will make you feel varying emotions towards my characters. sometimes you'll love them, sometimes you'll feel like hitting them. but that's the point, they're human and they will make mistakes.
plus, one more point i wanna address: if you think this relationship is toxic, it's really not. when they were a couple they were very happy together. sure they had small fights like every normal couple, but they'd always make it up. but after breaking up they naturally hated each other for the misunderstanding. but now all these fights/heated conversations aren't indications of toxicity, they merely point to the fact that both viv and arch are confused about how they feel, they're in a transition phase which is hard to understand/deal with. that's why they tend to take it out on each other sometimes, since they're the reason for each other's confusion.
but i promise, once they start figuring everything out, things will be much clearer. just be a lil patient with my babies :)
all the love xx