Chapter 159: Chapter 81.1

she could see the light slowly returning in his dreamy eyes. his blue eyes, which were looking somewhere other than her, finally landed on her face.

“yernia.”

she sighed with relief after searching cassian’s face and looking into his blank eyes that couldn’t seem to get out of the fantasy.

“cassian, had you finally come to your senses?”

“…….”

“do you recognize me?”

she heard cassian call her name a while ago, but she still needed to confirm it. what yernia heard and felt earlier was all an illusion. feeling anxious that cassian might still be struggling in it, yernia felt herself being dragged away somewhere.

“ah!”

the sudden force pulling yernia’s arm made her body roll forward. she expected to plant her face on the ground but she realized that cassian was the one pulling her so she immediately relaxed. yernia, who fell into his arms, sighed and stayed still. cassian held her in a  tight embrace that she felt like she was attached to him from head to toe.

forced to rub her face against his neck, yernia murmured. “i can’t breathe!”

feeling ticklish, cassian tilted his head to the side and loosened his embrace to give her some space to breathe. no words were uttered as yernia waited for cassian to calm down. she grew worried when he remained still in the snow while hugging yernia.

“your back must be cold.”

it was a bad idea to do in this situation.

why did cassian refuse to stand in his military uniform?

“cassian, aren’t you cold?”

“…….”

“you’ll catch a cold like that.”

he was silent even as she tried to argue with him. thinking that he might have fallen asleep, yernia caressed cassian’s chest. the instant he slightly lifted his upper body, their eyes immediately met.

“yernia.” cassian whispered weakly as if the aftermath of the hallucination had totally zapped his strength. his thin face looked like it belonged to a different person, and his deep blue eyes were watery.

“yes?”

yernia looked him square in the eye.

“i saw you die.”

“…….”

“you died in front of me.”

his cracked voice sounded sorrowful. the myriad of dark emotions that cassian must have felt weighed down yernia’s heart. if she had seen him die, yernia wouldn’t have been able to hold out just like the current cassian. maybe, the hallucination he experienced was harder than hers and it hurt her even more.

“i attacked you.”

“…….”

“i thought it was an illusion”

rather, it was an attack because he hoped it was a lie. nevertheless, his powers didn’t work when he tried to prove it false. even after confirming that fact, cassian couldn’t come to his senses. strangely enough, it felt like someone was controlling his brain. eventually, he attacked yernia. not the hallucination but the real one.

cassian’s face crumpled as he choked up. “i love you.”

yernia felt like she was about to burst into tears as she tightly hugged cassian’s neck. “it’s all right.”

“what?”

“i don’t mind it if you attacked me.”

her back hurt, but it was fine. it wasn’t even that painful compared to the helplessness and heartbreak that cassian must have felt. the bruise would heal and that’s it.

“why are you always saying that you’re fine?” cassian muttered as he hugged her tighter. snow was falling over their heads.

“since we were young right until now, i never wanted to blame you for getting hurt because of me. are you alright?”

“at times like this, you should have cursed and hit me.” he sounded so furious that she almost couldn’t recognize him. “hurt me as much as i hurt you, yernia.”

“i don’t want to. you didn’t do it because you wanted to.”

the fact that he attacked her as a child because he couldn’t control his powers and that he attacked her again because he thought she was a hallucination couldn’t be entirely attributed to his will.

“this doesn’t even hurt.”

it was a lie, but cassian wouldn’t know. yernia could tell more lies for cassian’s sake. cassian’s existence was too great and too precious for her to get him defeated just because of her injuries.

“you don’t have to feel guilty for no reason. don’t do that. if you do that… it’s going to break my heart”

cassian was silent as tears trickled down his face. yernia, who didn’t witness it, repeatedly said that she was alright in cassian’s ear. his limp arm slowly tensed. it wasn’t until cassian had rubbed his eyes on yernia’s shoulder that she realized he was crying.

“i– i don’t want to lose you.” he admitted sincerely.

yernia hugged cassian tightly and remained in that position until he regained his composure.

***