I'm not better (fuck)
☆Faith☆ (A Series Of Poems)
I thought I was better
You think I'm all good
She said I looked happy
He said I looked good
But I haven't changed
I still feel the same
The same dread, the same pain
The same tiredness and large frame
I thought leaving would help
Leaving you was all I needed
I thought I'd go back to being myself
Before the boy, before the heartache
Before I trembled in your presence
Self critiques whispering in my ears
Before the endless comparisons
Crying all those endless tears
Screaming and fighting and punching at the wall
Screaming and crying and wishing I was dead that fall
No nothing seems to change
Still I lie in my room
Still I lie to myself
That I feel happy and I feel good
Still I shout at the ceiling, shout obscenities at my past mistakes
The people who once hurt me
Who I hurt back in different ways
Still I cannot seem to stop it
When the feelings gradually rise up
The food is like a toxin
But I can't manage to give it up
Is it heroin or is it coke?
Both leave me feeling high as fuck
Only to realize I'm still a joke
I haven't learned or even grown
He's still so right
He's still in my brain
Poem him says I'll never change
"Not for the better anyways"
Written on: October 19, 2021