Insecure

Ryder

"Didn't think I'd ever help my sister's boyfriend with a wedding ring"

"Shut up Gordon" I said throwing him a glare.

"I want her to love it" I said before sighing and kept looking around for shops.

It's been almost half a year ever since we moved in together and it was going great. Even more than great, I couldn't find anything that didn't make me happy about it.

"She's going to say no either way" Gordon said chuckling.

"Shut up! Dumb asshole" I exclaimed and elbowed his side.

Lightly.

Maybe not exactly lightly.

"Ouch!?"

"Can you both be quiet for once?" Jason asked.

It was kind of weird that Jason, the guy she almost married, was here helping me find a ring to propose to her.

"We don't have all day" He added.

"You find him a ring then. I'm done with his perfectionism" Gordon said.

"Hey Gordon, don't leave me" I said panicking.

He can't leave now. He's like my only friend.

And Jason too.

"You are such a baby" Gordon said rolling his eyes as he tried to hide his smirk, "And you're lucky I love you"

"Love you too, now let's go find a ring before I lose my mind"

We looked in several places, but I didn't want to rush into it and make a bad decision. I wanted it to be special. I wanted it to seem like I put thought into it because I did. I wanted her to know I care and that this isn't just a rushed decision. There was no doubt I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I was sure about this now that she had finished her studies.

I didn't want to rush into it, but I was so thrilled that I wanted to propose already.

"I don't know about this" I said as the owner showed me another ring.

"Just pick something!"

"Fine, okay!" I said and looked around.

There were some beautiful rings and I knew that I wasn't going to find anything better as much as I looked for it, so I had to choose now.

"I think I know"

________

I wasn't in a rush to propose to her. I didn't want to rush it, I wanted it to be the right time. I just wanted to have the ring so I could do it whenever I wanted to and felt like it was the right time.

When I got back home, she wasn't there. She had gone to visit her parents for a few hours so I made sure to cook something for when she got back.

I wasn't a great cook but I had learned how to cook for myself over the years. Gordon taught me how to do it.

I didn't really know what to do when she was gone. The apartment felt so empty. I didn't really feel good when I was alone without her, but I didn't want to bother her with that. I wanted her to have her time with her parents, just like I do sometimes. I didn't want to control her, i didn't want her to feel like she was suffocating. It was something I was really working on because I had some controlling tendencies.

I had so much time to myself now that I was starting to overthink everything. I felt insecure. Especially after making the decision to buy the ring. That was the reason I didn't want to rush into it. I wanted to be sure that I was stable and confident. She deserved that.

My overthinking was interrupted by the door opening. My gaze quickly switch to the door and I stood up as I waited for her to come in.

I couldn't help but smile when she walked in smiling as well.

"Hey" She said as she closed the door.

"Hi" I said chuckling.

My mood was now completely different from five minutes ago. She was here now.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She asked letting out a gentle laugh.

"I-" I trailed off not knowing what to say. I guess I was a little more sensitive today. Maybe because of the ring, or maybe because I spent all day thinking of all the reasons why I'm not good for her, "I missed you that's all"

"Aw I missed you too" She exclaimed walking towards me. She wrapped her hands around my neck pressed her lips on mine, but it only lasted for a second or two, "I'm here now" She said running her fingers through my hair, "What's wrong?" She asked as her smile faded.

I guess I don't look too good right now.

"I guess I just-"

I didn't complete my sentence. I didn't want her to know I was sad without her. It would make her feel guilty. Maybe she would think I'm too clingy.

"What?" She asked frowning. Her hands slid down and she almost pulled away, but I put them in my hair again.

Her touch is really calming.

"Nothing" I said putting a smile on my face.

Her thumb touched my bottom lip and she looked at me with worry in her eyes. She didn't say anything, she just leaned in and hugged me, "I'll go take shower and then we'll cuddle and talk about whatever you want, okay?"

I couldn't help but smile at that.

How can she be so perfect?

________

"Your cooking is fine" She said letting out a soft laugh, "Thank you for taking care of me"

We were done eating. We were now on the couch "cuddling" I guess. My had was on her lap and she kept playing with my hair.

"I wish I could do it more" I mumbled.

"What are you saying? You do it all the time"

"I wish I could be better for you" I said quietly. Deep down I didn't want her to hear that, but of course she did.

"Is this why you seem so sad today?" she asked frowning.

"I just-I overthink when I'm alone, sometimes" I said, "Like when you're not here, I-I don't know how to explain it"

"What do you think about?" she asked, her fingers through my hair moving around in a soothing pattern.

"I'm sorry if I seem clingy sometimes. I really try to give you space and all and I've never been in a relationship, I don't know how stuff works and I-I don't know"

"You don't have to say sorry, Ryder. You're an amazing boyfriend and I actually love it when you get a little clingy. It's cute seeing someone like you all soft" She said with a beautiful bright smile, "I really appreciate everything you're doing for me and don't ever think for a moment that it's not enough. You dropped everything for me. You stopped doing that kind of job and found another one for me. You've done so much for me, give yourself some credit"

"I had to get out of that business. I wasn't in too deep yet though. I was just getting the job done for people in higher position. I mostly worked alone or with Gordon. Those guys that were in that house you were staying, they didn't work for me, I had to ask someone who owed me a favor to give me his men. They did an awful job too at security" I said rolling my eyes, "I should've never trusted anyone else with you"

I was still annoyed by that fact. The security that guy sent me only wanted to sabotage me. He already paid for it though.

"That's past, I'm here now and I'm safe thanks to you, you saved me. That's all tha matters to me"

I wanted to believe it. I wanted to see like that too, but it still bothered me that I trusted someone else with her safety.

Never again.

"I wouldn't change anything about you or about what we went through. I don't regret anything Ryder, you make me so happy already"

I put one of my hands at the back of her neck and pulled her head down to kiss her.

"I love you" I mumbled against her lips, "I love you so fucking much, you don't even know"

"Trust me I know" She said letting out a chuckle, "I love you" Her voice was soft as she gave me another kiss.

She tried to pull away but I gripped the back of her neck again and kept her in place so I could keep kissing her, but I stopped right before our lips touched to make sure she didn't mind, which I guess she didn't since she lowered her head to kiss me and put her hand on my face.

I loved the fact that she was comfortable around me and not shy anymore.

As the kiss became more fast paced, I pulled away and sat up patting my lap for her to sit.

"Come here" I said slightly panting. She did so without another word and put her hands on my chest as my lips wandered down to her neck.