I hate this (and me)

I hate my hair

and i hate my clothes

a size too small

and my hair isn't short enough

im my own worst enemy

i cannot seem to put down the knife

or the fork

or the spoon

still shove food into my face because i can never hate myself enough

because i'm my own worst enemy

im the reason for every crash and burn

every downfall and every breakdown

my sadness is tied to no one but myself

it feels like my brain is broken

all the chemicals are not being released

still taking vitamin d

but it seems what i'm lacking doesn't come naturally

serotonin means happy

but i never feel happy enough

Starting to rely on that sugar high

but it leaves me angry and wanting to throw stuff

and then i throw my shoes at the wall

I get breathless and red

my lungs flare up like i'm a runner from back then

like i just smoked hella blunts

nicotine leaving me feeling fresh and young

still screaming about the betrayal

but all i do is betray myself

all that inner conflict is between my ego and my lack of self

still have no confidence

still pretend im doing okay

still laugh and smile in the faces of others

guess my acting skills only develop at the right times

because remember when i would come home screaming

remember when id lay on that dog bed

when id curse him in the shower

when i couldn't sleep because of all the negative thoughts in my head

when i ate until i wanted to kill myself

i wanted to shove my finger up my throat

and id burp and burp until i felt food come out

but i would never throw up because i knew i couldn't help myself

and when i broke down to the counselor

and i just ripped up the note instead

and i never told my parents

i just laughed it off with him instead

and he told me he'd be a shoulder to cry on

and a year later i spit in his face

and even when he told me he cared for me

its like i still rub it in his face

and remember when i begged at my camera

and i asked myself what was the point to still live

when i called myself a nobody

and said id be better off dead

or when i asked myself how i did it

a world closed off from the public

i couldn't move

i couldn't breathe

id stay frozen in place

i didn't know how to love

i didn't know if i could move on

forgive and forget seemed like a ritual long gone

she wonders if i still haven't changed at all

now that i think back

i wonder the same thing

have i even changed

will I always feel this same hate?

Written on: October 20, 2021