Chapter 41

(Chapter song ‘Broken’ by Seether)

ANNA I'm so empty, I want to scream. I want to fix this so bad, but I know River is stead fast in keeping me at a distance.

We haven’t talked since he broke up with me and it’s taking everything I have to respect his distance.

I feel like I want to beg for his forgiveness. Plead with him to take me back. I want to promise him the moon, but I know he won’t take it.

I embarrassed him. Humiliated him. I let him down and he’ll never look at me the same again.

I walk out of the barracks to the field. The trials start today and honestly, I couldn’t give a shit if I pass. If River’s not with me, I don’t want it.

As I walk passed Red Rocks barracks I hear my name.

“Anna.”

I lift my head and River’s standing at the back corner with his hands in his pockets. He ticks his head to the back, turns and disappears.

My face softens as I look around. Does he want to actually talk to me?

I make sure no one sees me and jog to the back of the building.

He’s standing in the middle of the building, rubbing his hands together, looking at the ground.

I watch him closely as I slowly approach.

I don’t know what to say. I just look at the ground and hold myself.

He clears his throat. “How are you?” He’s quiet and seems nervous.

I turn and lean on the wall. “Ok.” I mumble.

“Thank you…for answering me.” He leans on the wall too.

“No problem.” I don’t want to say anymore than that. I don’t want to trigger him in anyway. He’s talking to me and I don’t want to ruin it.

The silence that grew was torture. The tension was thick. I just wish he’d yell or something. I wish he’d just say…something.

“Anna, I’m sorry.” He plays with his fingers.

“No, River. It’s was my fault…” I respond.

He shakes his head. “No it wasn’t. Anna. I lied to you. None of what happened after is your fault. It’s mine.” He side eyes me and I see hurt in his eyes.

“How is it your fault? I caused it River. I put you in that position.”

He nods. “Yeah and I feel like such…” He raises his head and his breath is shaky. “I can’t shake it. I’m not that. I don’t hurt women. I don’t. I just…I’m so fucking sorry.” He lowers his head again.

I push off the wall and walk to him. “River, is this what this is about? Do…Do you think you beat me?” I lean down to see his eyes.

He nods and swallows.

I raise his head to meet my eyes. “No. River. This was discipline in the job. This was deserved for what I did to Cassidy. How could you think I’d take it personally?”

He blinks at me. “Because I love you and you trusted me.” He hitches.

I shake my head and press my lips. Tears sting my eyes. “I don’t blame you, River. I will never blame you. I promise you that. No matter what happens, I will always blame myself for what happened. I can’t hate you, River. My heart won’t let me.”

“I’m a monster.” He lowers his head and sniffs.

My heart breaks even more as I see how broken he is. He thinks he’s right up there with the abusers and that sickens the shit out of me.

I can only do one thing that I hope will heal him and myself.

I slowly get in his space and wrap my arms around his neck. I pull his head into my neck.

It felt like a solid minute before he slide his arms around my waist and held me. He buried his head in my shoulder. “I’m sorry. So fucking sorry.”

“I forgive you.” I whisper.

He buries his head more and I feel him struggle. I feel him fight. I feel him start to heal. He hugs me tighter and it feels like he doesn’t want to let me go.

“I will never let this come between us. Never. Please believe that. Never think that I will ever hate you, River because I can’t. I love you too much.” I whisper softly in his ear while he remains silent.

He pushes back and scrubs a hand down his face. “Where do we go from here?”

“Well, I think maybe a bit of space would help get our heads clear again. What do you think?” I look into his blue eyes and he nods.

“It might be a good idea.” He mumbles.

“We can still be friends though.” I look up at him. “When I get my rank we can go out to drinks and celebrate. Would you like that?” I give a tiny smile.

He bites his upper lip and nods. “Yeah. I can do that.”

“Ok then I guess I better pass this test.”

He draws a big breath and pushes off the wall. He collects himself. “Yep. You go out there and get this. You’ve come so far, Anna. You have no idea how proud I am of you.”

“Thanks.” I thumb over my shoulder. “We better go.”

Me motions his hand behind me. “After you.”

I smile and walk to the field.

We make sure no one was paying attention.

Well, almost no one.

As I walked to the field, Michael jogged up beside me. “What did he want?” he leans to me, speaking quietly.

“Just to apologize. He feels like he’s a woman beater or something.” I say as we walk.

“He is. Anna, you didn’t take him back, did you?” He voice sounded urgent and concerned.

“No, Michael. He isn’t. He disciplined me the way he would have disciplined anyone else. This wasn’t personal.” I shake my head.

“He’s violent, Anna. Dangerous. He’s not safe for you. Don’t go back.” He stops me and crosses his arms.

“Michael. I’m not. Thank you for your concern, but I know what I’m doing.” I push past him.

He follows me. “I hope so, Anna. I just want you to be safe. That’s all.”

“We decided to be friends and I want you to knock it off. I just want to go back to where we were before all this happened. That includes you. Now, everything is alright between me and River so you can drop the bodyguard stuff.” I say as I walk across the field to where the recruits are gathering.

“Fine, but if he hurts you again, I can’t promise that I’m going to be so nice next time.” He points at me as we turn to face the Alphas.

My eyes catch River’s and he gives me a smile. I smile back. I actually feel a lot better now that we’ve talked. Michael is just concerned for me. I get that. It’ll take a little longer for him to trust River because he doesn’t know River like I do. I felt River’s sincerity. I saw how much he was suffering. He doesn’t have a violent bone in his body unless it’s ordered. My heart feels that. I trust River with my life. I just hope over time I can earn his trust back.

As far as Michael goes, I’m sure in time, he’ll change too. This whole event was a disaster. It forced us. Tested us. If we can come out the other with as little scars as possible, I say that’s a win for all three of us. Michael’s important to me too. I don’t want to have to choose between my friends. So I’ll work with them both to repair this and move on.

With everything pushed behind for now, I’ll focus on the finals. I want to win. I want to have fun. I want to be Alpha.

****

MICHAEL I listen to Anna cave. She can’t cave. That’s not part of the plan. In my head, I’m screaming as she talks about how River apologized to her. No! She’s supposed to hate him. She’s supposed to be leaning on me for support. She’s supposed to come to me not him.

Fuck! What the fuck is it going to take to get rid of this guy?!

The Alphas are all standing with their hands behind their backs. River is in the center, looking smug as ever. I’m trying to hide my fucking hatred because Anna is right beside me, but it’s damn hard.

I find Rez and Felix. "What's going on?" I whisper.

They both shrug.

River steps up. "Good morning! I trust everyone’s excited to get their ranks?" Growls and snickers float across the group.

"Good. You better be bright eyed and bushy tailed because these next few days will be about your ranks. We have seen you work in bits and pieces, now we want to see you pull it all together. We will be evaluating your performance. After you complete your training, your ranks will be delivered Friday morning."

People were mumbling their excitement.

River walks over to a bag and pulls out an air rifle.

He walks back, stops in his original spot and rests the but of the rifle on his hip. "Your final challenge will test your strategy, team work and combat skills. It's a three-day, friendly game of..." He aims the rifle and shoots three shots to Blades abdomen. "Paintball." He grins at Blade.

Blade lets out a groan and stumbles back. He looks down at the red paint all over his shirt and splashed on his face. River bites his lip, trying to hold back the laughter as Blade shoots daggers from his eyes at him.

I was crying, trying not to burst out laughing. Rez and Felix were in visible pain from trying to stay quiet as were many others in the group. It was a beautiful sight to see Sloan get creamed by paintballs.

Blade starts to growl. River throws up the gun. "Ok. Ok" He chuckles. He drops the gun, picks up a towel and tosses it to Blade.

Blade snatches it out of the air. "I'm gonna get you for that." He grits pointing at River.

River snorts. "Not today."

He turns to us and continues. "There will be two teams. Yellow and green. Your ammo is in there." He points to the forest. "You will only use your color. The way you play this, will be one of the deciding factors in your ranking. We will be with you. Observing and playing. Last one standing, after three days or less, will be the winner."

One recruit put up his hand. River nods. “What do we get if we win?"

"Good question." River says. He walks over to a bucket, picks something up and holds it behind his back. "For the tournament, you get bragging rights only. These..." He held up 3 red balls in his knuckles. "These are where the real prizes are."

He walked around with them. "In my hand, I hold three red paint balls. On them is one letter each...."

"The letter J...." He nods to Zeke.

“The letter S...." He nods to Blade, who's still trying to get the paint off his face.

"And the letter B...." He smiles. "These are the Alpha balls. They're hidden in there with your ammo. There's only three and it's anybody's game who gets them. You can only shoot the Alpha with the same letter on the ball. You nail one of us, you get one Friday off. You get two Alphas, it's two Fridays off. You nail all three of us...well, my friends, you just earned yourself an entire week off because that will be damn hard."

Gloating and chest pumping were felt through the crowd of recruits. The Alphas were being given sinister looks.

Zeke crossed his arms, staring them down. "Don't go thinking it's going to be easy because it won't be. Remember. We're playing too..." He walks up with a bucket holding blue balls. "This is our ammo. We hit you with one of these..." He struts up and down the line of recruits in the front, shaking the bucket as he goes. He stops and glares. "You’re ours for four hours after practice...for however many days left of the tournament..." He smirks at River and Blade and back to the recruits. "To do whatever we want." He walks back beside River.

River claps his hands. "Ok. Are there any questions?"

The crowd was silent.

"Alright." River put his hands on his hips. "Remember, this is a war game. So, prepare for war and get your gear."

He points to rows of duffle bags on the ground.

We all jogged to the bags. They had nametags in the handles. It was just a matter of finding your name.

I walk up and down the rows and finally found mine. I take it to the growing pile of recruits who have their bags.

Blade walks up. He removed his painted shirt and Zeke tossed him a fresh one. "Alright, once you have your bag, open it. Inside is a shirt. This is your team color. Put it on and divide into your teams."

I'm yellow, but Rez and Felix are green. I put it on and jog with my bag to my team. It's filled with guys I know, so I'm fist bumping and side clapping hands.

"Ok." Blade continues. "Check your weapon. These are standard issue air rifles. Your 'clip' holds twenty-five Paintballs. Once you're spent, you will need to get some from your team or hunt out more. Only use your color. The only other color you can use is red.

We all pull out our air rifles. One kid fired his accidently, hitting another in the back of the head.

The painted kid punched the other kids arm. "Hey!"

"My bad." The offender put up his hands.

Blade shakes his head. "Hands off the triggers until the game starts."

Zeke steps up. "Alright, you'll need team leaders. Choose wisely."

River stands between the groups. "On either ends of the training field, we've set up bases. These are your safe spots. No one can attack you here if you need to regroup. Now, you'll have the rest of the morning to plan out your roles and form a strategy then the game will begin."

He nods and we all separate to our bases.

As I walk to base, I see Anna lift a yellow shirt out of her bag.

Yes! There is a God after all.