March 1st

This wasn't how it was supposed to go

This isn't where I wanted to be

I can't believe I'm still stuck at home

I'm still not done processing

It's almost been a year

Becoming the person I never thought I'd be

And while others keep on chugging on

I'm stuck in a jail in Monopoly

I watch as others keep on playing the Game of Life

While I'm stuck feeling SORRY!

Can't compare apples to oranges

But it's hard not to when that's how you've been conditioned to think

Last year I was still running

Pretending it made me feel good

Living for the hope of it all

That eventually I'd go back to feeling like a normal teen

Getting off on revenge and what they claimed was my "destiny"

But feeling destroyed with feeling alone and empty

Crying on the walk home and screaming at the top of my lungs

Sucking it up because I had no time to lose and nothing mattered more than being a letter grade or being #1 in a sport

Flash forward to now when all I do is write poetry in bed

Reflecting on the past that in the moment I blocked off and hid in the back of my head

Memories I had forgotten until recently

Warning signs I wish I would've taken much more seriously

But who could've predicted

That a pandemic would take away everything

And while I know I shouldn't blame myself for everything

I blame myself for everything I didn't do

I tell myself I could've tried harder

But how could I if all I did was hide in my room

And sometimes I think I had everything

Nothing to make me feel sad

I feel it's all in my head

And I just make up excuses to bring attention I wish that I had

But other times I peel back the layers

Like that afternoon I broke down to one of the counselors

The anxiety between classes

And breaking apart before and after practice

It's almost been a year

It should've given me time to get better

But I haven't

And 1 year only means "normalcy" is getting closer and I'll have to face the mirror

And I can't imagine going back to school

To look at the kids I've grown up with

Knowing they won't look at me the same

And I can't imagine March progressing past the 6th

When conditioning returns and the fear of missing out hits

Speculating on whether the cross kids will wonder why after never missing practice

I finally decided to quit

I think of how they'll have the same reaction they had just a year prior

That I was too lazy and that I just wasn't strong enough

And the twins who might comment that it's because I've gained weight

Even though one of them knows my story

And both of them know me from when I was at my lowest weight

Today is March 1st

Only 12 more days until it's been a year

Since that faithful day

The last day I looked at myself in that locker room mirror