Happiness

You say all you want is my happiness

Then why is that so hard to achieve?

Why is it so hard to see myself succeed?

The least I could do for you is give into your last need

I can't even control my emotions

I'm tied down by a rock as the waves crash against me

It threatens to drown me. But I fight back.

I've been fighting against the current for 5 years

I don't know how much longer I can handle this

I try to shake off the shackles

But I've never been given the key

Those who try to save me fail

They get close, but the waves attack them when I'm weak

They lash and throw them back, creating a whirlpool in which they can no longer return to me

Any my pride is too big to shout out at the world

Afraid to disturb the peace they've gained after leaving me

So I hold onto the rock alone

With those curious who pass by

They do not see the shackles. To them they're invisible.

Below the water they cannot see

Tied down by negativity and intrusive thoughts

The ones I cannot turn off no matter how hard I try and goddamn it I try. Oh how I try.

So they think I'm having fun in a wading pool. They think I have it figured out.

They don't see the internal bleeding

The crevice in my soul. The tatters in my heart. The expansion and shrinkage of my stomach depending on the tide.

See it as selfishness for not wanting to leave the darkness. Oh how I'd run as fast as I could if I had the chance. If I had the key. If I knew the way out.

And I've tried escape routes. I've tried to shimmy out of the chains.

My body only grows weak

My motivation lessens

My will depletes

So I remain trapped

I block the world out everytime I get knocked out by the wind or sand is thrown in my face

I fall until I stand up again. I stand until I fall.

The cycle never ends

I just want it to stop once and for all.

I want it to end please. I'm tired of being seen as who I am now. I have nothing to look forward to.

What is happiness but a fleeting moment?

Written on: April 29, 2021