AU (TW)
☆Faith☆ (A Series Of Poems)
Trigger Warning: talk of eating disorders/weight/suicide
In an alternate universe
where would I be?
In an alternative universe
would I still be suffering?
In what alternative universe
would it be you and me?
In what alternative universe
would my heart feel as empty?
In an alternative universe
would I still be going to therapy?
Problems still big enough that every little thing affects me?
Not just the weight of my problems
But the weight of my past
The weight of my body
The weight of their laughs
In an alternative universe
would my sexuality be less pressing?
Taking quizzes and experimenting with the mass media the internet provides me
In an alternative universe
would the virus run by?
Would I have stayed in school?
Would my bingeing have gotten worse?
In that alternate universe
where would I be?
15 pounds slimmer
But eating my feelings
In what alternative universe
Is my life as fragile as glass
Or did I already live that one
Each time worse than the last
I feel as though every year is an alternative universe
The one where I worked out so much that I became a sickly stick
The one where I had so many friends that it didn't hurt to leave them at the end
The one where I ran 26.2 miles
The one where I was a superstar and was praised for being a shell of myself
The one that November that I wanted to overdose
Experimenting with extra tylenols and antidepressants and wanting to down a wine bottle when no one was home
The one where I was experimenting with my sister's edibles
Emotions so intense I thought I would tell her I might be into girls
The one where the cop told us to leave the beach
The one where I spent the whole day crying in my sleep
The one where I lost my mind over a boy
The one where I spent my days running and got harassed by a man in a pick-up truck
The one where I went to work every week
Had no weekends or summertimes but got to be with my family and developed a hardworking spirit
The one where I wrote fan fictions about real kids
The one where I thought having a best-friend was everything
So many lives I feel I have lived
Yet they're all the same ones and there's so many I haven't lived
Maybe there's an AU
where the girl gets the guy
where a girl figures out she's actually bi
Maybe there's an AU where the girl no longer needs help
She might relapse from time to time
But she never feels so bad that she has thoughts of killing herself
Maybe there's an AU
where the girl no longer fears her weight
stable enough to go to the beach
Crop-tops for days
Maybe there's an AU
where she finally feels at home
maybe finds herself in college
maybe she makes a name for herself
Maybe there's an AU that ends up being reality
Maybe there's a day where the girl doesn't feel empty
And maybe this shift in life is just around the corner
The spring she turns 17
Or maybe the summer she moves out
The summer she'll leave her eastside small town
And find out who and what she likes
Open minded and aware
That things won't stay bad forever
And with every good AU there's one where things have gone even worse
At least in this one
she can somehow still smile at the mirror
Written: March 9, 2021