Forgive me father for I have sinned

Forgive me father for I have sinned

I find myself once again head over heels in love

With a foolish smile engulfing my face

A fiery ember in my soul

And to much of your dismay it isn't deemed "natural"

It isn't a feeling quite commonplace

It isn't a feeling likely to be reciprocated

But it's a feeling not even your holy water can wash away

If I follow this feeling I may be ousted

My tears may fall along a singular line once more

But the brightness in my face can no longer be hidden

Even if I try to hide it from her

Because all I crave is compassion

All I want is to be held close

I want to take her on the trolley and to the beach and explore

I want to know her whole family and more

I want to surprise her with presents and poems

I want her to know how much I truly care

I want her to know this feeling surpasses friendship

I want her to look back at me and say she's never wanted anything more

I want to live in this fantasy

I want this to become real

I want my head to accept this

I want something in my body to tell me these feelings are real

I want to be able to look into her eyes and truly determine

If this feeling of like is farfetched

If I've fallen along another desperate attempt at finding a savior

If I've convinced myself this is the only way out again

So then why am I only nervous around her?

Why is it that when we walk side by side, I want to hold her hand

That I see couples and I imagine us

I think about her every moment she's not here

My heart races when I know she's approaching

I don't dare let her see my insecure face

I don't want her to judge me

I want her to like me and say the forbidden phrase with her whole chest

And I'd pray to God to give me some sort of sign

But I've been told God isn't too keen on these feelings

I've heard people say acting according to my heart gets me to hell faster than my own shitty actions

And I remember all the times of the past when I was cornered

And their questions of who I liked

Of them saying they wouldn't judge me

But that one reaction to a misheard word made me know they lied

And what about her, if she knew this

It would ruin every aspect of her life

She would see me as disgusting

As a monster

And she would be right

So that's why this feeling isn't real

It can't be.

It's a lie.

I've been brainwashed or I'm confused or I'm making myself think this late at night

Yes! It was all TikTok

It's not like I was questioning this for years

It's not like I saw Jasmine in Aladdin and wondered why she made me feel something in that red suit

It's not like I thought of kissing a girl as more favorable than a boy in my youth

It's not like I got scared when I got to know a girl could like other girls

It's not like I obsessed over being labeled as "gay"

It's not like I micromanaged how people perceived me and made sure that was never the case

It's not like I was offended every time someone asked if I had a girlfriend

It's not like I haven't previously explored these thoughts

It's not like I thought I had accepted this

It's not like I thought about myself in love

It's not like there was this girl who I stared at in class

It's not like I wrote a few poems about her

It's not like I've seen girls and thought they were gorgeous

It's not like I've revisited certain scenes more than once

It's not like I find gay media comforting

It's not like I've bought clothes with messages of how being gay is okay

It's not like I love She-ra

It's not like I've been questioning for over a decade

So yes, I'll pray to God

I'll pray to send me a sign

A sign that I'm faking it and I'm losing it

A sign that I don't want to take her on a date

That I don't anxiously sweat when I'm near her

That I don't want to hang out when everyone's gone

That I don't want to lay across from her

That I don't want to lay my head on her chest

That my heart didn't skip a beat when I saw her

My face never burned a cherry red

I have never once stared at her in awe

I never once saw her as anything more than a possible friend

So, take back all I once said

Because dear lord I have not sinned

They say sinning is only if you act on it

So, I won't.

In fact, this never happened.

Written on: Sunday October 30, 2022