You Tried

You did your best

You tried your hardest

To keep me on your team was harder than you thought it

The remind notifications and the constant updates on our school's Instagram story

The student to coach engagement and trying to give me a challenge by putting me on varsity

It truly seemed you wanted the best for me even while I was trying to find a way to distance myself from the team

That zoom meeting on my birthday

May 13th

Calling it a meeting when it was closer to a surprise birthday party

It was so sweet of them and I'll always wonder who orchestrated it

I don't think I ever told anyone of my birthday

Much less that I'd think of celebrating

So awkward that day

But nonetheless it made me feel loved

Yet at the same time it felt kind of guilt-trippy

We wasted time for you, so go out and run for us

The summer zoom meetings

Where I was the first to attend

Early to avoid any suspicions that I was less motivated than the rest of them

I smiled and laughed and pretended I was fine

They'd smile and laugh back and they did everything right

They offered those meetings as a weekly support, but it just made me feel worse because I felt I wasn't doing my part

I think we all knew that if we were to meet in person I would be in charge

What a sucky captain I would've been, had I not quit while thinking of offing myself off

And the support you gave right after I cried out

That I had been suffering all alone

In the quiet darkness of my house

Telling me to stay connected

Not to wander off too far

"Don't be a stranger"

But I am one

You've never known me at all

And now how you send others to know if I'll join

I said no to cross country

And I'll say no to spring sports

You tried your best

You really did

But your best was not enough to overturn my reactionary emotions

Just like you'll never know if I'll return next fall

I don't think I can guarantee I'll ever return at all

Written: March 5, 2021