0.60|when walking away|

Song: Stay by Rihanna

0.60|from Sabah's first draft: when walking away|

Auburn walked out of the cafe, feeling relieved, as if a huge weight had been lifted off her chest and she could breathe again. Not telling Carlotta and Anthony about her past had been a subconscious decision, never really ventured upon in her mind but always deferred in conversations. There, she thought as she stepped down from the pavement, now they knew.

She hadn't thought about this moment even though she had always been fearful of it. The moment in which two of her closest friends would find the truth about her, would come to know that she was a coward, but now she did. She flinched from the image of them talking about her, discussing her, inside the warmth of the cafe while the cold winds touched her numbed face outside.

She shivered but it wasn't that cold. Her body rocked from the familiar sensation of fear, of doubt, of being out-of-place, always, always alone and unbelonged. Relief was overpowered by the urge to run, to leave this behind, to walk away rather than stay because staying meant pain, separation gave her distance, even though it hurt. The effort would be too much and would only worsen things. Oh how she knew the cycle of love and loss, she'd seen it too much and all too soon.

Leaving wasn't hard for her. It came to her like second nature. Tickets, visas, house changes, a couple of calls, she could handle them with detached ease. Detachment. Yes, the word defined her struggle and the struggle would never end because unknown to her she was seeking detachment from herself, from the parts of her that weren't all too pretty, that didn't fit, that lay too entangled with life's messes, that were broken beyond repair, and every time she pulled away, she tightened the knot around her neck like a stubborn noose.

It was the afters that would haunt her. They always did. Settled somewhere else, she missed all she had lost due to her own hands and she would tell herself not to cry about it. The unshed tears fought in her throat, little things would remind her of the people she hadn't even said a goodbye to, nights would scream at her telling her they were better off without her. She'd lock it all inside her little heart and tell herself not to get too close to anyone or anything anymore. Because she'd only have to leave it behind one day.

Then why didn't it work today? Why couldn't she just switch it off? Why did her feet feel like lead, every step an effort, every breath an invitation to stay? She stopped suddenly as she realized something with shock.

She didn't want to leave. Not them. Not this time.

She laughed more out of shock than anything else. She wanted to stay. Sometimes staying back and letting the view wash you over is more precious than jumping off and learning to fly, especially if all you've ever done your life is fly. Flap and flight. You get tired after some time. Stop and stare. You got to hold your ground and fight for it sometimes.

She loved this little side-street. She loved the pavement. She loved the peeling gold paint on the wooden sign announcing Carlotta's Coffee Shop. She loved the glass windows and the glass door which would swing with tinkle of wind chimes. She loved the smile Carlotta gave her every day, as if she was just happy that Auburn came back. And yes, she loved Anthony, his awkwardness, his little mannerisms, how he blushed around her, how he would burst into epiphanies for no reason, how he-and now she was crying, again, but it was the good kind of letting go, the kind that Greek theatre talked about- how he had told her he loved and how she had been nothing but awful in return.

She needed them and, her head was still wrapping around the idea that they needed her. How could she have even thought of leaving? Carlotta, sweet, beautiful, loving, funny Carlotta had just begun to skip in between her walks. She needed Auburn as much as Auburn needed her. If Carlotta had given Auburn a hint of what it would have been to have the affections of a mother, Auburn had given her an opportunity to feel what it would have been to have a daughter. She couldn't leave Carlotta without helping her look for her daughter. It was worth the effort. Staying was worth it.

And shy, humble, nervous, beautiful Anthony didn't even know half of how amazing he was. He lived under the shadow of his elder brother, he didn't even complain, he just believed he wasn't good enough when he was so good. He needed to be told that when he played on the field, he was his best person, he was strength, confidence, wind itself, that when he smiled the whole world seemed much better, that he was like a small shard of sunlight that warmed the whole room, everyone huddled around him, that she craved his touch, his lips, his words, that one day when he would reach for his hair and look away nervously, she'd kiss him right there and mess up his hair herself. Oh God, it must have taken him so much courage to tell her about his feelings especially when she was always aloof, when in reality she was just scared of getting too close only to lose him. If she needed him in her life, he needed her too. So what if he didn't have family over for his important games, she was there and so was Carlotta.

Family wasn't always blood, sometimes family was a middle-aged crazy woman who threw eggs at little children and a young man who strolled art museums with you and ordered the weirdest-sounding food on the menu. And home, home wasn't necessarily a house with a picket white fence but maybe, just maybe, if you were at the right time, at the right place, it was a dingy little, side-street coffee shop in Madrid.

You could be anyone, the type who want to wander but never do, the type who wander, sometimes lost, the type who want to stay, the type who have nowhere to stay, you will find your own coffee shop. It could be a bench in the park, your bed, the dining room where you squabble over the food, the odd board game you once played with cousins; any place that makes you feel whole no matter how irreparably broken you otherwise thought yourself to be.

Auburn Ivy, walked back for the first time in her life. She didn't know whether it was going to turn out all fine in the end, she didn't know if courage would fail her at the next step, she didn't know anything except the fact that she had been her happiest here and with them.

As the door swung open, the wind-chimes tinkling faintly, the draught of warm air meeting her skin, the sound of chairs being expectantly drawn back, falling on the floor, the happy tears and smiles in their eyes were worth it all.

***

Thank you for being patient with this story. It is your patience which results in this story having hardly any plotholes and typos.

Aubony is progressing along nicely, ya? Upcoming chapters will now focus more on Anthony's life and backstory so stay tuned.

Also, A HUGE THANKS FOR THESE LOVELY GRAPHICS

by the _Lost-Cause_

by the_teenybopper_20

I love them so much, you two. You're both amazing. Ily 💜

And that's it for now, folks. Don't forget to vote and comment at your fav parts x