me

Author's note: A valentine's day special

Will I hold on to four years?

Let the rubble mount on top of my decrypted soul as I grow weak and my heart loses its tender touch?

Will I allow for the past to keep me burdened?

Let the salty sea wash over me but never wash away the sadness

Let it seep into the wounds but never clean off the dried blood

Will I ever take in the ocean and believe for a moment the exhale is all I need

There will be no follow up I do on purpose but rather a natural cue my body will respond to

Will I ever let myself live in peace?

Smile at others and admit to myself I'm not as bad as I've made myself to be

I am not the monster I have stapled myself to all these years

I am not the accumulation of my worst fears and worst actions

I am not the pretender or puppet master my brains tells me to see

I am only me.

But when will me be enough for me?

Did those four years forever change me?

Will I hold onto their four years to try and make myself believe I could've been something?

Rather than becoming the person I wish could've saved me?

These four years will I make continuous trips to the beach and walk away with nothing?

Momentary peace is not groundbreaking tranquility

It is not seeing me; it is not being me

It is merely avoiding me

And I refuse to remain lonely.

Let my arms extend past the rubble and look towards the light

Use my trips to the oceanside for a reason to fight

Let the scars heal through my body's will

Exhale when the salt burns but inhale when I know its left me clean

Let me act naturally

Let me hold onto four years that matter

Let me hold onto the person that is me.

Let me see the beauty in feeling me, being me, viewing me.

Let me be me.

Written on: Feb 14, 2023

back to the basics of learning to love...again.