13

Alex stared at the sleeping figure of the male beside her. His habit in curling around her was nearly amusing but she couldn't help the way she felt as she looked at him.

Marcos was intoxicating. She doubted she told him enough, and she always feared that she didn't. The idea that he'd one day think she never did love him destroyed her.

There was already one person that she had disappointed, and she didn't want to do that to him.

At that thought, her head throbbed. Flashes of the past circling around her and thoughts that she managed to bury when she read appearing again.

"Read! You know it's important! If you don't, you know we'd lose everything!"

"You don't need anyone but your family, Alexandra. So stop looking outside your window. If you're not done with that work, you're not going anywhere."

"One more book, Alex? One more, just to be sure?"

"Read! Stop dawdling. READ!"

"You know we need this money. Your Father's a failure and all you have going for you is your brain, so this scholarship is important for you as well. Or would you sell your pretty body? Because if you do, I'd send you away you faster than you can blink."

"It's your fault! If you'd just read! If you had just done as I asked, we'd still be a family!"

"A?"

Alex's eyes opened, and the girl wondered for a second when she had closed them, Marcos' brown ones staring back at her before he sat up, cupping her face. "Eros—"

His thumbs began to brush her cheeks, and to her surprise, she felt the wetness under his hand. "You're crying,"

Alex hummed now, her hand resting at the back of his waist, letting him rest on her as she said under her breath. "I didn't know,"

His face fell. "You never tell me anything..."

Her heart stung a bit at the sadness in his voice but what he said wasn't exactly true. She did tell him things, just not the dark one. There wasn't any need to.

He always made everything better.

"I love you," She breathed out, feeling a relaxed sigh leave her lips at the same time. "Do you know how much?"

"I do," He replied, a relaxed look coming on his face. "I love you too."

"So you've never once thought that I might not love you?"

For a second, the resting look on his face tensed but immediately it relaxed again. His mouth opened, as if he was about to lie but then it shut close again as he mumbled, "Sometimes. But it's really rare though—"

Her heart cracked. The idea he still had any doubts of how she felt made her chest hurt but when he looked at her, he was shaking his head. "But it's not because of you, it's me. You don't have to be with me, Alex. You can have— Have anyone, and I just... I'm not really special."

"Don't say that," She reprimanded softly, pulling him closer. "There's no one like you. And I am glad that you've realized that, some of it at least, but sometimes I feel like I'm the reason you haven't reached your full potential. Like, my devotion to you ties you to me."

"No. That's not it. It's not —"

"It's not a bad thing," She shushed him gently, brushing his hair. "I keep you so close to me that I haven't let you fly out yet. So you can go out and let the world see how beautiful you are."

And one day I'd have to.

"I have to read," She whispered softly now. "I didn't today and my head... Hurts."

"I can stay. I'd just watch—"

"It's late." She cut in.

It wasn't too late for him, they both knew that, but it was obvious she wanted to be alone. Marcos didn't know if that was a good thing, but still, he nodded and slid off her body.

Alex watched him as he slowly began to dress, and when he was done, stood as well, picking her shirt from the chair and wearing it. "I'd walk you back."

"It's fine. I —"

She shook her head. "I need the air,"

Alex watched his face as he swallowed then nodded. She could tell he feared something else, about them, but she wasn't exactly sure what it was.

Still, she followed him out, both of them walking in silence and sooner than she had expected, reached his house.

As he turned to say his goodbyes, she kissed him. He readily accepted her lips. His warm ones soothing the coldness in her heart before she pulled away and kissed his forehead. "Goodnight,"

Marcos stared at her for a while, like he had something to say, but it didn't surprise her when he just nodded and walked to his house, waving at her again.

She gave a smile and waved as well, watching him enter and shut the door. The snarls and snaps coming back louder in her head.

"I told you! You never listen to me! Where are your friends now?!"

"They've taken my children from me! It's all your fault!"

"Read. Read. Read. Read. Read."

She placed her cold hand on her forehead to calm the ache beginning as her breathing began to come out in fast pants.

She was fine. She knew she was fine. She just needed to get her hand on a book as soon as she got home.

Thinking that made a rush of pain fill her. She couldn't believe that it controlled her this badly now. That she couldn't go a day without reading. Without feeling like jumping off a roof to stop the voices if she couldn't get her hand on a boom.

Her brain could feel the door that was guarding it roughly being scratched by nails that demanded to be let in so it could pick at her one by one since she was deciding to be disobedient.

Just one more time. And she'd get over it. One more book

As Alex got to her house, the voices wailed loudly but she ignored them, opening the door and about to run into her room so she could shut them up when she smelled it.

Food.

Someone... Someone was cooking.

The voices, still there, managed to quieten down for her to have a rational thought as she walked into the sitting room, slowly closing the door then heading to the kitchen.

As soon as she was in, she spotted a figure humming close to the gas that threw her back into an old memory she hadn't thought of in a while.

"Mom!"

Adriana turned to the ten year old girl that had walked in and put a hand on her hips, a playful frown on her face. "Alex. Look at you. You've got mud all over the place."

Alexandra giggled, there was mud all over her face and hands, as she replied, "Daddy and I were wrestling. And I won,"

Adriana's eyes moved to the door, a smile on her face. "Did you, now?"

"Got you!"

Strong arms wrapped around itself her Alex's torso and lifted her into the air. She screamed in delight as her Father twirled her around before he pulled her into his body, placing a kiss on the giggling girl.

Adriana shook her head and turned back to what she was cooking. "Can't believe both of you just decided to make this place all filthy,"

"Aww," Hezekiah cooed, looking at Alex. "Ma's mad at us. What do you think, kid? Should we get her filthy as well so she wouldn't be mad anymore?"

Alex nodded. "Yes!"

Before Adriana could protest, Father and daughter had wrapped their mud filled hands and body around hers, laughter leaving her lips as she tried to get them away from the food.

Alex's heart thumped as she said, quietly as she was still unsure of what she was looking at. "M-Mother?"

Adriana turned around and it was obvious, the stark difference between the woman from previous times and this night.

This one had done an effort in making her hair, even dressing prettily, and there was a smile on her face.

A genuine smile. "Alexandra,"

Alex didn't even have it in her to correct her. It felt like she was imagining all of it, like it wasn't real. Perhaps, she had passed out from the pain of the voices when she was walking back and imagined all this.

Yes. That made more sense than thinking her Mother would suddenly smile at her that way.

"I made your favorite," She said, a mischievous look on her face. "Why don't you go clean up? I'd be done soon."

Alex didn't move.

Concern appeared on the woman's face. "Are you okay, Alex?"

That snapped her out of her trance.

"I'd—" She was moving back. "I'd just go shower. I'm— I'm coming, okay? Don't go anywhere."

Adriana chuckled. "Silly. Where would I go?"

Alex hadn't ran as fast as she did up the stairs to her room before. Getting there, her eyes fell on the scattered surroundings but she ignored them, for the first time in years and headed to the bathroom.

When she was done, she wore an extra large blue hoodie and sweatpants. Going out, the nails now had finally gotten to her brain and made their appearance known by digging into it sharply.

Her vision blurred and she held unto the wall before it cleared again and her eyes fell on the books on her desk.

Read. It was demanding now. Commanding more like it. Reminding Alex that she was clearly awake and everything happening below was real, but unfortunately for it, it only made her resolve to go down increase.

It was hard, to tear her gaze from it but she did, running back down and hearing her Mother laugh.

Adriana was laughing.

"Someone's hungry,"

Hungry? Alex didn't think she was hungry. To be honest, she even barely ate unless she was at Marcos' place but it didn't matter.

She'd eat anything now.

The table was set, for the first time in four years. Food at the table, just like Alex remembered, and her Mother had made her favourite food.

Though it wasn't exactly her favourite anymore as she outgrew it, she said nothing about it. Instead she sat on the chair with the plate in front of it and watched her Mother sit at her right, a happy smile on her face.

Alex raised the fork up, her face now staring at the food before she paused.

What if... What if it was poisoned?

No, her mother wouldn't— But it was possible. She knew the woman loved her but another side resented her as well. A side of her anyway, but she wouldn't go so far, right?

"Is there—" She could feel Adriana's worry as she tried reaching out to take back the food. "Is there something wrong? Did I make a mistake? I thought—"

"It's fine,"

Alex, without thinking, placed a hand on her Mother, and her first thought was to retract it but Adriana held her hand and smiled at her. "Okay,"

Her heart began beating loudly again and she thought she'd cry, she really did but she only nodded and went back to the food.

She took a forkful first, chewing slightly. Her stomach welcomed it, as if glad that she was eating something finally as the last time she ate was yesterday and then in the next seconds, she increased her pace.

It was as if with every taste, happy memories of her as a child increased in her head. Memories that she had almost forgotten. Memories she had once settled on calling 'imaginations'.

And she revelled in it.

Until that moment. "Can I ask you a question?"

Alex had been too busy eating to hear the subtle change in her voice and nodded.

"Did you go to your Father's place eventually?"

She paused now, turning to her Mother whose happy face had now morphed into something more hungry. Hungry for information.

She swallowed down the food in her throat and tried retracting her hand back to her thighs. "Y-Yeah,"

Adriana's eyes now had a glassy look in them as she latched her hand unto Alex whose eyes widened as soon as the nails dug in. "Did you see them? My children?"

I'm your child too. "Yes."

"Are they fine?" Then she scoffed, as if the talk was absurd. "Of course they're not. They are away from their Mother, how could they be? Did they miss me? Did they want to see me? Did you tell them I loved them?"

Trap.

The word screamed loudly in Alex's head as the other voices laughed back at her. She had stupidly fallen for it. Usually, whenever she went to see the twins, her Mother waited expectantly for Alex but it had slipped her mind since she hadn't asked in such a long time.

To see she had gone through all this trouble and it hadn't actually been for her—

She pushed down the pain growing in her chest. "They're really fine, Mother —"

"Don't say that," Adriana snapped, a feral look in her eyes. "Every child needs their Mother. Not... Not two failed excuses of men."

Alex, for some reason, still tried to see if she could get the happiness to come back. "Well, they miss you—"

It did. "They do—"

The tears now bubbled in her eyes. She thought what her Mother had been showing was real. No, that wasn't true. She knew the smile hadn't been real, but a girl could hope right?

All she cared about her were the twins. Alex was just more of a pawn to them than anything. "Yeah, they... They wanna see you. They can't wait to see you, to be honest."

The twins didn't even want to be around her. They had seen her hurt Alex once and feared her for that same reason, but she stayed. Even though everyone kept telling her Adriana needed help, that Alex had to let her go.

She kept staying.

How come she didn't love her?

What hadn't she done right?

Her Mother's eyes narrowed. "You're lying."

Alex already knew what was coming. "No. No, I'm —"

The slap came and though it hurt, it didn't hurt too bad. Adriana stood now, tears in her eyes. "What have you told them?! What did you tell my children?!"

She stayed silent, feeling the blood in her cheek wall then stood.

Stupid. That was what she was.

Usually, she knew well enough to avoid her Mother when she seemed to show any semblance of normality, but she couldn't stop wishing one day she might love her. Might recognize all her efforts.

Still, stupid. Alex was just stupid.

"They're afraid of you," Alex said before she could stop herself. She hurt. Everything hurt. She wanted to scream but reason held her down. "You drink and appear at their school making a scene. You hurt yourself. You hurt me! Of course they would want to be away from you!"

The look on Adriana's face matched that of disbelief as she backed against a wall. "No, they love me. I'm their Mother, they can't —"

Alex watched her Mother break in front of her, mumbling to herself and she didn't need to hear what she was saying to know what it was.

It was always along the lines of 'my own husband didn't want me, and now my children don't too. What is wrong with me? Why can't anyone love me?'

And once, once, Alex had told her, "I love you, Mom. I always have."

And the self hate would turn towards her. "If you did, you'd have passed that exam because if that had happened, they would all be here. We would still be a family."

The truth was, her parent's separation would have happened, no matter what Alex did, it would have just been avoided for a while. Still, Adriana blamed Alex for it and what else could she do? She began to believe it.

Still, she never replied now. Alex watched her Mother crumble to the floor and headed up the stairs, then into her room.

As soon as she was in, she walked straight to her desk, picking up the books and began ripping it to shreds.

I've done everything for you!

I've stayed for you!

I've READ for you!

Why can't you love me?!

What did I ever do wrong?!

Why do you treat me like this?!

Silent tears fell from her eyes as she mentally screamed at her Mother, then at herself and when she calmed down, she looked around the scattered state of her room and the papers on the floor and crawled to a corner of her room, then hugged herself as sobs left her lips.