0.26|when missing someone|

0.26|from Sabah's recorded notes: when missing someone|

"What's wrong with Anthony these days?" I asked Auburn as we sat in the cool kitchen listening to some Spanish songs on the radio.

It had been a couple of weeks since we'd been alone again. Alone with each other. After Gordon, something had changed amongst us. We stick together more often. Anthony and I rallying around Auburn. It wasn't something we did on purpose but looking back I can see that it must have been apparent and quite worrisome to Auburn. If this is true, Auburn never let on.

She didn't want to go back to that incident at all. The way she had crumbled and nearly fallen apart, the way her life had been torn raw and naked in front of us, us who had had no idea of her past beyond what she had told us and what little we could have imagined.

Yes, it is strange yet true, that contrary to popular misconception us humans do live in the present. The past is like dirty laundry, kept aside until one really needs to wash away the grime and dirt. The future is so out of sight that we can only dream. It made me wonder what all didn't I know about Anthony too? It made me wonder what all I had subconsciously hidden from these two? And what all you lie unaware of as you sit here day after day listening to a story so wholly not about you.

Auburn sighed, her violet-blue eyes looking inattentively around the kitchen before she answered, "Well, he's been missing from our lives for what is nearly a week now."

Ah, the away matches. Truth be told, matches on a screen hardly ever tell us the full story. I smiled at Auburn as the both of us realised that we missed the blonde boy with his shy smiles and contagious enthusiasm. Auburn and I, we are poisoned vines and it gets dark without someone like Anthony who cares for us like a loving breeze caressing our lives.

Sometimes, I wondered what it would be if he knew his power over us, how we craved his sunlight, his happiness, his reassuring presence. Did he know that if he wanted he could haul Auburn away, tear us apart, restore us together...if he wanted?

"He hasn't even called since yesterday," Auburn frowned. "I feel like every time he leaves on an away match, he disappears off the face of the Earth!"

So they did talk on the phone. It was good to know that I wasn't the only one keeping them together, they seemed to be managing pretty well themselves. He had even convinced her to finally buy a local simcard. She was still convincing him to buy an apartment though. The lazy boy was still living in his hotel.

"I just realized," Auburn started and then stopped.

I looked up from the jars of coffee I was refilling, "That you guys are finally getting on?"

She gave me a look, "I...this weird emptiness, is this what everyone feels when someone is missing?"

"Homesickness for a person?" I asked, amused.

"Exactly."

"Indeed, it's not unnatural," I nodded, putting the jars back in place and sitting on a stool beside her.

"Do you feel it for him too?"

I laughed, "Yes, but I'm sure you miss him more than I. After all, I can't give you his endearing smiles and glances all day long. I have work to do."

She fiddled with her bracelet and spoke in a low, almost choking voice, "I can't believe I made people feel this way."

Truth be told, we hadn't actually referred to her past after the explanation she'd felt necessary to give to us and even then, Anthony had been better at it than me. You see, while Auburn ran, I was someone people ran away from. We were doomed, the pair of us. I was so silly.

In that moment, I wanted Anthony to come back immediately. Football matches could wait but what if Auburn couldn't? What if I wasn't enough to hold her here in this dim, smelly cafe?

I put a hand on her shoulder in hope that it comforted her, lent her some warmth, let her know that I would do anything to keep her home and happy.

She gave a small, wobbly smile, "I'm happy I didn't leave. I don't think I can. Not from you or Anthony. I know how it would feel because for some reason, you two perfect people would miss me and I know it and that's...Do you know how precious you are to me, Carlotta?"

Do you know how much you are to me, Auburn?

"I have so many apologies to deliver...to people I've left behind, to people who felt empty, in however measure, because of me, but I'm also happy I ran away to here because you two made me realise that some things are worth staying for. I never thought about everything left behind. Rather I did not allow myself to think of it. It would've killed me-"

"Don't say that," I scolded her, smoothening her short strands of dark brown hair.

"-but," she let out a short laugh, "I think I understand some more of myself now. I understand and surprisingly, I don't hate myself anymore. I don't even pity myself. I'm not saying I've become this spiritual being of perfect harmony of mind and body and blah blah but some thing has changed...for the better. I think I'm ready to work on things instead of letting them fall to ruin."

"I'm happy," I said, ignoring the rising lump in my throat, "because I've got used to you and...I would like it if you stayed for as long as you can." I wiped back a tear that had leaked out of the corner of my eye and took a deep breath, "Now, are you going to help me set up the kitchen because Anthony has scored more brownie points there?"

Auburn jumped up and nodded, "No, I can't let him win! Tell me, what can I do to overcome his lead?"

I looked around the shelves and pointed to mint leaves hanging off a hook, "Get that, we're going to make a mint spice meringue."

"Aye, aye, Chef," she grinned.

We were halfway through the recipe when she spoke, "But you're right, something is wrong with Anthony these days."

"His team is performing well and his own performance has been critically acclaimed all season round so it can't be that."

She sighed, "I fear it might have been me."

"You? Why? The guy dotes on you."

She wiped her hands in her apron and rung the cloth, "Did he ever tell you what happened when he took me to the Museum?"

I looked at her and wondered aloud, "Your ex came and nearly killed the poor guy?"

She wouldn't look at me, "Uh, we went on this lunch thing."

"Yes?" I encouraged, wondering what all this was about.

She chewed her lip, "He told me he likes me and I basically told him to go fuck himself."

I looked at her with raised eyebrows, "YOU DID WHAT!?"

"I-see, it was totally-"

"No," I stopped her with my raised hand, "start from the start."

She narrated what had happened the day Anthony had come to pick her up from the school right up to what had happened right outside my cafe. I couldn't help but feel betrayed.

"Why didn't either of you say anything? Am I even a part of your life? Do you even know how long I've tried to get you two together? And why would you tell him off like that?"

She looked at me with worried eyes and I realised I was going a bit overboard. I let out a breath, "But why?"

She shrugged, "It happened so suddenly, it caught me off guard. One minute we were laughing and joking and the next he takes the joke but gets serious. I didn't even know, okay? I didn't know that someone like him could even think of liking someone like me. I didn't want to get attached knowing how I am. I don't know how serious he was. I don't want to spoil our friendship which I value deeply. I need time for things, Carlotta. I don't do spontaneous. I think, I worry, I think some more and then I do things. Most of the time they turn out either okay or bad but at least I know I've thought about it from all points."

"It's been weeks!" I said. "What now? Haven't you had time to think?"

She blushed but when she spoke her eyes were full of emotion, "I think he's amazing, he's funny, he's cute, thoughtful, talented and handsome. When he talks, I just want to stop and listen to every bit. Seriously, I think the world of him. When he plays, it's as if magic really exists. And his eyes are so beautiful that sometimes I just want to stare into them forever and he has the sweetest smile in the world. Genuine and shy, how does he even pull it off? He's perfect, Carlotta, and he hasn't mentioned the matter again even once. It's like it never even happened. He probably doesn't want the baggage I come along with and I'm happy this way. I don't want to destroy what we have here. I haven't reached the point where I can take risks like this. He deserves so much better. He doesn't deserve someone who is broken like me."

"Everybody's broken, Auburn, in one way or another, that's how we fit with other people. We fit our broken pieces to make a new picture. This is how the world works. You've got to stop thinking so low of yourself," I persisted. "It's horrible to live with this kind of regret because you will regret it if you let him go." I stopped and looked at her, her with the soft frown and wild short hair, a streak of flour across her cheek. She could pass for someone much younger. She had so much to live for, such a life ahead. "He really likes you, it's evident to everyone around you and if he hasn't mentioned it again, it is because of the reaction you gave him, I'm quite sure of it."

She went back to rolling out the extra pastry we were making, "I'm curious, why does he even like me? Why would a guy like him like me? Huh! Even my own students don't like me and my colleagues? They hate me so much that if I was drowning they would wave me goodbye. Even though maybe they would ask for Anthony's number while they're at it because ever since he's shown his face around the place, people have been increasingly good to me. Because of him, mind you. Not because of my personal charms if I have any. They think he's my boyfriend! And they don't believe me if I deny it." She laughed, "How can they be so dense?"

I smirked, "I tell you, everyone around you can see how perfect you will be together. Besides, I'm sure people like you for you too and not just because they think you're dating a famous footballer."

"Ugh," she slammed the dough viciously, making me feel intense pity for it, "and he's a footballer too! People love him, he's got like millions of fans and there are rumours in the newspapers nearly everyday, about models dating him. He is just way, way out of my league."

She seemed to have thought a lot on the topic of Anthony. Way more than I had imagined anyway. I grimaced at the sight of the pummelled dough and rescued it from her hands quietly.

The door chimes tinkled announcing the arrival of someone in the dining room and Auburn halted suddenly, realising she had said too much. She gave a thin smile, "Customers are here."

Oh, I wasn't going to let her get off so easily. I gave her a sweet smile, "Customers can wait. Tell me are you willing to tell him you love him or are you just going to sit there and measure how many miles he is out of your league?"

I heard the footsteps sounding across the outer room and in our direction as I waited for her to speak. Frowning, I couldn't help but think that some customers were a pain in the neck. It seemed I would have to go out and teach them some manners or they would come barging inside, demanding food.

She seemed to realise it too and walked towards the kitchen door, "I...don't love Anthony, Carlotta." She nodded, as if convincing herself, "Yes, I-I don't. We're best friends and that's how it will be. It's for the best."

The liar's face was as red as a tomato. We both knew how superficial this lie was and neither of us were convinced by her poor attempt to end the argument.

The door opened as she reached for the handle and they nearly collided.

Speak of the devil.

"A-Anthony?" Auburn gasped. "When did you come back?"

To say that we were taken aback would be an understatement. It was a good thing Auburn hadn't said her rambling thoughts to his face. Yet, we had been right. There was something off about him. A certain tightness tinged his smile and he seemed absent-minded when he hugged us, enquiring formally about our health. His eyes had dark circles beneath them, even more than his usual shadows, and he looked ill.

"Just...now," he replied to Auburn's question slowly. "I-I got free earlier than I expected and took the first flight home." He handed me a chit of a customer's order he had brought in with him, "There's a trio waiting outside so I took their order."

I pinched his cheeks, "You're very helpful and cute. See, Auburn, he's still gaining brownie points." I could see he had come straight away from the airport and that could explain his tired appearance.

We walked out and I gestured for the two of them to sit at a table, winking at Auburn. She gave me a glare to which I replied by mouthing, Tell him you like him. She blushed and sat down quickly. The coward.

***

Dedicated to @music_magic for turning out to be as amazing in real life as she is on wattpad!

***

So basically, as many of you know, I have a problem of not being able to write without an actual physical keyboard. Ever since my family laptop (yes, I don't own one of my own) broke (I broke it, I know) it's been very vexing for me to write, especially long chaptered or plot-based stories, on other devices. Nevertheless, I try anyway. I had been struggling with this story until yesterday. I was looking through my old 'writing ideas' diary and I found a fragment of this chapter I had written from about a year ago. It helped me so much. So I'd like to thank my previous self for writing down some fragments. Thank you, me.

Take time to thank yourself for all the things you've done for yourself. You are important in yourself.