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Iris
I am going insaneâlike really insane. I am trying my best to calm myself down and tell myself that whatever I did was right but no. For the first time in my life, I am unsure of a decision I made and I don't know what to do or how to fix it.
And Noah's gift does nothing to calm this feeling.
When he left my room, he had left a small box on my bed. It had a pendant necklace. Not an ordinary pendant; the pendant is of the planet Saturn. The single ring around the planet is of golden color while the planet, itself, is of a dark blue color with small glittery spots on them.
I couldn't leave my room, crying my eyes out. Hell, I couldn't get out of the bed until I was perfectly calm, physically at least.
I thought I knew how heartbreak felt like but thisâwhat I am feeling right nowâseems worse. Like plunging into the cold sea and getting every hit of cold as you go deep and deep into it.
"Iris Cooper, are you listening to me?"
Irritated, I look over at my laptop which shows Daisy, eating up chips. Tomorrow is Friday and the dance team is leaving for New York for the nationals. Thus, I am packing for the weekend, but you see, my sister is being... well, herself.
"Come on, Daisy, she is packing, and you do know how she packs?" Colt enters the room, flopping on the bed.
"What do you want?" I grumble, shoving clothes in my bag and mentally checking if I need anything or not.
"Is that a rainbow gorilla? Who gave you that?" Daisy asks and Colt starts to laugh, loudly. Beast has been kept on my bay window with Mr. Cuddles on his lap which reminds me of King Kong but just colored.
"First, his name is Beast," I reply, looking at them. "Second, it is none of your business."
"Meaning Noah gave it," Colt inputs in and I throw a sweater at him. "Damn it, lady."
"Okay..." Daisy trails away. "So, what's the reason you have been brooding a lot?"
I look at her in shock. "Um, what?"
"Dark circles under your eyes," She states, looking at me.
Colt looks at me and narrows his eyes. "I have been asking that but she repliesâ"
"Stress." Daisy and he say, together, and give each other virtual high five.
"Well, it is. Also, the fact that the stupid, obnoxious, and primitive brain cell of Crescent High is again in the soccer competition."
"Whoa, whoa. What?" Colt looks at me shocked.
Daisy sniffs. "They lost the match. How canâ"
"Well, they won their last match from â I can't remember the name of the school, but yeah, they won that. So, by leaderboard scores, they are in the top 15 which means they are competing," I explain it to them.
"Noah knows? You told him, right?" Colt asks, looking at me.
"Of course, he knows," I shrug without giving much.
Noah didn't come to today's fundraiser. I do not know the reason but looking at Adi's whole mood, today, something must have happened. Adi didn't even greet anyone with a smile but just stayed in a car, working on something on his laptop. After a lot of persuasion, he told me he was working on an app and couldn't sleep last night but I know he is lyingâthe pitch of his voice increases a bit.
"Hey, Colt," Daisy says, "Get her laid with some guy. She needs to chill."
Colt laughs, loudly, and I roll my eyes. "Shut up, Cooper," I say to her.
"You see, I came here for that purpose, really." Colt grins and looks at me. "We are going to Ricky's Diner."
"She will get laid, there?" Daisy asks him, excitedly.
"No." Colt gives her a look. "I meant about the chill part."
"Oh." Daisy slumps her shoulders.
"Colt." I groan. "I don't wanna go."
"Yeah, and that's why you need to go," Colt says to me, giving me a firm look.
Daisy asks, "Your packing is done, right?"
"Yeah, butâ"
"Dance practice done, right?"
"Butâ"
"Colt, take her away."
"As you say, Daisy." Daisy and Colt share a grin.
"So, Iris, go and enjoy, and please, chill for the night." With that, she ends the call, and Colt grins at me.
"Let's go! Everyone's waiting."
***
"By everyone, did you mean the whole school?" I ask Colt, just as we enter the diner.
The diner is filled with students from our school and by the looks of it, the staff is having the day of their working days. Especially with open mic night today, everyone is really enjoying themselves.
"Well, this is a big turnout. I didn't know so many would come." Colt says to me as we go towards where the gang is. They are sitting with two tables merged. Nearest to the window, Caleb is sitting. Going clockwise, next are Tom, Nick, Michael, Alyssa, and Victoria.
"Sis!" Caleb yells out as Colt and I sit in the empty spaces. "You came!"
"Obviously, this is a gang hangout thing," Nick states, eating his wrap.
"You know we should name our gang," Michael says, cleaning his lips with his hands to get off the ketchup.
Alyssa makes a face at him. "No, thanks. We are fine like this."
"Exactly. We don't need more Scooby Dooby and the group in this world." Victoria says, shrugging.
"Or the Mean Girls trioâoh wait, we already have them." Tom looks at us, girls.
"Shut up." Three of us say, together.
I stand up, saying, "Any-hoo, I will be going to the counter to get a drink. You, guys, want anything?"
"Iced tea," Victoria says, smiling.
"Make that two," Colt says, points two fingers at me.
"Make that three." Caleb inputs in.
"Fries!" Michael says.
"Cheeseburgers!" Tom says.
"Make that two," Alyssa says.
"And coffee!" Nick says to me, smiling.
"Anything more, your highnesses?" I ask them, raising my eyebrow.
"Nope," All of them say.
"Good because you ain't getting any of that," I say to them, smiling sweetly. As they groan in protest, I go towards the counter, saving myself from the crowd.
"Hey, Cooper!" I look towards a group of boys from our grade. I don't know their names but one of them says to me, "All the best for the competition!"
"Thanks!" I smile at them, before looking at the waiter behind the counter. "A chocolate milkshake with three scoops of vanilla ice cream with whipped cream, cherries, and brownies."
"That's on me."
I turn to find a girl I haven't really seen before. I say, "Thanks but I can pay for it."
She shakes her head. "Let me."
Confused, I ask her, "Um, do I know you?"
She rocks back and forth on her feet, looking away from me. Then, she whispers, "I'm Stacy. Stacy Penelope."
"You are Stacy?" I look at her, shocked.
Frantically, she looks around. "Iris, can you please lower it down?"
She didn't call me Irish. Her voice is way too different from the voice I have been hearing in past years. Hell, her appearance is just too different.
Instead of strawberry blonde, her hair is a dark brown shade. She is wearing round-rimmed glasses, hiding her pale blue eyes. She is wearing a green sweater with jeans ripped on her knees and flats.
I shake my head, still denying it. "No, you must be her doppelgänger."
"No, I am not," she says, slowly.
"No, you are her doppelgänger!" I argue, again.
"Okay, if I was, how do I know you, then?" She asks me, dryly.
"If you were Stacy, why, in seven hells, would you pay for my milkshake?" I ask back in the same tone.
"Touché." She pulls her lips in as if to suppress a smile.
"Is this some joke?" I ask her, very bluntly.
"What? No." She gives me an unbelievable look. "See, this is not a joke and I am not here to prank you or something."
I roll my eyes. "Okay, stop lying to me."
She says, sighing, "I am not lying to you, Iris." She rocks back and forth on her feet. "Can we... talk?"
"No," I say, without hesitation.
"Fair enough."
"I need proof," I say to her, crossing my arms. "That you are Stacy Penelope."
She lets out a breath. "Okay."
She stands straighter, pouting her lips to make it look bigger, and twirls a hair strand. "Hello, Irish. I am Stacyâ" She flips her hair. "âThe school's queen bee."
"I can't believe it." I gape at her and at how quickly she changed her aura to the Stacy I have seen in school.
"I have been told I am a good actor," she says, sheepishly.
"Oh, that's an understatement," I reply, still in shock. Breathing out, I look at her, saying, "Okay, let's talk."
We are sitting across from each other in the corner seat of the diner. Stacy is glancing everywhere but me, taking everything in. I look at her while drinking my milkshake but also anticipating the moment she will speak up.
"Nice pendant," she says to me, finally.
Looking down, I notice my necklace is on display and I am twirling it with my fingers.
I may be emotionally masochistic because I cannot not wear it. Because I cannot forget Noah. Because even though I said that we should stop, Noah gifting me this Saturn pendant makes my cheeks warm and the damn butterflies flutter inside me.
I sigh, trying to close off my thoughts. "Stacy, why didn't you come for the audition? Was it because you hate me?"
"No, I didn't come because I didn't want anyone to see me without my wig," she says, stopping me. "Also, I never hated you. I...envied you but that's long gone."
"But why?" I ask her, dumbstruck at her confession. "I didn't do anything for which you will envy me."
"You are... you," she says, gesturing to me.
I give her a look to elaborate and she sighs, continuing, "You are your own person. You don't pretend to be somebody else. You don't try to fit in with the societal norms and you don't want to."
"Stacy, as much as I am enjoying you...complimenting me." She cracks a smile and I can't stop mine, too. "You are still not giving me the reasons why you gave me hate ever since the start."
She frowns, looking away. "I didn't want to give you any hate," she says in a low voice. "I just..." Her voice turns a bit shaky and I am afraid she may cry any minute now.
I start to get up. "I'll get someâ"
"I am a non-binary lesbian," she says, looking right at me, and I can feel a sense of strength and confidence creeping into her as I have seen. "My pronouns are she/theyâI mostly prefer they/them but since I am a bit more on the feminine side, I also am okay with she/her."
"Okay." I nod, taking it in. "That's cool."
"You are not shocked?"
"I am surprised," I admit. "And it is okay that you areâugh, not like you need someone's permission to tell you that it is okay. I am sorry if I am just ruining it all."
They blink, before letting out a laugh. "No. No, it is fine. Also, you are the first one to say that it is okay."
"Really?"
They smile, sadly, as they pick their nails. "Yeah."
"But I have to ask. You kind of have a repâ"
They sigh. "I know, I know. I am not a virgin but... I never had sex with a guy, sure kissed some, but most are just rumors...well, started by me." They shrug, guiltily. "Also, I didn't really mean for you to stay away from Noah and shitâit was just a show. I didn't want people to know about my sexual orientation."
"Why?" I ask her and they give me a look.
"I have read LGTBQ+ confessions and I know people don't accept it still and how some of the stories lead to suicides and... some murders. I am still fucking scared. Hell, my family thinks it is taboo. My mom is the worst shittiest mother of the whole universeâI know what I am saying and I don't regret it a bit."
They scoff. "I told her that I am struggling with my identityâthat I might not be what a girl should be but I am not a boy, either. Do you know what she said? She said that I should be more feminineâand by more feminine, I think she meant to be a fucking slut. That did nothing but make me more aware of my identity."
They gesture to themselves. "This is real me. I don't want to act like a slut when I am not but apparently, that also increases your stupid 'popularity'... Like, Mom, do you fucking hear yourself?"
"I...I didn't know..."
"No one knows, actually," They admit.
"What about Michelle and Tina?" I ask them. "They are yourâ"
"Minions?" They chuckle, looking at my surprised expression. "Last three days, I have been coming to school like this. Nobody recognizes me and thus, I can listen to what people actually think about me."
"Trust me, it is not good," I tell her and they nod.
"I know," they say, sighing. "Michelle and Tina were never my friends... they just use my so-called popularity status."
"Why are you telling me all this, then?"
"Better enemies than fake friends."
"Really?"
They look up at the ceiling, before looking back at me. "I wanted to get this outâI wanted to tell this someone, anyone, because it was killing me slowly. Or maybe I wanted to know how people will react if I come out and..."
They meet my eyes and say, "Also I am here to apologize... for using you. I was really jealous of how real you were while everyone around me was just fake. I thought you had better acting skills but instead, that has always been you. I know my sorry is not going to changeâ"
"It did change something, Stacy," I say, cutting them off. "You realized that whatever you did was wrong, even though you are just trying to hide your sexuality. AlsoâI know this sounds weirdâbut I am proud of you and I know it would have been difficult to come out."
They smile, softly. "It was because of my partner that I got some guts to at least tell someone about it."
I start to grin. "...your partner?"
"It is... new but I like her a lot."
"That's cute."
"So, you forgive me?" They ask me.
I sigh, pushing my hair. "No, I can't forgive you for the things but... I think... we can start afresh?"
Their face lifts with hope. "Really? You want to...?"
"Yeah, I think I can handle this Stacy," I pause. "Um, do you prefer some other name? It...just... I read somewheâ"
"I like my name. So, I still prefer that but I won't lie, I am discovering more options." They grin. "You know, it is nice to know that you are aware of these things."
I let out a small laugh. "Yeah, after Keisuke and Nick came out, I really wanted to know more about pansexuality and asexuality and in that way, I started to read about more sexualities and genders. And..."
"And you identified yourself somewhere on the spectrum?" They raise an eyebrow.
"I think I am... demisexual. I am not sure but maybe..." I smile. "I actually didn't know that there was something like thatâI mean I always wondered how most of my friends can hook up so easily while for me it was... different."
"Oh." They nod but then, question me, "I thought Thomas and you wereâ"
"No," I answer, clipped. "It wasn't like that."
"Sorry, I didn't..."
"Naah, it is okay." I give them a small smile. "Anyway, so what's next?"
"Go back to school like Queen Bee Stacy does and get out of this high school," they say, before realizing something. "Oh, wait, I think I need to clear a few things."
"What?"
"First, I never kissed Noah, it was some junior I caught him with. I came there just to show the girls and well, try to impress him but... he has a good set of insults."
I purse my lips. "Are you talking about the history class incident?"
They nod. "Yeah, it was just to prove a point. After that, I never bothered him. I swear, cheerleader's honor."
I twirl the straw in the milkshake. "Yeah, it doesn't really matter now," I mutter.
"Did you say something?"
"Um, no."
They nod in reply. Then, they turn serious. "Iris, I really hope you don'tâ"
"Stacy, I won't out you," I tell them, very seriously. "That is your decision."
They give me a small smile. "Thank you."
"You know, we weren't shocked at Nick's confession, you know? We, even his parents, had a feeling he was asexual."
"His parents approved?" They ask, cautiously.
"At first, they had some misconceptions but Nick was very patient to talk to them about it." I smile at them. "If people aren't gonna approve, duck them off."
"It is not that...easy, though," they say, looking away.
"I should not haveâ"
"It is fine." They wave it off. "Also duck them off?" They raise an eyebrow. "So, it is true that you do not use swear words."
"Most of the time," I reply, remembering the first time I used it.
"Well, hello there!" The owner of the diner, Ricky â duh â stands up on the counter, addressing everyone.
Stacy's eyes widen. "Is itâ"
"Yes, everyone! Today's karaoke night!" Ricky announces and an uproar goes through the diner.
"I forgot it was karaoke night!"
"Um, karaoke nights?" I ask them. "When did that start?"
They explain, "It is exactly what the name says. It is just the selection of who will sing would be random and chosen by Ricky. You have to sing and if you sing really well, you will get free coupons for a month."
"Wow," I laugh. "That's a good deal, actually."
"I know," they glance behind me. "I think your friends are looking for youâyou should go."
I turn and see Colt trying to find me. I glance back at Stacy and say, "Hey, thanks for telling me."
"You are a trustworthy person, Iris," They shrug. I smile at them, before getting up and walking towards Colt and our table.
When I reach the table, I notice Adi has joined but there is no sign of Noah. Trying not to wander off in my thoughts, I sit between Alyssa and Colt.
Alyssa asks me, "Where were you?"
"My complex milkshake took some time," I say but don't look at her, knowing she will catch the lie.
Before anyone can say much, Ricky interrupts, "So, let's start with a duet, shall we?"
No one can ever guess who Ricky chose for a duet. Trust me, no one.
Alyssa Jones and Aditya Subramaniam.
Well, he says it, differently.
"The boy in the green striped shirt and the lady with purple hair at the merged table, near the window," Ricky says and there is a silent pause at our table, ignoring the applause around us.
"Hey, Ginger! I guess it's you and I..." Adi says, grinning, and Alyssa scoffs.
"Adi, do you... sing?" Tom asks him.
"I am a good bathroom singer, that counts?" He replies while Mike leans back, shaking his head and mouths a no.
"You know what? Never mind."
"What are you both waiting for? Come on up on the stage!" Ricky says, happily. Adi gets up, excitedly, while Alyssa sighs, looking up at the ceiling as if saying, why me?
Just as they leave, Nick leans back on his chair. "You know, we are not getting those coupons."
Like always, Nick turns out to be right.
ââââââââââââââââââââââââ
- a u t h o r ' s n o t e -
happy pride to those who have or haven't come out, to those who don't want labels, and to those who are still figuring it out! you all are beautiful, amazing, and important, not like you want others to tell you that! you know it!ð
love,
inerys
ps: also this random update is for you tell you that i won't be posting chapters for two weeks cuz exams.