She Tried (TW)

Trigger Warning: eating disorders

Absolutely do not read if you struggle with body image issues, eating, symptoms of or behaviors belonging to eating disorder

When she first got hurt

Her eyes began to produce tears

The dark brown of her sockets glistening

Her eyelashes gluey and sticky like the liquid running out of her nose

Either from falling or jumping across couches she deemed countries

Or from a mean name someone called her at school

But with the help of her friends and the hug of her family

These little matters would seem no more

She'd just dust off her knees and continue as if her bruise was not bleeding

But once it became a pattern

And tears became snag remarks and rage

Those she thought loved her had left her

Yet when they did it felt nothing had changed

And when she couldn't stop the tears

And when she couldn't stop the pain

She turned to a therapist

She thought she could fix her brain

But she got out too early

She got out too soon

The feelings were still persistent

They just had less control over her behavior and overall mood

So she went on with life

Some days she would cry

Some weeks she'd feel down

Some months all she wanted to do was cry out

But she didn't reach out

She tried to help herself

If only she knew

the feelings would get stronger every second she wouldn't speak out

So the feelings became overwhelming

And she began to feel too much

The rage pent up was explosive

He happened to recieve the punch that was given out

And yet this time she was in therapy

She thought she would get better soon

But with every week that passed, it seemed she was getting closer to the past

The darkness she was once consumed by

The emptiness that could stop her from feeling too much

The constant leg bounces

The surveillance in the mirror

Not sleeping just to stay up crying

Nausea that washes hunger away

The only escape that came from working out

When nothing else could go her way

Control over food meant control over weight

Control over weight meant control over those who can see my face

Now they'll love and care for me

Now they won't ever leave

She tried the good way

Now the bad way is here to stay

Written on: April 8, 2021

It's 12:25 am and I am feeling numb. I might be entering my 3rd relapse of my eating disorder. This time under therapy! What a horrible accomplishment to achieve. I'm so ashamed but it's just so hard. I feel like therapy isn't working and that I'm a lost cause.