Old Enough

Aren't I too old for this?

For the back and forth of children

To look at pictures now devoid of emotion

A face striking me meaningless

A smile which would elicit a laughter no longer recognizable

Aren't I too old for this to be a phase?

For this to be a cruel joke still kept secret through whispers

Carried through the rumor mill only to end up at my bedside

Late at night when caffeine courses through my veins and there is no escaping the repetitive thoughts

Isn't it half a decade too late

That my eyes still see substance where there is none

See beauty in humanity when all its done is tear me down

Strip me of my pride, my childhood, my confidence, my essence

Strip me of my fundamental human nature

Lay my bare bones to the gravel and bury me under my enemy's cemented grave

Isn't it half a decade too late

That shivers still course down my spine when I've eaten past 9 pm

When bile begins to emerge from my throat

When the churning of my stomach feels like the turning of elementary school heads

The palpitations of my heart reminiscent of when I thought I laid my last breath

Shouldn't I have grown past that?

Overlooked the bridges still in flames, the betrayals of kinship, the unsent karma

The scars from deep gashes, the profuse bleeding of my arms, the dark thoughts

The images of rainfall, of missing posters on the wall, the obsessiveness of thin-ness, what I thought was overt writing on the wall

The missed opportunities and regrets of slip of the tongue, regretting not slitting a finger

Regretting living thus far

Aren't I too old for all that?

Didn't I think I would no longer live like that?

Didn't all I want was to be happy, healthy, and carefree?

Didn't all I want be the bare minimum?

And yet isn't that still what I do not have?

Aren't I too old to not have that?

Written on: October 25, 2022 (11:31 pm)

Note: The college depressive episodes have begun baby! Can't wait for lucky therapist #3.