Falling Back In (TW)
☆Faith☆ (A Series Of Poems)
A/N: I'm not sure if this really flows, but in my head it does, so there.
Trigger Warning: Eating Disorders
You don't see their outlines taunting you
The flashbacks in which I cried and refused to hold my body tight
The pieces left hanging and the grip of my fingers
The piercing of my nails and the tugs at my falling hair
The thinning of what lay on my head
The growth on my arms and stomach
The shivers like ghosts passing
The cold of being left for dead
No need to think such negative thoughts in the morning
No need to stare at everything I used to be and everything that I've now consumed
The wiggles of jello and the wiggles of cold and hardened broth
The oil that secretes from my pores and the water that secretes from my forehead and erupt following feelings of lumps of the throat
The bounces of anxiety remind me of the bounces of 2016
refusing to sit still
believing the calories would accumulate if I didn't keep it moving
a new style won't help me
a new hair color means nothing
the growth and the cuts and the bangs don't leave me feeling anything
Leaving you meant nothing if I can't hold myself up on my own
knowing who I am means nothing if I can't bear to give myself any worth
The problems I have have never been straightforward
because there is so much that lays underneath
the boundaries are help up so high
If you're a professional and you can't help me
what luck do I have in helping myself learn to thrive
what lies for me in the future when the only guarantee is death
what gives me the strength to move forward
When I bitched away at all the people I had left
turn this pain from emotional to physical
let the hurt take over my wounds
everything I've lost and everything I threw away
let the sweat and the tears take over my brain
my anger left insatiable
irritable enough that a fallen penny leads to waterworks
void enough to ignore others
void enough to ignore my deeply rooted struggles
Cry and whine
Swim then sink
the ocean above me
the pills i take in
Written on: April 20, 2021
A/N: Obvious to say, I am not doing well. I didn't have therapy this week and I can't believe I already feel so low. Guess this shows how much therapy has worked. :(
I remember the first time I entered treatment I felt like it worked right away. Maybe it's because now the help doesn't feel as concentrated on one thing. Now it's all about anxiety, but I haven't even learned ways on how to cope or help myself. And now I'm not feeling very anxious, now I just feel so depressed and hopeless. It's a cycle of negativity and not knowing how to cope.