0.39 | when walking a circle |

0.39 | when walking a circle |

Sabah found herself standing once again at the threshold to the little coffee shop that had held a whole world for her these past few days.

Her eyes flickered to the closed sign but she would not be deterred. She placed a tentative hand on the handle and gave a little push. Immediately, the wind-chimes tinkled and the glass door glinted backwards.

From somewhere inside the shadowed shop came an angry shout, "We're closed!"

She stepped inside and was about to make out a shape lying huddled over one of the chairs. She walked towards Carlotta decisively and plopped down on the chair opposite her.

"Hey."

Carlotta sat up, looked at the woman in front of her and the looked at the clock. "You missed your flight!"

"Yeah," Sabah replied with a small smile, "I did."

"You idiot."

"It's okay."

"You absolutely stubborn idi-"

Sabah leaned forward. "No, Carlotta, I mean it. It is okay."

Carlotta stared at her and then understanding gave way. She sat back and nearly whispered, "You know."

"Yes."

"How? How could you know?" the older woman asked, this time strongly even as her lower lip trembled.

Sabah took out her phone and pointed to one of the news headlines on the screen. "I googled Anthony."

Carlotta read the words. Real Madrid footballer enjoying a quiet vacation with girlfriend, Auburn Ivy, a schoolteacher from Madrid. SEE PICTURES!

"I am actually ashamed of myself but I couldn't help it." Sabah blushed. "I did see some of their pictures. Anthony is just like how I imagined him to be. Auburn...she's so different than what I had imagined but they look so lovely together."

"How can you know..."

"About you? You told me most of it. I just had to connect the dots and it took me sometime because I had been looking at it all wrong but I know now and what you did, it was wrong but you have got to forgive yourself."

"Then you know why I can't. They hate me," Carlotta said, looking away, angrily wiping off a stray tear with the sleeve of her dress.

"C'mon, that's not-"

"If you know everything, why didn't you just go? What are you doing here?"

Sabah took a deep breath. "I couldn't leave because someone had to tell you that it is okay. You didn't destroy everything. You still have a chance at this family that you love so much."

"I don't deserve anything, least of all them," Carlotta said.

"I did not come back for you to give up. I will not stand by and see you hate yourself. You are good and you must understand, the story doesn't end when you want it to. It doesn't end when you turn away your eyes, your mind, your ears. It stays and you got to make the best out of it."

Carlotta ran a shaky hand over her face. "When she came back, she was just so happy. I knew what that meant. The trip home must have been awful. She didn't tell me about it. Instead she talked about all the plans for us, the invite Anthony's parents had sent over for them, the course she was going to teach, how she was going to paint the sign outside. It was such a beautiful day.

"Hey Carlotta," she said the next day. "Isn't Anthony being too busy suddenly? He sent me like really short replies and when I asked him if he was going coming over today, he said he couldn't make it."

"Oh don't worry too much. He has a lot going on. He'll be back soon, he promised."

"Okay, okay." She smiled. "I guess I just really missed him, you know, and you, and this shop. I even missed the shitty school, the brats and the stuck-up teachers. I think this is the first time I've really truly missed a place and...Carlotta, if you hadn't been there, if you hadn't been my best and closest friend...thank you."

I felt like I would burst into tears.

The next day she was a little fidgety and I did my best to calm her.

The next she was openly cribbing and ranting. "It's like he doesn't care about us anymore. What is he even doing? I called him and we talked for under ten seconds. It was so awkward, Carlotta. I feel like something has happened to us-to him. Who am I kidding there isn't an us!"

On Friday, she was angry. "He can do whatever the fuck he wants. It's not like we need him. We are quite happy and content on our own."

On Sunday, we watched our customary Madrid match and afterwards, she went so quiet. "Does...does he come here when I'm not around?"

I looked at her in alarm.

"You made a lemon-cake yesterday and there are no pieces left now. I know he's the only one who eats that stuff as quickly as that."

"He just came once," I said. "And he was in a hurry. You know, his contract is ending and he is figuring out whether he should take the Bayern Munich deal back in Germany. So, he's just really busy with that."

She looked at me with disbelief. "So? He was busy with that before I left and he had the time to come here and talk to-he had time to acknowledge me before, right?" She turned away and with a sinking heart I realized just how much his absence bothered her.

"Auburn-"

"I really liked him, you know? And I am so confused and angry at him and it would have been totally fine if I could hate him too but I can't." She picked up her class notes. "I knew this would happen. You know what? I'm glad that I didn't try to you know...tell him. It wouldn't have mattered and would have probably hurt more."

"Please, just listen to me. There's some-"

She smiled at me. "It's okay, I just need some time alone."

She didn't come back the next day or the next and I was slowly dying inside. I didn't know what to do. It was like everything was breaking apart and I was the centre of the destruction.

I realized on the second day of her absence that I hated myself. It wasn't a novel realization. I had always known it but I had never hated myself to this extent as I was feeling. I had acted in the lowest of low ways. I had been scared and selfish. I had let everyone down, including myself.

Now, I was faced with a choice. I chose them over me and then before I could muster the courage to call her, I took down my old family album from my cupboard and lay in bed.

So many people. Who would have thought I would be alone, so desperately alone, a couple of decades later?

I told myself I could do this. I could handle going back to my drab old life of breakfast orders and monosyllabic conversations. I could do this.

My hand still shook when I dialled her number.

She came along right away.

"What happened? Are you okay? You sounded upset on the phone," she said as she sat down beside me in the closed café.

"Yes. I-I need to tell you something."

"Yeah?"

"Please listen to me through it and say what you want after you've heard all of it," I said, giving her a short hopeless smile.

She frowned. "What is this about? Is it David? Is he back?"

I raised a hand to stop her. "No, it's not about him. It's about us and everything else, everything."

I waited for her to say something but before she could open her mouth I started, "After you left for your parent's house, Anthony came to me for advice. He...he said he liked you but he wasn't sure if you liked him. He was too shy to actually tell you because you had already told him off for venturing into that conversation once. So, he asked me, for once and for all, what in my opinion, you thought of him. Because he didn't want to talk to you about something which could hurt you or cause your friendship to be lost."

I went on talking never even lifting my gaze from rug. "I-I don't know. He had just told me he was thinking of going back and when he said he liked you, you should have seen how serious he was. I knew what he meant when he said that. I knew what would happen. I knew you would leave me behind too-if he went back, wouldn't you go with him too? Wouldn't I have encouraged you to go with him too? If not then, how long would it take for you to get bored of me, miss him and leave again? And Julia had just left. Everyone always leaves! It was all too much. It was as if everything was happening again, as if I was going to be left behind, all alone, again."

My voice was trembling now. "So, I told him what he already believed but he hoped he was wrong. I told him you weren't ready for a relationship just then and that you thought of him as a friend. I thought he would take it slow and stay and work towards it but he just-he just gave up, then and there. He said he shouldn't have asked anyway because he had heard you telling me that you didn't like him that way, and that he was an idiot for ever thinking that you could. He somehow got into his head that you were friends with him because you pitied him. And it all went downhill from there. I tried to tell him that wasn't true, that we genuinely cared for him but he wouldn't believe me. He wasn't angry, he was blinded with self-dejection and he wouldn't see beyond it. He left saying that he didn't want to be a burden to you or me. I begged him not to but he didn't listen."

She was silent, eyes wide, looking aghast at me. "No, no, you didn't, no, tell me that's not true..."

"I am sorry. I am so-"

"Oh my God," she said, getting up and drawing back, shock and disgust written all over her face.

"Auburn, I am sorry."

"No, Carlotta, that's not good enough. HE THINKS WE PITY HIM! How could you do that to him? He cares for you so much. How could you treat him like that? Not being valued, not feeling important enough, that is all Anthony has ever been made to feel and he was just slowly letting go of all that and you just...You realize why he feels that we are friends with him only because we pity him? That's what Mikhail has always told him and you proved him right." Her eyes were wild with tears and anger. "How could you do this to me? I thought you wanted Anthony and me to be together? I thought...you cared for us, for him, for me. I thought you were my best friend."

I reached for her, heart wrenching, trying to look for words that could beg for forgiveness but I already knew nothing could redeem me. It was all over. "Auburn, please..."

"Don't." She flinched away. "Don't you dare." She turned away, fists clenched, trembling with emotion and I drew back. "I was so wrong about you, Carlotta. So wrong.""

Carlotta looked up to Sabah finally. "And that was it. She left."

"And?"

"Anthony comes every now and then. At first, he would just sit and drink his coffee but after a week or so, he started talking. Only little at first and I told him everything. The next time he came he became a little like how he used to be before. He said he forgave me and even though it was difficult to forget what had happened he still considered me as a friend and family. He is too good for this world and his goodness just reminds of how horrible I was to him."

Sabah's voice was low as she asked, "And what about Auburn?"

"I ask Anthony about her and he says she needs some time...She hasn't talked to me since and she isn't going to. You didn't see her face. She hates me and that can't ever change."

"Carlotta, it has been what, over a month now? How many times have you tried to contact her?"

The older woman blinked. "I-I-She doesn't want to."

"Have you thought that maybe she is waiting for you to call?" Sabah smiled.

"But she isn't."

"Then it will be even better and selfless to call and apologize." Sabah reached for her hand and pressed it softly. "And just talk. The way you are right now, you can't be that way all of your life. You can't go on punishing yourself when you didn't even try. You have to forgive yourself and reach out. This has to stop, Carlotta. This hiding, this trying to put on a mask for the world, this has to stop."

"It is useless to talk to someone who won't want to hear," Carlotta said, her voice-breaking. "Why don't you understand that?"

"No, it's not." Sabah gave a small smile. "Sometimes the greatest thing a person can do is ask for forgiveness where this is little hope of it. At the end of the day, it will matter. Maybe not today but one day. Besides, you can't give up. Not on them, not on your people, not when you know there might be a chance."

"Things would never be the same even if she did forgive me."

"And will that stop you?"

Carlotta frowned.

"I said, will that stop you?" Sabah asked.

Carlotta took a deep breath. "I have a call to make."

Sabah nodded, smiling widely now. "You do that."

Carlotta dialled the number and waited, heart hammering with the ringing. There was a pause and she breathed, "Hello?"

Another pause and she didn't know what to say.

And then Auburn's clear, questioning voice came through, "Hello, Carlotta?"

Carlotta let out a sob and tears started running down her face.

"Carlotta, hello? Is everything okay? Carlotta, answer me. Oh God, Anthony, I think something's happened to her. Carlotta?"

"Uh, no, it's okay." She sniffed. "I'm fine, Auburn. I'm fine...how are you?"

"Um...are you sure you're fine? We can come back today. In fact, we are coming back today, we shouldn't have left you alone. I was just so-"

Carlotta was laughing now, laughing and crying and smiling and crying. "No, no, it is alright. I just wanted to say I am so sorry. I was an awful friend and I know I don't deserve it but I really want just one more chance to be a proper friend this time."

There seemed to be some sniffling on the other side. "I-I am sorry too. I was so angry, I said some horrible things to you and-"

"I deserved them."

"No, well, only a bit," Auburn gave a watery laugh, "but no, I was...I should have tried to talk it out with you. Anthony has been asking me every day but I was scared of...I was scared that if I did, even if I did-"

"Nothing would be the same?" Carlotta asked. "Me too. I don't think things are going to be the same but as a wise friend of mine told me, will that stop us? Will that change the fact that we....that we are family?"

"Are you sure because I might sometimes erupt in tantrums, okay? I'm still hurt but..."

"Yes, yes, I understand. Just please come back?"

"Yes," Auburn replied in a heartbeat.

"Are you crying?" Carlotta asked, softly.

"No! No, no, are you?"

"No, of course not."

"Yeah, right." A small pause. "I missed you," Auburn said.

"I missed you too."

Sabah smiled quietly and got up. She patted Carlotta's shoulder and kissed her cheek. "I'll see you around."

The café owner opened her mouth as if to say something but Sabah was already walking out, waving a friendly hand.

"So, what have you been up to, these days?" Auburn asked.

"I..." Carlotta smiled. "I made a friend."

***

And it is done, my dear friends and readers. This is where we reach full circle.

As I wrote the last line, I couldn't help but think of all of you wonderful people who stood by me and this story, by Aubony, by Carlotta, by Sabah, by Soul Harbour and I just want to say thank you.

I took my time with this story...or more like this story took it's own time. It has been a long while now and when I look back on this story, I know there is so much to improve and edit but I have loved each and every bit of it. Writing this story was a responsibility, not just to everyone else but to me too. I wanted this story to be extraordinary in terms of my own writing and I tried my best. Thank you for accepting it into your hearts and being a part of the journey.

There are of course, a few questions, a few ends that I wanted to be left alone for you to remember and ruminate on. This isn't a close-ended story. This is a story where you, the reader, are as much part of it as any of the characters.

There have been so many questions regarding the characters and the very concept of reality that a number of you have asked at different times:

Is Sabah real?

Are Anthony and Auburn real?

Is Nando real?

Who wrote the story, who told the story, who heard the story?

Who wrote whom?

To all of you intelligent, questioning and contemplative people,

I love you and may you find the most magical of people, places and love to have adventures with.

***

Coming up, Epilogue.