How I'm Feeling

You ask me how I'm feeling

How I adjusted to this new view

Staring at a screen

The headaches and eye strain that ensue

A life without the brightness

That came from a sunny afternoon

Sitting with friends while eating

And running with a few

The activities that once saved me

That now I seem to dread

Having lost faith in the beauty of all the effort I once put in

Feeling so exhausted at coming back to the PC

hours after hours

Schoology and Zoom have consumed me

The grades on my transcript

Meant to portray my effort

Yet all they show are the hardships

The trials and tribulations of what the last year has presented

Yet they still compliment me on how I've persevered

This unexpected dent

A pause in my childhood

Growth without any guidance or direction

A loss in support

A loss in motivation

You can see it in the data

You can hear it in conversation

Less calls to friends

Less friends to make calls to

The busyness of bees

But there's no colony to come home to

Having not seen someone my age in over a year

What happened to my sweet 16?

What happened to the experiences of my teenage years?

The little things I miss

Like pep rallies and dances I told myself I'd never go to

Heading into the auditorium during advisory and hearing people speak over the presenter

Seeing people I know in the halls and saying "hi"

Even trying to ignore crushes but always feeling that same buzz when they'd walk by

The awkwardness that would sometimes linger in class

The jokes and the fun and trying to recall everything I'd studied last night for

Conversations with teachers and conversations with staff

Being told to grab an apple and putting in a pin number my brain somehow never lacked

Looking for a table but resorting to a bench

The wind that would spur little tornadoes of trash

Everything that felt like nothing

The things I believed I would never look back at

Walking to school and walking back home

The rush of practice

The rush of racing and sharing jokes

The attitudes and perspectives that could take you so far

The fatigue that came from trying so hard

What grounded me and helped me stay sane

Doubts I pushed away due to the smile plastered on my face

With the last memories being that time in school

The voice of the loudspeaker

Whispers saying "I'll see you soon"

They said 2 weeks

I didn't know 2 weeks would become over a year

I didn't know everything I felt then

So many other people were feeling too

This feeling of outrage

Not knowing what's next

Event after event cancelled

A new normal that no one could've predicted

Anxiousness of being put in a breakout room

Where not everyone wants to volunteer

Turning things in late

Music erupting and blasting in your ear

Late nights typing

And early mornings to read

Getting lost on YouTube and forgetting about scholarly duties

Being tempted at "leave meeting"

Being tempted to stay quiet

Not wanting to show your face

Feeling so detached from the person you were when you smiled for your I.D. that day

Screen to screen is not eye to eye

Typing on a computer isn't the same as writing on a line

Leaning online is not learning in person

The things that one misses

Is what made learning all worth it

And the issues that came from all this time alone

A spike in new feelings

Like panic and feeling desperately alone

So many more calls to hotlines and help websites

The effects of a world where being together can bring funerals and hospitalization

Begging for a teacher's understanding at 1:00 a.m.

Changes in hair color and style choices and regulating emotions

Deciding it's time to finally get help

Where professionals remind you

You're not facing this alone

So many others feel the same way

Things taken from them

Or replaced in a lackluster way

And it feels like forever since I last felt okay

And it's good to remember I won't always feel this way

A year isn't a lifetime

And quarantine will soon be gone

It'll be back to school and maybe one day it'll feel like nothing was ever wrong

So you ask me how I've adjusted

Am I compatible with this new view?

No, but I'm surviving

And I hope everyone else is surviving too

I'm not sure who I've become

But I know I'm not the person I once was

Times have been trying

So know wherever you are

You are enough

Written: Sometime in early March or early April