Girls

There was a period in my life that I believed girls were better than boys

They seemed icky and girls seemed warm

Asked who I'd rather kiss I paused knowing that boys was the "right" answer

And yet I felt inclined to say girls

That was the last time I ever thought twice with that answer

While my friends had celebrity crushes on 30 year old men

I stood to the side

Enamored by celebrities so beautiful and elegant

Their pretty hair and velvety dresses

Their angel lips and sweet scents

Oh how jealous was I, for why couldn't they be mine

Twitching at any closeness with a girl

Never able to say I love you because isn't that for me and a boy

Isn't that weird but why do the other girls say it without fear

Why do I only have this fear?

Enter high school

A deep blue sea

A girl I onced trusted with my heart but broke it

glaring back at me

The picture I burned back when we were 10

The thoughts of whether I was so angry because I loved her more than a friend

Without a best friend, girls I trusted that held my back

I mingled with people, blushing

unaware they had that effect

People asking, do you have a girl?

Taken aback, breathe halted

Why would you even say something along those words?

Was it because of my demeanor

Why did these men believe I could love a woman more than I could just appreciate her

And these thoughts echoed through my head

Why would they say that

Why

Does it seem like I would ever give it a try

Research into sexuality

Tests every night

Is she attractive

Do I feel a flutter in my heart

Who is she?

And why do I think she looks hot?

But is it all just a ploy?

Do I just want to be confused about something more

And then this girl

In my psychology class

Her hair is pretty

Bright smile like his

The same aura

The same way she could make me blush in real life when I met her back then

When I was all over this guy

Yeah, that one guy who left

So this thing in my mind

About who I like and love or have the potential of having them in my life

Spurred on and helped by TV shows with representation

Yet still confused because my head is only what I make it

Girls

By which any other name would sound as sweet

Flawless souls, knowing I'd melt to have one just inches in front of me

With one sole purpose

To adore and keep

But this is just a poem

And it has nothing to do with me

Written on Jan 15th, 2021

A/N: just remembering that one time my crush asked if I was a lesbian because I was talking about Hamilton ships and valentines day when a teammate asked me "do you have a special guy..." *looks at me closer* "..or girl. I don't judge"