High to stop the Tears
☆Faith☆ (A Series Of Poems)
My hands no longer shaking
My voice no longer meek
Instead my heart keeps on beating
The tears continue to flow out of me
That night I spent hours crying
On the carpet of my room
The dirt mixed with the wet of my eyes
Swollen like a golf ball or two
Those summer nights laying
On the floor of a make-way driveway
The mosquitos biting my ankles
the bumps on skin from underneath my middle-school branded shorts
The songs and the memories
Holding hand in hand
Nobody knowing
Those nights were only to stall my death
Something as simple as not leaving on time
The tightness in my chest
Like pining after a lover
When your lover is already dead
Coming home to wind and harshness
The winter placed in spring
Holding yourself tight because your younger self never could
Holding yourself tight because your body would fall apart if you didn't wrap yourself into a cocoon
Never knowing why you feel this way
Never knowing why its been years
They always say it gets better
Then why does everyday get worse?
It seems there is no cause
It seems there is no solution
Maybe it's because I hate my therapist
Maybe it's because she never offers solutions
I reframe my thinking
I rewire my brain
But I constantly still feel empty
I look back to try to attribute that to the pain
Shit that no longer bothers me
I tell myself to bring up
Maybe that's why I feel so numb
Cry for hours because the soul has never felt good enough
So there I am with my headphones
Innocent by Taylor Swift
Wasn't it easier in elementary?
When the bullies and the worries weren't shoved in my face
When my brain didn't replay them
When my brain didn't tell me all the times I fucked up
When it didn't tell me I should leave everyone
Ghost and block because I don't deserve to meet the one
Hours past and songs played
The mucus falls and the mucus sprays
The dirty sweatshirt dirty once more
Add it to the pile of underpriced clothes
Full of tears and sweat and dirt
Layered with memories of the loss of people who I haunt as a chore
A leaky faucet
It never stops dripping
So I turn to recreation
And the bits keep on getting bigger
Highness turns to euphoria
TV seems so strange
It feels good to watch something funny
It feels good to not feel guilty about the shit that I eat
Curse him in the shower and curse her before I sleep
Watch myself a few years ago
How did I make it without weed?
So afraid to speak
So afraid to make a noise
Loved for only what I gave
What I could provide to make others feel safe
It was never about who could help me
It was never about why was I avoiding them today
It's always do this and this to help yourself when you don't even know my time and place
It's always so stupid advice that's meaningless
It's always how can I help you
It's always stupid info-graphs with big bold fonts instead of giving me space to talk and build up the nerve
It's always turn to therapy
It's never turn to drugs
Therapy with the higher recovery rate but even the placebo can do me so much
So shit gets worse and I get fed up
Fall back to binges and then struggle to get back up
Avoid therapy and can't find a new one with my current luck
Avoid you and block them and now I'm all alone in my house
No pills to overdose on because the Tylenol is all gone
No alcohol to consume because her depressing breakup days are long gone
So steal her edibles and tell everyone to fuck off
I'm better off alone
High on the fact that I lived long enough to try to kill myself on purpose at least once
Written on: April 26, 2021