Jealousy, Jealousy

Written: Oct. 2022

Is it bad I want you to feel bad for me

To say that you'll be there for me no matter what

Don't you think its right that I feel jealous?

That this feels just like high school wanderlust

Like sophomore year when I was too afraid to let you go

When I was too afraid to look myself in the eyes

Tell myself I'm not the same girl

Don't you think its fair I've laced myself with madness?

That the only things that flow freely are tears?

That my voice is hoarse and eyes are tree-frog red?

That I miss home?

I miss the past

Don't you think it makes sense I get upset?

That your life is so interesting I wish I could be there too

That you have the life I so desperately wanted

Recreational drugs with friends after school

Don't you think I'm frightened

By all the people I pass by

You have people inviting you to Santa Monica and coffee

I go to the hallway to cry

And the only person I talk to is my mom

And my roommates don't know me or who I am

They turn their headphones up and unknowingly ignore me

The plights and my strife and my draining thoughts

And don't you think its low-key fucked up?

That I'm stuck in a pre-college brain

That I wish and I hoped and for that I went fucking insane

Because I thought I'd be happy and friendly and admit to myself I'm gay

But I still think I like every boy I see

And I still tell myself no woman will ever see me

And I take low risks to reap high rewards

And all I wish for is some peace in my endless war

And how I really want therapy

And some nights I want to drown in unfinished work

And every conversation feels fruitless and done with

And I'd rather risk kidnapping through solitary wandering than lose more hope

So don't you think it should be upsetting

That I've never gotten better, just worse

And your stupid advice is more stupid than ever

I wish I could cut off you off and ignore you whenever

Because I don't want to hear how you're happy

How missing me doesn't hurt

Because I want you to feel broken

So we could be in the same boat

But people move on without you

You've moved on without me too

And one day I'll tell you how much I've hated those phone calls

Because your world was in the screaming color I thought I finally deserved