Chapter Chapter Nineteen

**This chapter has descriptions of suicidal thoughts**

I had a dark feeling come over me and I slammed my hands over my eyes. I tried to breathe it out but it wouldn’t go away, a voice in my head. 'Might as well'. It spoke to me and I put my pillow over my face. 'At least you get to see dad.' I sat up, my body shaking. I had to ignore these thoughts and paced around my bedroom. I opened my top draw and saw my medication there. It satisfied me enough that they were there and I closed it. I ran my hands over my face, not even crying at this point, just a horrible tug in my chest. 'You’ve got enough tablets just do it.'

“Zeke!” I shouted dropping to the floor. The door burst open and he was next to me, pulling my head to his chest. Zeke’s arms were around me and he rocked me gently, kissing my head. I grabbed his arm that was around me and sobbed into his chest, my back shaking.

“It's okay baby," he almost sang and hearing his voice calmed me down. I closed my eyes, my forehead on his chest. “Sash I’m sor"

“I want to kill myself." I interrupted him and he pulled back looking at me.

“What did you just say?”

“I need you to help me because I want to kill myself. It will pass, it always does". Zeke’s arms pulled me back, moving me so I was sitting in-between his legs on my knees facing him. Zeke shushed me for a few minutes, running his hand over my hair.

“No baby," he purred, kissing my head. I was beyond furious with him but he was making me feel better, helping me ride this out. “You're not allowed to leave me anyway," he whispered and I chuckled slightly. “Or Liv, more Liv actually fuck me". I burst out laughing looking up at him.

“Yeah fuck you for sure”.

“It’s fine, I deserve that. Come," he whispered, pulling me back, running his hand along my spine as he whispered in my ear. “It’s okay baby, you got this". His voice was so gentle and sweet it nearly made me cry again. I took a deep breath as my train of thought went to sleep rather than my dark thoughts. “You okay?” Zeke asked me, feeling my tension drop.

“Yes thank you". I kept my head on his chest not wanting to move.

“How long has that been happening?” He asked, kissing my head.

“Since my dad died,” I muttered.

“Baby." He drew out the word, moving so he could grab my chin to look up at him. “How would that help? I’m sure your dad would be pretty pissed at you.” Zeke’s eyes scanned my face as I bit my bottom lip. He was right, obviously.

“I know. I can’t help it, when I feel low it just comes into my head.” Zeke breathed out, putting his head back.

“It's my fault," he said, quiet as a mouse. I didn’t argue but at the same time I didn’t want to throw him that sort of blame.

“I’m really angry at you". I said looking up at him.

“I know you are. You should be I fucked up.”

“You know you're better than that right? I constantly tell Liv just how fucking amazing you are and how you wouldn’t do anything to hurt me.” I shrugged, blinking my tears away. “That’s still true Sash,"

“It's not. How can I look at that knowing someone’s had it in their mouth and it wasn't me". I was shocked by my own bluntness, clearly Zeke was rubbing off on me. He groaned, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Please don’t say that”. His voice was quiet and he looked down at me. “I’m sorry, I feel fucking awful which is why I had to drive four hours to come and see you, break my probation and everything.”

“I get that and I appreciate you telling me straight away but” I shrugged. I was struggling to trust him now and while we were in a long distance that’s all I had. Without that then we didn’t have much. “That woman works with you so all I'm going to do is panic until you can get moved here. I can’t do it Zeke". I stood up and sat on my bed, wrapping my arms around myself.

“Sash nothings going to happen''. He was still on the floor and I looked down at him.

“I don’t know that though. If you still want to move to London then call me when you do but I understand if you don’t.” I shrugged. Zeke moved till he was sitting in between my legs, his arm resting on my knee.

“Baby don’t do this". I heard his voice break and I wiped a tear quickly.

“I can’t Zeke. I’ve lost the trust and you're four hours drive away from me. That’s literally all we have is trust and now that’s gone. I can’t do it. I said to you when I left the first time I needed you to be good, it sounded stupid but look what's happened.” I took a breath, my shoulders moving up. “I know I always tease you but you need to invest in a mirror you're sexy as fuck and you here with me would make me feel different. What’s stopping you from hanging up the phone on me and going to someone else's house? Nothing.”

“You are. You're the thing that’s stopping me.”

“I think you should go.” I stood up, knocking him on the floor. I looked at his face and it was a mixture of confusion and hurt. His eyes were low and his brow crossed.

“Sash man!” He shouted, standing up.

“Please Zeke.”

“I’m not leaving”. His voice was strong as I opened the bedroom door.

“Zeke please don’t make this harder than it needs to be". My voice was all over the place and I sniffed up a sob.

“I will, tell me you hundred percent want this to be over.” I looked up at him as he spoke and nodded.

“No!” He shouted coming towards me, I flinched and his face dropped. “I’m not going to hurt you, what the fuck?” I scanned his face.

“I know you're not sorry," I muttered out.

“Tell me you want this to be done". I nodded again and he groaned.

“Sasha no I’m not taking a nod. Talk, tell me. I want to hear you say it.” His eyes had turned angry but he still cupped my face with his hand softly.

“I’m a hundred percent sure I want this to be over.” I spoke quickly before I could stop myself.

“Fine.” Is all he said before opening my front door and slamming it behind him, making the walls shake.