Where are you now?

Years ago I burned our picture

The frame that you gave me no longer lingers

The anger and spite that I had against you no longer lives

Like a flame on a candle eventually it burned out and in turn led to darkness

The memories of us that no longer light up when I hear the word "friend"

I unfollowed first but I never thought you would act on it

Sometimes when I'm lost I look towards your page

I erased all my words on your message board

I made it seem like my existence never entered your space

Sometimes I wonder

Where are you now?

How have you changed?

Not just physically but from the girl who I told almost everything

I remember the awkwardness of seeing you in the library freshmen year

I'd avoid your gaze

My own was engulfed with fear

I don't think I saw you that sophomore year

I was too busy to think about the past

It had been almost 4 years since we spoke last

Now as a junior I think on what's been done

Reflecting on the fact that next year is our last

I remember believing that we were forever

That we were best friends and the love we had would never be threatened

I blamed myself so much those years

That I left you

And in return you left me in a puddle of tears

I would regret so much those measly middle school days

Never felt enough for you

Never thought we'd go back to having each other's backs one day

My memory falters each time I hear your name

I can't imagine hearing your name on the graduation stage

And there's no point in thinking about you now

We both made our decisions

Yours especially profound

Not in words or images, but your silence was killer

Sometimes I wonder if you even read what made me drift away

Did you bother to understand why I felt that way?

And I know I was intense

And sometimes I still am

I hope that the people you hang with now

you're able to deal with even when they're down

And I don't write to hurt you

That isn't my intent

But sometimes I think back

On all the words that were never sent

I'm not sorry for my feelings

I shouldn't have ever said that

But I'm sorry for what I said

And I'm sorry for that resentment

And I don't know why sometimes you still appear in my dreams

My love for you was something that I'd never seen

And I know it wasn't romantic

Even though I know it was love

Maybe the reason I hold on

Is because since then, I've never trusted someone enough

I've never loved someone like I did you

I've never felt friendship like the way I did with you

So where are you now?

I ask in desperation

Can we make up somehow?

I ask despite never truly having a falling out

Can we catch up on the years our bond went missing?

Can I ever be something to you? Anything to you?

I shake my head

...No

You never think of me

I know you don't

You don't give a flying fuck

I know that's true enough

If you ever did

You'd TRY to call

You'd TRY like I tried

You'd CRY like I cried those years

You'd AVOID me like I did to you

To prevent my hurt from spreading

To prevent my scars from going back into deeply gashed wounds

To prevent my relapse from being connected to missing you

And maybe there's something in this puzzle that I haven't unlocked

And maybe it's something that no matter how much I think on it,

It'll never be enough

And I know this poem is kind of fucked up

Because despite all the time that's passed

Nothing has ever felt enough

AND I KNOW

like I knew these past 5 years

Even if I knew where you were

It wouldn't be the same

As those care-free elementary years

Maybe it's just curiosity

that passes when I see your ID picture

Maybe it's just being so alone in this pandemic this past year that makes me wish for something that felt more like comfort, like home

Maybe it's a self defense mechanism

Regression

but only wanting to return to be with one person a bit more...

But if you're ever around

And you think maybe you still care

I'm always here

Real love doesn't disappear

Written on: March 7, 2021

A/N: I don't even know anymore. 2016 --> 2021.

I am so fucked in the head. If I read this I don't know how I would feel. But I guess this is just the manifestation of a year of being alone. And a year of just thinking about the past. How everything feels like an alternate reality of what should've been my year.